So now I'm disabled. By Sam

On Tuesday I had to go to an Inventory Controllers meeting with work (yes this is as dull as it sounds).    It was in Nottingham so I had to stay at the hotel overnight.  I was picking my Mancunian counterpart up (ie the Inventory Controller from our Manchester branch) from the railway station.  Her train was due in at 11.30.  I arrived at 11.29.  There was, quite literally, not a single place to park so I drove round the block five times.    There was a lady sat in the window of a Costa Coffee by the traffic lights and she had tattoos ALL over her face. Like a Maori.    By the third trip she was staring at me as weirdly as I was staring at her.

On my fifth circuit Leanne phoned just as I was about to pass the station again so I screeched to a halt on the double yellow lines right outside as she ran out and jumped in.    We just made it, there was a traffic warden chatting to a community support officer and they were starting to walk towards us as we wheel skidded round the corner, waving to the Maori lady.

When we arrived at the hotel the car park was so full that loads of dimwits had parked across the junctions so I practiced my reversing skills for a while (they're not great) until we eventually found a spot only half a mile walk from the hotel (almost.  Disclaimer:  I have no concept of distance...or time, age, weight...)

Lunch was served straight away.  We went to the restaurant and it was a buffet.   Very odd buffet.   Salad but no cold meats, lamb (bleugh) some slimy fish with skin on (bleugh) and extra cheesy and extra dry macaroni cheese.   There were other people in the restaurant who must have come from the spa cos they were wearing dressing gowns and slippers and looked very uncomfortable.

Then we had our meeting which was interesting to me but I would not bore you with any details.  And then we booked in to our rooms.    Mine was on the ground floor.   After having to go back to reception to get someone to show me how to work the door card I finally got in my room.   It was a disabled room!  Why??   There was no bath.  No shower.  Not even a shower cubicle.   A bath chair!   A bloody bath chair!     The toilet was so high my feet were dangling, the sink was so low I had to kneel to brush my teeth.  So I did not have a lovely relaxing bath, or a lovely refreshing shower.

I had a kneel down wash at the sink and got changed into my jeans for dinner.    Everybody else had a bath and shower in their room.   I HAD NEITHER.  We had dinner.   The starter arrived on a roof tile.   If we had turned them over there was probably pigeon poo on the other side.    The main arrived on a bathroom tile.  The pudding in a tea cup.  It was nice food though.  Better than lunch.

Then we went to the bar and had drinks and then went to bed.   All nice and civilised.  Not like the drunken nights we used to have on training courses in the 90s.   Thank God.

The training course started at 8.30 so I set my alarm for 7 but I never over sleep, certainly not in hotel rooms, I'm normally wide awake at 6am.   So in the morning I woke up and thought it must be nearly 7, I will get up now.  So I casually get up and open the blinds.   It was bright sunlight.  OH SHIT thinks I.  This is not good.  I checked my phone.  8.50AM!    I checked the alarm.  It was set to wake me up at 7am...on Saturday.  OH SHIT.   I have never got washed and dressed so fast in my life.  I put on the dress that I had painstakingly ironed the night before and the zip wouldn't go up.  I took it off and tested the zip.  Fine.  Tried again.  Nothing.  On...off...on...off.   I thought I will not zip it up so I just put my cardigan on but I looked like a hunchback.   I had a choice.  I could wear last nights jeans or the dress I wore yesterday which was now creased with no time to iron, plus I had spilt coleslaw down it at lunchtime yesterday.  I figured if I wore the jeans I would look like I had pulled and not even been back to my room so it was yesterdays dirty dress.   I threw the rest of my belongings into my bag and ran to the meeting room.  Arrived 40 minutes late, slightly hungover, no make up and in a creased stained dress.   Definitely the image I was going for.    Not my finest hour.    Plus, and this is the worst bit, I missed breakfast.  
After half an hour we stopped for a tea break but because we were sharing facilities with the room next door they had all come out just before us and taken all the tea and danish pastries.   "Never mind" says our leader, "we will crack on."

By the time we left, thank god it was 11.30 and not 5pm, I was so hungry and thirsty I thought I might die.  I drove Leanne back to the station then set off home, stopping at the first services for a KFC.    The KFC was a big disappointment.   The chips and burger were cold and the coke was flat and syrupy.  So I read my book for half an hour instead then went home for a nap.  I like home.  I might stay there forever.