Poo stoo. By Bessie

Well not much been happening around here really.  As you know our Great Grandma passed away.  The funeral is next week so Mummy and the minihumans are going but Daddy will have to stay here to look after us.

We have rehomed 4 dogs this week and we have another 2 to rehome.  They are both very old though so we a bit worried that nobody will want them, poor little old ladies.

Mummy made a menu planner for the month.  The mini humans hate it when she does that cos it means they are eating lots of stews and curries.  Tonight they had vegetable slop curry and noodles.   The minihumans just had noodles cos they didn't want to eat the slop.  It did look like poo.  And it didn't smell much better.

A bilbo? BY Bessie.

Daddy is the first aider in work.  Today while Daddy was in the car park buying a steak and kidney pie (yuck smells of wee) from the sandwich delivery man Adrian in the warehouse got hit on the head by a falling sheet of metal.   This made him faint at the sight of his own blood.   So Daddy rushes in to administer first aid.     He lay Adrian down and went in the office to tell his boss there had been an accident.  So his boss came out and said "Where is he?"  then tripped over Adrian, who was lay on the floor.   Daddy was leaning over him making sure he was OK but, being Daddy, also eating his steak and kidney pie.   Daddy's boss had to come back in the office to tell everyone else cos he couldn't stop laughing at the sight of Daddy eating his pie over a bleeding man.

Later on, when challenged about the pie eating incident Daddy said it had been exaggerated and was nowhere near as bad as it sounded and anyway it didn't matter that he was wearing surgical gloves to eat his pie cos he hadn't touched blood with them.   This made everyone laugh even more cos nobody had even noticed the surgical gloves.  So actually the story was even worse than it sounded.

Then a customer came in to see Daddy and said he needed to have some sheath holders made.   Well nobody was really paying attention to the conversation until he got the prototype out of his pocket.  "Like this," he says, "They are for putting a condom on to inspect it."  Then everybody's ears pricked up to listen and stare in amazement at what can only be described as a plastic willy.  Actually that wasn't the word Mummy used to describe it but it sounds too rude to repeat.  At this point Daddy and his customer went out into the warehouse and everyone was left staring at each other and Mummy whispered, "Did that man have a ***** in his pocket?"  
"A what?"  said her boss.

"A *****."
"A what?  I can't hear you.   A bilbo?
"A *****!"  shouts Steve.  And then they all laughed.  Lots.

Anyway afterwards Daddy said it wasn't a ***** and it wasn't for putting condoms on, it was for something like condoms.  Hmmm if you say so.

You will be pleased to learn that Adrian was OK and didn't need to go to the hospikal.

Great Grandma

This is my Great Grandma.  She passed away yesterday.  
Great Grandad was waiting in heaven for her, he has been waiting for 24 years.

We love you Grandma.

God looked around His garden
and He found an empty place. 
He then looked down upon this earth
and He saw your tired face. 
He put His arms around you
and lifted you to rest. 
God's garden must be beautiful.
He only takes the best. 
He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain. 
He knew that you would never
get well on earth again. 
He saw that the road was getting rough
and the hills were hard to climb. 
So He closed your weary eyelids and whispered
“Peace Be Thine.” 
It broke our hearts to lose you
but you didn't go alone. 
For part of us went with you
the day God called you home. 
You left us beautiful memories.
Your love is still our guide. 
And though we cannot see you
you are always by our side. 
Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same. 
But as God calls us one by one
the chain will link again. 

Author unknown

Peace and quiet. At last. By Bessie

You know what we like best about our house?   The peace and quiet.  On Halloween night we didn't get a single visitor, over Christmas we had one carol singer.  Since we've been here we've had one canvasser.  She wanted to speak to a young voter so we pushed Tom into the porch and shut the door on them.   He didn't mind, she gave him a £7 Boots voucher for his trouble.   Nobody ever comes round trying to sell us stuff.  We never hear any noise outside apart from if you go out for a wee in the middle of the night and you can hear noises from the steelworks.  That doesn't bother us though, you can't hear it inside the house.  We never hear car doors slamming and people shouting to each other.  Our neighbours never throw drunken parties in their garden.   We never hear car alarms or other peoples dogs barking or cats fighting.   People don't walk past and stare in through the windows.  There were no fireworks on bonfire night or New Years Eve.   Heaven.  We love it.  Every evening we close all the curtains and snuggle down in our cosy lounge and we could be a million miles from anyone.

Don't get me wrong.  We like company.  We're not completely antisocial.   We have lots of invited guests come to visit.   And that's just the way we like it.

News Flash. By Bessie

Mummy said to tell you that her boss FINALLY got round to ordering her a new computer.  She has only been asking for the last year.  The reason he said yes was cos he emailed her a spreadsheet to work on but her puter is so old it couldn't open it.

In other news the sun is shining.   I know.  Amazing isn't it.

The minihumans are going to the dentist tonight.  Mummy went last week for her check up and she said she better make an appointment for the children cos they must be due by now.  So the receptionist checked if they were due and they were last seen by the dentist in...wait for it...March 2011.   Shocking isn't it.  Mummy says it's the dentists fault for not sending a reminder.  Hmmm.

That's nice. By Bessie

Interesting, and not so interesting, things we found out today:

Children can choose adult glasses in Specsavers and still get them at childrens prices.  i.e. Katie can have designer glasses up to £99 for £10 or up to £125 for £30.  Cool eh?

If you wait til today (i.e. 7th January) Iceland sell all their Christmas Party food off for £1 a box.   So you could either buy some and put it in the freezer ready for another party or do what we did and have a party tea just because you feel like it.

They finally got round to taking the tree down outside the village hall today.  Officially that still means a year of bad luck so the roof probably will blow off.  We hope if it does it blows the other way and squashes the orange house and not ours.

Daddy needs his ears syringed.  Last night he was listening to the radio while he was painting the bathroom.  It was so loud through the walls that everybody else gave up trying to watch television.   Then he came downstairs, turned the channel over without asking if it was OK and the volume back up (Mummy had muted it) and turned it up to number 37.   Then he left the room again (he does this a lot, we're quite used to it by now) so Mummy turned it down to number 18.  Then he came back in and turned it back up again.  At which point Mummy screamed, "BLOODY HELL,ARE YOU DEAF?"  Daddy said, "Pardon?"  And he wasn't even joking.

Mummy's diet isn't going very well.  She decided she would have a bowl of porridge for breakfast and rice and vegetables for lunch.    Afterwards she was very very hungry but as she was in work she couldn't graze like she would if she was at home.  Katie says it's impossible to graze if there's no food in the house but we think there's always something to graze on, even if it's an old crust of bread or a biskit.   Then she went to look for some running trainers but they were all hideous so she said she will wait til pay day and get some New Balance instead.   Anyway Mummy's extreme hunger and patheticness is the reason why she ended up in Iceland and found the party food.

How to be even more perfect. By Bessie

It's my gotcha day today.   This time three years ago Mummy was taking me for my first walk.  We went to meet Katie from school.  It was cold, I remember that.  We sat on the wall outside the citizens advice but she went home the different way and we missed her.

Anyway it was fun in my new house.  I'm glad I live here.

Me and Mummy had a little think about New Years resolutions.  But we decided we are already perfect so we made some different ones:

Me:
Carry on being awesome.
Try and catch the postman.  He already hates me, may as well give him a reason.
Get through the hole in the fence, it's big, I'm small.  I can make it.
Steal more food.

Mummy:
Finish writing my bloody book.
Only eat food I've cooked at home.  I waste far too much money on fast food (maybe I could make an allowance for KFC and Starbucks?   NO NONE AT ALL).
Remember to change the captions when repinning.

Our Christmas. By Bessie

you will be delighted to know that I just spent the last hour writing this story and it was saving it every few minutes when suddenly the page just went blank and the whole thing had gone, even the saved copies have gone.   As a result this is what my account of christmas will be:

Mummy and Tom had their hair cut, it took and hour and 35 minutes to get out of the car park in Tesco.

I got a pink dolphin for Christmas.   I like it.

Us houndies went to Miss Louise's for the day.  We had lots of fun with Penny and Frank.  My humans went to Uncle Nick's while we were there.  Then they came back and there was a party at Miss Louise's and Miss Sam and Mr Ryan came too.   Everybody had lots to drink.  Not us houndies though, we are not like that.  Miss Sam may have sicked up her malibu.  Lotty may have eaten a plate of snossij rolls and a plate of snossijs and a tin of cat food.

Grandma and Grandad came for New Year.   They went home this morning.  Katie had her friends over, they stayed up til 7am.

I'm sorry this is rubbish.  The original was brilliant but I haven't got the energy or the inclination to rewrite it.