Nanny. By Bessie

I will tell you all about our weekend at Inca's house soon.  But first me tell you the bad news.  Our Nanny died on Tuesday.   She wasn't sick.  She died really suddenly and we is all very shocked and upset.

********************Just because this paragraph isn't here any more doesn't mean what was there wasn't true**************************

Anyway that's all me got to say for now.  Like me say, normal service will be resumed  as soon as possible.

hang on a minute...

NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE 

RESUMED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

The stork rides a bike. By Bessie

Today Mummy, Katie and me went to the doggy dentist.  On the way we passed a stork carrying a baby in it's mouth riding a bicycle.   When we told Tom later what we saw him didn't believe us.  But we really did.   Mummy kept laughing all day the more she thought about it.  She say why did the stork be riding the bike in full fancy dress costume?

Anyway then we go to the doggy dentist (aka the V E T).  This is what me can report from the V E T:

1. I am 6. Not eleventyseven like Mummy tells everyone.2. I does not have an ear infection. Just dirty ears.3. I is 24.5kg precisely.4. I is fat. Parrently. Now I is on a diet.5. I is having a Hannahs-pathetic on Tuesday so them can clean my teefies.6. I does not need any teefies pulling out cos they is all nice teefies.7. I has a heart murmour.

Then we went to Pets at Home and I wanted to do a wee under the tree like I always do but all the grass has died so me just did my wee on the pavement.  Then we picked some nice food what taste good but not make me fat.  We got some soft food too in case my mouth is sore on Tuesday.Then we come home and Mummy made two chikin casseroles.  She made one with veggies in for the humans and one what was just chikin for us houndies.

Tomorrow we is going to Inca and Rufus's house.  Me will tell you all about it when me gets back.

Part 2 of why I'm glad I don't have to go to work. By Bessie

Conversation in Mummy's work today:

Matt:        "Why are brake, like brakes on a car, and break, like tea break, spelt differently when they mean the same thing?
Daddy:     "Because they don't mean the same thing."
Matt:        "Yes they do, they both mean stop."
Daddy:     "It's all part of the rich tapestry of the English Language."
Mummy:   "Ah yes I forgot you were such an expert wordsmith."
Daddy:     "I am.  I know the difference between there, their and they're.  And I'm good at spelling."
Mummy:  "Spell AMEND."
Daddy:    "A Double M..."
Matt:       "No, it's E Double M..."
Mummy:  "No you're both wrong."
Daddy:    "Who say's you're right?   You might be wrong."
Mummy:  "Mr Collins, Mr Oxford and Rogiet.   That's who."
Daddy:    "They don't know everything.  Rogiet's not even English.  And Mr Collins sounds Scottish."
Mummy:  "Kill me now."

Why I am glad I don't have to go to work. By Bessie

The car radio is playing Kings of Leon:
Mummy:     "Can we stop at a chemist on the way back from work please?"
Daddy:       "If you like.  Why?"
Mummy:     "Wait for it...wait for it...AAAHHHHHHH MY SEX IS ON FIRE."
Daddy:       "Oh."
Mummy:     "Thanks for setting my joke up for me."
Daddy:       "So do you need to go to the chemist or not?"


Mummy opens the microwave to put her lunch in and there are three boxes of cereal in there.   "Oh yes," says Daddy, "The mice can't open the microwave door."
What a classy place they work in.

Mummy goes into the warehouse to talk to the sawyer but him and the warehouse man have swapped jobs for the day.  When she asks why she is told the sawyer is being punished for having a day off sick yesterday.

Mummy:     "I need the toilet."
Daddy:       "Go then."
Mummy:    "I can't.  I don't just need a wee."
Daddy:      "So you're going to hold it in all day?"
Mummy:   "If I have to."

In which we become packet hounds, Katie becomes a store detective and Mummy becomes a lesbian. By Bessie

When we was on our walk this woman come up and asked, "Are they breeders?  My son wants one."  Tom tells her we certainly is not breeders.  Then another woman comes up and asks what we is.  The first woman tells her we is basset hounds.  "Packet hounds?" Says lady number two, "I love packet hounds."

Mummy and Katie went to the Range.   This is a shop what sells stuff for the house, not like the wild west type of range.   While they is there they has baked potatoes in the cafe.   But when the potatoes arrive them has no butter on so Mummy goes to the counter to ask for butter.  "Do you want butter or flora?" Asks the boy.   Katie says him was a man and his eyebrows was a bit too big, Mummy says him was a boy and if her was much younger and single and it was a long time ago before her had even met Daddy her would flirt with him, but her is none of them things so her didn't.  Katie says that's a lot of what ifs.  Anyway, back to the story.   So her says flora even though she really wanted butter.  When her comes back and tells Katie this Mummy say the man only ask her cos she is so fat.   Katie says, "You're not even that fat."   "Thanks for the compliment," Mummy says.   "No, I didn't mean that.  I meant you're not that fat."  Says Katie, then as Mummy gets her special notepad out that her makes blog notes in Katie says, "Don't write that down, it will make me look really bad."   So if she asks, we didn't write that down.

There was a family at the next table, Mummy, Daddy and a grown up son.   Mummy and Daddy both go to the toilet leaving grown up son at the table looking after the hot choklits.   My Mummy is sat with her back to him, Katie facing him.  Mummy gets a text and her says, "Ooh who texting me?"  Katie whispers, "It's me."  Her texts Mummy to tell her the man at the next table drank his hot choklit then swapped it with his dads cup what was nearly full.  Then drank that one too.   The funny bit is though that he was being really sneaky about it and trying to nudge the cup over without anyone seeing, like him thought someone might tell his Mummy and Daddy on him.   Mummy did BOL very loud at this.   Then when Mummy and Katie's food arrived the man shouts at the serving people because his food not arrived yet.   "You haven't ordered any food," shouts serving man.   "Yes I have," he says.   "No, there are no food orders waiting," says serving man.  "Wait til my mum gets back." Says man at table.  Serving man ignores him.  Everyone else ignores him too.   So he gets up and goes to look for his Mum and Dad.   In the meantime someone clears their table and throws away his Mum's hot choklit what he had probably been planning to drink too.   So when the whole family comes back they is very cross and they all go to the till to complain.  Well, we didn't hear what was said but them walked off without any food or hot choklits.  Katie said she saw them later looking guilty, them was probably shoplifting.  Mummy say this was a man who made drinking someone's hot choklit look as guilty as if he was stealing the crown jewels, so him had probably taken a paint sample strip and a leaflet for JML crappy products and was looking guilty about it.

After lunch Mummy and Katie went to look at the kitchen gadgets in Asda.  Mummy put two silicone egg poachers on her boobs and said it was a cupless bra.  Katie ask do she not mean a strapless bra?  A cupless bra would be pretty useless.   Mummy do laugh so hard at this her nearly weed herself in the middle of Asda.   Her is so adolescent.  Then she tried on lipsticks, Katie say this makes her a lesbian now cos she is as good as kissing all the other women who tried on the lipstick before.

13 doggies go mad in Penarth. By Bessie

Today us 3 houndies did go for a walk round Cosmeston Lakes in Penarth with Mummy, Daddy, Tom, Bryn and our friends.   Katie was sposed to be coming too but then when it came to getting out of bed she couldn't be bothered so she stayed at home.

We was driving into the car park when we seen some people standing next to their car with a basset.  We has never seen these people before but Mummy think maybe them is someone who is coming on our walk but they never rsvped.   So she parks next to them and asks "Are you with us?"   The lady goes, "Er no" and Mummy say, "Oh sorry it's just you have a basset and the basset club of Wales is meeting today."  So the people come over to talk and their basset is only a 11 month old baby and him very cute and we get out the car and do meet and greet and them Mummy says they is welcome to join us for a walk but we isn't leaving for another hour.  Then the people say "Ok Bye."  And off they go.

So we have our breakfast and then Mummy says to Daddy there is better parking spots up by where we is sposed to be meeting everybody so can he move the car over there.  So he does and then all the humans and minihumans and houndies does arrive.   There is 13 doggies and lots and lots of minihumans, me has never seen so many minihumans on a walk.  Katie did miss out on this walk me do think.   While we is waiting the people with the basset come back and Mummy says "See I told you there were going to be more".  And their little basset has a great time meeting all the bigger bassets, but then they say goodbye and walk away and everybody say doesn't they want to walk with us but they say they have finished their walk and is going home now.

When we is all arrived Daddy takes a group photo and then we goes off on our walk.  First we all has to stop for a poo.  This is the first rule of going for a walk.  It doesn't matter how long you is waiting in the car park, you has to wait until you is away from the bins and on your walk before you does your poos.

We has a great time on our walk.  We does poos and we all runs and chases and Mr Wayne offers Daddy a snossij and Daddy eats it and then Mr Wayne tells Daddy it was a doggy tripe snossij.  Oh we was so embarrassed, Daddy really will eat anything if it is free.

Then we meets that basset and bloodhound we saw when we were here the other week but him didn't want to stop and talk to us.  Him didn't last time either.    Then we went down by the lake and had our picnic.  We had loads of different kinds of snossijs and tripe sticks and the humans had sandwiches and fruit and stuff.   Some of us paddled and Louie and Rollo and some of the braver bassets even swimmed.  Shirley and Lotty win the prize for swimming furthest out.

After lunch we met another baby basset, his name was Alfie and he was only 7 months old.  Everybody wanted to love him cos him was so sweet.  Him and his humans walked with us for a little bit.  

And then we got back to the car park and Mr John and Miss Julie and Miss Louise and Mr Dave had to go but the rest of us sat next to the cars and shared Mr Wayne's picnic.  We all agreed that him had the best picnic we had ever seen.  Him had more food in his cool box than we has in our entire house (that isn't even an exaggeration).

we likes....By Bessie.

 we likes pretty collars

Mummy likes candles

Recipe for salted caramel cheesecake

Ingredients:
150g ginger nut biscuits
150g hobnobs or oaty type biscuits
100g butter
1tbsp golden syrup
500g cream cheese.   We used 2 tubs of quark cos it's virtually fat free so you don't feel quite so bad about eating it.
100g caster sugar
120g double cream.  I know you is supposed to measure cream in liquid measures but it easier to weigh it if you asks me.
1tbsp lemon juice
2tsp vanilla essence
1 jar of Tesco finest salted caramel dessert sauce.    I knows this is a very specific ingredient and if you wants to use some other kind of dessert sauce or whatever then you can but trust me when I tell you that this partikliar one is the bestest in the world.

How to make the cheesecake:

Preheat oven to 180c.Grease 8" loose bottomed cake tin.   Put the biscuits in a bag what seals and crush with a rolling pin or in the blender.  It's much quicker in the blender but we haven't got one anymore cos last time we was making cheesecake the little boy next door knocked on the front door to ask for his ball back and Mummy jumped and the top of the blender fell off the base and the cog thingy blew up and there was smoke everywhere.  So it's in the bin now.  We don't have a blender anymore.
Melt butter and syrup in a bowl in the microwave (or over a pan of hot water if you is old fashioned).
Mix with the crushed biscuits, then pack firmly into the bottom of the cake tin.
Bake for 10 minutes.
Cool for 20 minutes..
.In the meantime...
Beat the cream cheese, sugar, lemon juice and vanilla essence.
In a separate bowl whip the cream til its dead firm.
Fold the whipped cream into the cheese mixture.
Open the jar of salted caramel dessert sauce.   Lick all the sauce off the lid.   This is a very important step.Spread most of the sauce over the cooled biscuit base, remembering to save a little bit so you can eat it with your fingers or paws.
Spoon the creamy cheese topping on top of the sauce.
Put it in the fridge overnight or at least for a few hours.
EAT IT UP.   Like this OMNOMNOMNOM

*P.S.   We have made variations of this cake.   They include using raspberry or strawberry dessert sauce instead of salted caramel and one that went down partikly well with the minihumans was using 2 tubs of choklit philadelphia cheese instead of ordinary cream cheese to make a choklit cheesecake.  You can also add a layer of belgian choklit sauce but you don't need it, the creamy cheese bit is choklity enough on it's own.

Recipe for Banana and Nutella Muffins

Ingredients:

250g self raising flour
100g caster sugar
125g butter
2 eggs
100ml milk
2 large or 3 small ripe bananas, mashed
150g nutella

How to:

Preheat oven to 180c.
In large bowl mix egg, sugar and butter.
Mix in banana and nutella.
Add milk.
Add flour.
Put mixture into muffin cases in muffin tins.
Bake for 20-25 mins until skewer comes out dry.
Decorate with melted chocolate and sprinkles if you like.

Makes 12-15

Recipe for Blackberry Crumb Bars

We adapted this recipe from one we found on pinterest so we could do something with all the blackberries in the garden:

Ingredients:

1 cup caster sugar (we don't know what 1 cup is but we figured so long as we use the same ratio of flour, butter and sugar it doesn't matter so we used a teacup as a measuring cup)

3 cups self raising flour

1 cup butter

1 egg

pinch of salt

splash of lemon juice

3 cups fresh blackberries (we had frozen them and just run the under the hot tap and chopped them up)

How to:

Preheat oven to 180c.

Grease medium sized deep baking tray.

In a large bowl stir together sugar and flour.

Add salt and lemon juice.   

Add butter and egg and mix to a crumbly dough.

Pat about two thirds of the dough firmly into the baking tray to make a thick layer that covers the entire base.

Spread chopped blackberries all over the top of the crumble base.

Sprinkle the rest of the crumble over the top.

Bake for about 20-25 minutes until slightly browned.

Cool before cutting into squares.

I will never eat tangy toms again. By Bessie.

Yesterday I went down the village with Katie and Alex.  We was sat outside One Stop, minding our own business and eating chips, when this woman goes past and gives Katie a dirty look.   Katie said it was because Katie was blowing on chips for me.   Daddy said afterwards maybe it was because she was feeding chips to a fat dog.   Well, I was very cross.  I'm not fat.  I'm big boned.  It's a medical fact.  Katie said no it couldn't possibly be that, anyway I only had 10 chips.

Then another lady comes up and says "Hello Bessie."  Katie not know how this lady knows my name.  She gives the lady a puzzled look and the lady says she seen me down here the other day.  Me is very impressed cos this the first time me been out on my own without Carly and Lotty for ages so for her to recognise one of us on our own is very good.  I likes this lady.  She can be in my gang if she likes.

The night before last Mummy tried to clip our toenails.  She got 2 of Carly's before she run off, one of mine before she got bit and Lotty bit her before she even tried.  So she put the clippers away.   Then last night she gets them out again.  She gets one of Carly's and one of mine and then Lotty bit her, just in case.  So this morning she phoned Miss Judith and made an appointment.  So this afternoon we gets in the car with Mummy and Katie.  We thinks we is going somewhere exciting but all we did was drive to the car park in town and then walk to Miss Judith's house.  Katie say why do we not just park outside Miss Judith's house but Mummy said it was good exercise to walk but it was a bit too far to walk from home.  When we gets to Miss Judith's all her dogs is in the garden so we take it in turns to sit outside with Katie and play with the dogs while the others gets their nails done.  Miss Judith is better at nails than Mummy so her doesn't get bitted and we can't run off cos her has chained us to a table.  Anyway me do admit our nails does look and feel nicer.  Mummy says to Miss Judith her will see her again very soon cos her not going to try and do it herself next time.  Me doesn't like to remind Mummy that we is moving house in a few weeks and her has vowed not to step foot in this town again.   Me also does not like to remind Mummy that her dentist is here too.  Me do think we will still have to come back for human teefies and houndy feeties.

Then we walks back to the car park.   I stops to do a poo on the pavement.  Then Mummy realises she was in such a rush to leave the house that she forgot to put any poo bags in her pocket.  Katie hasn't got any either and it's a really big and really smelly poo right in the middle of a busy street.  So Mummy look round and see a crisp packet on the floor.  So her picks it up but because the poo is so big her can't pick it up by putting her hand round it and turning the bag inside out like you do with a poo bag so her has to open the crisp packet up into a big sheet and pick the poo up that way.  Then her had to carry it until we found a bin.  Luckily there was one about a hundred yards away.   Mummy says it's a good job she never liked Tangy Tom crisps.   Katie sad because she did, but she never eating them again after today.

As we walks past the village Katie ask if we can go and buy lunch but Mummy say we got food at home and anyway she is on a diet.  Katie say her doesn't need to diet, the Queen Latifa look is very now.   We think this might be an insult but we not sure.  Either way she didn't get a bag of chips bought for her.   We went home and Mummy cooked pizza for everyone.

I had a sleep cos I was soooooo tired after my being forced to go for a walk and having all my nails stolen and watching Mummy pick up my poo with a crisp packet.

What does happen if it gets stuck up your bum? By Bessie

Before me start 2 things what amused me.  Firstly, Mummy overheard an old woman say to an old man in Tesco, "But what happens if it gets stuck up your bum?"

Secondly, Mummy said she'd like to try and make a savoury cheesecake.   But she said you'd have to use cream crackers instead of sweet biscuits and you could have veggies or bacon in it.   Tom said, "So you just invented quiche?"   Her laughs and says, "Oh yeah, it's quiche."    This would have been acceptable had her not had the exact same conversation about a month later.   Tom says, "Quiche.  Remember."  And her looked at him with a vacant expression and then goes "Oh yeah haha, you already told me that."

Anyway, and please excuse me if most of this does not make sense but I is still tired from a six mile walk yesterday and my typist was up til 4.30am writing her book so she's a bit half asleep.

Yesterday we went on a walk with our friends.  The weather forecast said it would be light showers where we is going.   But as we set off to drive there it starts to rain.   It gets heavier and heavier and heavier until by the time we arrives it is raining so hard we doesn't even get out the car, we is thinking we might just wait for Mr Dave and Miss Tara and then say sorry but we is going home.   So we waits, and Mr Dave and Miss Tara comes and Miss Tara gives Mummy a bootiful blankie and cushion what she loves and some beans from the garden what her had for tea.  Mr Dave says it will blow over soon.   Then Mr Guy gets out of his car and says, "Are we walking?"  And Mummy says, "Mr Dave said it will blow over."   Mr Guy says, "What?  The weather or you?"   Her say she will probably.  Then we hounds all get out the cars and do meets and greets and a few more people arrive until there is 14 houndies and 10 humans and off we goes.    Miss Tara had to go home for a emergency, we was sad that our friends did have to leave early.   We stopped at the pub for lunch, Mr Dave went inside for a pint but most of us felt guilty going into a busy pub with so many big wet dogs so we had our picnic on the benches outside.  We shared our snossijs with our new friend Louis, who Lotty did like lots and lots and flirted with him all day.  After lunch it stopped raining and we had a nice walk for the last bit.  

Watch the video here