3 days til twinny day. By Bessie

Counting down to when we go to George and Winston's house.  I still haven't got a clue what I'm doing on this laptop but I have managed to transfer all my stuff from the other laptop.

Daddy is watching some Swedish film with subtitles.  Mummy can't watch things with subtitles.  Not cos she's thick or anything, she just doesn't watch telly with her eyes. She normally only listens to the telly.

Grandma and Grandad went home this morning.  But we will see them again at Aunty Mic's New Year party.

Yesterday we went for a walk with Grandma and Grandad.  For tea we had another christmas dinner.  We got a dinner too, we had yorkshire pudding, chikin and piggies in blankies.   But when Mummy went to get the jug of gravy Daddy thought she'd finished and had poured it down the sink so we had it dry.  It was lovely anyway.

Christmas! By Bessie

Happy Boxing Day everybody.  I'm writing to you from Mummy's new laptop what Daddy bought her for Christmas.  Him did good!  It got Windows 8 so we not really know what we're doing yet.

On Christmas Eve Katie went to a party and Daddy had to go and pick her up from Newport at 8 o'clock.  Mummy was cross because she said we should all be together on Christmas Eve.   Then the minihumans wouldn't go to bed and Mummy ended up staying up til about 2 in the morning cos she wanted to put the presents in their stockings when them was asleep.

On Christmas morning the smallest minihumans came in about 9am to show us what they got in their stockings then Mummy went in to Toms room to see if him opened his but him said him not feel well and him want to stay in bed.  Then Katie throwed a strop cos her wanted to open presents in the lounge but Mummy said we all has to go and have breakfast first but we has to wait for Tom.  Anyway Tom did take some tablets and him come down and him say him feel a bit better.  Then we has breakfast and Katie stay upstairs on the computer skyping her friends and Mummy get really cross and Daddy say chill out and Mummy say her can't chill out cos her not stopped spending money and cooking and buying and wrapping presents and baking cakes and writing and posting cards and decorating the house and all so everybody else can sit around doing nothing.

And then when her finished having a tantrum her made us all belgian waffles and then we did go in the lounge and us doggies did open our presents first.  We did all get a new ball and some biscuits and some fishy treats and Tiger did send me and Lotty a chewy bone and Carly a squeaky.  And we did love our presents.  Then we did go and play with our toys in the kitchen while the humans opened their presents.

Mummy had said to Daddy ages ago her not got much money this year so shall they not buy each other presents but Daddy say him already bought Mummy one and her say how much shall she spend then?  And Daddy say him not say and Mummy say her want to spend the same so Daddy say spend £15 so her got him a itunes voucher and a choklit bar.  So when Mummy do open her presents off Daddy him gotted her a bar of white choklit and some biskits and some coke and a...LAPTOP!   Her so excited and surprised.

The minihumans bought Mummy and Daddy a picnic basket...which looks just like the one Bryn won in the pass the parcel at the basset club christmas party.  Hmmm...

Tom did get a lord of the rings xbox game and some jeans and 2 shirts and a t-shirt and a cushion with a Bessie on it and some razors for his beard and some smelly for him armpits and some choklits and some gloves and a dvd and a jar of sweets.

Katie did get new trainers and a wooly bobble hat and a skater skirt and some leggings and slippers and choklits and gloves and 2 dvds and a olly murrs cd and a teddy and a jar of sweets and some smelly armpit spray and socks.

Bryn did get new shoes and a fifa 13 xbox game and a shirt and chinos and a guns n roses t-shirt and a dvd and a bruno marrs cd and a teddy and a cuddly basset and gloves and choklits and a jar of sweets and smelly spray for his armpits and some lego what Mummy definitely didn't get free with a newspaper.

Then we went for a walk, we walked down to the zebra crossing then back up poo alley.  Mummy say we not going down the castle today cos we got too dirty last time and her not well enough to bath us today.

Then we did have christmas dinner.  The humans had tatty and leek soup and bread rolls for starters.  Mummy bought a chikin roast from Iceland and it shrivelled up in the oven so there was only enough for one slice each for the humans.  Luckily her made loads of other things to go with it so we had piggies in blankies for our dinner.  The humans had chikin and piggies in blankies and stuffing and roast and mash tatties and roast parsnips and yorkshire puddings and carrot and swede mash and green beans and sprouts with gammon pieces and chestnuts and bread sauce, gravy and cranberry sauce.   Except Katie, she had a pot noodle cos when Mummy asked her whether she wanted a nut roast or a quorn roast her said neither, her wanted a pot noodle.  So that what her got.  And we did all pull crackers.   Mummy got a sticker, Tom got a green ring, Katie got some plastic lips.

After dinner we did watch some telly.  Mummy did wake up with a stiff neck and it did keep getting sorer until by the time Mummy and Daddy finished clearing up after lunch her was feeling sick with pain so her did bring her bedding down and lie on the settee.  We did lie on top of her to make her feel better.  We watched some films and Come dine with me and doctor who and then Mummy made sandwiches and christmas pudding for tea.  Then we watched Eastenders and Derek did get killed just like we guessed he would.  Except we thought him would be murdered and them wouldn't know who'd done it, but him had a heart attack and dropped dead.  And we watched Call the midwife and Downton abbey.   And then it was time for bed.

We is happy to say Mummy's neck is much betterer today, it still sore but she can cope with it.   Mummy said everybody had to spend one hour helping tidy ready for Grandma and Grandad then we could relax for the rest of the day.  So we did all help clean the toilets and hoover and change the bedding on all the beds.  Then Mummy made bubble and squeak for lunch and then we sat and watched Mummy set her new laptop up and we had a nap and in a couple of hours Grandma and Grandad will be coming for our second Christmas.

Ooh and Horace did wake up from hibernation this morning.  We no idea why him woke up so early but him was wide awake so the minihumans did get him some water and some salad.

I'm not a dickhead, get me out of here. By Sam

Oh my god I wish someone would buy my house quickly.  I need to get out of this godforsaken town full of total knobheads.

Merry Christmas everyone else!

Christmas Eve. By Bessie

We made up a recipe for liver sausage and apple sauce dog biscuits.  Here it is if you want to make them youself:
200g plain flour
1 egg
2 tbsp liver sausage (the Tesco value one is good cos it's nice and mushy)
2 tbsp apple sauce

Mix all the ingredients to a firm dough.  Add more flour if it's too wet or more apple sauce if it too dry.
Roll out onto a floured board to about 1cm thick and cut shapes with cookie cutter.  Put on greased baking tray and bake at 175c for 10 minutes.

We made trifle today and the humans had it for their tea.

Tomorrow it's Christmas!  We is excited.   We went for a walk down the castle.  We not been down there all week cos it's been raining til today.  We was shocked when we got down there cos it all under water.

When we got home we had a baff.  We didn't want a baff but actually (don't tell Mummy) it wasn't too bad.  It actually quite nice to have soft fluffy hair.

Bessie's very quick review of her year.

In January Mummy became South Wales rep for Basset Welfare.  I Lost my pink kong.  Darcy went to the bridge, it was very very sad.  We went for a walk with Aunty Diane and Uncle Barry, it was really cold and Carly did an exploding poo in the car but we had a lovely time anyway.

In February I found my pink kong, it was in Hamish's underpants drawer.  Mummy discovered who her real friends are.  And who her real enemies are, funnily enough they were the people she suspected all along.

In March Blue and I set a date for the wedding, 12th May.  Mummy's Great Aunty Flo died, she was 96.  Mummy did go up to Grandma and Grandad's for the funeral.

In April  we did put our house on the market and took Katie out of school because she was being bullied by some horrid people.  Bimmer went to the rainbow bridge, I was very very sad about this.  Katie's story was published in Cuddly Bears book.  I was a bridesmaid at Sadie's wedding.

In May Blue went to the rainbow bridge exactly one week before our wedding, my heart broke that night and I not know if it ever be mended.   On the day we was supposed to be married we had our first foster dog come into welfare.  Her name was Lotty, I don't think we're very good at fostering cos she's still here!  We rehomed Odie.  And we went on a basset walk in a forest, I may have started a pack rampage against some gundogs.

In June I started my blog.  And we rehomed Hector.

In July we rehomed Henry, Bertie and Missy and Mummy and me met Jefferson and his family, they are lovely people.  Bryn had tea with the Archbishop of Canterbury.  We finally started getting viewings on the house.

In August  Lotty started agility training with Miss Connie.  Grandma and Grandad came to stay.  Tom passed his english gcse and got on the course he wanted at college.  It rained most of the month but we did manage to have one day nice enough to go to the beach and have chips.  We liked the Olympics, especially the horsey events and the swimming.

In September we had our auction in the piano bar, we raised £1100.  Katie went to a new school and Bryn started big school.  Lyndsey bunny went to the bridge, her was very old and very sick. Aunty Ellen and JeffersonGranneez came to visit and we had a lovely time.  Daddy got us into Eastenders.  The Hillsborough 96 finally started to get justice when the truth came out about what really happened that day.   We won first prize in the fancy dress at the basset club fun day.  Carly discovered squirrels and became spiderbasset.  Mummy went cold turkey off painkillers and didn't even make it 24 hours before her was very sick.


In October we met Inca, MummyLouise and DaddyKeith when they came to stay and Mummy went with them to Many Tears to fetch Rufus.  Mummy had a cuddle off a baby basset while she was there.  Mummy finally got new dr martens after 16 years of wearing the same knackered old boots.  Lotty weed in mummys handbag and she took it to work smelling of wee.  We went on a basset walk which was so wet and muddy we nearly drowned.  We finally got rid of the people calling for Alison Vettus (touch wood).

In November daddy grew a moustache for Movember.  Mummy, Bryn and Carly collected for many tears, they raised £541.22.  Mummy invented giant jaffa cakes for Toms 20th birthday.  Mummy started writing a book.  My humans met Amelia Lily from X Factor.  She came 3rd last year and Daddy broke a lamp at the Beefeater.

In December Mummy finally bought a trifle dish but still hasn't made trifle.  We are meeting George at the end of the month, this is something we are very very excited about.  Mummy left a bag of poo on the roof of the car on the way to the basset club Christmas party.

Snizzle? Get outta here. By Bessie

So nothing much happened this week. Mostly it rained.  Or was freezing cold.  Or both.  The man on the weather said it was snizzling.  Him said him made a new word, a cross between snow and drizzle.  So you mean sleet then?  You don't need to make up a new word for something that already has a name Mr Weatherman, you're not Daddy.

Mummy woke up on Wednesday morning in a blind panic.  Her had a dream it was Christmas morning and she hadn't started her Christmas shopping.  So she got up nice and early and went to Cardiff and bought every single present in one trip.  Her was very pleased with herself.

She also got this strange urge to decorate the house in a 1970s style so she bought loads of paper chains and foil garlands.  Daddy was very polite and didn't go "What the F..." when him come home from work that night.

Mummy and Daddy went on their works Christmas night out on Thursday.  This makes a good change because last year they didn't have one at all and the year before they had it in March.  Only Mummy couldn't remember what she wanted to eat so she had to text the minihumans to ask Bryn what he had last time he went to the Indian restaurant.

This is the reply she got:  "Chicken Tikka something with chicken or fish or something - he said he had a salady kebab thing"  So that's what she ordered.  It was Tandoori Chicken Tikka by the way and very nice it was too apparently.

On Saturday Mummy and Daddy went to Chepstow.  Mummy been after a trifle dish for years.  Daddy said go to Marks and Spencer but her said she wants an old fashioned one, big heavy patterned glass bowl with a silver trim.  Well her has seen them over the years but she always says it's too small, too big, too expensive etc so them decided they would go and find one in one of the junk shops and spend up to £5.  Well anyway they found the perfect bowl in the first shop they went in and it was £2.  Mummy also seen some little basset ornaments and lots of tat that she doesn't need and Daddy had to talk her out of bringing it all home.

Yesterday it was my birthday.  I don't know how old I am, somewhere between 7 and 10 I think.  I got a squeaky piggy and some bacon treats.

Mummy goes a bit senile. By Bessie

Yesterday Mummy phoned the V E T to check if we was all up to date with our vaccinations and them said yes except Lotty hasn't got kennel cough.  So Mummy and Daddy took Lotty to get her kennel cough nose squirt and them saw that aussie V E T who always makes rude comments about bassets getting fat and looking like coffee tables.  Her has never met me.  I wonder what her would say about me.  Her probably think I look like a conference table.  Then her went to sign the vaccination card and realised that when we first took Lotty for her injections cos she had never had them at her last home she was supposed to have puppy vaccinations and was supposed to go back two weeks for the next lot.  Except nobody told Mummy this so she thought Lotty was just having an annual booster.  Anyway luckily she had been charged for the course so she didn't need to pay again so the V E T started Lotty's puppy vaccinations again and Mummy got to remember to take her back for the other one this time.  Then when them came out to pay for the kenel cough the receptionist say they can't go out yet cos the police are outside with a dangerous dog.  So they waited inside for a bit then the receptionist went and checked and said they can go but to go quickly past the police van and not get too close so them did that.  There was 3 police officers with them long sticks with hooks on the end, and 4 V E Ts and the van was shaking all over the place and the dog was woofing it's head off.  Mummy said it was very upsetting.  That must be a horrible part of the police and the V E Ts jobs to deal with them situations.  Them couldn't see the dog cos it was inside the van but the back door was open and through the bars of the cage them could see the outline, it was big and black with a white panel on its chest, that is all they could see.  Me wish the dog was being taken somewhere safe but me think probably not.  :(

Lotty got weighed at the V E T and she is 17.2 kilos.  That mean she put on 3 kilos so we is all happy about that.  Then them took her to pets at home and the lady in there gave her some biscuits and them brought some tripe home for our tea.

Daddy made a bird table yesterday and when Mummy came down for breakfast today she looked out the window and there was a robin on the table and she goes "OOH a bird on the table" and Daddy and Bryn was like "yeah whatever" and her thought them was being a bit uninterested.  Then her came back a bit later and the bird was still there so Mummy was scared that it had got frozed onto the table overnight so she went out to look and Daddy and Bryn had taken one of the pretend birds off the christmas tree and stuck it on the bird table.  Mummy was cross and said they were a**eholes.  And they just laughed at her and said they had planned to stick it in a different spot on the table every day til christmas when they was going to put the one with the christmas hat there.

Then we did go to the basset club christmas party and on the way we went round this big sharp bend and Daddy shouts "Sorry doggies" but we did poop in the boot anyway so it was a teeny bit stinky and all the humans was retching and hanging thems head out the windows so Daddy stopped in a layby and Mummy cleaned all the poo out of the back of the car with wet wipes and she put all the poo and dirty wipes in a poo bag and then we all got back in the car and we drove for a bit then Mummy realised her hands stinked of poo so she says to Daddy he needs to stop so she can get the wet wipes out of the accident cleaning kit they keep in the boot.  So Daddy stops again and we all get out again and then he opens the box and the wet wipes is not there then Mummy remembers she put the wet wipes and the bag of poo on the roof of the car and them not there now.  Then Daddy says Mummy is stupid for leaving anything on the boot and she says I know I've got a crap memory and them all laughs at the thought of someone driving along and the poo flying off the roof and hitting their windscreen and them would go "OH MY GOD I need something to clean that up with" and then a second later a bag of wet wipes would hit their windscreen and them would think them had been sent by God.  We did laugh until our heads was hurting.  Then we saw a Sainsburys and Daddy ask Mummy if she want to stop so she can go in and wash her hands and her say no we is nearly there now.  So her just held her hands in front of her the rest of the way and made sure not to put them near her face.

When we got to the basset show we did meet and greets with all our friends and there was a fun show and we won first prize in the fancy dress AGAIN YAY US.  And the humans had baked potatoes and macaroni cheese or beef stew for their lunch and they put Lotty and Carly in the cage while they eated cos they is naughty and I was allowed to sit on the mat.  Except I may have jumped up a couple of times but the beef stew did smell yummy.  And we met Santa.  Him looked a bit like Uncle Alan, but him must be the real Santa cos him had a basset with him and me does know the real Santa loves bassets.

On the way home we got near the lay by where we had stopped and Mummy had put the wet wipes and poo on the roof and Mummy said she wonder if they will see them and Daddy says does her want him to stop if they do and her say not to worry them was only asda smart price not johnsons.  Anyway then they see this huge mess of wet wipes covered in muck at the side of the road and Daddy says is Mummy sure her doesn't want her wet wipes back?  Them didn't see the poo though.

Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones. By Bessie

So many things to tell you.  Lemme think...
So a week last Sunday Mummy, Bryn and Carly went into Cardiff city centre to collect for Many Tears.  There was other people there too, not just them.  They stood for 5 1/2 hours in the freezing cold and they made £541.22 altogether.

Them did decide they would stay til 3pm then cos it was starting to go dark they would go home.  Well at 3pm on the dot it started tipping it down so them went to Burger King and then eated their lunch as they walked back to the car.  It was a long walk cos Mummy parked in the park and ride but them not let doggies on the bus so they had to walk into town but at least they didn't have to pay for the car park.

On Friday Grandma and Grandad came to stay for the weekend.  Mummy promised if I was good all weekend and not growl, bark or snap then we could all have a bone.  

Then Katie's friend Cerys came to stay on Friday cos the human ladies was going Christmas shopping in Cardiff and Mummy wanted to get there early cos her hates crowds and hates queueing so her wanted to be there when the shops opened at nine and home by lunchtime and Katie wanted her friend to come too.

Unfortunately them didn't leave the house until ten.  Has you ever tried to get four human ladies dressed and out of the house by nine o'clock?  So when them got into town it was PACKED.  The old humans and the minihumans did split up.  The old humans went to Primark and queued for half an hour just to buy gloves.  Then them queued in Poundland to buy advent calendars and  our bones.

Then when them was eating their lunch in a cafe the minihumans wanted to meet up so them did and then them finished their shopping and come home and them didn't get home til 5 o'clock.

In the meantime the man humans took us houndies for a walk to Tredegar Park but only me was allowed off lead cos the others chase squirrels.

In the evening Katie and Cerys put the Christmas tree up.

On Sunday Mummy made a roast dinner and velvet cake.

After lunch Grandma and Grandad went home and Mummy and Daddy took us for a walk and then Katie asked if Cerys could stay one more night and Mummy say no cos it's a school night and her say it OK her was still wearing her school uniform when her came on Friday and her didn't need anything what she didn't already have with her, except a packed lunch so Mummy made four packed lunches.  Me hope Cerys don't mind the weird stuff my humans have in their lunch boxes.

Then while the humans was eating their tea we had our bones cos me had been good and polite all weekend, them was lovely but then Mummy did take them off us and say we had enough bone for one night.  

But me think we had too much bone cos Lotty was awake ALL NIGHT with tummy ache, which meant Mummy was awake ALL NIGHT too with Lotty's tummy ache.  Lotty kept getting up and going to the door but then her not want to go out.  In the end Mummy got up and took Lotty downstairs cos Daddy was getting cross.  Her thought he would be pleased but he wasn't cos after them gone I was sick twice.  Then I was sick twice in the day and Carly sick once and we been doing little rock solid poos all over the decking all day and someone weed in the cage when Mummy took the minihumans to school.  So Mummy say her never buying them bones again.  EVER.

How many pieces did you want your egg in? By Sam

Five minutes before you leave for work is not the time to be experimenting with food.  I thought if I cracked an egg into a bowl and put it in the microwave with a drop of water it would come out like a poached egg.

It didn't.

On the plus side the roof of the microwave needed cleaning anyway.

Only nerds wear coats in winter...apparently. By Bessie

Conversation between grownuphuman and 2 minihumans:

GUH:    Where's your coat?
MH1:     (shrugs)
MH2:     (shrugs)
GUH:     It's 6 degrees out.  Aren't you cold?
MH1:     Yes
MH2:     (shrugs)
GUH:     Then wear your coat
MH1:     Nobody wears a coat to school
GUH:     I've seen people in coats
MH1:     Only nerds
GUH:     I thought you was a nerd
MH1:     NO!  Who wants to be a nerd?
GUH:     Me
MH1:     (Under breath) I can tell
GUH:     You're quiet.  You've probably caught a cold from not wearing a coat
MH2:     (shrugs)
MH1:     He should wear a coat.  he's a nerd
GUH:     No he's not.  That's so mean.  Oh look see that girl there, she's wearing a coat.  She must be a nerd
MH1:     She is
GUH:     See that girl there, she's wearing a coat.  She must be a nerd
MH1:     That's a teacher
GUH:     See that girl there, she's wearing a coat.  She must be a nerd
MH1:     That's my boyfriends sister
GUH:     I'm telling her you called her a nerd
MH1:     I didn't say everyone who wears a coat is a nerd
GUH:     Yes you did actually
MH1:     (gets out of the car and ignores GUH)
MH2:     (also gets out of the car and ignores his loving mummy)
GUH:     BBBYYYEEE NERDS


To conclude:
Humans are quite stupid. 
Minihumans don't like to wear coats to school but insist on having very expensive coats to wear at all other times.
Minihumans don't like to be called nerds but old humans like it.

My First World Problem for today. By Sam

Mug Shot Pasta... says ready in 5 minutes.  Well that's a BIG FAT LIE.

Firstly it took 2 minutes for the kettle to boil.

Then I put the water on and stirred it.

Then I waited 5 minutes.

Then I stirred it again.
Tasted one piece.
Burnt my mouth.
And it was crunchy.
Pasta is not supposed to crunch.

Then I waited another 2 minutes.
Tasted one piece.
Didn't burn my mouth this time.
But it was still crunchy.

Then I waited 2 more minutes.
Ate it.
Still crunchy.
Not nice.
But I was DYING of hunger.


And yes I know you're not supposed to start any sentence with Then, But or And.

But I don't care.
And that didn't fill me up.
Then I ate a bag of crisps.
They weren't crunchy.
They should have been.
My world is all topsy turvy.
Next I'll be drinking iced coffee and hot vimto.

Daddy shows us up in front of a famous person. By Bessie

I can't believe me forgot to tell you this story.  So the other day, well actually it was a week last Thursday, my humans had a half price voucher for the Beefeater so they decided to go out for dinner.  Well them was eating their dinner when 4 people did come in and sit in the next booth and it was only Amelia Lily.  Her came third in last years Xfactor if you doesn't know who she is.

So Amelia Lily comes and sits in the seat back to back with Katie and Katie all excited and wants her autograph but too shy to ask so Mummy asks and Amelia Lily very friendly and writes a note just for Katie:

And then my humans eavesdrops on their conversation/accidentally can hear them talking.  Amelia Lily orders baked potato and tomatoes.  Her says her loves tomatoes.  Then her jokes that she getting a tattoo what says Mum and her Mum says she is not and they all laugh, then the boy what is with them tells this story about how he was a dancer in a JLS video and he had to pretend he was in a nightclub but he was wearing a wooly hat and he couldn't get into character.

Then Daddy showed us up.  There was a lamp hanging down over the table and the shade wasn't sitting quite right so Daddy tries to put it right but the lampshade falls off in his hand and him is sitting at the table holding a broken lampshade and my humans is all laughing and Amelia Lily and her family is laughing at my Daddy.

Oh the shame.

Anyway Daddy did manage to get the lampshade back together before them got thrown out for breaking the Beefeater and them all lived happily ever after.

Exercising our rights to bark at chikin. By Bessie

I'm not saying it's cold but Mummy is wearing a wooly hat and has a duvet wrapped round her whilst sitting at the kitchen table.  I say if she put the oven on, say to bake some cakes for us, then the room would soon warm up.  She says she is ready to carry on with her novel now...but she doesn't seem to be making much of an effort if you ask me.

This morning Lotty went to agility training.  Mummy had kind of decided to give up cos she wasn't sure if Lotty was getting anywhere.  She enjoys it, they both do, and I guess that's the most important thing but last week she was apallingly badly behaved at agility.

Anyway Mummy said to her "This is your last chance to show me you can do it good".  Well, we did think Lotty doesn't listen to a word Mummy says but she did really good.  She did the weave poles properly, she did the jumps and the tunnel properly and she did the see saw properly.  She never done the see saw before but Miss Connie had been using it with the people before and Mummy asked if Lotty could have a go and Miss Connie thought Lotty would be scared but she is hard as nails and she did it like a pro, first time.

It's biggest minihumans birthday on Monday, he will be 20.  That means him not a teenager anymore, him got to move out and get a job...hmmm.  Mummy going to bake him a giant jaffa cake cos he loves jaffa cakes.  Her has no idea how she going to make it, her thinking victoria sponge with orange jam and a choklit coating.

Last night we went for two walks in the dark.  When the boy minihumans got back from school we all went out but it was already dark at quarter to four.  Then after tea Mummy and Daddy went to vote - Tom didn't want to come, Mummy said him should exercise hims right to vote and him said him would rather exercise his right to sit on his bum - anyway we went with them and them took us into the school playground even though we does know dogs isn't allowed in the school playground.  Cos we is big rebels like that. We don't know if lots of people went to vote but there wasn't anyone else there when we went and the lady at the desk looked very bored.

We had a frozen kong each yesterday for breakfast for a change, and chikin wings for tea.  Mummy was putting the chikin wings into our bowls and we was getting a bit excited and shouting "Hurry up Mummy" like you do when there was a knock at the door so Mummy shouts for one of the minihumans to get the door and Bryn did go and then he come in the kitchen and tells Mummy there's a lady at the door so Mummy says her will have to wait so Bryn tells her Mummy is feeding us and instead of going away like any sane person her decides to wait.  So Tom comes and takes over in the kitchen and Mummy goes to the door and the lady says she can see how busy Mummy is but then she gets this iPad out and starts trying to show Mummy a slide show about lovefilm.somethingorother and Mummy says her is sorry but her has three dogs fighting over a chikin and her going to have to go and deal with it and the lady turns and waves her arm in this weird gesture and strops off and Mummy thinking her should try and control her strops if her wants to work for a big company like that, her not setting a good example of their customer services.

Got. To. Stop. Eating. By. Sam

So far today I have had:

6 potato cakes
half a tub of egg mayonnaise
2 bags of cheese and onion crisps (Ringos to be precise)
Tesco fishermans pie

500ml bottle mango iced tea
3 cups of tea
1 glass water

2 beta blockers
2 ibuprofen
1 berroka

...and it's only 1.33pm

What a massive waste of time that was. By Sam

So I wrote 28000 + pages then I was brushing my teeth, looked at myself in the mirror and my reflection sneers "Your book is shite.  Nobody's going to be interested in that crap".

She was right of course, it is.

So back to the drawing board.  I have three ideas, which one would you rather read?  Be honest with me.  If you was in Waterstones looking for a book, or more likely looking for the free books on e reader, which of these would you most likely pick up; if any:

1.    Working title - Benny Strikes Again.

The story of a lonely girl who deals with a traumatic incident in childhood by inventing an imaginary friend called Benny.  When she's a child he gets her into trouble by causing mischief but as she gets older his actions become more dangerous and daring and she slips deeper into her make believe world.   Is there anybody man enough to step in and take Benny on?

2.     Working title - Waiting For The Karma Bus.

A woman who spends her whole life as a victim finally gets fed up of waiting for the Karma Bus to deal with the people who hurt her and takes matter into her own hands.  She crosses names off in her Revenge Book when she thinks they've learnt their lesson but the further down the list the bigger the punishments need to be until things get out of hand.

3.     Working title - It Could Be You.

A couple spend all their time dreaming about winning the lottery, so much so that their family, friends and even complete strangers constantly say "When you win can you buy me...insert increasingly bizarre request". One day their dream comes true and they win a rollover but every single person they ever agreed to help comes out of the woodwork and they have to decide how far they are willing go to please everybody.

Newsflash! By Bessie

We interrupt the schedule to bring you breaking news:

At 10:48am on Saturday 10th November 2012 Daddy did admit he was wrong.

Him issued a full and frank apology what went like this "I'll let you off this time, the car did come out of that turning"

Mummy said "I accept your humble and heartfelt apology in the spirit what it was given".

Then her rolled her eyes.

In other news Katie made choklit brownies... to be more specific she made dog hair and choklit brownies.  Her is eating one right now, dripping crumbs on the laptop as her leans over to read this *puts bottom in the way for privacy* and her keeps pulling hairs out of her mouth.  Other than that though she says they are delicious.

Also Lotty is asleep next to me.  Her keeps touching my bum with her claws in her sleep and it's making me cross.

Katie just said to Mummy "you weed" then she pointed to the bed under Mummy so Mummy checked and Katie says "Why did you check you weirdo?  Did you really think you'd weed"  Now me and Mummy's cheeks is hurting from laughing so hard and Katie says "Why you keep laughing so much.  It not even funny".

Mummy wrote 28,283 words before her suddenly turned to Daddy and said "This book's crap.  Nobody will read this crap"

I'm ready to write my novel! By Sam

Finally after about 25 years of thinking about it I've decided what my book is going to be about.  I've had millions of ideas over the years, even started writing the story on many occasions and discarded it.  But now I know what I want to write about.

I have someone to thank for giving me the idea, someone who played a very low trick on me this week that I should have seen coming but walked right into.  But ho hum, we live and learn and anyway it's going to become part of my novel.

So excited.  Can't wait to get started.  You will buy it won't you?

Noisy bangies and wotnot. By Bessie

It's bonfire night and Carly is freaked out by the fireworks for the third night in a row.  Hopefully that will be it after tonight til New Years Eve.   She not as bad as some animals though, she just needs lots of cuddles.  Lotty doesn't like them either but she is not much of a cuddler.  She likes her own space so she just sits bolt upright every time she hears a bang or a whistle then she goes back to sleep.  Carly is sitting on our typists lap right now.

Biggest minihuman has gone to the pictures with his friends and middle minihuman has gone to her friends house for tea.  She wasn't supposed to but when Mummy went to pick her up from school she asked if she could go and could Daddy pick her up on his way back from work.  But then when Daddy went to get her she asked if he could come back when he goes to get Tom.  Daddy not impressed that she out wandering the streets on bonfire night but she say she with a big gang so she be OK.  He say that what he's worried about!

We didn't do much today.  We just normally like to have a lazy day on a Monday so Mummy tidied her wardrobe and put all the minihumans old school uniforms in a charity bag and did some cleaning and made some Thai food for the humans tea - well she did call it Asian fusion but that's just what people say when they haven't got a clue what they're making or if crispy seaweed goes with green thai curry (littlest minihuman say no, Mummy and Daddy say yes) - and we just napped and went for a walk down the castle then had our feeties washed cos Mummy doesn't like our paw art on the hall floor for some strange reason.  Then when Mummy got back from picking littlest minihuman up from school she was very cross cos she said she had only been gone for one hour and there was a big poo on the kitchen floor.  BUT I have two things to say in defence:
1.  She wasn't only gone for one hour, she was gone for eleventyseven hours.
2.  It was only a poo.  Least nobody had done a wee under the cooker this time.

Lotty finally starting to put a bit of weight on.  She getting a little tummy and Mummy keeps blowing raspberries on it cos she loves it.

I won a Minnie Mouse bandana in Cat Greyhounds auction.  I can't wait to wear it.

We was going to go on a basset walk on Sunday but the weather forecast was really bad for Yoville (I thought that was a game on Facebook but apparently it's a real place in Somerset.  Fancy that).  It even said it might snow on the hills and we think the walk was up a hill - they usually are.  So we stayed home instead and just went for a walk round our castle.  It was even muddier than normal cos they was getting all the stuff ready for the firework display and loads of trucks had churned up the ground.  When we got back we all had to have baths.

The humans didn't go to see the fireworks.  Daddy said him has been for 12 years on the run and him fancied a break and anyway Carly needed snuggles.  Then we watched X Factor results and we was all very cross and said we not watching it again (I've heard that before though) and then we watched the last in the series of Downton.  It was very good.  We did laugh about the fuss Carson and Alfred was making about Thomas being a gay.  Hee hee.  Anyway me say no more, me not want to spoil it for my Americaland friends.  As you can see me did put a countdown widget on my blog so we can all wait for the Christmas special.

Snow...in Newport. By Bessie

On Wednesday it was halloween so me and George went trick or treating round our friends houses.  By the time we got to Aunty Kath's we were cold and tired so we went in and had horlicks with JJ.  The minihumans went on their own and came back with lots of sweets that Katie couldn't eat so Mummy took them off her hands.  She says she's good like that.

Today Lotty went to agility training but it started raining just after they got there but they carried on but then it started snowing, then hailing so Lotty, Mummy and Miss Connie sheltered in the shed and after a while Miss Connie said do you want to go out in the rain, wait a bit longer or call it a day?  And Mummy was going erm lemme think when there was this huge clap of thunder and so they decided they wasn't going to get any agility done today.  So they got in the car and they took Katie to her friends house and Katie's boyfriend and his friend was waiting outside so Katie wanted Mummy and Lotty to drive off fast and not under any circumstances to get out the car seeing as they were both soaking wet and Mummy was wearing bright pink wellies and no make up and therefore looked like an old hag.  There was a bit of snow on the pavements in Newport so them must have had a longer snow than what they did up on the hill at agility.

Then Mummy took Lotty to work so she could weigh her and she was 14.9 kilos, which means she has lost weight again and then they went in the office and the mens was eating their breakfast cos them don't do any work on a Friday me not think and Matt did feel sorry for Lotty and give her scrambled egg and toast.

Then they went to Pets at home and Mummy asked one of the mens for advice about putting weight on Lotty and him said buy the high end normal kibble and she should start putting weight on so Mummy bought a new pink bowl what is bigger than the bowl she uses now so she can have bigger portions, a huge bag of kibble and three bags of frozen tripe for Carly.

Them then came home and Mummy hoovered because her had asked Tom to do it while she was out but as she was getting out of the car she heard the hoover go on and decided it was easier to do it herself.

Ooh me interrupt this boring story to tell you that the estate agent just phoned and we've got a viewing tomorrow.  Me has to hurry up and finish this cos my typist needs to go and do some (massive) cleaning.  This an exciting development, we hasn't had any viewings for ages and we stopped thinking about selling the house til the spring.

Me and Inca. By Bessie

Ooh what a exciting weekend.  Where to start?  So on Friday Lotty didn't go to agility cos Miss Connie was busy so we stayed home and helped Mummy with the Friday clean.  Every Friday Mummy does a big clean in the hope that someone comes to buy the house.

Then in the evening Inca, MummyLouise and DaddyKeith came to stay.  Me so excited for my sister Inca to stay.  The humans had their dinner and then we all sitted in the lounge and Inca did sit on the settee with Lotty then we did go to bed.

In the morning we did all get up early and we all went for a walk so we could show Inca our castle.  We did all run around and have fun and Carly found some sheep poo and she tried to roll in it so Mummy had to chase her across the field and Carly kept stopping and looking at Mummy and she would shout NO ROLLY and then Carly would run off again.  Then we came to a field of sheeps so we all had to go on our leads and the sheeps was sat right in the path so we did run down the path and the sheeps run off then them was following us like them thought them was hard or something.  But them is not hard, them is sheeps.

Then we come home and the humans had bacon and egg rolls and then Mummy went with MummyLouise, DaddyKeith and Inca to Many Tears.

When them got there them went in and met their new doggy, Rufus and him and Inca did get on good and not bark or growl at each other and everyone was happy.  And hims foster mummy, Jane, who we did meet when we all went camping with Many Tears last year, her said to Mummy "I got a surprise for you" and them went to the car and her had the little baby basset, East in her car.  So Mummy did carry him round for the whole time them was there.  Him was wearing a little jumper and wrapped in a blankie cos him only a ten week old baby.  Mummy did love him very much and her would love to keep him forever and ever.

But then it time to go home so MummyLouise did go in the office and sign all the paperwork for Rufus and them all got in the car and Inca and Rufus did sit in the back with DaddyKeith and them was all very good and all 3 went to sleep and cuddled and it was very cute.

Then them came home and Inca and Rufus came in for a drink and them had a wee in the garden and we all sniffed each other and then it was time for them to go home.  We did have a lovely weekend and it was so nice to meet my in laws.  Me did wish Blue was there though.

Bugger off with your lifestyle survey. By Sam

Where do these piggin people get our number from anyway?  This one tonight, says her name's Mel.  Doesn't sound like a Mel to me.  So Katie answers and she says "Is this Mrs Samantha Morgan?"
So Katie says "No, I'll go and get her" and 'Mel' says "Hello my name is Mel.  I'm calling to do a short lifestyle survey".
And Katie's shouting "No, wait" but she's just wobbling on so Katie passes the phone to me and she's still going "And is this -inserts my name, address and postcode (creepy)".
"What the hell?" I ask Katie, "is this one of them answer machines?  I'm still not Alison Vettus".
"Who is this?  How did you get our number?"  I bark.
"Hello my name is Mel.  I'm calling to do a short lifestyle survey, it will only take 5 minutes".
"I haven't got 5 minutes" I say.
"It will only take 2 minutes" she says.
"I still haven't got time" - I'm in the middle of a very important game of solitaire. (I don't tell her that, I don't think she'd listen anyway).
"It will only take one minute".
"Sorry, I'm feeding the dogs" I say, waving the tub of treats so they'll bark (they don't for the first time ever in the history of my dogs world), "Bye" and as I put the phone down I hear her say "It will only take 30 seconds".

Sorry love, I know you're only doing your job but surely there must be a better way to earn a living?  Like a funeral parlour make up artist maybe?  Or emptying the sanitary disposal bins in public toilets?

And more to the point, where did they get my name, address and phone number from?

And isn't lifestyle a euphonism for swinging?  I don't do swinging.  Nobody would have me.

My name's Carly and I'm a skiwwel addict. By Bessie

My sister is properly addicted to squirrels.  Every time she sees one she shouts SKIWWEL and she runs after it.  She never caught one so we not know what she would do if she catched one.  She say she got a whole book full of recipes but I does think she would run off crying if one stopped and looked at her.

Last night Mummy bought us a fish each from Tesco for our tea.  Them was delicious but Mummy said never again, her didn't like the smell.

This morning Mummy got us up early and we went for a walk in the dark.  Then we had breakfast and Mummy went to work.  When her got home Mummy, Tom and Bryn took us for another walk.  We went down the castle and there was dozens of squirrels and Carly got very excited and did wind me and Lotty up too.  So none of us was allowed off the lead.  Me and Lotty was very cross with Carly.

Then we come home and had tea and watched some telly.

A dead squirrel coated in creosote and pooed on? By Bessie

So on Friday it was Mummy's day off from work so we had breakfast then Mummy took Lotty to agility training.  Her is good at the jumping and the tunnel and the beam and the a frame but rubbish at the weave poles.  Miss Connie say her thought if there was anything Lotty would not be good at it would be the weave poles cos her is so long.  So there not a lot we can do about that, her just has to learn how to do it.  Then they come home and we all went for a walk round our castle.  When we got to the car park Mummy put me and Lotty on leads but her say she trust Carly not to run off cos Carly a good girl.  Only Carly seen a squirrel and run off and stood in the middle of the football pitch.  Carly loves squirrels.  So we all had to go onto the football pitch and get her.  Lucky there was nobody playing on it.  Then we come home and had a sleep and Mummy went to get the minihumans from school and Katie had her friend over and we did all have a cuddle with Katie's friend.

On Saturday we did go to Tredegar Park for a run about.  We had a lovely roll about but then I may have found something to roll in.  Mummy says it smelled like someone had done a poo of dead squirrel and creosote.  So then we went to pick Katie up from her friends and we come home and we all had baffs.

Today we went to Pets at Home.  Mummy was going to buy us all a new collar but then her decided it was too expensive so her would just get one a month and Katie said Lotty should go first cos her has never had a collar what wasn't a handmedown and me say that's the way it is when you is the youngest.  But anyway Mummy did buy her a purple spotty collar

Then she got some frozen tripe for Carly's tea and then we went to Caerwent and we went for a run round the castle and we was all careful not to roll in anything cos we not want another baff.  Carly seen a squirrel and she run around shouting SKWIRREL SKWIRREL!  Her is obsessed.  Her says her going to write a cookbook of skwirrel recipes.  Here is a recipe she give me:

Skwirrel Pie:

Take one skwirrel.  Take one meat an tata pie.  Eat de miggle out de meat an tata pie.  Put de skwirrel in de pie.  Serve wiff mash tatas an gwavy.

Then we come home and had a sleep

Bessie does science. By Bessie

Me has been doing some scientific experiments to find things out.  This is what I has discovered today:

Hottest Substance in the world:
The buckle of my collar when it has been on the radiator

Coldest substance in the world:
A bassets nose when it touches the bit of skin between the bottom of a t-shirt and the top of your jeans (according to Mummy)

Fastest cooling substance in the world:
Toast

Slowest cooling substance in the world:
A scrambled egg when I is waiting for my dinner

Fastest heating substance in the world:
A metal spoon what has been used to stir pasta

Slowest heating substance in the world:
Scrambled egg when I is waiting for my dinner

Hardest substance in the world:
Dried on weetabix

Softest substance in the world:
The fur just under my ear

Stickiest substance in the world:
The glue strips what they use to glue credit cards to letters (or a bogie)

Least sticky substance in the world:
A plaster

Nicest smell in the world:
Sardines

Nastiest smell in the world:
One of them trumps Lotty does just before she goes out for a poo or the poo bin down the castle

Most easily scratched substance in the world:
The paint on Mummy's car just under the boot

Most easily ripped substance in the world:
Whatever they make ladies tights out of

Loudest noise in the world:
Carly snoring when she's wearing a cone

Quietest noise in the world:
Mummy shouting tidy your room (it must be cos nobody ever hears it)

Me has become a painting restorer. By Bessie

Me did get a new job working for the national gallery.  Them said them was bored with their paintings and could I make them any better so me did:

How Bessie had bacon for the first time, got sucked into the mud monsters lair and nearly drowned. By Bessie

Today we went out with the Basset Hound Walkers.  Mummy made picnics for the humans and Daddy said him always gets starving on these walks so Mummy made extra food and she made snossij and bacon rolls for them to eat when them got there.  We houndy girls is not allowed to eat before we go out in the car or we is sick so we not have no breakfast.  When we got there we was starving and then Mummy took the snossij and bacon rolls and handed them out.  And her had made us houndies rolls too!  Them was the tastiest things we ever tasted.  We was so happy.

Lucky we did get there first and we got a good parking spot cos the car park got full up and all the basset people did double park so we could fit more cars in.  Then we did go on our walk.  We all posed for Mr Dave's group photo and him did a count and him think there 22 bassets and 4 other dogs.  Lotty not want to walk with us cos there was some little terriers and her loves to run with them so her did run off and play with her new friends.  We went on the beach and then we walked down a VERY muddy path.  Sometimes there was massive deep puddles and the humans climbed over the barbed wire fence and went through the farmers field instead but us houndies had to get wet and muddy cos we couldn't climb over the fence.

Then we got to this bit where the water was so deep and wide that the humans all had to shimmy along a fence to get to the other side but us houndies was sposed to walk through.  Well Lotty did run through and all the other houndies ran through but me and Carly didn't want to get wet and we waited for Daddy to come back but him say no so Katie did try and come back but her couldn't reach us so everyone say we have to wade through the water.  Carly goed first and everyone did clap and cheer and then me did stand and cry and me think me has to go through cos my Mummy on the other side calling me and me really want my Mummy.  So me did wade through the deep water and it very cold and very wet and everyone cheer very loud and do lots of clapping and Mummy give me big kiss and cuddle.  Me hope Mr Dave didn't get that on his video, it be very embarrassing.  Daddy say he think the video camera was turned off while Mr Dave went through the water.

Then me did have a little snack of cow poo but me got a little bit on my chin and ears and Mummy say "Ugh Bess stinks" and Daddy say "Your breath stinks?" and Mummy say "Yes cos that's exactly the kind of thing I'm going to announce".  Anyway then Mummy not want to cuddle me anymore cos her say me smell kind of rank.

Then we walked up the mountain, it was a long way up and we was very tired when we got to the top.  The humans opened their picnics and Mummy gave us all some treats and we had a little rest but then we thought Mummy looked like her was struggling with her big picnic so Lotty ate all her pizza for her and Carly ate half her scone and I ate half her caramac.  Her was not very grateful for our help though.  Humans are very strange creatures sometimes.

Then we walked down the mountain.  Down was much easier.  Mummy was chatting to this lady and them was chatting for ages about this and that when suddenly them realised them already new each other and had spoked loads on the phone cos this lady was also a basset welfare rep.  Them was laughing and them did think it was very nice to meet each other.

When we got to the bottom of the mountain we did cross the main road and we was sposed to run fast across the road and jump through a stile.  We had to take it in turns cos the stile was right next to the road and there was only room for one human at a time to stand there without being runned over.  Anyway we was waiting when Mr Dave realised Matilda was missing so Mummy and Katie and us went back and Katie helped him go and look for her.  Katie did find her sitting in a farmers field munching on a cow poo so her brought her back and we did all line up to cross the road.  When it was our go Mummy ran with me and Carly but we did panic cos this lady was trying to pull us through the stile and we not want to go through the stile so we both backing up into the road and another lady ran over and helped Mummy push our bums through.  That was a bit embarrassing (again) and we hope Mr Dave not put that in the film (again, him was filming this time).

Then we walked through some farmers fields and over a stream and Daddy tried to wash my face in the stream but it very cold water so me did fight him and me did win.  Then we went in the tea shop and this woman what worked there came over to some of the people with us and say "who organised this outing" and someone say "Him is in the toilet" and her say "You should have phoned ahead, we might run out of scones now".  One of the men in our group says "it ok, there's not that many of us, if you run out we will have something else" and her say "Me was thinking of the people what come in after you, if I run out it be your fault".  It be 4 o'clock on a Sunday afternoon in October, it be 7 degrees out, me not think they be getting much more business in  an outdoor tea shop.

Then her realise her a cow and she say "Not that I don't appreciate your custom and I love your beagles" and then her goes off and everyone is laughing, even people what is not with us.  Then Mr Dave comes back and them tells him what her said.  So when the waitress lady (a different lady from the other one) brings his cream tea him says I only wanted one scone and her say "a cream tea is 2 scones and a cup of tea, half a cream tea is one scone and a cup of tea.  You ordered a cream tea, not half a cream tea".  So him say "But I only want one scone, can you take the other one back please?" and her say "but you already paid for it" and him say "that's OK, I only want one though so please take one back" and her say "but you paid for it, you can't have your money back" and him say "I don't want my money back but if you leave 2 scones I'll eat them both and I shouldn't eat them both.  So why don't you take one back so you don't run out" and her say "I can't do that because the records will say more cream teas have been eaten that have been eaten".  Then one of the other men picks up the scone and sticks it in his mouth and says"there you go, the scone is gone now".  And the waitress stomps off and everyone is laughing and the man and lady at the next table what is not with us comes over and says how funny that was and how rude the staff all is and them does have cuddles with us and Mummy says them should not touch my chin or ears and them gives me a stroke on the head instead.

Then the minihumans had an icecream and we had some treats and after all the other basset people had gone home we went to play on the beach on our own.  It was freezing though and Carly was sat on Mummy's lap on the beach shivering and whimpering so Mummy say her think it time to go home now so we went and got in the car and went home.

When we got home we had to have a bath and then we had our tea and then we watched X Factor.

Here's a video of our walk. 5:00 you see me nearly drown

Don't touch my muffins. By Sam

The oddest thing happened in Tesco yesterday.  We went to the bakery section at 4pm like we always do to get the reduced stuff but the woman hadn't finished marking it down yet so I said to the kids "I'll just grab this pack of muffins and we'll wait and see what else there is".

So I did grab the muffins and the woman turned round and gave me the foulest look I've ever seen.  And trust me, I know some right bitches so I'm an expert on foul looks.

So we decided to do the rest of the shopping and come back a bit later.  Well, 10 minutes later we went back and she was still s-l-o-w-l-y marking loaves of bread and packs of cakes down so I had a little rummage in the crate and again she gives me a filthy look and slams another crate down on top of the first crate, nearly taking my hand off in the process.

"OK I guess we're not allowed to touch the bread yet then, my mistake" I whisper over 50 fields.  And we go off and hide behind the tonic waters, peeking round the corner every few minutes to see if she's finished.  But then she sees us looking and goes even slower, deliberately placing things in the crate in slow motion whilst glaring in our general direction.

So we went and hid somewhere else.  By this point I should have given up and gone home but she had really pissed me off.  She was being a right cow for absolutely no reason.  Eventually she finished marking up her manky rolls and then pushes her crates towards the back of the shop.  No idea why she feels she has to move the bread, the reduced bakery crate ALWAYS lives in the exact same spot.  i.e. right where it already was.

"I'll follow her" says Katie.  So, like a ninja, Katie follows the Queen of Bread back to her lair.  Which for some godforsaken reason was at the complete other end of the shop at the end of the baby products aisle.

She was like a warrior coming back holding aloft 5 packs of chocolate muffins and a loaf of bread (all 8p, my favourite price!).

I WIN!  haha up yours bitch.

No I is not Alison flippin Vettus. By Bessie

Them peoples phoned again.  This disembodied voice (which wasn't Daddy being silly this time) said "are you Alison Vettus?   press 1 for yes, 2 for no"

So Mummy pressed 2.  And then it says "ask Alison Vettus to phone Westcott Finance on bla bla number".  so Mummy normally swears and puts the phone down at this point but she listened to the whole message this time and at the end it says "do you not know an Alison Vettus? press 3".  so she pressed 3 and this lady comes on and says "can i take your name?"  and Mummy says "no you can't but it's not Alison Vettus".  and the lady says "oh, er, right.  What number are you calling from?"  So Mummy tells her, cos they do already have our number but as a contact for this Alison woman so her thinks it OK to tell them the number.

Then the lady says "And what address are you at?"  And Mummy goes "HA like I'd tell you that".  And the lady says "it's to stop us mailing you" and Mummy says, "Don't worry, I know what address Alison Vettus lives at cos one of your representatives let slip one time and it's not this address".  And the lady says "OK I will take your number off our database now".  And Mummy says "I don't want to sound rude but will you actually do it this time please because we've been getting these calls for 2 years now and if they don't stop I'm going to report you to British Telecom and Ofcom" and the lady says "have you asked us to stop before?" and Mummy says "only about 20 times so could you actually do it this time?" and the lady says "Alison Vettus has probably got numerous accounts with us, we'll take your number off this one but we can't guarantee you won't get more calls" and Mummy says "OK but I can't guarantee we won't have this conversation again and next time I might not be so polite.  Good day to you".

So I is sure we haven't heard the end of this yet.  And if anyone does know Alison Vettus could you tell her to pay her flippin catalogue bill and stop annoying us.  I give you a clue:  She is probably quite large cos it was one of them outsize ladies clothes catalogues what used to phone all the time before they passed it on to the debt collectors and we know what street she lives in but not what number.  Mummy deliberately didn't write it down when they told her cos she doesn't want any involvement in this stupid woman's debts.

Bessie judges the show. By Bessie

So yesterday Mummy and Katie was helping at the basset hound show.  Them said they wasn't going to take any of us houndies cos we is a nuisance at these type of things and we is not supposed to be at the show anyway unless we is entered in the show.  But - just like the day Mummy went to visit Jefferson and she wasn't going to take me - she woke up and me was lay there snuggled up to her face and she thought I can't spend a whole day without my Bessie baby.  So me did go.  Lotty and Carly had to stay home cos Carly gets lairy and starts fights and Lotty would have eaten all the food in the kitchen and got a broom up the bum off Aunty Julie.  Plus she probably not even a basset really.  We thinks she a whippet with a bassets head glued on.

We did go to the show and Daddy drove us there and he come in and did all the manly jobs for Aunty Tina like setting the ring out.  Daddy is a champion show ring setter outer now.  Then Aunty Marion and Uncle Bernard come and they brought their 4 dogs and we all chatted and Aunty Marion said her dogs were all very nervy so me and Mummy sat on the floor and waited for them to come to us and them did come to us and let us cuddle and Aunty Marion was pleased that her dogs did let Mummy cuddle them.  Mummy say to Daddy after that she not know why Aunty Marion always has nervy dogs, her wonders if it not something Aunty Marion does with them that make them like that.  I say Mummy shouldn't gossip, it very unladylike.

Then Daddy did go back home to look after Carly and Lotty and Mummy did set out her stall.  Mummy always look after the breed standard stall.  We not know why it called that cos really it just basset crap what they sell.  But someone did forget most of the boxes so there was only a teeny bit of basset crap this time and Mummy only made £5.25 off her stall all day.  Daddy probably happy there was not much stuff cos Mummy didn't buy any more stuff to put in her basset crap cupboard.  Mummy put the cage and my cushion under the table so me could sit in it and have a sleep but me far too busy snoopervising to sleep.

Katie and Kristen played hide and seek.  Kristen is Aunty Tina's graddaughter.  Her is 5, she likes to play with me and we do always have cuddles.  Me not allowed to play hide and seek cos Katie say I always stand next to her hiding place and bark and that cheating.

At this point me did originally write a big paragraph about what happened when I decided I wanted to be in the show and stood in the ring during judging but Mummy made me remove it cos she said if certain people did read it then they would know me was being rude about them and they would complain to the prime minister.  Mummy I don't know who you think reads this at all.

Anyway me did like going to the show.  Me not into all that showing stuff, it looks too much like hard work but me does like being Mummy's assistant and me likes all the peoples from our basset club, them is all very nice and lovely and does deserve to be called my aunties and uncles.

Then the show was over and Daddy did come to help clean up and me did run over to my Daddy for a cuddle and him did give me a huge big cuddle.  Then we tidied up and went home and Daddy made us our tea and him made the humans tea and Katie was rude about the tea what Daddy made and everybody did tell her off.

Then we watched Countryfile and them went to the farmers market in Abergavenny and them said they was knocking it down and building them a lovely new one outside town and all the people was moaning and saying them wanted the old one to stay.  Me say they are being silly and ungrateful.  Firstly the town centre is no place for farm animals and secondly, them is farmers.  Their farms is not in the town centre so it not like they had all walked to the market so it not really matter where they have their market.  Anyway it none of my business, me only went to Abergavenny once so me not really care if peoples want to march down Queen Street with a herd of cattle.

Then we watched X Factor results (which made us cross and we didn't blame Gary Barlow for stomping off, we would have stomped off too.  That Louis Walsh needs a good slapping if you ask me).  And we watched Downton Abbey but me not allowed to tell you what happened cos me did promise my Americaland friends me would not give the story away.

The Professor D-Ream rap. By Bessie

Mummy loves professor D-Ream.  So much so that she wrote him a rap:

Yo yo listen up homies,
Here's a liddle rap about the universe,
I'll try and rhyme but it might get worse,
Pluto used to be a planet but now it ain't,
Cos to be a Planet you have to be really great,
We so sorry that was yo fate,
You was a good planet Pluto said your mates,
But you was no match for Saturn,
(It ran rings round you to be honest),
And Mars with it's firey burn,
I D-ream that things can only get better for the universe,
Except it's slowly dying and one day we will all get sucked into a white dwarf,
Yo yo yo anyway I digress,
Cos I saved this bit for last, the best,
I just wanted to say Professor Brian,
I just love Uranus

Me and the Basset Hound Walkers. By Bessie

We is members of a group called the Basset Hound Walkers.  Well we is not really members cos it's not like there's a list or anything.  Every month the venue and date is on the website, if you want to go, you go.  Sometimes we do, sometimes we is busy or it is too far away.  Anyway I tell you a bit about the walks we have been on.

Mendips, Somerset 6th March 2011     17 bassets

This was the first walk we went on, it was just me and my humans.  We didn't get Carly til 6 days later, funnily enough if it wasn't for this walk we probably wouldn't have Carly.  Seeing me having so much fun with the pack made my humans realise I needed another basset so we got Carly.  We had lunch at the peak of the hill and then we all had a chase.

Woodberry Castle, South Devon 10th April 2011     24 bassets

This was Carly's first big day out and she did very well with all them other dogs.  It was a really hot day but there were loads of puddles and streams to paddle in and drink from.  We had lunch by a stream.

Watch the video here

Hackpen Hill, Marlborough 8th May 2011     27 bassets

This was REALLY long.  Us and Mummy and another lady and her basset got lost cos her dog was very old and was walking slowly so we ended up way behind and luckily guessed our way back right.

Watch the video here

Cerne Abbas, Dorset 5th June 2011     18 bassets

This walk was a long way away so we made a weekend of it and camped the night before.  Unfortunately it rained the day of the walk but we went anyway seeing as we'd come all that way.  We had our lunch on a hill and afterwards the humans went to a tea shop for a cream tea.

Watch the video here

Kilve, Somerset 11th September 2011     14 bassets

We went on the beach and looked at fossils.  We walked up a hill and had our lunch at the top and afterwards the humans went to a tea shop for a cream tea.  It was just Mummy, Tom and Bryn that came with us today.  Daddy had taken Katie to a football tournament.

Watch the video here

Savernake Forest, Marlborough 6th May 2012     23 bassets

We walked through the forest, some people rolled in mud (but not me).  Then we had lunch under a monument and walked through the other side of the forest.

Watch the video here

Kilve, Somerset 14th October 2012     22 bassets

It was very muddy and very wet and cold but we had a good walk and it was lots of fun.  Lotty's first walk and she wasn't a bit shy.  She made friends with a gang of terriers and we didn't see her all morning.  She walked with us in the afternoon though cos she was tired and probably wanted a carry.

Watch the video here