Our weekend with Grandma and Grandad. By Bessie

Grandma and Grandad came to stay on Friday.  We has not seen them in ages.  Them has not met Lotty but her was not shy.  She just climbs all over them and licks Grandma's feet and stoled food out of her hands (you has to eat faster than that round here Grandma).

On Saturday the girl humans and Tom went shopping and the boy humans (except Tom) and us went for a walk.   Carly was a good girl and let Grandad hold her lead cos Mummy wasn't there.  On the way to the shops Mummy took Grandma to show her the house we does want to buy but as she turned into the road there was a ENORMOUS sold sign outside the house.  Mummy screamed then stopped the car dead in the road and shouted every swear word she knew (IN FRONT OF HER MUMMY!).  So we is not buying that house.  We is not happy.

On Sunday we went out for the day.  We went to the harbour in Bristol.  We had a picnic.  The humans had buns and crisps and us doggies had a bun and a beefburger and a schmacko and a bowl of water but we didn't want the water so we had a drink of puddle water instead and this stupid idiot man looked at us drinking out the puddle and said "ugh it makes me sick". Well so does your comedy accent, I did think, you is not Benny Hill you knows.  I does love my Grandma and Grandad.

Then when we was walking back to the car we seen 2 bassets and we did go over and say hello and the mummies was chatting.  The lady said she knew we was coming cos people kept telling her there were 3 bassets coming this way.  Daddy said afterwards that he thought Mummy knew them and her said no we is just friendly basset peoples.  The doggies names was Dexter and Dotty and they was lovely.  Afterwards Mummy did think she did know of them after all, she thinks they is from a group what Mr Dave calls the Bristol 5 what comes on the walks with the basset walking club sometimes but we has never been on a walk at the same time as them.

Today it has been raining all day, we does not like to go for walks in the rain.  If it stops later we might go for a quick trot round the block.  The humans went out earlier to buy school uniform but them came back angry with each other cos them was trying to buy school shoes and it always does end in a fight.

This week the humans has lots of busy things to do.  Tomorrow Mummy is in work  and the minihumans is going to walk down the village with us and have littlest minihumans hair cut and pick up Mummy's tablets.  And then Mummy has to take the minihumans to their new school to meet the headmaster and he is going to take them on a tour and introduce them to all the teachers.  Then littlest minihuman is going to a birthday party sleepover.  Me hopes the weather has improved cos they is camping in the garden.

On Wednesday Mummy has to go to work.  We does not like Wednesdays cos Mummy stays in work til late.  The bigger minihumans has to walk to pick littlest minihuman up from his sleepover.  Me hopes them not expect me to go with them, it a very long way.

On Friday Lotty going to agility training, then the humans has to go to the school uniform shop, then they has to go into town to fight over school shoes again, then they is going to the opticians and Katie will probably need new glasses cos her needs new glasses every time they go.

On Sunday we is going to the Basset club fun day.  Hurray, we is excited about that.  We does love the fun day.  We hopes Carly behaves herself.  Mummy taking the cage, if she norty she can have time out in it.

As Professor D-Ream wisely said... things can only get better. By Bessie

Today is a good day.
Tom minihuman passed his English GCSE so he can start his college course tomorrow.  
We has got the other minihumans into a new school.  
Grandma and Grandad are coming to stay for the weekend.

And we have cake.

Things happening soon and things what did already happen. By Bessie.

Our Grandma and Grandad are coming to stay on Friday.  Yay!  They hasn't met Lotty yet.  They is going to think her is insane!  Mummy taking her to agility on Friday so hopefully her will be tired and behave herself.

Tom gets his exam results on Thursday and if he gets a C in English he has enrolment day at College on Friday.  We all has our human fingers and bassety toebones crossed.

Next week we has to go to the appeal panel with the director of education.  Hopefully we get the minihumans into a good school.  Katie minihuman needs to go back to school we does think.

Last night and tonight we did play Come Dine With Me.  For thems what don't know it is a programme where strangers take it in turns to host a dinner party for each other and they score each other and the winner gets £1000.  Well Mummy did make her dinner last night.  Her made... well to be honest it was cheese on toast...she say it not cos it made Pie d'angloys or some poncy cheese and it got roasted red peppers or some poncy vegetables.  And for main course her made pasta bake with cream and mushroom sauce, only her left it in the oven too long and the pasta drinked all the sauce.  And for pudding her did redeem herself with blackberry fool made of the blackberries which grow from the bones of dead pets in the fishy graveyard in the flowerbed.

Her did score 27 out of 30.

The miniumans did make dinner tonight.  They did garlic bread and balsamic dip for starter.  And pasta with tomato and cream sauce and peppers for mains and it was nice and the pasta didn't drink all the sauce.  And for pudding eaten mess what we did name pink slop (in a loving way, cos we does love pink slop) and it was yummy.  And after the humans finished we licked all the pink slop off the plates.

Them did score 28 out of 30.  Mummy and Daddy both give them 10 but Tom was harsh and only gived 8 (him only gave mummy 7).

You would think in the spirit of the game Daddy and Tom would have a go at cooking dinner but that not going to happen.  Anyway we does know what they would make, one of them would make pot noodles and one of them would make beans on toast.  So we does score them 1 each.

Anyway there was no prize cos we is a mean family like that.  But it was fun anyway.

We has had such a lovely day. By Bessie

Today we FINALLY got to go out for the picnic we been promised all week except it rained every day.  So  the weather forecast said it was going to be nice, even though it looked grey, so Mummy made a picnic and we drove to Penarth.  Half way there it started raining and it wasn't just a shower it was properly tipping it down so Mummy said to Daddy why don't we go to Maidenhead Aquatics instead and buy some fish food (what with someone opening the cupboard and eating 3 tubs of fish food - very tasty they were too) but she said too late and he was in the wrong lane so we carried on to Penarth and by the time we got there it had stopped raining and it was sunny and warm.

We went to Cosmeston Lakes.  We ate the picnic on the grass by the car.  We had a chikin wing and some snossijs and a bite of Bryn's fish finger sandwich what I sneaked when he wasn't looking.  The humans had fish finger sandwiches and spring rolls and cocktail snossijs and dried apples and figs (hippies).

Then we went for our walk.  Mummy took the hissy spray cos there was lots of other dogs about and Carly can be anti social sometimes.  We met a HUGE deerhound and a black staffy and 2 whippets and about eleventytwelve greyhounds and a husky and a golden retriever wearing a babys bib (don't ask, I didn't.  Them was polish I think) and 2 miniature dachshunds and a beagle and a choclit labrador and a schnoodle and a lurcher and 2 cocker spaniels (one was normal and one was in full Crufts hair - odd) and a teeny jack russell and erm I can't remember any more right now.  Anyway no bassets, we was the only ones.

Mummy didn't need to use the hissy spray once.  Carly was a very good girl and we was all very pleased with her.  Then Lotty found a dead maggoty rabbit and wanted to bring it on the walk and Tom tried to pull her away and she dropped it on his shoe and he squealed like a girl and we all did laugh except Mummy who shouted NO YOU'RE NOT BRINGING A MAGGOTY RABBIT ON THE WALK and 2 joggers nearly did fall into a hedge.

Then we walked through a boggy marsh and we did get all muddy all over and we went down by the lakes and watched this husky lose his green ball when he bitted through it and it sank.  Him was very sad and didn't want to get out the water.

Then Lotty jumped down a ditch and had to be pulled out.  Her wasn't hurt, her just embarrassed.

Then we had an argument with some swans.  Mummy made us come away though and we got in the car and we went to the beach.  We sat on the beach and me and Carly had a nap and Lotty and the mini humans paddled in the sea.  Then the humans played tricks on me.  First they played how many pebbles can we put on Bessie's back before she gets cross (42).  Then they did it to Carly and only managed 2.  Then they piled as much seaweed as they could find on top of me.  Them is stupid humans sometimes.

Then we went to a chippy and the humans had chips and coke and us doggies just had chips and we listened to these 2 ladies at the next table having a conversation very loudly.  One of them said men over 40 disgusted her and she liked men about 30.  Her was at least 55.  Good luck with that.

Then we came home and had tea and watched X Factor and Casualty.

Our exciting holiday. By Sam.

You know what I love about e-readers?  You can pretend to be reading anything you like.  If someone says to me "what you reading?  I bet your reading 50 shades"  I say "yup totally am, you know me".  The truth is I have 3 books on the go at the moment, none of them are porn (sorry to be a disappointment):  

• The Mill on the Floss by George Eliot.  It's taking ages cos it's quite boring but I refuse to give up.
• Am I boring my dog?  And 99 other things every dog wishes you knew.  By Edie Jarolim.  It's a sort of self help book for dog owners.
• An idiot abroad by Carl Pilkington.  It's funny.  He reminds me of too many people.

John and I have got the week off, I haven't got many days leave left and really should be saving some in case we move but we felt like we needed some time off so booked the week off.  Couldn't really go anywhere though.  Both sets of parents and my sister are all on holiday abroad and there's no point planning to camp.  So we thought we would have days out instead.  Monday we were going to go to the beach but it was raining so John went to work instead and I took Lotty to agility training and the kids to McDonalds.  

Yesterday we was supposed to be going to the seaside for a picnic (again).  But the weather forecast was bad so we left the dogs at home and went window shopping (not for windows, that would be stupid).  As it turns out, it didn't rain, it was a beautiful warm summers day.  Perfect for a picnic at the seaside.  When we got home we decided to ignore the weather forecast tomorrow and if the sun was shining when we woke up then we would go for our picnic anyway.  Back to that story later...

...In the meantime, window shopping.  Katie got upset after seeing a tramp foraging through a bin while a load of drunk studenty types looked on laughing.  One day she is going to save the world.  Well most of it anyway, her excessive use of hairspray is probably single handedly killing the polar bears but we won't discuss that.  (Spellcheck says that's not how you spell handedly but it looks right to me so it's staying).

We went for lunch at one of them food court places that serve everything you could ask for... nearly everything.  Johnny decided he wasn't hungry, he would get something later.  Katie and Bryn had a burger king.  I went to this so called fast food chippa type place and asked for chicken pie, mash and peas.  The girl gave me a tray with a number on it and said she'd bring it over.  So after searching for the rest of the family - they had moved tables 3 times.  the first was next to the window and too hot, the second smelt of sick and the third was too wobbly - I sat and I waited... and waited... and waited.  After 10 minutes I was contemplating going and asking for a refund cos I was getting to that point where I'd gone beyond hunger and that is not an acceptable wait for fast food if you ask me.  When my food arrived.  It  was OK.  It was edible.  And I still finished before Katie.  I don't know if that is a reflection on her or me.

After lunch we went to TK Maxx and I nearly bought a princess dressing up outfit for one of the dogs (I don't know which one, any).  The basset club fun day is in a few weeks and the theme for this years fancy dress contest is best of British.  I was thinking about dressing them as Queens of England and there was a perfect dress for Elizabeth I.  It was £10 though and if it didn't fit I could hardly take it back covered in dog hair.  Believe it or not fancy dress outfits for basset hounds are not an easy task.

Anyway Katie talked me out of the dress and we decided to buy the material and make our own outfits.  We were wandering round Primark when suddenly I had a flash of inspiration.  The Spice Girls!  3 dogs, me and Katie.  Perfect!    I got most of the stuff in the sale and the rest I can make or find stuff at home.  This is what we are going to wear (pictures to follow soon):

Scary (Bess):

Leopard print scarf to make dress (£3)

Ginger (Lotty):

Union Jack scarf or t-shirt to make dress and union jack deely boppers (50p for the deely boppers, haven't found the dress yet)

Sporty (Carly):

Terry towelling shorts (flourescent yellow), sun visor and sunglasses with an elastic strap to keep them on (these I found in a big basket of tat by the fitting rooms)   (£4 for the lot)

Baby (Katie - we haven't quite convinced her to join in yet.  If she backs out then we will be the Spice Girls after Geri left and Lotty can be baby instead):

Pigtails and a pink dress

Posh (me):  

Huge sunglasses and a black dress with a dozen socks shoved down the front

Some of you might think we are weird but we are having fun so bugger off.

We were just at the till paying for our strange collection of stuff when Johnny phoned and said the car park ticket runs out in 5 minutes.  Bearing in mind we had parked about 45 minutes walk from town, he may have left it a bit late to tell me this.  So we paid and rushed out of the shop.  John ran to the car and we walked back at a normalish pace.  When he got there he was about 10 minutes late and had a fixed penalty on the windscreen.  So did practically every other car in the car park.  They must hang around waiting, miserable gits.  It was 5.30 at night, have these people not got homes to go to?  Johnny was not a happy bunny (to say the very least).

Last night we had to watch Eastenders.  I hate Eastenders, I don't watch it.  Ever.  But Johnny was bored one day last week and made me watch it with him and now I have to choose which storyline I want to see through.  I think I'll go with the Who Killed Heather story.  As soon as that's sorted I'm off again.

So anyway this morning we woke up and the sun wasn't shining but it was dry.  So I went for a shower, thinking about what I was going to make for the picnic.  By the time I came out it was absolutely tipping it down.  So naffed off.  Stuck indoors.  On our week off, I may as well have gone to work.  So here we are sat looking out at the rain and wondering what to do to entertain ourselves.  Cup of tea anybody?

The Olympic summing up ceremony. By Bessie and Sam

So after saying we wasn't going to watch and moaning all the way through the opening ceremony, we did actually watch the coverage on BBC1 every night and we actually got quite into it.

Best bits for us were Charlotte Dujardin winning gold in the dressage and Tom Daley being very very happy with his bronze in the diving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scrcY5Yk9Cc

We thought the closing ceremony was great.  The first 10 minutes or so were a bit touch and go, it was starting to look a bit foolish when suddenly Madness came on, then the Pet Shop Boys and it turned out to be really quite splendid.  Jessie J wore a see through number that should have really been muffchecked first.   Annie Lennox and George Michael mimed to avoid them making fools of themselves and showing us up in front of the world.  Take That minus Robbie (always better).  Half of Oasis, he was bloody awful but he was Liam.  Muse were AMAZING as always, wish they'd all played a few more songs.

Was Eric Idle going to say shit?  Yes he did!  Ah well, it was in the song.  The Spice Girls were great.  Geri Halliwell remembered her boobs (she looks so much better with), Sporty nearly fell off the top of her taxi a couple of times, Victoria scowled.  

What else?  It all moved so fast, I'm sure I've forgotten loads.   Queen, Brian May's hair came on and performed a solo.  Fat Boy Slim.  Right here right now funk soul brother.   Elbow!  Oh how good are they?  Very, is the answer.

When they played the Brazilian national anthem we expected Rubens Barichello to come on and do a comedy fall.  That would have made it so much better.

Anyway all in all a very good night, they did us proud.  The whole olympics did us proud.  I feel very proud to be British this year.  So what if all the Eurovision countries hate us.  We have the best royal family in the world and we did a bloody brilliant olympic games and sod anyone who doesn't agree.

In other news, Lotty went to agility training this morning.  She's a natural.  The agility lady said she was a bit worried when we booked it cos she's never trained a basset before and she was a bit nervous about what was going to turn up.  But Lotty did really well (AMAZING even!) and is going again next week.

She had a go in the tunnel and cracked it instantly, then the jumps and within a few minutes was jumping 4.  Then she tried the slalom poles, they is only on the first setting at the moment so was dead easy.  And finally the dog walk beam thingy.  She was a bit scared at first but then with a gravy bone under her nose she did it
perfectly.  It is on the lowest height at the moment but she didn't fall off so she should be alright to go higher. We going to buy/make the equipment at home to practice with.

Homework was to work on Lotty's stay.  She is great at sit and can sit in whatever position you need, front back whatever and she does stay but if you step back more than about 5 steps she moves.

Then we took Tom to his friends in Newport and on the way home stopped at McDonalds for lunch.  The humans got a drive through so they didn't have to leave us in the car and they was sat in the car park eating when Mummy saw a HUGE rat run out of the hedge and sit right next to the car eating a box of chips someone had thrown on the floor.  NICE!

Blummin mosquitos. By Bessie

We been for 2 walks today.  We went out this morning with Mummy and Tom and then we went out this evening with Mummy and Daddy.  Mummy got bitten half to death by mosquitos.  Her says this the worst year her has ever known for mosquitos and flies.  They is bigger and meaner and billions more of them.

Mummy brought her hissy spray with her.  On the morning walk we only met one other dog and we was all off lead and the owner was relaxed and friendly so we was all polite and playing.   On the evening walk we seen lots of other dogs and them was all on leads and we did do a bit of grrring and Mummy did a bit of hissing.

On the way back we passed our minihumans playing on the park with their friends so Mummy shouted "Come on Katie it's time for bed" and she said "WHAT" and Daddy said "yeah I thought you wanted us to read more Noddy tonight".  And then we all went off up the hill laughing and Katie was shouting at us.  Mummy said that makes them equal for all the norty things Katie has done in the last month.

We had chikin wings, a banana and a dried fish treat for tea.

Tomorrow we is going to Penarth, we is going to have a picnic lunch at the lakes then we is going to go down the beach and have fish and chips for tea.  We is very excited.

ooh what a lovely baby. By Bessie

We has had a very good and fun day today.  Mummy is now off work for 11 days so for the first day of our holidays we did go to Tredegar Park and run a few errands on the way.
First we went to Tesco but doggies is not allowed in Tesco so Tom and Bryn and us waited outside and Mummy and Katie went in to buy some sandwiches.  Mummy was supposed to be making a picnic lunch but someone (i.e.  Lotty pulled the bag of bread rolls off the worktop and ate the lot).  There was some little farm animals in a little fency thing outside Tesco and the man came over and said we could go and see them if we liked cos they liked dogs.  So we did.  There was a black piggy, him was cute and me and Carly did do nose kisses with him.  There was a shetland pony and some sheeps and lambs and chikins and bunny rabbits.
Then Mummy and Katie came back with the picnic and we went to Boots to get some hairspray cos Katie said she NEEDS hairspray and she can't live without it.  So we waited on a bench with Tom and Bryn and there was a lady sat on the bench talking very loudly on her phone.  Then Bryn put his sunglasses on Lotty and the lady turned round and said to the person on the phone "Oh I've just seen a dog in raybans"
Then we went to Tredegar Park.  We did park down the lane behind so we didn't have to pay £3 for the car park and we went in and sat on the grass.  The humans ate their sandwiches and Bryn didn't want his doritos so he fed them to us and then we went for a walk and the humans tried to get us to do agility leaping over a big log.  But I was the only one who could do it.  Yay me!  Carly ran off to bother some people what was having a picnic and Mummy ran after her and the lady said "I think she ate a roll or something, I'm sorry" and Mummy was very cross with Carly for stealing someone's picnic (and spoiling her diet but her not tell the lady that, her just say she very sorry for her norty doggy's behaviour)
Then a weimaraner splashed me as I was peering into the stream.  Me did forgive him cos I is nice and I do like weimys.  And then we went back to the car cos Mummy needed to go to Pets at Home before tea.
In Pets at Home there was food spilled all over the floor so we did eat it up cos we is good at tidying like that.  I found one of them green waxy things shaped like a toothbrush so I ate it.  Mummy spent a million pounds.  her bought 2 bags frozen chicken, 3 antigulp bowls, 3 tennis balls, toothpaste, carpet cleaner, a spray that goes HISSSSSS if you is being norty and this little pad thing that picks fluff up.  Her was very pleased with her pad thing, her says it is very good.  And we did try collars on cos we like trying things on and there was a man and a lady in the collars aisle trying collars on a teeny tiny 4 month old yorkshire terrier and Mummy got all silly like she does around babies and was oochy coochying him.  Then Katie did sneak out the shop with me before the boy on the till tried to make me pay for my sweeties.  Mummy say no way would she have paid for something I found rolling round in the dirt on the floor.
Then we come home and Daddy was mowing the lawn and Mummy said he looked like Andy Pandy cos he had a stripy shirt on.  Then we had tea in our new bowls.  Them is very annoying cos it took AGES to eat us dinners.  And the humans had chikin kiev and loads of yucky vegetables and Mummy had a banana after and it was bad inside but her threw it in the bin instead of letting us eat it for her.

Choosing my sport. By Bessie

I is planning on winning a gold medal at the holympiks so I has been having a little go at every sport.  There is even some sports what I didn't know was holympik sports.  In fact some sports I didn't even know was sports.

I tried:

• Lifting heavy stuff.  Me did get mummy to lift it for me.  Apparently that is cheating.
• Kicking a girl in the head.  Me couldn't reach the girls head and kicked her in the ankle.
• Running fast.  Me is not fast.  Me is a basset.  A fat basset.  
• Playing volleyball while pretending to be at the seaside.  By the time I had put my 6 bikini tops on and my suncream, the game had finished.
• Synchronised drowning.  It is a known medical fact bassets are not built for swimming.
• Shooting a gun.  I was scared and ran off.
• Doing rolypolys with a hulahoop.  Me did like this sport.  This was my second favourite.
• Dancing with a horsey.  This was my favourite sport.  Me going to teach my horsey to hiphop and we is coming back tomorrow to win a gold medal.  If we don't win, we will switch to plan b and do rolypolys with a hulahoop.

Something in the water at Tesco. By Sam

These are the strange sights I saw whilst doing the weekly shop tonight:

A man throwing a multipack of crisps in the air higher and higher each time, dropping it, then looking around to make sure no-one saw.  I looked him right in the eye... and just in case he was in any doubt I nodded.

A girl throwing boxes of cereal from the shelf onto the floor behind her, then turning round and shouting at her dad for moving the trolley.

An old lady who was looking over my shoulder as I was writing this.  So I wrote nosy old bat in the biscuit aisle- as you can see.

Same old ladies husband taking a box of teabags off the shelf in the biscuit aisle and saying these are cheap.  And then when his wife pointed out that a) the shelf label was for custard creams and b) it was the only box of teabags in the entire aisle, he said "oh they must have put them on the wrong shelf then" in a very cross voice.

Lady (I use this term loosely) who thought there was nobody around so did a trump just before a family of 5 rounded the corner, then ran off fast so one of them got the blame.   *coughs* dirty mare I would never do that.

New leaf. By Sam

I had an epiphany this morning.  Well not really, that would involve some deep thought on my part.  More like I woke up, swore and realised I do that far too much.  So I decided for one week starting from today I am not going to swear or say anything mean to anyone.  It's going to be tough I know.  I tried giving up swearing once for lent.  The kids made me a swear jar and by Easter they took the money and split it 3 ways.  There was enough in there to buy a house in Salford... or at least a Gameboy game each (this was a long time ago).

And that was after I changed the rules every 5 minutes to suit myself.  Anything said in the car doesn't count, even if I'm not driving.  Anything said whilst cooking doesn't count.  Anything said whilst in pain doesn't count.  Which pretty much leaves sleeping and cleaning.  Unless I sleep talk cos no-one can help that.

Anyway anyway anyway back to now.  I have done pretty well so far.  I made it to work without swearing or insulting anyone, and a quick gallop round Tesco.  I just need to go a full day without speaking to any customers and I'll do fine.

Grrr.  Not a great start.  The phone rang, someone demanding we open an account for them.  "It'll take a week, we'll have to wait for trade references" I tell them.  "But we're the mighty blabla" they reply.  Oh great here we go.

Wish me luck everybody.  I'm going in.

Ongoing list of things sent to test me

Cornish Pasty I bought for my lunch.  Took 2 bites, both full of gristle.  Had to throw it in the bin.

Lotty managed to open one of the kitchen cupboards and eat a 6 pack of Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps.  She didn't even share one crisp.

Wish list for new house. By Sam

Ever expanding wish list of things we would like in our new house.  We do try very hard to keep it sensible and not put things on it that we can't afford.

Back door suitable for fitting dog flap.  It would be locked when there were no humans about but it would be nice for the dogs to be able to go in and out when we are home without having to leave the door open the whole time.  What with my fly phobia and all.

Somewhere to store a caravan, or access to the back garden for a caravan.  we don't have one but we would like one - one day and it would be nice to know we had space for it.

Garden big enough to build a Lego town in it.  I know this sounds stupid but it's something we decided we wanted to do the first time we went to Legoland about 9 years ago and if we buy the house we really like with the really long garden we could do this.  We wouldn't go out and buy all the Lego sets or even any more Lego, we have plenty enough in Bryn's room to do this already.  It would also solve the problem of what to do with all the Lego that Bryn has cos we don't want to get rid of it but we really do have far too much to keep in a bedroom.

A kitchen big enough to have a settee in it, not a massive one, just somewhere for the dogs to sit so their beds are not taking up the entire floor space and we're all constantly tripping over them all the time.

Kitchen cupboards big enough for me to put my George Foreman in and out without having to empty the entire contents of the cupboard and turn it at the exact right angle to make the bend into the only cupboard it fits in.  It makes panini making a real bugger of a chore.

A larder.  we had one in Bristol and I really miss it.

A room downstairs for the kids to use separate to the lounge.  If the kitchen is big enough to put a full size dining table in then the dining room would do for this room because it's not like we ever use the dining room except at Christmas or when we've got guests and we never have guests anymore cos I don't think people like the dogs as much as we do.

Lounge that doesn't look out over the street, or if it does look out over the street then the street must be quiet enough that it doesn't set Bessie off barking like a lunatic every few minutes.

No news is no news. By Bessie

This is stuff what happened recently.  It not necessarily very interesting.

Lotty went to the V E T on Saturday to have her stitches out.  Her was weighed and is down to 14.2 kilos.  It was a different V E T this time, Not Mr Ian or Miss Layla or Mrs Jean or Pony Feet.  Her took Lotty's stitches out and then said Mummy had to be careful not to let her get fat.  Then she said that fat bassets had a coffee table look and then she described me like I was ugly or something.  It's a good job I wasn't there or I would have emptied my anal glands on her crocs.   And Mummy said did she not think Lotty is underweight (she is btw - very) and the V E T said No she thought Lotty was a good shape.  And Mummy said she has lost half a kilo since last week and the V E T said that was nothing to worry about and her was fine.  Mummy think not, her worried about Lotty's weight.  Anyway the V E T did say if her loses any more weight Mummy should bring her back.

There was a man in the waiting room who's doggy had a tick and he wanted someone to take it off.  Him did come and stand right next to Mummy and Mummy was trying to edge Lotty away cos her not want no ticks. And then they saw a 8 week old bull terrier puppy.  They say him was very cute but Mummy was worried cos she thought he was going to fall off the chair and it was making her nervy.

Carly has started scratching again but she can't wear the cone cos Lotty still has it on.  So she is back to wearing T-shirts.  Last night she pulled her T-shirt off and in the morning Mummy said Ooh you is nakey whitty whoo and Carly did look at her with a gormless face and laugh.   We is all sad she's started scratching again, she had been really good for months and her skin was starting to look nice and she didn't smell so bad and Mummy put a few veggies in with her raw meat to try and suddenly she was all scratchy.  It was only potatoes and carrots and it was only for a few days.  She back on plain raw meat again so we got to wait for  her to stop scratching again.  We had almost forgotten how bad she was.

We got Your Dog Magazine yesterday.  Blue is in it this month, him is famous!  That my man that is.

We is stuck inside today, it raining so we can't play out and the people at the back are having a bonfire so we has to keep the windows shut so the smoke doesn't drift in.  It very stuffy.  We has all got a rawhide bone to keep us entertained though, Jefferson did buy them for us!  The minihumans has got another minihuman over to play so they are being loud and annoying like minihumans do when there's more than two of them in the same place.  Actually when there's more than none of them in the same place.

Mummy was going to go down the bank to pay a cheque in til the minihumans told her the bank is closed for refurbishment.  They don't know when it be open again though so Mummy got to keep hold of the cheque now til it opens again.

Oh no the minihumans are playing guitar.  They must be bored.

Why I could never work in Hollister. By Sam

Now I suppose you are thinking the reason I could never work in Hollister is because of their policy to only employ young beautiful people?  Well you are wrong.  This is why I could never work there:

1.  It smells too strong and gives me a headache.
2.  Eventually, i.e. by the end of the first day, I would have one of my eyes poked out by a fern.
3.  It's too dark and I can't see anything.
4.  I'm not wearing fake tan for anyone.
5.  I already have a perfectly good job.
6.  I bet the pay is really bad, they probably get paid in lip gloss and blouses, and that's just the boys.
7.  I'm over qualified.  I have a couple of GCSEs and a RSA in Typewriting that I got on a clickity clack ping typewriter in the olden days when CDs were big and black and a computer was as big as a house.
8.  AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.   I'm not wearing flip flops to work.  I don't even own a pair of flip flops and even if I did, I would wear them to hang the washing out, not to go to work.

But I did get a rather splendid white hoody in the sale today.  I have decided if I only ever wear white clothes then I won't notice the dog hairs all over me.

If you are not young and beautiful or if you don't want to work in Hollister for any of the reasons listed above then you can always shop there instead.  This is my advice on how to successfully shop in Hollister:

1.  Never go on a Saturday or in the 6 weeks either side of Christmas.  If you do you will have to queue to get in the shop.  NO shop is worth queuing to get in. Trust me.  Not even Poundland.
2.  Ditto above with regard to queuing to pay.

3.  Adopt an air of youth and beauty as you enter the shop and you will fit right in and don't forget to say hello to the pretty boy/girl at the entrance, I like to get it in before they do to confuse them.
4.  Learn sign language so you can talk to your children/partner over the stupidly rubbish and loud music.
5.  Don't try and push a pram round the shop.  The staff don't understand babies and will be scared, the baby will likely get it's eye poked out by a fern or choke on the perfume, it's too hot for a baby, it's too loud for a baby, it's too crowded for a baby and let's face it, if you have children you can't afford to spend £20 on a T-shirt for yourself and they don't sell children's clothes.  Maybe you should try Primark - even if the children's department is always up on the 3rd floor for some stupid reason.
6.  Head straight to the back of the shop.  This is where the sale items are situated.  Everything else is a waste of money.

7.  Say yes please you would like a bag.  If you are in Wales this will cost you 5p but it's worth it to fold the bag over and hold it under your head and pretend the firm torso in the photo belongs to you.  You might want to take a photo of yourself doing this, or maybe put your cat or dog in the bag (it's OK, it's paper) and wait for them to peek out, then post it on your facebook or pinterest to amuse your friends.

Prattling on about nothing. By Bessie

We has a house full of flies.  Me not know where they come from, we not normally have a fly problem.  Must be the strange weather.  This is just typical though cos we is trying to sell our house so it full of flies.  Yummy.

Mummy has a butter chicken in the slow cooker, it does smell yummy.  None of us houndies has had anything to eat today.  Lotty was sick 6 times this morning and me 3 times but Carly none.  Mummy is very puzzled cos we did all eat the same foodies yesterday.  Her think maybe it was the bacon.  Her did buy a cooked bacon joint from the deli counter in Tesco last night for the humans tea but when she carved it up she said UGH I not eating that.  And she gave some of it to us and some to Daddy and threw the rest in the bin but then her found tin foil on the garden this morning so she think Daddy wrapped the left overs in tin foil and maybe me and Lotty got them out the bin bag.  I saying nothing.

On the plus side the bedroom floor needed mopping, landing and stairs carpet needed shampooing and the bedding needed to go in the washing machine.  If it wasn't for us giving her jobs to do Mummy would just sit around doing nothing all day.

Her did go for a shower this morning after her mopped up all the sick and her standing there lathering herself up and shaving her fur off or whatever it is human ladies do in the shower when her comes running out all dripping wet and naked and shouts "What the hell happened?".  And we is all sat on the bed going "Eh?"  And the minihumans comes out of their rooms to see why Mummy running round the house wet and naked and it turns out it was only the minihumans next door jumping on their trampoline and Mummy heard them through the open window and thought someone was being murdered.  So her did dry herself and make the minihumans some beans on toast and put some washing in the machine and hoover the entire house and clean all the bathrooms and pick up all the poo off the garden and jet wash the decking and clean the kitchen... just in case someone wants to come and view the house.

Tomorrow Lotty has to go back to the V E T to have her staples removed.  Then... ooh I has to interrupt myself to tell you something funny... Mummy could hear some very loud very rubbish music outside so she looks out the window and there is some big grey car right outside our house and her is thinking cheeky bleeder, it's a good job we haven't got someone coming to view the house or they'll think it's a public bloody carpark (this is practically her catchphrase at the moment) and turn your music down weirdy man.  Then she realises it's Daddy sat outside in Daddy's big grey car.  SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS MUMMY.

On Sunday the Basset Hound Walkers are meeting up.  We have only been on 2 of their walks in the last year, things keep coming up.  We went to Kilve Beach in October and we went to Savernake Forest in May.  So Mummy would really like to go on this one.  But guess what... the weather forecast is really bad.  So we only going if the weather forecast looks OK on Sunday morning and if Lotty's staples are taken out tomorrow.  This supposed to be a nice walk though, its at Alfreds Tower in Wiltshire and there is a pub stop in the middle.

Mummy ordered something called a comfy cone from Amazon for Carly.  It better be good it was dead expensive.

That's enough waffling on, Daddys music has finished and him just come in.  Ta ra for now

PS Daddy said when we move to our new house he is going to build us a dog flap!  Hurray!