So we finally got our business account open but we still can't use our paypal cos they blocked our account cos we might be money laundering (with £2000? I'd go for a bit more than that. if I'm going to prison then best make it worth the stretch). Anyway we had to go through a series of security crap which has taken ages cos each step we have to wait for the information. Now we have one more thing to do, send bank statement so hopefully the account will be open in the next few days. Hope so cos Dufus needs a vet for his poorly toe.
Tom is going to Doncaster on Friday for the weekend for this assessment thingy. Mummy will drive him there and then her and Katie are going to meet with Aunty Gilly, Sadie and Fudge and then spend the night in a hotel before they bring Tom back home on Saturday. Then there's a walk on Sunday which we might go to in Stourhead. We liked it there last time, that was where the humans had hot chocolate and Lotty made friends with a baby sheep.
Daddy has built banisters on the stairs, they're not finished yet but they look good so far. Except we all laughed because they're covered in sticky tape. We keep saying, "If Bryn made stairs.." cos they remind us of when he was going through his making things out of cardboard and tape phase.
Apparently there's going to be some big changes around here. Well, they've already started. Mummy said our behaviour has become out of control and we need to be retrained, like puppies. How rude. So now we are forced to have at least two walks every day, no matter what the weather or if we want to just lie on the settee. And she has stuck to it too. We laughed when she said it cos we've heard it all before. Especially when she said she was going to take us for a walk before bed. We thought there is no way she will bother when it's cold and she's tired. But 10.30 last night, we is all lay on the settee snoozing and Daddy was watching Match of the Day and Mummy suddenly jumps up and goes and puts her coat on and drags us off for a walk. Actually it was fun walking in the dark. We didn't have to keep standing in the hedge while a car zoomed past like we do in the day and we saw a frog. Mummy gets so cross, it's always the idiots going to the golf club or the riding school who race through the village. Not the village people, they are the nice ones who slow down and wave. I bet she regrets making us walk so much now. We were walking past the golf club and Carly stuck her head through a fence and wiped it on this log. Unfortunately there was a giant fox poo on the log. So Carly had a baff when we got back. She still stinks though. That stuff is evil.
Also she said the barking while she is making dinner is very annoying. So this morning she was making our foodies and Tom came in to help and I started talking and she said that was cute, she likes the talking. But then I started talking loud and she said no, that's not cute anymore and her and Tom stopped putting food in the bowls and they just stood there like statues. So I stopped barking and they carried on. It took forever to make the foodies, it was very annoying and POINTLESS.
Tom is going to his friend Josh's house later. Katie said what time is he going cos we've got no food in the house. Mummy said she couldn't go and ask Josh for food. Katie said she didn't want to, she wants to go to Tesco but Mummy said she wasn't going til four. Katie said she would be dead by then. Mummy said she can't be that hungry cos there's loads of food in the house. We have cheese and bean pasties, quiche, falafels, left over lasagne, snossijs and a great big chikkin in the slow cooker. Apparently none of these are thngs that Katie would like to eat. We don't know what she actually would like to eat though. I don't think she does either.
Monday 24 February 2014
Monday 17 February 2014
Top million things I hate today. By Sam
I was going to compile my five things that wound me up today list but it went a bit beyond five. Is it me or is everybody really annoying today? So instead here is my list of things that annoyed me in town this morning:
1. HSBC bank who employ a part time business manager. Why? It's a bloody big branch.
2. Short people with umbrellas. Actually anyone with umbrellas. Double actually, just umbrellas. Put your hood up. I have nothing against short people really. I wouldn't dare.
3. People who stand in shop doorways smoking.
4. Ambulance chasers.
5. Monster. Saw a boy sat in the doctors wearing his school uniform, probably about Bryn's age, drinking the biggest can of monster ever. It was the size of a petrol can. Whatever is wrong with him, I don't think that's the cure. Although...it did lead to one of those inane conversations Tom and I frequently have. One of the 'what if' conversations. Tom thought that maybe the boy claimed he was too tired to go to school (like Katie had tried this morning) so his Mum had given him a giant can of energy drink and taken him to the doctors. We decided we would get one and go in to Katie's room at 7am tomorrow, crack it open and tell her to get up and drink it. Then five minutes later she would come running downstairs in her underwear shouting, "COME ON. LET'S DO THIS." Tom said maybe I had an exaggerated opinion about how energy drinks work. I reminded him it was a very big drink and she is a very small girl. Anyway, we laughed. I guess you had to be there. You usually do with these things.
6. People who want to have a conversation with someone they've seen (usually a conversation that ought to be private, about medical problems or money issues) but they start it the minute they see each other. So instead of waving, then closing the gap and standing next to each other to talk, they shout "Alright love?" And then proceed to discuss their piles or debt management from a distance of fifty yards and at a volume a town crier would think was too loud.
7. People who go out in really large groups. Why would an entire extended family all need to go to Asda together? If they all want to be part of the decision making regarding which brand of oven chips they are having for tea then why not all sit down and write a list together and then send the least smelly one to the shop. Alone.
8. People who wear inappropriate clothing for the time of year. It's not time to look at cracked heels, yellow toenails and varicose veins. I thought I had at least another three months to prepare myself (visually speaking obviously. I neither have nor would show them off if I did have any of those things)
9. People who don't own a bra and should do (that includes some men). You can buy one from Poundland now, there's no excuse.
10. People who push in from the back when they hear another till being opened. If I worked on a till I would refuse to serve those people. I would insist on waiting for the person who was next in the other queue to come over to my till.
11. People who slam their car into reverse and start their manoeuvre even though you were already reversing. One of these days I won't stop. I'll just let them hit me and see what they do about it. Mind you if it's anything like the old fella I saw in the Kingsway Centre last week they'll probably just drive off. Tom and I were coming down the ramp when this old guy, looked at least 85, started driving up the down ramp. So I stopped while he attempted to back up. It took him ages, he just couldn't steer the car backwards. Eventually he got himself into such a position where the side of his car had scraped right along the front of a parked car. I couldn't stop as there were no spots and he had caused a massive tailback. So I pulled up alongside and looked him straight in the eye, shaking my head and pointing at the damage. By this gesture I OBVIOUSLY meant, "Don't you dare drive off, I saw everything." So I drove round the floor looking for a place to stop but when I got back round the little bastard had driven off. What a shit. And you know what? I'm such a thicko I didn't write down his registration number. I could have kicked myself. Such a stupid thing to let happen.
12. People who let doors slam in your face. Pig ignorant.
13. People selling stuff in the street who get arsey with you when you say no thank you.
14. People who wear Ugg rip offs that don't fit. You're supposed to walk on the soles not the sides. Between them and crocs the next generation won't be able to walk properly. It's not bad enough that they can't spell anymore what with predictive text and auto correct.
15. People who indicate left then turn right. I'm not great at my left and right under pressure but I do know that if I want to turn that way then I indicate that way and if I want to turn the other way I indicate the other way.
1. HSBC bank who employ a part time business manager. Why? It's a bloody big branch.
2. Short people with umbrellas. Actually anyone with umbrellas. Double actually, just umbrellas. Put your hood up. I have nothing against short people really. I wouldn't dare.
3. People who stand in shop doorways smoking.
4. Ambulance chasers.
5. Monster. Saw a boy sat in the doctors wearing his school uniform, probably about Bryn's age, drinking the biggest can of monster ever. It was the size of a petrol can. Whatever is wrong with him, I don't think that's the cure. Although...it did lead to one of those inane conversations Tom and I frequently have. One of the 'what if' conversations. Tom thought that maybe the boy claimed he was too tired to go to school (like Katie had tried this morning) so his Mum had given him a giant can of energy drink and taken him to the doctors. We decided we would get one and go in to Katie's room at 7am tomorrow, crack it open and tell her to get up and drink it. Then five minutes later she would come running downstairs in her underwear shouting, "COME ON. LET'S DO THIS." Tom said maybe I had an exaggerated opinion about how energy drinks work. I reminded him it was a very big drink and she is a very small girl. Anyway, we laughed. I guess you had to be there. You usually do with these things.
6. People who want to have a conversation with someone they've seen (usually a conversation that ought to be private, about medical problems or money issues) but they start it the minute they see each other. So instead of waving, then closing the gap and standing next to each other to talk, they shout "Alright love?" And then proceed to discuss their piles or debt management from a distance of fifty yards and at a volume a town crier would think was too loud.
7. People who go out in really large groups. Why would an entire extended family all need to go to Asda together? If they all want to be part of the decision making regarding which brand of oven chips they are having for tea then why not all sit down and write a list together and then send the least smelly one to the shop. Alone.
8. People who wear inappropriate clothing for the time of year. It's not time to look at cracked heels, yellow toenails and varicose veins. I thought I had at least another three months to prepare myself (visually speaking obviously. I neither have nor would show them off if I did have any of those things)
9. People who don't own a bra and should do (that includes some men). You can buy one from Poundland now, there's no excuse.
10. People who push in from the back when they hear another till being opened. If I worked on a till I would refuse to serve those people. I would insist on waiting for the person who was next in the other queue to come over to my till.
11. People who slam their car into reverse and start their manoeuvre even though you were already reversing. One of these days I won't stop. I'll just let them hit me and see what they do about it. Mind you if it's anything like the old fella I saw in the Kingsway Centre last week they'll probably just drive off. Tom and I were coming down the ramp when this old guy, looked at least 85, started driving up the down ramp. So I stopped while he attempted to back up. It took him ages, he just couldn't steer the car backwards. Eventually he got himself into such a position where the side of his car had scraped right along the front of a parked car. I couldn't stop as there were no spots and he had caused a massive tailback. So I pulled up alongside and looked him straight in the eye, shaking my head and pointing at the damage. By this gesture I OBVIOUSLY meant, "Don't you dare drive off, I saw everything." So I drove round the floor looking for a place to stop but when I got back round the little bastard had driven off. What a shit. And you know what? I'm such a thicko I didn't write down his registration number. I could have kicked myself. Such a stupid thing to let happen.
12. People who let doors slam in your face. Pig ignorant.
13. People selling stuff in the street who get arsey with you when you say no thank you.
14. People who wear Ugg rip offs that don't fit. You're supposed to walk on the soles not the sides. Between them and crocs the next generation won't be able to walk properly. It's not bad enough that they can't spell anymore what with predictive text and auto correct.
15. People who indicate left then turn right. I'm not great at my left and right under pressure but I do know that if I want to turn that way then I indicate that way and if I want to turn the other way I indicate the other way.
Thursday 13 February 2014
I don't think you're cut out for veganism. By Bessie.
Mummy fancied trying veganism. This was on account of a video she watched about dairy cows that upset her. Anyway, Katie said almond milk was really tasty. So Mummy was thinking she would try it. Katie lied. It was not really tasty. It tasted like cardboard. Maybe it's an acquired taste. Katie loves it. She sent Daddy 97 texts the other day shouting at him cos he forgot to go to Tesco to buy some. He remembered the rice pudding though. Ho hum.
Mummy said she would also struggle if she couldn't have KFC and wishes KFC would start selling southern fried Quorn.
Mummy said she would also struggle if she couldn't have KFC and wishes KFC would start selling southern fried Quorn.
Wednesday 12 February 2014
blah blah blah, shut up Mummy. Nobody cares. By Bessie
On Sunday we went to a big country park in Swindon to meet our friends. There were 26 bassets and a beagle. It was raining and it even hailed some of the time but we had a good time anyway. Lotty stole a crust of bread off a small child. She says she had to do it because the child was feeding the swans. Lotty went to say hello to the swans and one of them tried to bite her on the nose so she had to steal his lunch. The small child's Daddy was cross and gave our Daddy a very dirty look even though the child was not hurt and Daddy did say he was very sorry.
We stopped for lunch and everybody went back to their cars to eat cos it was still raining but when we met back at the start point after lunch there were only 9 dogs on the walk. We had a good run and our bellies got so mucky that Mr Guy walked us through a river to clean off. Miss Louise and Mr Dave couldn't make this walk cos Miss Louis had her mummy visiting but Miss Sam and Mr Ryan came and Mr Wayne so we got to see some of our bestest friends. Lotty and Shirley are bestest friends, I think they like to get up to all kinds of mischief together.
On Monday Tom and Mummy went to pets at home to pick up Carly's antibionics for her bad toofy. There was some people in there booking their dog in to get his nails done cos he'd tried to eat the groomer next door, not our friend Kate, the blonde lady who has never done our feeties. Anyway the people was telling the receptionist all about how they had sold the dog (un-castrated dog I adds) but the person who bought him hadn't changed the number on the microchip and the dog had been found and returned to them. The receptionist asked if they didn't try and phone the people who bought the dog to see if they were looking for him. The man shrugged and said he didn't know who he had sold him to. Mummy turned to Tom and whispered, "And it's people like us left to pick up the pieces afterwards."
Mummy was a bit annoyed though that she had been stood at the desk for ten whole minutes waiting for someone to come out and see her (she had even sent Tom off to buy some stuff in the shop while she was waiting and he had been and come back before the receptionist came out). Then she comes out and Mummy and Tom are standing at the desk and the family with the dog are sitting down. But she opens the door, walks out, completely ignores Mummy and Tom and says "Oh hello, what can I do for you?" to the other people. Luckily the man said Mummy was next or she would have hit the roof.
Anyway they got the tablets and they went to Asda to buy Katie and Tom some new school shirts cos theirs have all gone grey cos Mummy keeps washing them with the blazers. They were walking past Marks and Spencer and Mummy is telling Tom some inane story about how she got a weird anonymous text and she was trying to work out who it was from. Tom kept saying it didn't matter, just delete it but Mummy was going, "Yeah but wouldn't you be even slightly intrigued?" Tom just said no he would delete it and move on. Then Mummy said, "Did you hear back about that job yet? You did apply didn't you?" And he said, "Yes Poirot, I had a text while you were going on and on about your text. You didn't even notice I wasn't listening." "Oh." Said Mummy. Then she shut up...for a minute. It was a nice minute though, according to Tom. Nice and peaceful, could have been longer. So Tom had a phone interview which he passed and now he has to go to Doncaster for an assessment weekend.
We stopped for lunch and everybody went back to their cars to eat cos it was still raining but when we met back at the start point after lunch there were only 9 dogs on the walk. We had a good run and our bellies got so mucky that Mr Guy walked us through a river to clean off. Miss Louise and Mr Dave couldn't make this walk cos Miss Louis had her mummy visiting but Miss Sam and Mr Ryan came and Mr Wayne so we got to see some of our bestest friends. Lotty and Shirley are bestest friends, I think they like to get up to all kinds of mischief together.
On Monday Tom and Mummy went to pets at home to pick up Carly's antibionics for her bad toofy. There was some people in there booking their dog in to get his nails done cos he'd tried to eat the groomer next door, not our friend Kate, the blonde lady who has never done our feeties. Anyway the people was telling the receptionist all about how they had sold the dog (un-castrated dog I adds) but the person who bought him hadn't changed the number on the microchip and the dog had been found and returned to them. The receptionist asked if they didn't try and phone the people who bought the dog to see if they were looking for him. The man shrugged and said he didn't know who he had sold him to. Mummy turned to Tom and whispered, "And it's people like us left to pick up the pieces afterwards."
Mummy was a bit annoyed though that she had been stood at the desk for ten whole minutes waiting for someone to come out and see her (she had even sent Tom off to buy some stuff in the shop while she was waiting and he had been and come back before the receptionist came out). Then she comes out and Mummy and Tom are standing at the desk and the family with the dog are sitting down. But she opens the door, walks out, completely ignores Mummy and Tom and says "Oh hello, what can I do for you?" to the other people. Luckily the man said Mummy was next or she would have hit the roof.
Anyway they got the tablets and they went to Asda to buy Katie and Tom some new school shirts cos theirs have all gone grey cos Mummy keeps washing them with the blazers. They were walking past Marks and Spencer and Mummy is telling Tom some inane story about how she got a weird anonymous text and she was trying to work out who it was from. Tom kept saying it didn't matter, just delete it but Mummy was going, "Yeah but wouldn't you be even slightly intrigued?" Tom just said no he would delete it and move on. Then Mummy said, "Did you hear back about that job yet? You did apply didn't you?" And he said, "Yes Poirot, I had a text while you were going on and on about your text. You didn't even notice I wasn't listening." "Oh." Said Mummy. Then she shut up...for a minute. It was a nice minute though, according to Tom. Nice and peaceful, could have been longer. So Tom had a phone interview which he passed and now he has to go to Doncaster for an assessment weekend.
Wednesday 5 February 2014
In which the humans go to another funeral. By Bessie
Mummy got a new car. It is a white car and the minihumans said there is lots of room in the back and we has more room too so we likes it lots. After them picked the car up Mummy, Daddy and Bryn went to Cardiff to look in the place with all the antique shops. Them had toasties in the cafe and a cup of tea and then they was looking round this shop. Mummy walked off round the corner and noticed there was signs on EVERYTHING in the shop. "Don't play the piano". "Don't touch the gramophone records." "Don't open the drawers." "Don't sit on the chairs." Then she heard a man shout, "EXCUSE ME. DON'T TOUCH THAT." So she comes running round the corner thinking Bryn must have done something but the shop owner was cross because a middle aged man had opened a drawer in a chest. Apparently you are only allowed to open the drawers if you are planning to buy something. (Silly arse that shop keeper was.) So my humans and the other humans walked off laughing and telling each other not to touch anything or breathe near anything or think any thoughts near anything.
Great Grandma's funeral was last Wednesday so after school on Tuesday Mummy and the minihumans drove up to Aunty Mic's after school. Great Grandma didn't want a funeral. She had never been to one in 94 years. She had written a will which her friend Winnie had signed. Luckily Winnie is not a solicitor so nobody had to do what Great Grandma asked for in her will. Which was to give her body to the lions at Knowsley Safari Park and to give all her money to the Daily Mirror cos they "haven't got 'a'penny." Nobody really wanted to do those things so instead they had a funeral that was as unfunerally as possible. All the ladies wore bright colours and the men wore checkered shirts and jeans cos Great Grandma had a thing for checkered shirts. The flowers were lovely bright colours and when the hearse arrived at Aunty Tracy's the driver was told not to go slow cos Great Grandma hated to go slow, she was a bit road ragey when she got stuck behind slow drivers. Unfortunately the funeral people took this a bit too far and lost the funeral procession at the first corner when they jumped an amber light. This didn't go down very well as you can imagine and the rest of the cars spent the rest of the journey to the crematorium trying to catch up. Mummy's cousin in car 5 overtook Grandad in car 3 on a roundabout.
The funeral was led by a humanist lady and she said nice things about Great Grandma. Grandma read a poem and Aunty Tracy read hers and Uncle Tim's eulogies. Uncle Tim and his family didn't come to the funeral cos when they came to visit from Americaland last summer Great Grandma made him promise not to come if anything happened. It was very sad, Great Grandma was very special to everyone who knowed her.
After the funeral the family went to the masonic hall and had some lunch and then they went back to Aunty Tracy's and wrote messages on balloons and released them for Great Grandma. Aunty Debbie said she hoped she didn't get home and find one of the balloons stuck in the tree outside her house cos she would be scared Great Grandma was watching her.
The next day Aunty Tracy and Sapphire got one the balloon that they hadn't released cos it had gone down slightly and they wrote "I've got my eye on you" on it and they went to the office in town where Aunty Debbie works and tied the balloon to the windscreen wiper of her car. Later that night her did send Aunty Tracy a text telling her she been trying to think of a comeback all night but her gived up. It was funny anyway. I know it sound disrespectful but Great Grandma would laugh at that, her was naughty and liked to play tricks on people.
All the daughters and grandaughters got an angel whisperer. It is a little colourful bead that tinkles and it's in a little pretty cage that you hang on a necklace. Mummy got a purple one. She wear it everyday so her know Great Grandma is watching over her.
On Thursday Grandma and Mummy went to Tesco and the minihumans played on the wii with Grandad. Aunty Mic and Uncle Rob and Ben came over for tea and afterwards Mummy whooped everyone's asses at Trivial Pursuit. And she was playing on her own and everyone else was in teams. Well Katie was supposed to be on Mummys team but she was too busy on twitter. Mummy said she going to get her own Trivial Pursuit. She likes Trivial Pursuit.
On Friday Mummy and Grandma went into town to do some shopping and meet Aunty Tracy for coffee. Then they went to Primark and bought some rubbish in the sale. Katie went to meet her friend Georgina at Subway and Grandad and the boys went to McDonalds. After Katie came back from meeting Georgina it was time for my humans to come home.
We was very happy to see everybody. Daddy looked after us good and taked us for a walk every day but we missed our Mummy and minihumans lots.
On Saturday Mummy, Daddy and Katie went to look at kitchens in Magnet and B&Q and then they went to Tesco to buy picnic food for Sunday. Then Mummy made a picnic for her and Daddy cos everybody else said they didn't want to go out with them for the walk on Sunday.
On Sunday we got up early and us houndies, Mummy and Daddy got in Mummy's new car and we went to Burnham on Sea. This is by the seaside in case you didn't guess. We met our friends and we went for a walk along the beach. This is the first time we ever went on a proper sand beach. We been on Exmouth beach once but it was full of glass and rubbish and we went on Barry beach once but it was full of poo and chavs. The other beaches we go on are pebble beaches. But this beach was miles and miles of lovely soft sand. We ran and ran and we had a great time, there were 25 bassets and 4 not bassets. Baby Melody had cuddles with everyone at the start but then her mummy Linda took her home cos her too little for a big walk. Big walks is bad for basset bones until they is a year old. Mummy wouldn't stop kissing baby Melody, it was a bit embarrassing.
On the way back to the car, about half a mile near the end Lotty ran in mud. She was so dirty she had to have a baff when she got home. Me and Carly were clean, we didn't need baffs.
It was Daddy's birthday on Sunday. He didn't want to open his presents until we got back from our day out cos it would mean waking all the minihumans up. So when we got back he opened his presents and cards and then the humans went out to an Indian restaurant for dinner. Daddy had lamb tikka masala, Mummy had chikkin biryani, Bryn and Tom had chikkin tikka tandoori and Katie had chips and korma sauce.
Lotty was running along the beach when she fell in a hole. It was a really deep hole covered with water and she fell right in all the way to her neck and lucky she scrambled out. Daddy stuck his welly in the hole and it went down really far. Mind you that night we saw on the news about a car that fell down a hole so Lotty was lucky really that she only nearly lost her tail.
On Monday night Daddy came home from work and told Mummy that a truck had driven over the manhole cover where the water meter (works water meter, not home) is. It's on the pavement by the car park. The truck had crushed the pipe and water had been pouring into the meter hole but cos it has been raining for so long nobody had even noticed the leak until that day when the people in the unit next door had reported a leak to the water board. Anyway the water board had to turn the supply off cos the meter was spinning, there was so much water pouring in. Nobody has any idea how big the water bill is going to be, it will probably be thousands. The water people said it has to be mended but they won't do it or pay for it. So work has no water, no toilet facilities and no heat cos there isn't enough water to start the system. Daddy told Mummy to wrap up warm on Tuesday.
So Tuesday Mummy wears her thermals and her jeans and 3 jumpers, a coat and a scarf. It is very cold in work and she tries not to eat or drink too much so she doesn't need to go to the toilet but unfortunately the only way to keep warm is to drink and eat hot things.
There was an accident on the motorway so, as usual, all the traffic is diverted through the town centre. After work Mummy managed to make it as far as school but the traffic was backed up between school and home so she had to go back the other way and use the steelworks road. Luckily not many people know this road exists so there was no traffic that way. The bad thing is she has to go under a really low railway bridge to get here and it is scary. Then us houndies had to go to the V E T so they had to go out again. Mummy went back the same way, under the railway bridge and through the steelworks and then got stuck in the traffic going out the other side of town. But they managed to get to the V E T on time. It was busy in the V E T and we talked to lots of other dogs. Lotty had her kennel cough booster and I had all my boosters, Carly's aren't due til March. Because Lotty didn't have her kennel cough up to date we couldn't go into kennels cos they say it has to be done two weeks before and we didn't have time. So that's why Daddy had to stay home and look after us and not go to Great Grandma's funeral. Mummy hadn't bothered getting it done cos it is expensive and she hadn't planned on putting us into kennels any time soon. We weren't expecting an emergency. So anyway we are prepared now just in case, and the V E T are doing a promotion, this month kennel cough is £10.
Carly had to go and see the V E T cos she has a sore teefy. The V E T looked at it and said it needs to come out so she is booked in for next Friday.
When we came out the V E T we went to see Kate, the groomer next door. We like Kate, she thinks we are pretty and she strokes our ears and gives us a party bag every time. We don't even mind her cutting our toebones. Mummy still isn't allowed though.
Great Grandma's funeral was last Wednesday so after school on Tuesday Mummy and the minihumans drove up to Aunty Mic's after school. Great Grandma didn't want a funeral. She had never been to one in 94 years. She had written a will which her friend Winnie had signed. Luckily Winnie is not a solicitor so nobody had to do what Great Grandma asked for in her will. Which was to give her body to the lions at Knowsley Safari Park and to give all her money to the Daily Mirror cos they "haven't got 'a'penny." Nobody really wanted to do those things so instead they had a funeral that was as unfunerally as possible. All the ladies wore bright colours and the men wore checkered shirts and jeans cos Great Grandma had a thing for checkered shirts. The flowers were lovely bright colours and when the hearse arrived at Aunty Tracy's the driver was told not to go slow cos Great Grandma hated to go slow, she was a bit road ragey when she got stuck behind slow drivers. Unfortunately the funeral people took this a bit too far and lost the funeral procession at the first corner when they jumped an amber light. This didn't go down very well as you can imagine and the rest of the cars spent the rest of the journey to the crematorium trying to catch up. Mummy's cousin in car 5 overtook Grandad in car 3 on a roundabout.
The funeral was led by a humanist lady and she said nice things about Great Grandma. Grandma read a poem and Aunty Tracy read hers and Uncle Tim's eulogies. Uncle Tim and his family didn't come to the funeral cos when they came to visit from Americaland last summer Great Grandma made him promise not to come if anything happened. It was very sad, Great Grandma was very special to everyone who knowed her.
After the funeral the family went to the masonic hall and had some lunch and then they went back to Aunty Tracy's and wrote messages on balloons and released them for Great Grandma. Aunty Debbie said she hoped she didn't get home and find one of the balloons stuck in the tree outside her house cos she would be scared Great Grandma was watching her.
The next day Aunty Tracy and Sapphire got one the balloon that they hadn't released cos it had gone down slightly and they wrote "I've got my eye on you" on it and they went to the office in town where Aunty Debbie works and tied the balloon to the windscreen wiper of her car. Later that night her did send Aunty Tracy a text telling her she been trying to think of a comeback all night but her gived up. It was funny anyway. I know it sound disrespectful but Great Grandma would laugh at that, her was naughty and liked to play tricks on people.
All the daughters and grandaughters got an angel whisperer. It is a little colourful bead that tinkles and it's in a little pretty cage that you hang on a necklace. Mummy got a purple one. She wear it everyday so her know Great Grandma is watching over her.
On Thursday Grandma and Mummy went to Tesco and the minihumans played on the wii with Grandad. Aunty Mic and Uncle Rob and Ben came over for tea and afterwards Mummy whooped everyone's asses at Trivial Pursuit. And she was playing on her own and everyone else was in teams. Well Katie was supposed to be on Mummys team but she was too busy on twitter. Mummy said she going to get her own Trivial Pursuit. She likes Trivial Pursuit.
On Friday Mummy and Grandma went into town to do some shopping and meet Aunty Tracy for coffee. Then they went to Primark and bought some rubbish in the sale. Katie went to meet her friend Georgina at Subway and Grandad and the boys went to McDonalds. After Katie came back from meeting Georgina it was time for my humans to come home.
We was very happy to see everybody. Daddy looked after us good and taked us for a walk every day but we missed our Mummy and minihumans lots.
On Saturday Mummy, Daddy and Katie went to look at kitchens in Magnet and B&Q and then they went to Tesco to buy picnic food for Sunday. Then Mummy made a picnic for her and Daddy cos everybody else said they didn't want to go out with them for the walk on Sunday.
On Sunday we got up early and us houndies, Mummy and Daddy got in Mummy's new car and we went to Burnham on Sea. This is by the seaside in case you didn't guess. We met our friends and we went for a walk along the beach. This is the first time we ever went on a proper sand beach. We been on Exmouth beach once but it was full of glass and rubbish and we went on Barry beach once but it was full of poo and chavs. The other beaches we go on are pebble beaches. But this beach was miles and miles of lovely soft sand. We ran and ran and we had a great time, there were 25 bassets and 4 not bassets. Baby Melody had cuddles with everyone at the start but then her mummy Linda took her home cos her too little for a big walk. Big walks is bad for basset bones until they is a year old. Mummy wouldn't stop kissing baby Melody, it was a bit embarrassing.
On the way back to the car, about half a mile near the end Lotty ran in mud. She was so dirty she had to have a baff when she got home. Me and Carly were clean, we didn't need baffs.
It was Daddy's birthday on Sunday. He didn't want to open his presents until we got back from our day out cos it would mean waking all the minihumans up. So when we got back he opened his presents and cards and then the humans went out to an Indian restaurant for dinner. Daddy had lamb tikka masala, Mummy had chikkin biryani, Bryn and Tom had chikkin tikka tandoori and Katie had chips and korma sauce.
Lotty was running along the beach when she fell in a hole. It was a really deep hole covered with water and she fell right in all the way to her neck and lucky she scrambled out. Daddy stuck his welly in the hole and it went down really far. Mind you that night we saw on the news about a car that fell down a hole so Lotty was lucky really that she only nearly lost her tail.
On Monday night Daddy came home from work and told Mummy that a truck had driven over the manhole cover where the water meter (works water meter, not home) is. It's on the pavement by the car park. The truck had crushed the pipe and water had been pouring into the meter hole but cos it has been raining for so long nobody had even noticed the leak until that day when the people in the unit next door had reported a leak to the water board. Anyway the water board had to turn the supply off cos the meter was spinning, there was so much water pouring in. Nobody has any idea how big the water bill is going to be, it will probably be thousands. The water people said it has to be mended but they won't do it or pay for it. So work has no water, no toilet facilities and no heat cos there isn't enough water to start the system. Daddy told Mummy to wrap up warm on Tuesday.
So Tuesday Mummy wears her thermals and her jeans and 3 jumpers, a coat and a scarf. It is very cold in work and she tries not to eat or drink too much so she doesn't need to go to the toilet but unfortunately the only way to keep warm is to drink and eat hot things.
There was an accident on the motorway so, as usual, all the traffic is diverted through the town centre. After work Mummy managed to make it as far as school but the traffic was backed up between school and home so she had to go back the other way and use the steelworks road. Luckily not many people know this road exists so there was no traffic that way. The bad thing is she has to go under a really low railway bridge to get here and it is scary. Then us houndies had to go to the V E T so they had to go out again. Mummy went back the same way, under the railway bridge and through the steelworks and then got stuck in the traffic going out the other side of town. But they managed to get to the V E T on time. It was busy in the V E T and we talked to lots of other dogs. Lotty had her kennel cough booster and I had all my boosters, Carly's aren't due til March. Because Lotty didn't have her kennel cough up to date we couldn't go into kennels cos they say it has to be done two weeks before and we didn't have time. So that's why Daddy had to stay home and look after us and not go to Great Grandma's funeral. Mummy hadn't bothered getting it done cos it is expensive and she hadn't planned on putting us into kennels any time soon. We weren't expecting an emergency. So anyway we are prepared now just in case, and the V E T are doing a promotion, this month kennel cough is £10.
Carly had to go and see the V E T cos she has a sore teefy. The V E T looked at it and said it needs to come out so she is booked in for next Friday.
When we came out the V E T we went to see Kate, the groomer next door. We like Kate, she thinks we are pretty and she strokes our ears and gives us a party bag every time. We don't even mind her cutting our toebones. Mummy still isn't allowed though.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)