Yesterday was the first day of the minihumans summer holidays and the day after Katie's birthday so Mummy said she could choose what they do. So she said she wanted to go into Cardiff to spend her birthday money. Mummy say first she has to go down the village to put the cheque Katie got off Aunty Jackie and Uncle Sid in the bank. Me did try and tell Mummy there is no need for her to do that cos she can go to the bank in town but as usual she don't take no notice off me. Anyway Mummy says her has a few jobs to do round the house first, then she take us for a walk down the village and then they can go into town.
First she wants to strip Moss's tank down and move him in with his cousins Jedediah, Rod and Freddy. Moss is Tom's pleccypotomus, him has outgrown his tank and cos him too big for it the filter can't keep up with the amount of poops he does. The tank stinks bad all the time. So Mummy say even though in theory you shouldn't really keep 2 plecs in the same tank she think it be alright cos they is both about the same size, they is different types of plec and if she puts enough wood in there then they can make themselves a bedroom each. So she puts Moss in with Jed and then she puts Moss's tank in the garden to sort out later (well it the next day now and she still not got round to doing it). Even though Moss brought all his own bits of wood he still wants to sit on Jed's. Jed looks cross but him not say nothing, he just goes and sits on Moss's wood.
Then Mummy put some washing in the machine and do some hoovering and then we all puts our collars and leads on and we is just on our way out the door when there is a huge clap of thunder and the sky goes black. Mummy says we wait a minute to see if it rains. Well, within 10 minutes it raining so hard it looks like there is a river running down our street. So we say we will go for a walk later and we tells the humans to go and do their shopping.
When they gets to Cardiff it has stopped raining and it is sunny so them goes on the park and ride into town and poor Tom and Bryn ends up sat behind this woman who has decided to tell the elderly couple on the other side of the aisle her complete life story. Including some far fetched story involving her pet dash-hound. Quite frankly I do not believe that anybody would have a dog that they didn't even know the correct name of. I think her just made that bit up.
Mummy spent the whole journey texting Tom telling him how she was lonely and she wanted to tell a stranger all her secret thoughts but Tom was ignoring her. He say afterwards his battery was dead but we know he was ignoring her because him not want the lady to know they was talking about her.
When them gets to town Mummy finally remembers that she can go to the bank here so she does but it one of them stoopid banks with no staff, just thousands of machines. So Mummy finds the machine for paying in cheques and then she fights with the machine for a bit. And then after the machine spits the cheque out for the third time (First time she put it in upside down, second time she put the paying in slip upside down, third time she didn't put her card in fast enough) then she screams at the top of her voice (which is a very loud place) "ALL I WANT IS A HUMAN TO SIT BEHIND A DESK AND DO THEIR JOB. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?" At which point Tom puts the cheque in the machine for her and gently steeres her out of the robot bank.
Katie wanted to buy these partiklar shoes but only Treds stock them and they didn't have the size or colour she wanted (that's cos Treds is rubbish and them never have nothing you want). Then Mummy looked on Mr Google for stockists of these shoes in Cardiff and it gave the name and address of this shop down by the stadium, so they walks all the way down there to number 8 like it said. Number 7 is a comic shop, number 9 is a camping shop. Number 8 is boarded up. Katie say never mind them probably wouldn't have had what she wanted anyway, she say she will get them off the internet instead. So they have some lunch in Burger King and then they looks in some other shops and then Katie buys some socks and they all gets a drink and some sweeties from Poundland and then they come home.
This time last year I went to Jefferson's house for tea. Me just remembered that. That was a good day, I wasn't supposed to be going cos Mummy was delivering Missy and Bertie to Mr John but then right at the last minute she said I could go so I surprised Jefferson with my lovely self.
Mummy says she wants to get me a buggy cos me struggles walking sometimes and she say it be a nuisance for the others cos they wants to go on a nice walk and I is doing flat basset. Miss Deborah showed Mummy a nice buggy and Mummy found one just like it on Amazon. But then Tom (and I thought him loved me lots) he said no way was Mummy getting one and he would be too ashamed to push it and Mummy would look crazy. Mummy ask Tom if he knows her at all. She ask him since when did she care what people think? She go out of her way to look like a crazy and she will get me this buggy whether he likes it or not. Anyway while we was out on our walk this afternoon I does my flat basset thing at the edge of the castle and Tom say this is the point when Bessie has had enough. Mummy say that why she getting a buggy and Tom sighs and says no again. Mummy ask him maybe if she waits til we move house and him say that's even worse cos he hardly cares what people round here thinks but he don't want the new neighbours to think we is mad. Mummy say it alright, people will just think she has a very big hairy baby. Tom not think that much better than a dog in a pram.
Tuesday 30 July 2013
Sunday 28 July 2013
Macrame? Really? By Bessie
Today it is Katie's birthday. She is 14. The other humans all got up nice and early cos they thought they could go out for the day. But Katie stayed in bed. Mummy had to force her to get up at 11am and open her presents. She gotted a new mobile phone off us (her family I mean, not just us houndies, we doesn't even have jobs) and she gotted a hamper of stuff - she did ask if she could have this last week so Mummy went to Mr Tesco and picked some nice things for her. She got her a nice basket what she can put on her shelf to keep things in and some trainer socks, mascara, loads of hair and face creams and lotions and stuff and some sweeties and a can of non alcoholic strawberry daquiri so she can have a growed up drink without being irresponsible. And hmmm what else? Me can't remember...anyway she liked her hamper and her phone. She got a lovely bag off Grandma and Grandad what she loved and money off everybody else so she can buy lots of nice things.
So they went to the mall, they was going to go into town but it was raining. We said we would stay home and guard the house. Them had lunch at Soho coffee instead of the pasty shop cos them was feeling posh. Then them went in John Lewis and pretended to sleep in all the beds and see if they could fit an entire human in the freezers (only one was big enough for Daddy's body so Mummy say that's the one they'll have to get). Then they had to leave cos Mummy accidentally shouted how much cheaper you could buy everything in Ikea and one of the shop ladies give her a hard stare.
Then them went in HMV and Daddy tried a One Direction t-shirt on but it was too tight (on account of it being a little girls size) and Mummy was cross cos she wanted to buy Maximo Parks latest album but they didn't have any of their albums. This, apparently, is the reason why they is doing so badly.
Then they went in Marks and Spencer and Katie rolled about on one of the settees hugging a cat cushion until the others had to drag her out. So they went in Next and Mummy bought a big picture of a basset for over the fire in the new house.
Katie didn't find any clothes she wanted to buy so she was sad. Now they have come home but they say they is going to Pizza Hut for tea in a bit.
Oh and Mummy wanted to buy a macrame hanging basket to put her fly eating plant in but we think she might be 30 years too late.
So they went to the mall, they was going to go into town but it was raining. We said we would stay home and guard the house. Them had lunch at Soho coffee instead of the pasty shop cos them was feeling posh. Then them went in John Lewis and pretended to sleep in all the beds and see if they could fit an entire human in the freezers (only one was big enough for Daddy's body so Mummy say that's the one they'll have to get). Then they had to leave cos Mummy accidentally shouted how much cheaper you could buy everything in Ikea and one of the shop ladies give her a hard stare.
Then them went in HMV and Daddy tried a One Direction t-shirt on but it was too tight (on account of it being a little girls size) and Mummy was cross cos she wanted to buy Maximo Parks latest album but they didn't have any of their albums. This, apparently, is the reason why they is doing so badly.
Then they went in Marks and Spencer and Katie rolled about on one of the settees hugging a cat cushion until the others had to drag her out. So they went in Next and Mummy bought a big picture of a basset for over the fire in the new house.
Katie didn't find any clothes she wanted to buy so she was sad. Now they have come home but they say they is going to Pizza Hut for tea in a bit.
Oh and Mummy wanted to buy a macrame hanging basket to put her fly eating plant in but we think she might be 30 years too late.
Saturday 27 July 2013
How we did with the flies. By Bessie
So we have been literally infested with flies this summer, mainly house flies but also blue bottles, mosquitos and moths. We've never had it so bad, typical as this is the one time the house needed to look really good. So we asked for advice and we looked on the internet. We have tried a couple of things so we thought you might like to know how we got on with them:
1. Swatter. The minihuman boys are a better aim than Mummy that's for sure, she even hits flies like a girl. The manage to get about 5 in a swatting sitting, Mummy gets one if she's lucky.
2. Candles. We thought maybe the flies wouldn't like the heat or the smell. But I think that probably only applies to lavender or citronella cos when we lit every single candle in the house (that's at least 14 candles on the go at once) they were still flying round everywhere. And then a gust of wind caught the candles in the dining room and all four of them just blew down to half their height instantly and there was wax EVERYWHERE. It was all down the candelabra, all over the tablecloth and the chairs. What a mess.
So we went down the garden centre today to get lavender or citronella but all the citronella said they were for outdoor use only and they didn't have any lavender. There was a lemon lavender but it smelt more lemony than lavendery. On the subject of lavender maybe we will cut some sprigs off the bush in the garden and tie them to the light fittings to see if that works. Although I'm sure Aunty Sally tried that a few years ago with little success.
3. Washing up liquid. Apparently if you put an inch of washing up liquid and an inch of water in a jar it will attract the flies. It has to be the fruity smelling stuff though, they don't like the floral. So we left apple scented in a jar overnight and it didn't attract a single fly.
4. Vinegar. We were told cider vinegar is best but we haven't got any so we put a mixture of balsamic vinegar and malt vinegar in a jar and left it overnight. When we came downstairs the flies were dipping their ciabatta in the balsamic and discussing their last holiday in Provence. Needless to say none of them were dead.
5. Fly paper. We bought a pack of 4 from the garden centre for £1.79. It's probably cheaper in the supermarket or at the pound shop but we were in the garden centre at the time. We hung one up from the light fitting in the dining room and within an hour there was one dead housefly attached to it. No more so far but it's a start.
6. Carnivorous plant. We bought a pitcher plant. It's a Nepenthes Ventrata. We hung it up in the doorway of the dining room, for no reason other than because we couldn't think of anywhere else indoors to support a hanging basket so it's on the curtain rail. Anyway I don't know if it's working or if just having something in the doorway is distracting them or if they are scared looking at the dead fly on the fly paper but there's not a single (live) fly in the house right now. It's just started raining for the first time in three weeks so you'd think they would all have come in.
In conclusion the fly paper works, the pitcher plant seems to be working but we don't know if they'll all come in a different way if we open a window in another room. I'll let you know....
In other news the humans went to the garden centre, like I said. Apparently dogs aren't allowed in but the minihumans told me they say two westies in there. Mummy says yes but two little westies is not the same as three big noisy bassets. They looked round and chose some plants for the new house. Unfortunately everything was on sale today but when we move it won't be. In fact you probably won't be able to find half the plants they want like blackberry bush and rhubarb. As well as these they chose a jasmine for the front porch and some miniature roses and hostas for the bed by the gate. Then they went round to the pet shop and Daddy changed his mind...again...about the chickens. I think (today) the agreement is that we can have them so long as Mummy buys them, buys their house and run and all their foodies forever and agrees to clean them out every week. She says OK she will do that. Tom picked a chicken with fluffy feet. Mummy said she wanted to call it Funny Feet but Tom said that was a silly name so she said "OK Julie" and for some strange reason he said, "OK Julie the chicken it is." Mummy picked a spotty chicken, she said she will call her chicken Spot. Daddy was making rude comments to the chickens about fattening them up for Christmas so the others had to pull him away cos the chickens were getting offended.
Then they went in the shop and on the way they passed some red slider turtles swimming about in the outside pond. Mummy looked at Daddy and opened her mouth and Daddy just said "Absolutely not" and walked into the shop. They want to buy a new filter for the pond cos they are leaving the one we have here, well it has been there six years. And they want to make the pond at the new house much bigger so they decided they need a massive filter. Mummy stupidly suggested that you could make one yourself for much less than they are to buy, with a big plastic box and lots of filter media in compartments. "There's a project for you," said Daddy. Mummy said she would try but she bit worried she might not be able to do such a complicated job.
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1. Swatter. The minihuman boys are a better aim than Mummy that's for sure, she even hits flies like a girl. The manage to get about 5 in a swatting sitting, Mummy gets one if she's lucky.
2. Candles. We thought maybe the flies wouldn't like the heat or the smell. But I think that probably only applies to lavender or citronella cos when we lit every single candle in the house (that's at least 14 candles on the go at once) they were still flying round everywhere. And then a gust of wind caught the candles in the dining room and all four of them just blew down to half their height instantly and there was wax EVERYWHERE. It was all down the candelabra, all over the tablecloth and the chairs. What a mess.
So we went down the garden centre today to get lavender or citronella but all the citronella said they were for outdoor use only and they didn't have any lavender. There was a lemon lavender but it smelt more lemony than lavendery. On the subject of lavender maybe we will cut some sprigs off the bush in the garden and tie them to the light fittings to see if that works. Although I'm sure Aunty Sally tried that a few years ago with little success.
3. Washing up liquid. Apparently if you put an inch of washing up liquid and an inch of water in a jar it will attract the flies. It has to be the fruity smelling stuff though, they don't like the floral. So we left apple scented in a jar overnight and it didn't attract a single fly.
4. Vinegar. We were told cider vinegar is best but we haven't got any so we put a mixture of balsamic vinegar and malt vinegar in a jar and left it overnight. When we came downstairs the flies were dipping their ciabatta in the balsamic and discussing their last holiday in Provence. Needless to say none of them were dead.
5. Fly paper. We bought a pack of 4 from the garden centre for £1.79. It's probably cheaper in the supermarket or at the pound shop but we were in the garden centre at the time. We hung one up from the light fitting in the dining room and within an hour there was one dead housefly attached to it. No more so far but it's a start.
6. Carnivorous plant. We bought a pitcher plant. It's a Nepenthes Ventrata. We hung it up in the doorway of the dining room, for no reason other than because we couldn't think of anywhere else indoors to support a hanging basket so it's on the curtain rail. Anyway I don't know if it's working or if just having something in the doorway is distracting them or if they are scared looking at the dead fly on the fly paper but there's not a single (live) fly in the house right now. It's just started raining for the first time in three weeks so you'd think they would all have come in.
In conclusion the fly paper works, the pitcher plant seems to be working but we don't know if they'll all come in a different way if we open a window in another room. I'll let you know....
In other news the humans went to the garden centre, like I said. Apparently dogs aren't allowed in but the minihumans told me they say two westies in there. Mummy says yes but two little westies is not the same as three big noisy bassets. They looked round and chose some plants for the new house. Unfortunately everything was on sale today but when we move it won't be. In fact you probably won't be able to find half the plants they want like blackberry bush and rhubarb. As well as these they chose a jasmine for the front porch and some miniature roses and hostas for the bed by the gate. Then they went round to the pet shop and Daddy changed his mind...again...about the chickens. I think (today) the agreement is that we can have them so long as Mummy buys them, buys their house and run and all their foodies forever and agrees to clean them out every week. She says OK she will do that. Tom picked a chicken with fluffy feet. Mummy said she wanted to call it Funny Feet but Tom said that was a silly name so she said "OK Julie" and for some strange reason he said, "OK Julie the chicken it is." Mummy picked a spotty chicken, she said she will call her chicken Spot. Daddy was making rude comments to the chickens about fattening them up for Christmas so the others had to pull him away cos the chickens were getting offended.
Then they went in the shop and on the way they passed some red slider turtles swimming about in the outside pond. Mummy looked at Daddy and opened her mouth and Daddy just said "Absolutely not" and walked into the shop. They want to buy a new filter for the pond cos they are leaving the one we have here, well it has been there six years. And they want to make the pond at the new house much bigger so they decided they need a massive filter. Mummy stupidly suggested that you could make one yourself for much less than they are to buy, with a big plastic box and lots of filter media in compartments. "There's a project for you," said Daddy. Mummy said she would try but she bit worried she might not be able to do such a complicated job.
Monday 22 July 2013
A sorry would have been nice Madam. By Bessie
Yesterday Mummy, Daddy and Katie went to a car boot sale to sell some old tat. Them sold lots of it and what was left them took to the tip on the way home. Then Katie finally got round to tidying that massive pile of old paper and exercise books out of her bedroom.
Two peoples was sposed to be coming to quote us for removal lorries today. The first one was due between ten and eleven. At 11.30 Mummy phoned to see where he was. It went straight to answer phone. At 12 she rang again and it went straight to answer phone. At 12.30 she phoned their Cardiff office and said "Your rep was supposed to come between 10 and 11 and he never turned up and when I phoned twice there was nobody there."
The lady immediately went on the defensive and got all snotty, "All calls are diverted here. If I'm too busy to answer then it goes to answer machine. So there was somebody here. Me."
"Oh right, " says Mummy, "So anyway, your rep never turned up."
"He got stuck in a traffic jam," she says, " He did phone all his appointments."
"No he never," replies Mummy.
"He did," the lady insists.
"Well, no he never. Anyway it's too late to come now, I've got someone else due any time and I need to go out after."
"I'll make another appointment shall I?" says the lady sulkily.
"No don't worry about it," Mummy says, "We've got enough things to things about on the day we move without worrying whether the removal van will turn up."
So then the lady gets really snotty and gives Mummy a lecture about how it's not the reps fault if he gets stuck in traffic and that of course the removal van will turn up cos it only has one job to do that day. But she has annoyed Mummy with her attitude, all she wanted was a simple explanation and apology and she would have let them make another appointment. So she tells the lady she'd rather not bother and the lady puts the phone down. Of course afterwards Daddy said Mummy should have made another appointment until her pointed out that if this was their attitude to customers she'd rather not have them in charge of all her worldly goods.
So then the next person turns up a bit early but Mummy says it's OK cos the previous appointment didn't turn up at all. He goes round a writes a big long list of furniture and he looks in the attic and the shed and even the under stairs cupboard. He didn't like us dogs though, we were in the garden and when he wanted to go out there Mummy tried to get us away but Lotty escaped and jumped up, getting white hair on his nice grey trousers. He didn't look impressed.
Anyway, then he said he would email his quote tomorrow and Mummy and Katie went to the hairdressers and Tom and Bryn stayed home to look after us and Mummy finally got her hair done. Katie said she would do the weekly shop while Mummy had her hair done. When her come back she showed Mummy what she picked and Mummy said everything was good except she bought expensive spaghetti instead of Tesco value so Katie swapped the spaghetti and then they paid for the shopping and come home to cuddle us.
Two peoples was sposed to be coming to quote us for removal lorries today. The first one was due between ten and eleven. At 11.30 Mummy phoned to see where he was. It went straight to answer phone. At 12 she rang again and it went straight to answer phone. At 12.30 she phoned their Cardiff office and said "Your rep was supposed to come between 10 and 11 and he never turned up and when I phoned twice there was nobody there."
The lady immediately went on the defensive and got all snotty, "All calls are diverted here. If I'm too busy to answer then it goes to answer machine. So there was somebody here. Me."
"Oh right, " says Mummy, "So anyway, your rep never turned up."
"He got stuck in a traffic jam," she says, " He did phone all his appointments."
"No he never," replies Mummy.
"He did," the lady insists.
"Well, no he never. Anyway it's too late to come now, I've got someone else due any time and I need to go out after."
"I'll make another appointment shall I?" says the lady sulkily.
"No don't worry about it," Mummy says, "We've got enough things to things about on the day we move without worrying whether the removal van will turn up."
So then the lady gets really snotty and gives Mummy a lecture about how it's not the reps fault if he gets stuck in traffic and that of course the removal van will turn up cos it only has one job to do that day. But she has annoyed Mummy with her attitude, all she wanted was a simple explanation and apology and she would have let them make another appointment. So she tells the lady she'd rather not bother and the lady puts the phone down. Of course afterwards Daddy said Mummy should have made another appointment until her pointed out that if this was their attitude to customers she'd rather not have them in charge of all her worldly goods.
So then the next person turns up a bit early but Mummy says it's OK cos the previous appointment didn't turn up at all. He goes round a writes a big long list of furniture and he looks in the attic and the shed and even the under stairs cupboard. He didn't like us dogs though, we were in the garden and when he wanted to go out there Mummy tried to get us away but Lotty escaped and jumped up, getting white hair on his nice grey trousers. He didn't look impressed.
Anyway, then he said he would email his quote tomorrow and Mummy and Katie went to the hairdressers and Tom and Bryn stayed home to look after us and Mummy finally got her hair done. Katie said she would do the weekly shop while Mummy had her hair done. When her come back she showed Mummy what she picked and Mummy said everything was good except she bought expensive spaghetti instead of Tesco value so Katie swapped the spaghetti and then they paid for the shopping and come home to cuddle us.
Saturday 20 July 2013
I don't think we was supposed to wee on the jigsaw puzzles. By Bessie
This morning my humans went to visit the house we are buying. Tom hadn't seen it yet and there was things they wanted to check out so they phoned the estate agent to see if they could go and the peoples said they wanted to show my humans some stuff anyway.
So they went to the house and stayed three hours. The peoples was probly desparate to get rid of them in the end. I know I would have been. Anyway so them found out there isn't a path to work other than the one they already knew about. There is no ghost (allegedly). The peoples is leaving loads of stuff, curtains and blinds, 2 beds, 2 settees and loads of cupboards and wardrobes. And some fishies and tools and of course the hot tub. The hot tub was bubbling away and the humans wish them had brought their swimsuits cos it looked very nice in there. Them had a cup of tea and a lovely chat and them played with next doors cat and Katie and Bryn went upstairs and jumped around in Katie's bedroom. We can't wait to move now, we is very excited.
When them got home there was a letter on the mat from the solicitor with the draft contract to check over. It look like things are moving along nicely now.
Tomorrow there is a car boot sale at Parkend so Mummy said she was going and her was very surprised when Daddy offered to help. Him probly only wants to make sure she doesn't sell any of his stuff. So them got all the stuff out they wanted to sell and laid it on the decking. Then Lotty did a wee on some of it. So Mummy shouted a bit and then washed the weed on things. Then me and Lotty took all the teddies out of the bag and played with them. When them was nice and slobbered on we gived them back to Mummy to sell.
Then we had a sleep before tea.
So they went to the house and stayed three hours. The peoples was probly desparate to get rid of them in the end. I know I would have been. Anyway so them found out there isn't a path to work other than the one they already knew about. There is no ghost (allegedly). The peoples is leaving loads of stuff, curtains and blinds, 2 beds, 2 settees and loads of cupboards and wardrobes. And some fishies and tools and of course the hot tub. The hot tub was bubbling away and the humans wish them had brought their swimsuits cos it looked very nice in there. Them had a cup of tea and a lovely chat and them played with next doors cat and Katie and Bryn went upstairs and jumped around in Katie's bedroom. We can't wait to move now, we is very excited.
When them got home there was a letter on the mat from the solicitor with the draft contract to check over. It look like things are moving along nicely now.
Tomorrow there is a car boot sale at Parkend so Mummy said she was going and her was very surprised when Daddy offered to help. Him probly only wants to make sure she doesn't sell any of his stuff. So them got all the stuff out they wanted to sell and laid it on the decking. Then Lotty did a wee on some of it. So Mummy shouted a bit and then washed the weed on things. Then me and Lotty took all the teddies out of the bag and played with them. When them was nice and slobbered on we gived them back to Mummy to sell.
Then we had a sleep before tea.
Friday 19 July 2013
I'm a nosy neighbour. By Bessie
You know how people say you can find anything on Mr Google? It's not true. For instance Mr Google could not answer the following questions:
Why is there a police riot van outside my neighbours house?
Is my new house haunted?
Is there a path from my new house to Mummy's work that doesn't pass the gypsies?
So there you have it. Mr Google isn't the font of all knowledge after all.
Why is there a police riot van outside my neighbours house?
Is my new house haunted?
Is there a path from my new house to Mummy's work that doesn't pass the gypsies?
So there you have it. Mr Google isn't the font of all knowledge after all.
Tuesday 16 July 2013
Don't forget to push your trolley into the wall. By Bessie
Yesterday Mummy decides she's going to have her hair done so she takes the mini humans to school and then her and Tom go to the hairdressers in Tesco where you don't need to make an appointment. She doesn't like making appointments. Mummy is a fly by the seat of her pants kind of person. But the hairdressers doesn't open until ten so they go back down to the car park and get a trolley to do some food shopping.
There is a massive sign at the top of the escalator that says "Push your trolley when you reach the end of the travellator." So they read it out to each other in case either of them forgets that it's not a remote control trolley. Bearing in mind they didn't really need anything from Tesco, they only went to kill time for an hour, this is what they bought:
A tent.
A box of plasters with animal prints on them.
A box of hayfever tablets.
4 pints of milk.
6 cartons of apple juice.
3 boxes of breakfast cereal.
2 bags of pasta.
A bottle of floor cleaner.
4 under bed storage boxes.
Apparently these were all essentials.
Then they went and put everything in the car then they sat in the car for a bit but Mummy couldn't get a signal on her phone in the underground car park and she was bored watching Tom tweeting so she said she would go to the toilet. So they went back inside Tesco. This time they pretended to be Russian and talked to each other very loudly in pigeon Russian. They had to get on the travellator again cos it's the only way upstairs. This often makes Mummy cross cos it is very slow and it takes ages to get to the top, especially of you are in a hurry. Luckily they were in anything but a hurry so they didn't mind that there were two old men in front of them with trolleys. The first old man obviously didn't read the sign that says "Push your trolley when you reach the end of the travellator" cos when he got to the end he just stood there and his trolley swung sideways, jamming itself across the end of the travellator so the second old man crashed into him and Mummy crashed into the second old man and Tom crashed into Mummy and the lady behind Tom crashed into Tom until eventually there were dozens of people all walking on the spot crashed into each other. And finally the first old man managed to get his trolley facing the right way and he got off the travellator and everybody stopped walking on the spot and went into Tesco to do their shopping. Oh how Mummy and Tom laughed, them said they were laughing before because people needed reminding to push their trolley, now them think maybe the sign needs to be bigger.
Then them went to the hairdressers and the girl says she'll phone them if a stylist turns up. Turns out there was only supposed to be one hairdresser in there today but she phoned in sick. So Mummy gives the girl her number and they go off to waste a bit more time. But them has nothing to do so them just wanders round the shops for an hour then them gives up waiting for the hairdresser to phone. Anyway Mummy says her window of motivation was very small and it's gone now. So they go home and sort out all the lego in Bryn's room into the new storage boxes instead. We help by looking out of the window for robbers and biting the lego mini figures.
Then Mummy went to pick up Katie and Bryn from school and Tom stayed home and looked after us. Katie notice Mummy didn't get her hair done so Mummy tells her what happened and Katie says why don't they go now. So them go to the hairdressers and there is a different woman there and Mummy asks if the hairdresser is there now. The lady says she is the hairdresser so Mummy asks if she can have a cut and colour. "Not at this time of day," the lady tuts, looking meanfully at her watch. It's only 3.20pm and the hairdressers doesn't close til 8pm.
"If someone had phoned me back at ten would you have been able to do it?" Mummy asks.
"Of course," says the lady, "But we were very busy."
Hmmmm. Not very good service if you ask me.
"Never mind, it doesn't matter." Says Mummy and they walk off.
"It does really matter," Whispers Katie over 50 fields and her and Mummy stomp across the shop complaining loudly about poor customer service and generally being treated crappily by people.
Today Katie has gone to Nando's for her friends birthday. The rest of the humans had snossijs and mash but they didn't share with us. They know that's our favourite.
There is a massive sign at the top of the escalator that says "Push your trolley when you reach the end of the travellator." So they read it out to each other in case either of them forgets that it's not a remote control trolley. Bearing in mind they didn't really need anything from Tesco, they only went to kill time for an hour, this is what they bought:
A tent.
A box of plasters with animal prints on them.
A box of hayfever tablets.
4 pints of milk.
6 cartons of apple juice.
3 boxes of breakfast cereal.
2 bags of pasta.
A bottle of floor cleaner.
4 under bed storage boxes.
Apparently these were all essentials.
Then they went and put everything in the car then they sat in the car for a bit but Mummy couldn't get a signal on her phone in the underground car park and she was bored watching Tom tweeting so she said she would go to the toilet. So they went back inside Tesco. This time they pretended to be Russian and talked to each other very loudly in pigeon Russian. They had to get on the travellator again cos it's the only way upstairs. This often makes Mummy cross cos it is very slow and it takes ages to get to the top, especially of you are in a hurry. Luckily they were in anything but a hurry so they didn't mind that there were two old men in front of them with trolleys. The first old man obviously didn't read the sign that says "Push your trolley when you reach the end of the travellator" cos when he got to the end he just stood there and his trolley swung sideways, jamming itself across the end of the travellator so the second old man crashed into him and Mummy crashed into the second old man and Tom crashed into Mummy and the lady behind Tom crashed into Tom until eventually there were dozens of people all walking on the spot crashed into each other. And finally the first old man managed to get his trolley facing the right way and he got off the travellator and everybody stopped walking on the spot and went into Tesco to do their shopping. Oh how Mummy and Tom laughed, them said they were laughing before because people needed reminding to push their trolley, now them think maybe the sign needs to be bigger.
Then them went to the hairdressers and the girl says she'll phone them if a stylist turns up. Turns out there was only supposed to be one hairdresser in there today but she phoned in sick. So Mummy gives the girl her number and they go off to waste a bit more time. But them has nothing to do so them just wanders round the shops for an hour then them gives up waiting for the hairdresser to phone. Anyway Mummy says her window of motivation was very small and it's gone now. So they go home and sort out all the lego in Bryn's room into the new storage boxes instead. We help by looking out of the window for robbers and biting the lego mini figures.
Then Mummy went to pick up Katie and Bryn from school and Tom stayed home and looked after us. Katie notice Mummy didn't get her hair done so Mummy tells her what happened and Katie says why don't they go now. So them go to the hairdressers and there is a different woman there and Mummy asks if the hairdresser is there now. The lady says she is the hairdresser so Mummy asks if she can have a cut and colour. "Not at this time of day," the lady tuts, looking meanfully at her watch. It's only 3.20pm and the hairdressers doesn't close til 8pm.
"If someone had phoned me back at ten would you have been able to do it?" Mummy asks.
"Of course," says the lady, "But we were very busy."
Hmmmm. Not very good service if you ask me.
"Never mind, it doesn't matter." Says Mummy and they walk off.
"It does really matter," Whispers Katie over 50 fields and her and Mummy stomp across the shop complaining loudly about poor customer service and generally being treated crappily by people.
Today Katie has gone to Nando's for her friends birthday. The rest of the humans had snossijs and mash but they didn't share with us. They know that's our favourite.
Sunday 14 July 2013
First World Problems. By Sam.
Having to crawl on your hands and knees in front of an open window naked because you went in the shower without your towel and nobody can hear you shouting for help.
Having a shower when it's still light outside. Don't want to wear dirty clothes, don't want to dirty a new set so put jammies on at 7pm.
Going to the hairdressers in the morning. Hair not dirty enough to go to all the trouble of washing but don't want the hairdresser to think I'm dirty. Dry shampoo to the rescue.
Don't fancy alcohol but I opened a bottle of wine yesterday and it's going to go off if I don't drink it.
Don't want to watch telly but don't want to listen to neighbourhood children play screaming either. Spotify to the rescue.
Lotty is taking the best spot in the bed but if I move her she will wake up and start running round the house. It's OK, if I just bend my knee like this and put the other leg slightly like this it's almost comfortable.
Got headache from wearing hair in ponytail all day but if I leave it down it gets sweaty and frizzy.
Phone needs charging but the charger is downstairs. If I go downstairs then someone will steal my spot in the bed.
Thirsty but see above. Drinks water out of bathroom tap. Doesn't taste right. But at least I made it back to bed before anyone got comfy.
Having a shower when it's still light outside. Don't want to wear dirty clothes, don't want to dirty a new set so put jammies on at 7pm.
Going to the hairdressers in the morning. Hair not dirty enough to go to all the trouble of washing but don't want the hairdresser to think I'm dirty. Dry shampoo to the rescue.
Don't fancy alcohol but I opened a bottle of wine yesterday and it's going to go off if I don't drink it.
Don't want to watch telly but don't want to listen to neighbourhood children play screaming either. Spotify to the rescue.
Lotty is taking the best spot in the bed but if I move her she will wake up and start running round the house. It's OK, if I just bend my knee like this and put the other leg slightly like this it's almost comfortable.
Got headache from wearing hair in ponytail all day but if I leave it down it gets sweaty and frizzy.
Phone needs charging but the charger is downstairs. If I go downstairs then someone will steal my spot in the bed.
Thirsty but see above. Drinks water out of bathroom tap. Doesn't taste right. But at least I made it back to bed before anyone got comfy.
In which Bryn has a birthday, we gets sweared at and Mummy tries to steal someone else's rubbish. By Bessie
Yesterday is Brynny's birthday. He is 12. He got a pair of jeans and 2 t-shirts and money off us and he got a t-shirt and money off Grandma and Grandad and money off everybody else. So of course he had to go out and spend his money. Well it very hot yesterday so Mummy say it too hot to leave us home in our princess cage on our own and all the humans was going out so we all went too. We went to Bristol. So we is driving along to the car park what we always go to and Mummy and Daddy say it probly be full but we check anyway but when we get there we see there is hardly any cars parked there. Hmm this very strange them think, until they go to the pay machine and realise them has changed the fees. Now you can't park all day for £3 any more, it is £5 for 5 hours and you can't stay any longer. So we gets back in the car and drives off and parks down a side street for free.
We took 2 massive bottles of water and sun cream and a blanky for naps. We did stop lots for drinky breaks and to sit in the shade and have cold water splashed on our faces and feeties and we sits in the shade for lunch, the humans has pasties and we has chewies.
Bryn did get a nice geetar with his birthday money but then the humans say it too hot to walk so we starts to walk back to the car, we is going to find somewhere cool to sit and wait while Daddy brings the car round. So we is on a pedestrian crossing when these scumbags driving past lean out their windows and him shouts, in front of his own children and our children, "Get them F-in dogs inside" and she shouts, "Yeah, get them f-in dogs inside." We is so cross, Mummy and Daddy did want to punch their faces in. We knows it is getting hot so we is already on our way home. We has been looked after good in the warm and there is loads of other dogs out today. Anyway we does ignore them cos we is not massive chavvy scumbag pikeys like them and we goes and sits in a closed down shop doorway and Daddy goes to get the car and then we goes home and has a nap before dinner.
Mummy asks Daddy to blow the wimmy pool up for us. Him say he thought that was to put the fish in when we move and she say it is but we can borrow it for now. So him blowed it up. Katie did put her bikini on and get in and Lotty did go in for a second but me and Carly did go and hide inside cos we not want to go wimming.
For birthday tea the humans has a tex mex feast, them has fajitas and nachos and tato wedges and all sorts of little mini cheesy things and meaty things and them has soured cream and guacomole and humous, which is not mexican or texican but Mummy likes it so she put it on the table anyway. Then they had choklit gatto but we didn't have any birthday candles so Bryn said him not mind and him blew the candlebra candles out instead. Then after tea it was still hot so Katie, Bryn and Lotty went wimming in the pool.
Today Katie and Bryn went to the pictures to see Despicable Me 2 and them went to McDonalds. Mummy and Daddy took them but we stayed home with Tom.
After Mummy get some money out the cash machine and Katie steals it all off her then the minihumans go off to the pictures and Mummy and Daddy went to the shop to see how much the kitchen table is they want for the new house. Them is walking into the shop and this man parks in the disabled spot in a big BMW. Mummy say (like she always does in a sarcy voice) "Oh look, he's disabled. Bless him." Then her says (like she always does), "If he's only got one leg I'm going to look like a right bitch."
Normally this is OK and the person is perfectly able bodied, just lazy, and her doesn't look like a right bitch. But as she's holding the shop door open for the man with the prosthetic leg she feels very bad and hopes him didn't hear her slagging him off over 50 fields. Daddy say him probly a war hero. Mummy say Daddy has permission to kick her in the head if him wants but him say him alright, her has already done it to herself.
Anyway the kitchen table is still there and them say they will get the 6 matching chairs too but not til after they move in. Then them come out the shop and Daddy does the big laugh at Mummy he's been holding in and them do laugh hard til snot comes out their faces cos they is yacky like that my parents. Then Mummy says they should go and look in the furniture shop over the road what they have never been in. Daddy say he thinks it's shut cos there is not a single car in the car park but Mummy say it must be open cos she can see the lights is on. So them go and it is open, just they have no customers. The reason why they have no customers is because the shop was playing over the tannoy a really awful radio station. It was some posh woman wobbling on about opera and classical music and playing really really really awful music like the phantom of the opera and show tunes from the olden days. It was probably radio 3 or classic fm. Anyway Mummy say the choice of radio station just about summed up the clientelle the shop was trying to attract and her say that definitely not her and maybe if they'd been playing a normal station like real radio or something then the furniture wouldn't have seemed like it was so revolting but the music just made everything look even more old person. So them got out of there fast and them went to the tip on the way home with a load of stuff what Daddy took out of the attic this morning.
Normally Mummy is super lazy and just sits in the car at the tip but her decided to "help". Mainly cos she wanted to inspect what he was throwing away in case it was stuff she wanted. She managed to save a puter monitor (I can sell that at a car boot sale) and a plant pot (I can put my herbs in that). When she started looking in the bins for other peoples rubbish she could rescue then Daddy think it time to get her back in the car and them comes home. Daddy shows Mummy the big sign that tells you not to steal other peoples rubbish. Her think this is probly not the law, just the tip men wanting to keep the best stuff for themselves. We does think it is funny how they have decorated the tip with dead hanging baskets and broken garden ornmanents.
Then we has a nap and waits for the minihumans to come home.
Right now the house opposite has every single window open and is playing Rihanna so loud you could probably hear it from another country. I hate Rihanna. Last night someone in our street had a party. A very loud party. At 3.30am they were still in their garden shouting and screaming. We were wide awake.
We took 2 massive bottles of water and sun cream and a blanky for naps. We did stop lots for drinky breaks and to sit in the shade and have cold water splashed on our faces and feeties and we sits in the shade for lunch, the humans has pasties and we has chewies.
Bryn did get a nice geetar with his birthday money but then the humans say it too hot to walk so we starts to walk back to the car, we is going to find somewhere cool to sit and wait while Daddy brings the car round. So we is on a pedestrian crossing when these scumbags driving past lean out their windows and him shouts, in front of his own children and our children, "Get them F-in dogs inside" and she shouts, "Yeah, get them f-in dogs inside." We is so cross, Mummy and Daddy did want to punch their faces in. We knows it is getting hot so we is already on our way home. We has been looked after good in the warm and there is loads of other dogs out today. Anyway we does ignore them cos we is not massive chavvy scumbag pikeys like them and we goes and sits in a closed down shop doorway and Daddy goes to get the car and then we goes home and has a nap before dinner.
Mummy asks Daddy to blow the wimmy pool up for us. Him say he thought that was to put the fish in when we move and she say it is but we can borrow it for now. So him blowed it up. Katie did put her bikini on and get in and Lotty did go in for a second but me and Carly did go and hide inside cos we not want to go wimming.
For birthday tea the humans has a tex mex feast, them has fajitas and nachos and tato wedges and all sorts of little mini cheesy things and meaty things and them has soured cream and guacomole and humous, which is not mexican or texican but Mummy likes it so she put it on the table anyway. Then they had choklit gatto but we didn't have any birthday candles so Bryn said him not mind and him blew the candlebra candles out instead. Then after tea it was still hot so Katie, Bryn and Lotty went wimming in the pool.
Today Katie and Bryn went to the pictures to see Despicable Me 2 and them went to McDonalds. Mummy and Daddy took them but we stayed home with Tom.
After Mummy get some money out the cash machine and Katie steals it all off her then the minihumans go off to the pictures and Mummy and Daddy went to the shop to see how much the kitchen table is they want for the new house. Them is walking into the shop and this man parks in the disabled spot in a big BMW. Mummy say (like she always does in a sarcy voice) "Oh look, he's disabled. Bless him." Then her says (like she always does), "If he's only got one leg I'm going to look like a right bitch."
Normally this is OK and the person is perfectly able bodied, just lazy, and her doesn't look like a right bitch. But as she's holding the shop door open for the man with the prosthetic leg she feels very bad and hopes him didn't hear her slagging him off over 50 fields. Daddy say him probly a war hero. Mummy say Daddy has permission to kick her in the head if him wants but him say him alright, her has already done it to herself.
Anyway the kitchen table is still there and them say they will get the 6 matching chairs too but not til after they move in. Then them come out the shop and Daddy does the big laugh at Mummy he's been holding in and them do laugh hard til snot comes out their faces cos they is yacky like that my parents. Then Mummy says they should go and look in the furniture shop over the road what they have never been in. Daddy say he thinks it's shut cos there is not a single car in the car park but Mummy say it must be open cos she can see the lights is on. So them go and it is open, just they have no customers. The reason why they have no customers is because the shop was playing over the tannoy a really awful radio station. It was some posh woman wobbling on about opera and classical music and playing really really really awful music like the phantom of the opera and show tunes from the olden days. It was probably radio 3 or classic fm. Anyway Mummy say the choice of radio station just about summed up the clientelle the shop was trying to attract and her say that definitely not her and maybe if they'd been playing a normal station like real radio or something then the furniture wouldn't have seemed like it was so revolting but the music just made everything look even more old person. So them got out of there fast and them went to the tip on the way home with a load of stuff what Daddy took out of the attic this morning.
Normally Mummy is super lazy and just sits in the car at the tip but her decided to "help". Mainly cos she wanted to inspect what he was throwing away in case it was stuff she wanted. She managed to save a puter monitor (I can sell that at a car boot sale) and a plant pot (I can put my herbs in that). When she started looking in the bins for other peoples rubbish she could rescue then Daddy think it time to get her back in the car and them comes home. Daddy shows Mummy the big sign that tells you not to steal other peoples rubbish. Her think this is probly not the law, just the tip men wanting to keep the best stuff for themselves. We does think it is funny how they have decorated the tip with dead hanging baskets and broken garden ornmanents.
Then we has a nap and waits for the minihumans to come home.
Right now the house opposite has every single window open and is playing Rihanna so loud you could probably hear it from another country. I hate Rihanna. Last night someone in our street had a party. A very loud party. At 3.30am they were still in their garden shouting and screaming. We were wide awake.
Saturday 13 July 2013
Writers block. Bugger. By Sam.
I have reached a massive block in my book. I wanted it to be a light read. Not big belly laugh comedy, just seeing the funny in every day things. The way I like to be in real life. But it's just not flippin working. Because it's semi autobiographical some of the stuff is so dark I just can't make it glib and it kind of stops me making other parts of the tale funny. I feel like I can't go from really depressing one minute to telling jokes the next. I know that's what I do myself but it doesn't work in person (I know that from the amount of humourbypass victims who think I'm a dick) so it sure as hell ain't going to work in paper.
Bollocks. Now what?
*Deletes 79,000 words and starts again.*
Bollocks. Now what?
*Deletes 79,000 words and starts again.*
Monday 8 July 2013
Brynny is a rock star! By Bessie
On Saturday we took Katie to her friends house cos it was her friends little brothers birthday party. They had a bouncy giraffe. I would like to bounce on an inflatable giraffe. Then we went for a walk round the village where we are moving to. We parked up near the golf club and we walked down the lane and we said hello to a shetland pony, a horse and a field of cows. Then we went to the pub and had chips and coca cola in the beer garden.
On Sunday we was going to go to Dorset to see the big willy man in Dorset. But it was too hot for a long drive and a long walk so we went to Penarth instead and walked round Cosmeston Lakes. I went for a paddle in the lake and Lotty swam in the lake and Carly sat on Mummy's lap and watched. Then we had bacon butties and Mummy had brought an umbrella for us to sleep under and a spray bottle to spritz us when we got too hot.
Today it was the summer concert at Katie and Bryn's school. Katie said she would join the choir if they didn't make them sing Abba medleys. Bryn is in a band and they did a song. Them was the best band me ever seen. Me is going to buy their album.
This is them:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=495092157235271&set=vb.100002034728856&type=2&theater
On Sunday we was going to go to Dorset to see the big willy man in Dorset. But it was too hot for a long drive and a long walk so we went to Penarth instead and walked round Cosmeston Lakes. I went for a paddle in the lake and Lotty swam in the lake and Carly sat on Mummy's lap and watched. Then we had bacon butties and Mummy had brought an umbrella for us to sleep under and a spray bottle to spritz us when we got too hot.
Today it was the summer concert at Katie and Bryn's school. Katie said she would join the choir if they didn't make them sing Abba medleys. Bryn is in a band and they did a song. Them was the best band me ever seen. Me is going to buy their album.
This is them:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=495092157235271&set=vb.100002034728856&type=2&theater
Thursday 4 July 2013
Horace and Lyndsey are together again. By Bessie
This is Horace. He left us for the rainbow bridge yesterday. We are heartbroken.
When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place. There is always food and water and warm spring weather. All the animals who have been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. Her bright eyes are intent; her eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly she begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, her legs carrying her faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be separated.'
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