How many pieces did you want your egg in? By Sam

Five minutes before you leave for work is not the time to be experimenting with food.  I thought if I cracked an egg into a bowl and put it in the microwave with a drop of water it would come out like a poached egg.

It didn't.

On the plus side the roof of the microwave needed cleaning anyway.

Only nerds wear coats in winter...apparently. By Bessie

Conversation between grownuphuman and 2 minihumans:

GUH:    Where's your coat?
MH1:     (shrugs)
MH2:     (shrugs)
GUH:     It's 6 degrees out.  Aren't you cold?
MH1:     Yes
MH2:     (shrugs)
GUH:     Then wear your coat
MH1:     Nobody wears a coat to school
GUH:     I've seen people in coats
MH1:     Only nerds
GUH:     I thought you was a nerd
MH1:     NO!  Who wants to be a nerd?
GUH:     Me
MH1:     (Under breath) I can tell
GUH:     You're quiet.  You've probably caught a cold from not wearing a coat
MH2:     (shrugs)
MH1:     He should wear a coat.  he's a nerd
GUH:     No he's not.  That's so mean.  Oh look see that girl there, she's wearing a coat.  She must be a nerd
MH1:     She is
GUH:     See that girl there, she's wearing a coat.  She must be a nerd
MH1:     That's a teacher
GUH:     See that girl there, she's wearing a coat.  She must be a nerd
MH1:     That's my boyfriends sister
GUH:     I'm telling her you called her a nerd
MH1:     I didn't say everyone who wears a coat is a nerd
GUH:     Yes you did actually
MH1:     (gets out of the car and ignores GUH)
MH2:     (also gets out of the car and ignores his loving mummy)
GUH:     BBBYYYEEE NERDS


To conclude:
Humans are quite stupid. 
Minihumans don't like to wear coats to school but insist on having very expensive coats to wear at all other times.
Minihumans don't like to be called nerds but old humans like it.

My First World Problem for today. By Sam

Mug Shot Pasta... says ready in 5 minutes.  Well that's a BIG FAT LIE.

Firstly it took 2 minutes for the kettle to boil.

Then I put the water on and stirred it.

Then I waited 5 minutes.

Then I stirred it again.
Tasted one piece.
Burnt my mouth.
And it was crunchy.
Pasta is not supposed to crunch.

Then I waited another 2 minutes.
Tasted one piece.
Didn't burn my mouth this time.
But it was still crunchy.

Then I waited 2 more minutes.
Ate it.
Still crunchy.
Not nice.
But I was DYING of hunger.


And yes I know you're not supposed to start any sentence with Then, But or And.

But I don't care.
And that didn't fill me up.
Then I ate a bag of crisps.
They weren't crunchy.
They should have been.
My world is all topsy turvy.
Next I'll be drinking iced coffee and hot vimto.

Daddy shows us up in front of a famous person. By Bessie

I can't believe me forgot to tell you this story.  So the other day, well actually it was a week last Thursday, my humans had a half price voucher for the Beefeater so they decided to go out for dinner.  Well them was eating their dinner when 4 people did come in and sit in the next booth and it was only Amelia Lily.  Her came third in last years Xfactor if you doesn't know who she is.

So Amelia Lily comes and sits in the seat back to back with Katie and Katie all excited and wants her autograph but too shy to ask so Mummy asks and Amelia Lily very friendly and writes a note just for Katie:

And then my humans eavesdrops on their conversation/accidentally can hear them talking.  Amelia Lily orders baked potato and tomatoes.  Her says her loves tomatoes.  Then her jokes that she getting a tattoo what says Mum and her Mum says she is not and they all laugh, then the boy what is with them tells this story about how he was a dancer in a JLS video and he had to pretend he was in a nightclub but he was wearing a wooly hat and he couldn't get into character.

Then Daddy showed us up.  There was a lamp hanging down over the table and the shade wasn't sitting quite right so Daddy tries to put it right but the lampshade falls off in his hand and him is sitting at the table holding a broken lampshade and my humans is all laughing and Amelia Lily and her family is laughing at my Daddy.

Oh the shame.

Anyway Daddy did manage to get the lampshade back together before them got thrown out for breaking the Beefeater and them all lived happily ever after.

Exercising our rights to bark at chikin. By Bessie

I'm not saying it's cold but Mummy is wearing a wooly hat and has a duvet wrapped round her whilst sitting at the kitchen table.  I say if she put the oven on, say to bake some cakes for us, then the room would soon warm up.  She says she is ready to carry on with her novel now...but she doesn't seem to be making much of an effort if you ask me.

This morning Lotty went to agility training.  Mummy had kind of decided to give up cos she wasn't sure if Lotty was getting anywhere.  She enjoys it, they both do, and I guess that's the most important thing but last week she was apallingly badly behaved at agility.

Anyway Mummy said to her "This is your last chance to show me you can do it good".  Well, we did think Lotty doesn't listen to a word Mummy says but she did really good.  She did the weave poles properly, she did the jumps and the tunnel properly and she did the see saw properly.  She never done the see saw before but Miss Connie had been using it with the people before and Mummy asked if Lotty could have a go and Miss Connie thought Lotty would be scared but she is hard as nails and she did it like a pro, first time.

It's biggest minihumans birthday on Monday, he will be 20.  That means him not a teenager anymore, him got to move out and get a job...hmmm.  Mummy going to bake him a giant jaffa cake cos he loves jaffa cakes.  Her has no idea how she going to make it, her thinking victoria sponge with orange jam and a choklit coating.

Last night we went for two walks in the dark.  When the boy minihumans got back from school we all went out but it was already dark at quarter to four.  Then after tea Mummy and Daddy went to vote - Tom didn't want to come, Mummy said him should exercise hims right to vote and him said him would rather exercise his right to sit on his bum - anyway we went with them and them took us into the school playground even though we does know dogs isn't allowed in the school playground.  Cos we is big rebels like that. We don't know if lots of people went to vote but there wasn't anyone else there when we went and the lady at the desk looked very bored.

We had a frozen kong each yesterday for breakfast for a change, and chikin wings for tea.  Mummy was putting the chikin wings into our bowls and we was getting a bit excited and shouting "Hurry up Mummy" like you do when there was a knock at the door so Mummy shouts for one of the minihumans to get the door and Bryn did go and then he come in the kitchen and tells Mummy there's a lady at the door so Mummy says her will have to wait so Bryn tells her Mummy is feeding us and instead of going away like any sane person her decides to wait.  So Tom comes and takes over in the kitchen and Mummy goes to the door and the lady says she can see how busy Mummy is but then she gets this iPad out and starts trying to show Mummy a slide show about lovefilm.somethingorother and Mummy says her is sorry but her has three dogs fighting over a chikin and her going to have to go and deal with it and the lady turns and waves her arm in this weird gesture and strops off and Mummy thinking her should try and control her strops if her wants to work for a big company like that, her not setting a good example of their customer services.

Got. To. Stop. Eating. By. Sam

So far today I have had:

6 potato cakes
half a tub of egg mayonnaise
2 bags of cheese and onion crisps (Ringos to be precise)
Tesco fishermans pie

500ml bottle mango iced tea
3 cups of tea
1 glass water

2 beta blockers
2 ibuprofen
1 berroka

...and it's only 1.33pm

What a massive waste of time that was. By Sam

So I wrote 28000 + pages then I was brushing my teeth, looked at myself in the mirror and my reflection sneers "Your book is shite.  Nobody's going to be interested in that crap".

She was right of course, it is.

So back to the drawing board.  I have three ideas, which one would you rather read?  Be honest with me.  If you was in Waterstones looking for a book, or more likely looking for the free books on e reader, which of these would you most likely pick up; if any:

1.    Working title - Benny Strikes Again.

The story of a lonely girl who deals with a traumatic incident in childhood by inventing an imaginary friend called Benny.  When she's a child he gets her into trouble by causing mischief but as she gets older his actions become more dangerous and daring and she slips deeper into her make believe world.   Is there anybody man enough to step in and take Benny on?

2.     Working title - Waiting For The Karma Bus.

A woman who spends her whole life as a victim finally gets fed up of waiting for the Karma Bus to deal with the people who hurt her and takes matter into her own hands.  She crosses names off in her Revenge Book when she thinks they've learnt their lesson but the further down the list the bigger the punishments need to be until things get out of hand.

3.     Working title - It Could Be You.

A couple spend all their time dreaming about winning the lottery, so much so that their family, friends and even complete strangers constantly say "When you win can you buy me...insert increasingly bizarre request". One day their dream comes true and they win a rollover but every single person they ever agreed to help comes out of the woodwork and they have to decide how far they are willing go to please everybody.

Newsflash! By Bessie

We interrupt the schedule to bring you breaking news:

At 10:48am on Saturday 10th November 2012 Daddy did admit he was wrong.

Him issued a full and frank apology what went like this "I'll let you off this time, the car did come out of that turning"

Mummy said "I accept your humble and heartfelt apology in the spirit what it was given".

Then her rolled her eyes.

In other news Katie made choklit brownies... to be more specific she made dog hair and choklit brownies.  Her is eating one right now, dripping crumbs on the laptop as her leans over to read this *puts bottom in the way for privacy* and her keeps pulling hairs out of her mouth.  Other than that though she says they are delicious.

Also Lotty is asleep next to me.  Her keeps touching my bum with her claws in her sleep and it's making me cross.

Katie just said to Mummy "you weed" then she pointed to the bed under Mummy so Mummy checked and Katie says "Why did you check you weirdo?  Did you really think you'd weed"  Now me and Mummy's cheeks is hurting from laughing so hard and Katie says "Why you keep laughing so much.  It not even funny".

Mummy wrote 28,283 words before her suddenly turned to Daddy and said "This book's crap.  Nobody will read this crap"

I'm ready to write my novel! By Sam

Finally after about 25 years of thinking about it I've decided what my book is going to be about.  I've had millions of ideas over the years, even started writing the story on many occasions and discarded it.  But now I know what I want to write about.

I have someone to thank for giving me the idea, someone who played a very low trick on me this week that I should have seen coming but walked right into.  But ho hum, we live and learn and anyway it's going to become part of my novel.

So excited.  Can't wait to get started.  You will buy it won't you?

Noisy bangies and wotnot. By Bessie

It's bonfire night and Carly is freaked out by the fireworks for the third night in a row.  Hopefully that will be it after tonight til New Years Eve.   She not as bad as some animals though, she just needs lots of cuddles.  Lotty doesn't like them either but she is not much of a cuddler.  She likes her own space so she just sits bolt upright every time she hears a bang or a whistle then she goes back to sleep.  Carly is sitting on our typists lap right now.

Biggest minihuman has gone to the pictures with his friends and middle minihuman has gone to her friends house for tea.  She wasn't supposed to but when Mummy went to pick her up from school she asked if she could go and could Daddy pick her up on his way back from work.  But then when Daddy went to get her she asked if he could come back when he goes to get Tom.  Daddy not impressed that she out wandering the streets on bonfire night but she say she with a big gang so she be OK.  He say that what he's worried about!

We didn't do much today.  We just normally like to have a lazy day on a Monday so Mummy tidied her wardrobe and put all the minihumans old school uniforms in a charity bag and did some cleaning and made some Thai food for the humans tea - well she did call it Asian fusion but that's just what people say when they haven't got a clue what they're making or if crispy seaweed goes with green thai curry (littlest minihuman say no, Mummy and Daddy say yes) - and we just napped and went for a walk down the castle then had our feeties washed cos Mummy doesn't like our paw art on the hall floor for some strange reason.  Then when Mummy got back from picking littlest minihuman up from school she was very cross cos she said she had only been gone for one hour and there was a big poo on the kitchen floor.  BUT I have two things to say in defence:
1.  She wasn't only gone for one hour, she was gone for eleventyseven hours.
2.  It was only a poo.  Least nobody had done a wee under the cooker this time.

Lotty finally starting to put a bit of weight on.  She getting a little tummy and Mummy keeps blowing raspberries on it cos she loves it.

I won a Minnie Mouse bandana in Cat Greyhounds auction.  I can't wait to wear it.

We was going to go on a basset walk on Sunday but the weather forecast was really bad for Yoville (I thought that was a game on Facebook but apparently it's a real place in Somerset.  Fancy that).  It even said it might snow on the hills and we think the walk was up a hill - they usually are.  So we stayed home instead and just went for a walk round our castle.  It was even muddier than normal cos they was getting all the stuff ready for the firework display and loads of trucks had churned up the ground.  When we got back we all had to have baths.

The humans didn't go to see the fireworks.  Daddy said him has been for 12 years on the run and him fancied a break and anyway Carly needed snuggles.  Then we watched X Factor results and we was all very cross and said we not watching it again (I've heard that before though) and then we watched the last in the series of Downton.  It was very good.  We did laugh about the fuss Carson and Alfred was making about Thomas being a gay.  Hee hee.  Anyway me say no more, me not want to spoil it for my Americaland friends.  As you can see me did put a countdown widget on my blog so we can all wait for the Christmas special.

Snow...in Newport. By Bessie

On Wednesday it was halloween so me and George went trick or treating round our friends houses.  By the time we got to Aunty Kath's we were cold and tired so we went in and had horlicks with JJ.  The minihumans went on their own and came back with lots of sweets that Katie couldn't eat so Mummy took them off her hands.  She says she's good like that.

Today Lotty went to agility training but it started raining just after they got there but they carried on but then it started snowing, then hailing so Lotty, Mummy and Miss Connie sheltered in the shed and after a while Miss Connie said do you want to go out in the rain, wait a bit longer or call it a day?  And Mummy was going erm lemme think when there was this huge clap of thunder and so they decided they wasn't going to get any agility done today.  So they got in the car and they took Katie to her friends house and Katie's boyfriend and his friend was waiting outside so Katie wanted Mummy and Lotty to drive off fast and not under any circumstances to get out the car seeing as they were both soaking wet and Mummy was wearing bright pink wellies and no make up and therefore looked like an old hag.  There was a bit of snow on the pavements in Newport so them must have had a longer snow than what they did up on the hill at agility.

Then Mummy took Lotty to work so she could weigh her and she was 14.9 kilos, which means she has lost weight again and then they went in the office and the mens was eating their breakfast cos them don't do any work on a Friday me not think and Matt did feel sorry for Lotty and give her scrambled egg and toast.

Then they went to Pets at home and Mummy asked one of the mens for advice about putting weight on Lotty and him said buy the high end normal kibble and she should start putting weight on so Mummy bought a new pink bowl what is bigger than the bowl she uses now so she can have bigger portions, a huge bag of kibble and three bags of frozen tripe for Carly.

Them then came home and Mummy hoovered because her had asked Tom to do it while she was out but as she was getting out of the car she heard the hoover go on and decided it was easier to do it herself.

Ooh me interrupt this boring story to tell you that the estate agent just phoned and we've got a viewing tomorrow.  Me has to hurry up and finish this cos my typist needs to go and do some (massive) cleaning.  This an exciting development, we hasn't had any viewings for ages and we stopped thinking about selling the house til the spring.