Bessie's big adventure. By Bessie

On Sunday evening two bassets came to stay with us.  Them names is Bertie and Missy.  Them was just staying for one night and Mummy taking them to be rehomed in the morning.

We did all go for a walk together, lots of people looked at us funny cos there so many of us and Daddy said now we really do look mad.  When we come home we had our tea and then Mummy brought the futon downstairs from under Katie's bed and made a bed up in the kitchen.  We did all get in the bed except Bertie and Missy.  They was missing their human parents and was sitting on the door mat whining.  Mummy did feel very sad for them cos they not know what's going on so she call them to come and get in bed with her.  So we all slept in the big bed together.  Missy did like to sleep right next to Mummy so she could have her belly rubbed all night.  So I made sure I did sleep on the other side so Mummy could rub my belly too.  Bertie did like to lie on Mummys feet.

We did not have the bestest nights sleep cos there was too many people in the bed and Mummy was fidgeting.  Then the minihumans upstairs kept getting up and opening and closing doors and Lotty did get up every time and want to go outside.

When Daddy came down in the morning for his breakfast Bertie forgot he had already met him and was barking like mad.  So Daddy said him get out the way and him went to work to eat his breakfast.  Then all the noise did wake Tom up so him came down too.  Bertie didn't bark at Tom though, him thought Tom was his best friend and was doing tricks for him and being lovely.  So Mummy and Tom and Bryn got dressed and we all went for a walk.  Katie decided to stay in bed cos her is a lazybum.

When we come back from our walk it was time for Mummy to take Bertie and Missy to their new home.  I was sad cos I love my Mummy so I give her the special look and she say OK you can come too.  So the minihumans did have a big list of instructions and we did all get in the car and go off.  Bertie and Missy did sit in the cage and I sat on Bertie's bed next to the cage.  It was very comfy.  Mummy had to stop at the petrol station and I needed a poo so I stuck my head over her seat and said "Mummy I need the toilet" and her said "I love you too Bessie".  DEAF LUGS.

So I did a poo on Bertie's bed.  Then Mummy said "oh THAT's what you was telling me.  I sorry Bessie" and we did stop and get out so Mummy could clean Bertie's bed.  Then she ask me if I need a poo.  No I say, I already just did one.

So we did go on our big adventure.  We did drive to Leicester on lots of motorways.  We did go on the M4, M5, M42, M6, M69 and M1.  I was getting a bit bored and thinking this wasn't much of an adventure.  Then we did get to the services and Mummy drove in and saw a man with a basset on a lead.  So she waved to him and him comed over and luckily for her it was John, the man from Basset Welfare what she was meeting but had forgotted to ask what him looked like or what car him drives, and not some stranger or her would have gotted herself arrested or something.

So we all got out the car to meet John and his basset, Ozzy.  Ozzy was very friendly, we did all say hello, then we did go for a little walk round the carpark and Mummy and John was chatting and we all had a good sniff and then Mummy did give Bertie and Missy big kisses and say I loves you and Ozzy a little kiss and say I loves you too but her not give John a kiss or tell him she loves him.  I think this was a little rude of Mummy, her needs to work on her social skills.  Then we did wave bye bye and we get in the car and we go on another adventure.  We go to meet Jefferson!  Hurray!

We did drive to Jefferson's house and get out the car and Jeffersonmummeezellen comes to meet us and her is very nice and lovely and pretty and then Jefferson and Alf and Bumble did come to the door and shout hello and I did feel shy and not want to go in but then I smelled cake so I did go in and I meeted the cat, him a nice cat.  And I was allowed to sit on the settee and Mummy and Jeffersonmummeezellen and Jeffersondaddeezdarren all drinked tea and ate cake and talked about us and stuff and we dogs did have dentastiks and Jefferson did do rolypolies on the rug and Alf wanted cuddles but then him did not want cuddles and them him wanted cuddles.  Mummy did like him very much.  Mummy did like everybody very much, them is all a lovely family and we loves to meet our friends and we think Jefferson is very handsome and funny and Bumble is very sweet and tiny and looks just like Lotty and Alf is lovely and not as scary as we thought him would be and we did love Jeffersonmummeezellen and Jeffersondaddeezdarren.

But then it was time to go home and Jeffersonmummeezellen gived me a present and a present for Katie for her birthday and we did take some photos and have cuddles and then we has to get in the car and we did go back over all the motorways except there was even more on the way back cos we did go on the M50 too so we didn't have to pay £6 for the bridge.  We did stop at the services on the way home and we went for a little walk then Mummy bought a big mac and her asked for no cheese and when she picked it up it did completely fall apart so now we know why you need cheese in a big mac.  And the lettuce was brown.  We did share it, it was OK.

When we got home everybody was happy to see us and I shared my presents and we looked at the photos and Mummy sent a message to the lady what is looking after Bertie and Missy to see how they is and they is fine.  And then we did go to bed cos we was so tired after our big adventure.

How Lotty broke her zip. By Bessie.

So last night mummy, after saying she was going to have an early night, stayed up til 1am watching the Olympic opening ceremony.  She finally came to bed, turned the light off then says "What's that godawful smell?"  and turns the light back on.

She starts sniffing round the room then traces the smell to Lotty's belly where there is a puddle of sticky goo spreading across the clean sheets.  Mummy turns her over to look and she has managed to pull open the scar from where she was spayed 2 months ago and there is an open wound oozing pus and blood (sorry, you is not eating is you?).  So she goes off on a search for something to cover it til she can get Lotty to the V E T.  Well there was nothing in the cupboard under the bath where she keeps plasters and bandages.  Nothing in the cupboard in the kitchen where she keeps the calpol and the birthday candles (ooh we need 13 of them to stick in the cheesecake later).  Nothing in the glovebox of the car where the first aid box is supposed to live but isn't there.  To be honest, it could be anywhere the way those humans tidy up these days.  Mummy found all Katie's birthday money in her knicker drawer and the cable for the laptop hanging up in Daddy's wardrobe this afternoon.  Then, while Mummy was sat in the front seat of her car, in the garage, at 1.30 in the morning in her underwear, she spied the first aid box on the shelf in the garage where Daddy keeps the jump leads and stuff.  But she couldn't reach it cos it was round the passenger side where nobody needs to get in.  So she had to go back in the kitchen, get the car keys to turn the ignition on so the window would open, then climb out the window and onto the shelf (remember Mummy is in her underwear, you has to keep that image in your head) then she grabbed the first aid box and went back up to bed.  There was what appeared to be a huge padded plaster pad thingy which is exactly what she was looking for so she woke Daddy up to help, rolled Lotty onto her back and took the plaster out of the wrapper.  Only it turned out it wasn't a plaster, it was just a gauze pad.  So then she had to go back downstairs to find the bandage that the human V E T gave Mummy when she sprained her wrist and a roll of tape.  Then Daddy helped her to put the gauze over the open wound and wrap the bandage round Lottys tummy and tape it in place.  Of course within 30 seconds she had wriggled about so much the bandage had completely moved so Mummy had to put Lotty under the duvet with her and hold her all night.  So Mummy got approximately zero sleep for the second night running.

Then Katie came in at 7am cos it is her birthday today.  Her is 13.  Normally she likes to sleep in as late as possible but her was very excited so she woke the other minihumans up and we all watched her open her presents.  She did get new Vans and some clothes and a nerf gun from us and a t-shirt that says I heart bassets and some money from Grandma and Grandad and money from everyone else so her bought minecraft with some it.  This is some computer game her likes.  And tomorrow her going to buy some clothes.

Anyway, the V E T opens at 8 so Mummy phoned them dead on 8 and they said come now, so all the humans did jump up out of bed and throw them clothes on and jump in the car.  Lotty didn't have to sit in the boot like we normally do.  She was allowed to sit on Mummy's lap so she didn't lick her wound any more.  I am never allowed to sit on Mummy's lap in the car.  Not fair.  When them got to the V E T Mummy carried Lotty in and Mr Ian did take them in to his room and look at Lotty's tummy and him got a staplegun out and him tried to staple Lotty's tummy.  The minihumans was upset cos it was all a bit horrific so them waited outside.  Then Mr Ian had to go and get one of the other V E Ts to help hold Lotty down.  Her had My Little Ponys tattoed on both feeties.  I must tell Tom about that, her will probly become his dream lady.  So Mummy, Daddy and the Pony V E T lady holded Lotty down and Mr Ian stapled her tummy.  Mummy and Daddy was sad for Lotty cos her did have to be stapled and they was worried it was not a good idea but Mr Ian is a good V E T so him must know what him doing.  Then the Pony V E T put a cone on Lotty cos Carly's cone was far too big and gave Lotty some aunty bionics and said Mummy could pay next week when they go back to have the staples removed and them come home.  Mummy and Daddy not sure them staples is going to hold, them think Lotty might have to have another hoperation but them hope not.

When them come home we was all discussing what we going to do today for Katie's birthday when the phone did ring and it was the estate agent asking if someone can come this afternoon.  So of course we say yes cos we think it very important to let peoples come and view whenever they want even if it inconvenient for us.  We got the rest of our lives to go out having fun, we has to sell our house soon though this is very urgent now.  So Mummy comes off the phone and shouts GET TIDYING THEY'RE COMING!  So the humans do tidying for 3 hours then the minihumans and me and Carly go out for walk.  Normally Lotty comes too and they hide all the pet stuff but today cos Lotty is poorly her got to stay home.  Mummy says she thinks this may have worked out well for 2 reasons.  Firstly cos if the house smells of dog the people will say afterwards "the dog smelt", whereas if there was no dogs in the house and the house smelled of dog, the people will go away and say "the house smelt".  And secondly, they was a young couple and they commented about how nice it would be if they had a baby and a dog and they could go for a walk down the park.  So we think maybe meeting puppy helped to sell them the dream.  We not know, maybe we talking cobblers.  We wait and see...

Then the people did say the house was very nice and them asked all the right questions what people haven't asked before, like is you leaving the curtains and is the neighbours nice and what is the schools like and does the pub do food.

After them gone we come home and Mummy made salad and us doggies had a sleep.  Tonight the humans going out for dinner for Katie's birthday.  I hope Mummy has a shower first, her is stinky.  I saw her cleaning the rim of the toilet without rubber gloves earlier.

Thank you Mitt Romney for making us all a little bit more patriotic. By Sam

So I was totally bored by all this Olympic talk.  Bored of sport talk.  Bored of overpriced merchandising.  You know that you can't buy anything unless it's official.  Even cake shops have been told to remove their patriotic team GB cupcakes.  No you must buy an official team GB cupcake for £2.50 (probably).  And the sight of Princess Kate in her team GB polo shirt.  Bloody hell, the Queen didn't turn up to the jubilee party in an official jubilee crown (well she could have if she wanted, that was probably a moot point but I'm on a roll).

Bored of the Olympics taking over the TV listings and it hasn't even started yet.  Bored of the opening ceremony that seems to have been designed to make us look like a nation of bumpkins.  Still, the bloke directing the whole thing also did Trainspotting so it could be a lot worse.

And then there's the disaster with the South/North Korean flags.  Well you shouldn't laugh but it was tragically funny.

By the way I interrupt this rant to say I'm watching the opening ceremony right now and been racking my brains trying to think what it reminds me of.  And it's just come to me.  EUROVISION!  You know the crappy bits they play in between the acts so you don't have to watch them adjusting their bra straps and pumping up the tyres on their unicycles.

Anyway, as I was saying... what was I saying?  Oh yes, the football last night.  Ably demonstrating why football should not be an olympic sport.  The players all pushing and shouting and squaring up to each other.  Very sportsmanlike I'm sure.

And why does Bradley Wiggin from Wiggin wear those Amos Brierly sideburns?  Maybe they are his go faster stripes?  They must work anyway.  I might get some.

(Ooh hang on, they have redeemed themselves.  SHIREHORSES!  They have shirehorses in the stadium!  I absobloodylutely love shirehorses.  I would have one as a pet and let it sleep on my bed if I thought I could get away with it...)

And there's Boris Johnson's new haircut.  Do you think he did it himself with a pair of safety scissors?  And the special Olympic lanes in London.  So to get this straight, the normal traffic is allowed to use the bus lanes and the Olympic traffic uses the Olympic lanes?  Why not save some money and make the bus lanes into the Olympic lanes?  Was that too obvious?

BUT then something happened that changed my entire outlook on the whole thing.  Mitt Romney!  I think he was paid by the Olympic committee to say all that garbage.  Cos there's nothing guaranteed to make a country patriotic than being slagged off by another country (I know he doesn't speak for the entire US nation...does he???)  Anyway I didn't half laugh when he had to meet up with David Cameron the next day.  Backpeddle?  I'll say!

So at the end of the day, I'm donning my team GB tracksuit, eating my Big Mac, the food of Olympians, washed down with a ice cold Coke, the drink of Olympians while typing my blog on my Acer laptop, the computer of Olympians.  All of which I paid for with my Visa card, the payment choice of Olympians.

Come on Team GB!

Barf, birthdays and playdates. By Bessie.

We is still on our barf diet.  Today for tea we had chikin mince, pilchards and a puree of carrots, apple, pear and banana.  And for pudding we had a chikin wing.  Mummy wanted us to split up while we was eating our wings so we not fight so Katie had to watch Lotty.  Well she was crunching on the bones and Katie was retching.  It was very funny.  Her wishes we was all vegetablists like her.  But she had scrambled egg on toast for tea and we not fancy that.

Mummy went to Tesco and bought loads of foodies that was reduced price and she did put all the veggies through the blender and put them in little jelly moulds in the freezer.  She made pots of brocolli, cauliflower, cabbage & leek, and apple pear and banana.  I think that one might be my favourite.  And we is going to have a little bit with our meaties every day.  And her bought a big tray of chikin wings to freeze.  But we was being good girls so she said we could all have one tonight.

It's Katie's birthday tomorrow.  Her is going to be 13.  Daddy say at some point during the night her going to  turn into a teenage monster and storm into the bedroom to tell us all how much she hates us.  I not know what we going to do for her birthday yet.  I think the humans probly go out for dinner and her probly want to go shopping to spend her birthday money.

Last night it was very hot.  Lotty was pacing round the bedroom all night.  Mummy needed to sleep cos she had to leave for work at 6.50am and she thinks she did get about half an hour sleep in the end, what with Lotty pacing and this big hairy black fly sitting on her every few minutes and all the mosquitoes buzzing round the room biting everybody.  Anyway her says she is going to have a early night after her helped me write this and we has watched the Olympic opening ceremony (which by the way so far is a little bit lamo).  Lotty is pacing again, I think her needs to go for a walk, her needs more exercise than me and Carly.

The night before last Lotty had a playdate with Alfred, he is the baby basset I told you about who lives round the corner.  His mummy came round to ask for some advice so mummy took Lotty round to see what he was like with other bassets cos him not know any other bassets.  Well, they played and played.  And his humans was a bit nervous and they kept asking if they were ok, and mummy say it ok they just playing.  After a while though Lotty had enough and she jumped onto the window ledge so mummy say it time to go and Lotty and Alfred had a little kissy and they came home.   Mummy looking out for a older girl basset to keep him company

Nudey neighbours, bassety neighbours and barf. By Bessie.

I did forget to tell you.  The other day Mummy was sat on the settee talking on the phone when the man across the road suddenly appeared in his bedroom window STARK NAKED.  She did not know where to put her face.  CURTAINS PLEASE MISTER!

Anyway Katie has been talking to the people in our street who has a baby basset.  His name is Alfred and he is 9 months old.  Me not know if Katie did convince them this or if they decided themselves but now they wants a rescue basset too.  So we will find them one.  They probably not want one of the 6 year olds we have waiting to be rehomed though.

We has had hot weather for 3 days on the run.  We is very happy.  Horace has been sleeping outside, he likes to sleep under the lavender bush when the weather is warm.  We went to the park yesterday, we had a picnic.  Then we went for a walk round the lake and saw some baby swans.  We not go near them though cos swans is evil.  Today we went down our castle.  We couldn't go down there all weekend cos there was a VW festival and you had to pay to get in.

We has started on a BARF diet.  This means Bones and Raw Food or Biologically Appropriate Raw Food, depending where you read it but it basically means we don't eat manufactured dog food, we has raw food and bones.  Well Carly has been on it for about 6 weeks and she has done so well Mummy decided we will all start it.  All us dogs that is.  So since Friday we have raw chicken with pilchards and raw veggies and we can have raw chicken bones for treats.  So far we is all loving it, normally I quite a picky eater, especially on Monday mornings.  I don't know why, I just never feel like eating on a Monday morning, so I don't.  Mummy did mess up at first cos she wasn't mashing the veggies small enough and they was coming out in big lumps at the other end.  Haha.

Well this morning was going to be the big test.  Mummy started preparing the foodies and I was jumping and barking with Lotty and Carly for my breakfast.  And then I wolfed it down, I loved it.  RESULT!  Monday morning foodies is good!

Just some random thoughts. By Bessie

We noticed looking at the blog that most posts haven't been viewed by anyone.  This is OK, it's not like we writed a novel and nobody wants to buy it.  We just going to keep on writing our inane nonsense and eventually someone will be interested enough to read it.

We did think we would tell you, the imaginary viewer a little bit about usselves today.  There is me, Bessie, I am a basset hound.  I am supposed to be 5 but Mummy does think maybe the RSPCA told a little fib and actually I'm 97.  I don't remember how old I is.  I like to sleep mostly.  Sometimes I stand in the window and bark at people passing the house.  I don't like people passing the house.  It makes me cross.  I am forced to go on walks twice a day with my humans.  I don't really enjoy this, it's hard work.  Sometimes we go on long walks with other basset hounds from the walking club but not very often.  I don't mind these walks, they is quite fun.

I has 2 basset sisters.  Their names are Carly and Lotty.  Carly is 3.  She used to live at the puppy farm but she got rescued by Miss Sylvia from Many Tears  Rescue.  Miss Sylvia is an angel, we do love her.  Carly was very very thin when we gotted her.  She couldn't walk and she was scared of everybody.  Now she is good fun, we do like to snuggle up together.  Carly has bad skin and she is allergic to lots of things but now we spent a bazillion pounds finding out what she is allergic to so she is not so bad and she doesn't have to wear a cone all the time any more.

Lotty is 2.  She was brought in to us as a owner surrender to Basset Hound Welfare.  Mummy is one of their reps and Lotty was supposed to get rehomed but we decided to keep her in the end cos we love her so much.  This makes us foster failures.  Lotty is teeny tiny and very silly.  She loves to playfight and howl and run all over.  She likes running and jumping and muddy puddles.  I don't think she even realises she is a basset hound.  We can't wait to take her on her first big basset walk, she will love to meet all our friends.

I did come from the RSPCA.  I was brought in the week before Christmas in 2010.  I used to make lots of babies to make someone lots of money but they decided they didn't want me anymore.  I met my new family on Christmas Eve 2010.  It was love at first sight.  I came home for good on 5th January 2011 and I has stayed here ever since.  Every night I sleep under the duvet with Mummy with my head on her pillow.  Lotty sleeps by Mummy's feet and Carly snuggles with Daddy.

And then there is Mummy.  She is a human.  She works in a office sometimes and sometimes she stays home and looks after us and sometimes she does work for Basset Hound Welfare but she only gets paid when she is working in a office.  Not our office at home where Spicy the cat did a wee and it smells bad ALL the time.  Mummy's office is in a warehouse.  It is dirty and smelly.  Once we all went there on a Sunday and the boss was not there so we did eat all the biscuits out of the biscuit tin and the minihumans ate all the chocolates out of the chocolate box.

We is trying to sell our house at the moment so Mummy is pretty obsessed with that at the moment.  We has people coming to view it sometimes but nobody has wanted to buy it yet.  This makes us sad cos we has seen 2 houses we want to buy.  We don't know which we want most cos they is both good but if we don't sell our house soon they will both be gone and then we will have nowhere.

When we is not shouting at people or stressing about keeping the house tidy and covering up bad smells we like to talk to our friends on facebook.  We has lots of friends there.  There is lots of bad people and sometimes they is so horrible that we think about leaving, Mummy has even closed her account a few times.  But we would miss our friends too much so we will stay til we get thrown off for being naughty bridge dwelling corpulent trolls.

We also has other people in our family.  There is Daddy, he sells engineering plastic.  I think this is his job not his hobby.  He has a bicycle but I never seen him ride it.  He likes to go swimming, eat toblerones and say silly things.  Not necessarily all at the same time.  

We has 3 minihumans, they are age 19, 12 (13 next week) and 11 (last week).  The biggest minihuman does go to college.   He likes to go to college cos it means he doesn't have to get a job.  When he is not at college he plays on his Xbox and takes us for walks.  The middle minihuman doesn't go to school.  Her didn't get expelled.  Mummy took her out cos the school is horrid and full of bullies.  Now she goes to a place where she gets tutored one to one.  She does like this much better.   Littlest minihuman finished primary school yesterday.  If we hasn't moved house by 2nd September he is going to have to go to the horrid school that Katie was removed from.  This is not good but it looks like it is going to happen.  

We also has other pet siblings.  Spicy the cat is 15 1/2.  She hates us dogs and is always getting us into trouble.  She sits on the shed roof and taunts us so we bark.  Then Daddy comes out and shouts.  He only shouts at us, he always takes Spicy's side.  She is really quite evil but Mummy says she is a little old lady and we has to be more tolerant cos old people can be a bit bad tempered sometimes.

Lyndsey is a bunny rabbit.  She is almost 9.  She is quite cute, she is a very fast runner.  We are not allowed to chase her cos she is a little old lady too.

Horace is a tortoise, him is 5.  He has a girlfriend called Daisy, she is a Pug.

Finny the newt was rescued from a pet shop, they wanted to get rid of him so they could use the tank to keep stingrays so they let us have him for free.  They never did get the stingrays.  Good job really, the tank was nowhere near big enough.

And finally there is all the fish.  Jedediah is my favourite, he is a pleccypotomus.  Mummy's favourite is a ghost koi called Krypto.

And that's us really. We is not very interesting, Bessie and Mummy but we has fun and we likes to waffle.

The strange things we eat when we has run out of food. By Bessie

Today for breakfast we had:

half a cup of raw chicken mince
a spoonful of pilchards
carrots
boiled potatoes
and grated cheese

It was delicious

Other things we has had put in our bowls when mummy has forgotten to go to the shop:


Tuna
Sardines
Broccoli
Pasta
Rice
Scrambled Egg
Toast
Cat food (!)
Bagel
Tortilla
Mashed or baked potatoes

As you can see from the very long list mummy really is quite useless at remembering to go to the shop.

What is wrong with our house allegedly. By Sam

Every time someone comes to view our house we get a call from the estate agent the next day to tell us what they thought of it.  It's hard not to take the comments personally when it's your home they are slagging off but I am trying to be cool about it.  This is the response so far:

1.  Never actually made it to the house, arrived early and decided to look round the village first.   At which point they turned round and went home.  Can't say I blame them.  Shame they never bothered to come and see the house though.  We're not in the centre.  We're in the nice bit.

2.  They loved it and we were on a short list.... Never heard from them again.

3.  They liked the house but the drive was too small.  To be honest you can see the size of the drive from the photo, it wasn't taken with a wide angle lens.

4.  They loved the house.  They had others to view but they didn't even want to go and see them, this is perfect, this is the one... they put an offer in on a different house the very next day.

5.  They thought the kitchen was too small.    I actually have no reponse... other than to say I have no response

The colour purple. By Bessie

well it has rained like every day for the last week so we has not been out much.

It was Bryn minihuman's birthday on Friday.  He had to go to school on his birthday which he wasn't impressed with but then the humans went to the beefeater for tea.  We wasn't invited cos apparently we would be a nuisance in the beefeater.

We had some more people come to view our house on Saturday.  Them did say they loved it and they had sold their house and they had to go and view 2 more houses but they didn't even want to go to them cos they loved our house so much.  So we is all excited and we think this is it, we is going to sell our house.  And the minihumans wanted to go into town so they could spend Bryn's birthday money but the big humans say we stay home and wait for the estate agent to call.  But then the minihumans had a massive sulk so the big humans compromised and said they could go to town on Sunday and somehow mummy got conned into agreeing to go to Burger King AND Starbucks.

Anyway the estate agent didn't phone and the humans went to town to spend the birthday money.  Katie wanted to give Bryn a make over so she took him to the hairdressers and got him a Justin Bieber haircut and then they went to Superdry and bought a hoody with his birthday money.

And then mummy was choosing a top for Grandad's birthday meal when the estate agent phoned and said the people had put an offer in on a different house.  Then mummy was sad, and a bit cross and she put the top back what she'd picked and went and sat on a bench and sulked.  Then they went to Starbucks but that didn't make mummy happy either so they came home and cuddled us instead.

On Monday it was Grandad's 80th birthday.  The humans was going to Grandad's birthday meal at Uncle Nick's house in Barkingshire.  So the big humans took us for a "long" walk first.  Except it was raining very much and I didn't want to go for a walk.  So when we got to the point where we could either turn round and come home or carry on to the castle I sat down.  Daddy wanted to carry on, mummy wanted to go home and I wanted to sit down and wait for daddy to either carry me or go and get the car.  In the end mummy won and we walked home.  But I was mostly dragged.

Then the humans went out and left us and Aunty Sally came in after it had stopped raining and took us for another walk.  When the humans got back it was bedtime so we had a quick run round the garden and shouted at the cat for a bit then went to bed and had cuddles.

On Tuesday we had more people come to view the house.  mummy has given up being optimistic so when we come back from our walk and asked how it went her said it was ok and that was all.  It was flooded down the castle and I found an underwater horsey poo to roll in.  This was very fun til we got home and I had to have a bath in the garden.  But then afterwards mummy wrapped me in a pink towel and cuddled me like a baby and she said I smelled lovely of purple shampoo and my fur was soft so I got lots of cuddles so maybe baths isn't too bad after all.

How we nearly killed an evil old lady. By Bessie.

Mummy got us all out of bed at 7.45 because someone was coming to view the house at 1.  This is very silly and very mean I think.  But then after one minihuman had gone to proper school and one minihuman had gone to pretend school and we had our breakfast we were allowed back in bed so mummy could springclean (it's July mummy silly) the kitchen cupboards without us climbing in and sitting on everything.  We don't do this by the way, she says we do but we don't.  Not every time anyway.  Well not for long anyway.

I didn't have a very relaxing sleep.  Carly was scratching  and Lotty was chewing her toenails and the bed was shaking.  Then we heard Mrs next door having a delivery from the Asda man and he was making lots of noise banging his crates and slamming doors so we shouted SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP.

 

Then the TNT man came with Bryn's xbox.  So we ran downstairs to say hello but mummy locked us in the lounge cos she thought we were going to eat him.  There was a note in the box that said they had mended it but when Tom turned it on it still isn't working so we think maybe it is the power cable that's broken cos they told us not to send that in with the xbox.  So we has to get a new power cable now from somewhere to see if that's what's wrong with it.

Then Katie came back from pretend school and her and Tom took us out for a walk cos mummy was getting cross with Lotty and Carly play fighting on the hall floor that she had just mopped.  It rained while we was out and we did get quite wet.  We went down the village and apparently we nearly tripped an old lady up.  We would have said sorry except she decided to shout to the entire village "look at that, she nearly knocked me over, I could have been killed" and she got all the people around her muttering and giving Katie and Tom dirty looks.  Mummy said it's a good job she wasn't there or she wouldn't have just been nearly killed.  Mummy gets very over protective when people disrespect her family, she like one of them gangland mums, or a lioness.

When we comed home we had a nap on the settee and then it was time for tea and after tea me and Lotty had a dentastik and Carly had a tripe stick and then we watched Eastenders.  We only watch it every couple months cos it's so depressing and rubbish.  But every time we watch it that Cat woman is sleeping with another man.  She is a bad bad lady I think.

Another viewing! By Sam.

Today we had another viewing.  Our second.  We don't count the woman who drove all the way from Devon, saw the rest of the village and turned round and went home.  Apparently she never even got as far as our house.  Must remember to tell the estate agent to direct people in from the other direction.

I have finally cracked the one hour warning though!  The house was clean, tidy and (hopefully) fresh smelling and I even had time to go and brush my hair.

I don't know if he liked it (the house, not my hair), he only stayed 7 minutes, but then said he already felt like he knew the house inside and out cos he'd looked at the photos on the internet so many times.

After yesterdays scare about the cottage being sold we decided we had to have a back up plan so we looked on rightmove and found a couple of houses to view.  We went to see one last night.  It was OK but too close to the motorway, a busy stretch of a busy motorway too and the noise would have driven us crazy. 

Anyway we begrudge paying an extra £30K for a house that needs redecorating when we have spent so much money making ours perfect for someone to just move straight in and enjoy.  We have watched loads of property programmes and followed all the advice.  Think about your market.  Who would your house appeal to and make it look like the kind of house they would like to live in.  Hide the clutter, hide the pet stuff and depersonalise it.  We've done all that.  The man who came today was a bit late so I had a long chat with our estate agent while we were waiting.  He said our house was immaculate and looked like a show home.  He said some houses he goes to he feels like wiping his feet on the way out; piles of washing everywhere, toys on the stairs, crayon up the walls and dirty plates on the worktop.

So what I want to know is why is our house still on the blummin market then?  It's so frustrating.  All I can think about now is moving.  It's even more important than winning the lottery and I spend far too much time daydreaming about that already.

Complete over reaction? Me? By Sam.

The estate agent phoned yesterday and said the people who came to view the house really liked it but they were looking round a few others before they made their decision.  So I thought I'd better double check the house we want to buy is still for sale just in case.

It's still on rightmove but I don't know how often the estate agent updates their property details.  So I left for work 10 minutes early and made a detour to the village where the cottage is.  The for sale board has gone.  The caravan wasn't in the drive and the cars looked different.

I did the only thing you can do in these circumstances.  I cried.  Like a big baby.  And said to myself, that's it.  I don't care if we sell our house or not.  It doesn't matter any more, it's that house or nothing.

I checked rightmove again.  Still there.  Definitely not the same car in the drive.

I phoned the estate agent, sobbing.  "Is Rose Cottage still for sale?"

IT'S STILL FOR SALE!  The sign fell down in the wind.

Then John says "I remember she had a funny little car, some brightly coloured thing like a daihatsu".
"A lime green japanese car?"   I asked.
"Yeah that's the one", he said.
"That's what was in the drive this morning", I said.

And that is how to blow a nothing into a something into 10 minutes flat.

Moral of this story?  God knows.  Use stronger nails?


Anyway you think I over react?  I heard on the radio yesterday that there was so little sunlight last month that every child in Britain is going to get rickets.

So there you have it.

The moral of the story must be eat more oranges... and use stronger nails.

Put some clothes on. by Bessie

Every night when we do go for our bedtime walk we walk past this one house where a lady is standing on the doorstep in her jammies watching her elderly dog having a poo on the front lawn.  I think the dog might be deaf and blind cos we always say hello but he always ignores us.

Anyway every time we walk past mummy smiles at the lady and gets a dirty look back.  We don't know her, so we can't have offended her.  Last night she was wearing a old lady dressing gown just like the one nanny wears.  Mummy smiled, like she always does and got a dirty look back, like she always does.  As we walked off down the road she came right out onto the street and was standing on the pavement with her arms crossed glowering at us as we walked down the road.

We has thought about this and realised that this lady must own the road.  We didn't know this.  We is going to try and be very polite to this lady cos she must be very rich to own the road.

Where is our stuff? By Sam

the morning after the massive tidy up/throwing things in cupboard session.   This is where we found all our stuff:

Wellies and poo bags in the cupboard under the fishtank.
Bryn's dirty washing in the drawer with his clean clothes.
All the clean washing and a pile of bank statements in the bottom of the wardrobe, upside down and screwed up.
Bryn's school uniform and lunch box (with half a pork pie in it) in the understairs cupboard.
The cat's bowl in the recycling box.

Our first viewing. By Sam

Got a call in work from the estate agent to say could someone come this afternoon to view the house.  So I said they could come at 5 and then phoned the minihumans to get cleaning.  The plan is the house should be clean and tidy enough at all times so we only need one hours notice.  This is the plan, I don't know how many times I have to repeat this to them.  The reality is Katie's room was such a tip it took her all afternoon to tidy that one room while Tom did his in 3 minutes and then Bryn's and then went round dusting and putting things in cupboards for me.  I'll never find anything again ever but ho hum.

I got home at half three and because I was in such a rush to get on with my jobs I didn't give Bess the obligatory fuss she required which resulted in her giving me a Paddington Bear style hard stare for an hour until the minihumans took them all out for a walk so i could hoover and mop the floors.

When the doorbell went and the estate agent was standing there I had managed to do all the cleaning and hiding of most pet related crap.  Ok so the tortoise house was still in the dining room but it's a family home not a showhouse, my home that is not the tortoise.  He doesn't have a family, unless you count his 104 year old parents who don't live with us.  Oh and after they'd gone I found a half eaten tennis ball and a broken rubber chicken sticking out under the settee.

I lit every candle I own (i.e. a hell of a lot of candles), turned all the plug ins up to max (I'll pay for that later when The Flump keeps us up all night scratching) and sprayed febreze on every soft furnishing in the house.  Trouble is, I know the house probably smells houndy but I a) like the smell of my hounds and b) don't actually notice anymore.  I probably smell houndy.  It doesn't bother me, in fact it's helpful for my enochlophobia (that's a fear of crowds to save you a trip to Mr Google).    Anyway, back to the story.  I know my house smells houndy so I overcompensate.  People are probably more repelled by the smell of clean linen, satsuma, christmas (whatever the hell that's supposed to smell like), cookies, mangoes, vanilla, lilies and apples.  I think that pretty much covers the collection of air freshener and candle fragrances fighting with each other.

After all that, you know how long the people viewed the house for?  9 minutes.  At the end the estate agent asked them if they wanted to look round on their own and they said no thanks and off they went.  I think that means they hated it.  When we went to view our dream home we were there for about an hour.  We went round the house 3 times, the kids had a glass of coke, we picked where we would put every piece of furniture and who would have what bedroom.  

I went through the list of what might put them off:  looked up and down the street, every car was in it's own drive and not up on the pavements or in the flower beds.  Rottiebeater's rubbish had finally been taken from said flower bed (if you put a soiled dog bed, 2 soiled pillows and 4 binbags in the communal flower bed 10 days before the binmen come then that is flytipping in my book).  Checked the garden, yep I got every last turd up.  Then realised I'm pontificating again.  Leave it.  The first person to view your house isn't going to be the one who buys it.

So back to the real world.  Bessie.  She came back from her walk.  Even more angry with me because I didn't come with her AND she got wet and muddy.  Bessie is a princess, she doesn't do wet and muddy.  So she did a wee.  Right in the middle of the kitchen floor.  She waited til I was looking her in the eye first.  Part of me was impressed.  I like a girl who knows how to set up a good revenge attack and she must have been holding that in for hours, it was like a lake.

Now she's asleep with her head on my lap.  Tomorrow when I come in from work I will be sure to give her the long cuddle she expects and in return I expect not to have to use an entire kitchen roll cleaning up after her reprisal.

Daddy's lady helmet by Bessie

When daddy was choosing cycle helmets, the others wandered off to look at more interesting stuff, they didn't find it, they were in Halfords.  When they came back he had this on his head.

"What the hell.." shouted Mummy
"I think I'll get this one" said Daddy
"It's a ladies helmet" said Mummy
"No it's not" said Daddy
"It's sparkly lilac and it says Bella on it" said Mummy

At that point Daddy got cross and they left.  As they were leaving Tom asked Daddy "how can you expect the children to wear their helmets when you won't wear one?"
"I'll just take my bike back to the shop", muttered Daddy.
Yes he was sulking cos he wasn't allowed to buy a ladies helmet.

Luckily he did get one, in Tesco and it wasn't lilac...or pink... or sparkly.

Dishwashers, helmets and other exciting things. By Sam

Today we went out and bought:

A new dishwasher to replace the Smeg that has finally died after 12 years.  The one we bought is pretty much identical to the other.  Yes, we have no imagination.

A cycle helmet for Johnny.  He had to try at least 10 on before he found one that didn't make the rest of us wet ourselves laughing.  Funnily enough he didn't want the barbie horn and basket we chose for him.  Weirdo.

All the ingredients to make fajitas for tea.  But then stopped at McDonalds on the way home so they will have to wait for tomorrow now.