Subway. Your way...not quite. By Bessie.

Mummy's boss offered to buy everyone a Subway sandwich for lunch.  So Mummy asks for meatballs with no cheese on white bread, nothing spicy, peppery or oniony.

When the sandwiches come the peoples at Subway has written everybody's name on the wrappers.  Mummy is a bit busy so she finishes what she doing then she opens her sandwich.  This is what was in the wrapper:  Steak and cheese on brown bread, jalapenos, peppers, red onions and chilli sauce.  So her asks who has the meatball sandwich and somebody else has already eaten it.

The sandwich is in the fridge at work.  If you want it you is more than welcome.

Lots of rain. By Bessie

Today it rained.  It rained all day.  Very heavy.  It took my humans an hour and a half to drive the 12 miles home.  They got 3/4 of the way home, driving really slowly cos the water was so deep, until they got to a point where they could see a truck up ahead up to its bonnet in water.  Then they turned back and tried a different route.  But that was blocked by a police car parked up to its doors in a puddle.  So they turned back again and went a different route.  They did get home but them got stuck in lots of traffic cos there was big deep puddles what everybody had to drive through and the whole world was going the same way.

Then Mummy and Katie took us to Miss Judith to have our nails done.  Me and Lotty didn't like it.  Carly did.  Then we came home and had tea.  We had pilchards, potato, scrambled egg and gravy.  The humans had steak pie and roast tatties and green beans and gravy.


Ooh I almost forgot, this morning Daddy phoned minihumans school to ask a question about Bryn's trip to Paris.  The lady on reception said she would phone back.  When she phoned back Mummy answered and the lady said "Is that Mr Morgan?"  And Mummy said, "No, I'm a woman"  haha.

We still haven't had our years supply of potato wedges off mr mccains yet. *tuts loudly*

fallovers, makeovers and sleepovers. By Bessie

So much has happened.  Where do me start?  So on Thursday it very icy.  Mummy drives all the minihumans to school.  She drops littlest minihumans as close as she can to school and says "Be careful".  But her can't get to the school what biggest minihuman works at cos it on a steep hill.  So him get out at the bottom of the hill and walk and Mummy says her sorry her can't go any further and him should be extra careful.  Anyway there was a big mountain of snow on the pavement so him goes to step on the road and slips on ice and falls off the kerb.  Him hurt his arm, his face and his bottom.  So he texts Mummy and says he hurt and her asks does he want her to take him to the hospital but him say he be ok.  That evening his arm does swell up and is hurting lots so on Friday morning Mummy does take him to the hospital.

It very busy at the hospital cos lots of people did fall on the ice and hurt themselves.  Mummy says you see all kinds of strange people down the hospital.  In the six hours them was there they seen a white man who thought him was a black rapper, a heavily pregnant woman spending her entire time outside smoking while her mum looked after her other child, a couple what were both wearing hiking boots three sizes too big what made them walk like T-Rexs.  Him was wearing a Russian hat with a soviet badge on it.  Her was dragging a suitcase on wheels which contained - amongst other things - a paperback book entitled "How to stop your doctor from killing you", a glass bottle of water, a box of cakes and a bunch of bananas.  

OH MY GOD I interrupt this to tell you I just pressed something, I don't know what it was but all my text disappeared so I pressed the back button and it said "You have unsaved changes.  Do you want to leave this page?"  And I thought that's not right so I said no, then I found the correct back button and all my text came back again.  Blimey, that was nearly as exciting and scary as that episode of the tweenies where Max dressed up as a prolific paedophile.

Anyway, I was telling you about the strange people down the hospital.  So them got triaged straight away but then had to wait for four hours to see a doctor.  He sent Tom straight to x ray and then them had to go and sit in the waiting room again.  But there was no seats cos it was so busy so them stood by the vending machines and Mummy say her will buy some food and a drink cos them haven't eaten all day and Mummy hasn't taken her tablets.  So first she goes to the machine what sells food and Tom says he'll have a flapjack what is 60p.  So Mummy puts a £1 coin in and the flapjack falls down but lands on top of another flapjack what is balanced on top of the flap what hasn't dropped down.  So Mummy sticks her hand up and shakes the machine and bashes it and presses the money back button but nothing happens.  AND THEN and only then does the woman sat closest to the machine say "That happened to me too.  That's my flapjack underneath".  WELL THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR WARNING US!

So Mummy asks her if she told the receptionist and the woman says there's no point cos they don't own the machines but Mummy goes to the desk anyway and the receptionist says it's not their machine but the man what fills it leaves them an envelope of coins to give refunds, and her gives Mummy her £1 back.  Then  Mummy remember that the flapjack was only 60p so the machine should either give 40p change or have 40p credit but when she checks it looks like the machine stole her money and her flapjack.  Mummy tells the lady sat next to the machine she can ask for her money back too but she doesn't bother.  Tom says her was probably lying and just wanted the flapjack.

Then Mummy goes to the drinks machine and puts the £1 coin in what the receptionist just give her and it threw it back three times so Mummy think that machine must be broken too but then this other person comes in and uses it so it not broken, the £1 must be a fake or something.  If Mummy have a good look it probably say bank of fisher price on it.

Then the doctor call Tom in and show Mummy and Tom the x-ray and him has broken his radius ulna or something or other.  Him says they don't like to put a plaster cast on cos once the fluid has gone down then he has to start trying to keep it mobile.  So a nurse puts this splint thing on instead and then they go to Katie's friend Cerys's house to pick Katie and Bryn up cos them was waiting there and Cerys comes too for a sleepover and them pop to Tesco and them is trying to decide what to have for tea cos Mummy was sposed to go shopping today but didn't get chance, obviously her had more important things to deal with.  But them is so hungry them can't think about cooking so them get a big bag of kibble for me and Lotty and them go to the chip shop for tea instead.

On Saturday Katie and Cerys take Mummy to Cardiff to give her a makeover cos her dresses like a bag of rags/clown/toddler.  Them helps her choose a pink jumper, a green shirt and a new coat.  Katie wants to get some jeans and Mummy wants a skirt so they decide not to get either.    The boy humans go to the cinema to watch the Hobbit.  On the way home Daddy goes over a speedbump and Tom's arm hurts lots.

Today, Sunday, our friends Beau and Bones came for a sleep over.  Them brought their own beds, which we like lots and is sitting on with them.  Them has brought some nice foodies for their tea too, me might try and distract them so me can eat it.  We all did go for a walk together then when we come home we had a play fight and Carly got stuck in the stairgate - again *sighs* Idiot.  Then we had a sleep and Daddy and Katie took Cerys home and then Daddy come home and watched a football match and we sat in the dining room on Beau and Bones's beds and watched Mummy write this for me.

NO I WAS NOT DOING A POO. By Bessie (about Mummy)

So Mummy thinks maybe she will let Katie give her a makeover.  After all, she is 41 now (don't tell her I told you that) and she shouldn't really be walking round in little girls sundresses and Kylie's old knickers (especially in the snow, that's just silly and irresponsible).  I keep telling her, "Mummy, you're not Nicki Minaj".

In other news Mummy needs to buy a new lightbulb for the toilet at work.  They've got an energy saving bulb in there and last night she went for a wee before she went home but she had to wait 5 minutes for the room to light up cos she said she wasn't sitting down till she could see there was nothing on the seat.  Anyway when she come out Steve was hopping from foot to foot outside and him say "I've been waiting ages, was you doing a poo?"  And Mummy shout "NO I WAS WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO COME ON" cos she has never ever done a poo in work and she never would.  Her nervous bowel just wouldn't allow it even if she wanted to.  Then she went back in the office and her boss says, "John is waiting in the car, you've been ages.  Were you having  a poo?" So she screeches again and tells him her going to buy a bulb.  Then she goes out to the car and Daddy sat there revving his engine and she says, "Before you ask..." And him says, "You wasn't doing  a poo?" And her say that no she wasn't doing a poo.

What else?  Last night we was watching Eastenders and Mummy says, "Bugger off Kirsty, nobody likes you.  Not even the viewers".  And Daddy says, "Do they not?"  And Mummy says, "No we don't" And Daddy says him feels sorry for her and her done nothing wrong.  And Mummy shouts at him and says him should be on Tanya's side.  Then in work today Matt says him likes Kirsty and him feels sorry for her so Mummy has to shout at him too.  Then him say his girlfriend shouted at him last night too cos he said that.  These men they just doesn't understand girl politics.

Today in work them had one of the directors to visit, which is annoying cos it means they all has to dress smart; no Dr Marten boots and hoodies.  Mummys boss bringed the director into the office but then him went off to make some tea and the director did come over to Mummy and ask her how were sales compared to this time last year, and her goes "Err Umm I have no idea, that's not really my area".  And him asks "Do you not process all the orders?"  And her thinking oh great, as if I haven't got enough to do now them want me to put everybody else's orders in?  But then Steve what works in the warehouse and was in the office getting some paperwork says "Well we seem to be busier in the warehouse than last January" and then the director starts talking to him instead.  After he gone Mummy say thank you to Steve for rescuing her and him say her looked like a rabbit in headlights and needed saving.  Then their boss did offer to buy everybody a subway roll but Mummy on a diet cos her a big fat heifer so her not want one and Matt went to Subway and bought everyone else a roll but him also bringed back cookies and drinks and her sulked cos her would have liked a cookie and a drink.  Me think her got no real concept of what being on a diet means. There more to it than not saying yes when they ask if you want to go large you know.

In my news, there is no news.  My life is boring.  *sighs*    Carly still not putting any weight on.  Her gets smaller if anything.  Weird.

Coco the clown gets a telling off. By Bessie

So Daddy came home at 4 o'clock on Friday.  The minihumans made a snowman.  We went for a walk in the snow when Daddy came home and then we didn't go anywhere but in the garden for the rest of the weekend.  It was too cold and too icy and Mummy not want one of us to fall and hurt ourselves.

Today all the schools was open again so Daddy took everyone to school and we stayed home with Mummy cos it was her day off.  We went for a little walk, then Mummy rubbed our feeties and our cold tummies and we had a sleep while she wrote some of her book.  Her up to 72000 words now.  Her not sure whether they good words or not but her is enjoying writing it and it keeping her out of mischief.

Mummy went to pick the minihumans up from school and go to Tesco to get some foodies.  There was trolleys all over the place, it look like the trolley collectors was on strike or something.  Them went inside and Mummy want to go in the clothes department to find some wellies for Tom cos him the only human in the family without any.  But them not got any mens wellies.  Then when they is walking through to the foodies Katie says that she needs to give Mummy a makeover and make Mummy dress like someone her own age.  Mummy say "You want to dress me like a granny?"  And Katie say, "No, people your age are fashionable these days".  Then her goes round the shop picking up clothes and Mummy saying no no no don't like it yuck eugh are you joking?  Katie says will she at least buy some jeans?  And Mummy say what wrong with what she wearing?  Katie look her up and down and sigh.  She say "What ARE you wearing?  What is this?  What's with the tights?  You look like a clown."  Mummy very offended but her agrees on one pair of jeans but not the beige top and cardigan.

Then them bought some foodies and come home and made fajitas for tea.  We houndy girls didn't have fajitas.  Me and Lotty had kibble, sardines and gravy.  Carly had meat, tatties and sardines.

STILL NOT PANICKING! By Bessie

So it started snowing sometime in the night.  I got up to go weewees at 2am and it wasn't snowing but Daddy left for work at 5am and there was LOADS of snow.

Daddy say him go at 5 so him get there before it gets really heavy (it already was really heavy) and Mummy say what if it really bad later and him can't get home?  But he says he will worry about that later.  I bet nobody else went to work.  Him probably spent the whole day on his own.

It not stopped snowing all day.  I think it been snowing for about 12 hours so far.  We not been for a walk but we played in the garden and made the snow brown and yellow.

Mummy discovered a great new snack.  Sweet chilli rice crackers dipped in seafood cocktail (to be very specific Special K rice crackers and Tesco seafood cocktail sandwich filler).  I recommend you does try it.  Me and Carly helped Tom eat a packet of space raiders.  Carly not really sposed to eat them cos she lergic but she only had little ones.  Carly would like Mummy to buy Pom Bears next time her goes shopping, she not lergic to them cos they made of potato.

DON'T PANIC! By Bessie

It's snowing.  Daddy said it would snow on Friday, he thinks he's a weatherman.  But it's snowing today, Thursday.  Getting heavy too.  Daddy said all the minihumans should take the day off school even if the schools are open cos the school where littlest minihumans go to and  the school that big minihuman works at are both up steep hills and him not want to have to drive up and pick them up.  Daddy also says he plans to leave for work tomorrow at 6am "to avoid the plebs skidding".  Mummy says he shouldn't call people plebs. Please note Daddy doesn't start work til 8.30 and it's a 20 minute drive.  Daddy will probably go panic buying at Tesco tonight and come home with 36 boxes of lager and a loaf of bread

New Years Resolutions. Hmmm. By Bessie and Sam

We were wondering what New Years Resolution we should make this year that we're not going to keep.  I know you're supposed to do it on New Years Day but we've been thinking about it for three weeks and neither of us can come up with anything.  We can't remember what lasts years were either so we obviously didn't stick to them.

So anyway, here is what we came up with.  A joint resolution:

We are going to spend more time with the people that we love; our family and our real true friends - the ones who were there for us when we needed them.  That's it. Simple.

So there it is.  It's going to be a good year.  We can feel it.

What my humans did at the mall. By Bessie

So this is what some of my humans did today.  Daddy ask Mummy what her wants to do today and her say her doesn't want to do anything so him says them should go window shopping at the mall.  So them ask the minihumans if they want to come but only Katie does so them three goes to the mall.

First them goes to John Lewis and Mummy and Daddy keep saying they will buy stuff and Katie says "Really?"  And they go "No of course not really, we're window shopping".  Katie says we is the only people she knows who still have a big box for a telly and it so embarrassing she can't even invite people to the house.  But Mummy and Daddy just laugh and say they is retro and retro is cool.  Then Mummy and Katie have a nap in a bed and Katie climbs in a cupboard in the display kitchens so Mummy and Daddy run off and hide in the toy department but when Katie finds them she says she knew they were going to do that cos she heard them giggling and running away like toddlers.

Mummy goes to phones 4 U cos her doesn't know how to turn voicemail on her mobile and she keeps missing important calls and the girl asks the man who asks another man who says you has to phone T mobile and it one of the options on the answer thingy.  Well it no wonder her couldn't do it herself, her wasn't looking there.  So anyway her phone has voicemail now for the first time in 13 months instead of a message telling you this phone may be turned off.

Then them went to get some lunch, there was no seats at any of the tables so Mummy did sit on a bench while Daddy and Katie went to get the food.  Daddy said Mummy should lie across the bench so nobody can sit down but her say she not doing that, that's silly.  Anyway she sits right in the middle of the bench but this woman comes over and sits RIGHT next to her but facing the opposite way so Mummy says, very politely, "I'm actually saving these seats for my family".  But the woman completely ignores and starts eating her happy meal.  Please note:  Happy meals are for children, not grown women.  Mummy not know if it cos she deaf or rude (or both).

Then Daddy and Katie come back and Daddy pulls a face at the woman's back and Mummy shrugs and says "Obviously stone deaf" in a whisper over 50 fields.  Then Daddy sits down and Katie sits on the floor cos the woman nicked her seat and Mummy says a very loud comment about sorry her did try and save Katie a seat but some people are pig ignorant.  Then Daddy does what he calls a Bessie and slowly edges the woman off the bench by getting closer and closer into her personal space (what she did steal off us in the first place).  And she keeps turning round and giving him dirty looks.  Some people are so cheeky.

The estate agent phones when them is eating and her says the people yesterday really liked the house but they is not proceedable - this means they hasn't sold their house yet apparently - but when they is they is going to come for a second viewing.  This made us happy cos even though them didn't buy the house yet and they probably won't, at least it means someone likes it.   It very demoralising when all the feedback you get is negative stuff.

After thems lunch Daddy did buy a shirt from Next and Katie and Mummy did say them would help him choose some clothes that didn't make him look like a Grandad having a mid life crisis.  But them couldn't find any.  Mummy wanted to get him a stripy jumper and a body warmer but Katie said he looked like Where's Wally.  Katie wanted him to get a hoody but Mummy said he looked like a mugger.  So them got nothing.

Them went in the Disney Store cos Mummy likes to see if there is any new Finding Nemo merchandise but she already had every Nemo thing in the shop.  Katie say she would like a baby brother or sister so they could have some Disney stuff but her didn't want Mummy to have a baby cos that would be disgusting.  And Mummy ask is that cos she too old to have a baby or because if she was pregnant everybody would know her and Daddy still did it?  Anyway this man walking past must have heard cos him was laughing his pants off and Katie mortified that Mummy said "did it" in public - in the Disney Store at that.

Them went in H&M to look at the clothes in the sale and Katie and Daddy was doing a dance routine (like you do?) and then Katie realised one of her teachers was stood watching her.  haha.  Her says that is awks.  Me not know what that means, me not speak the teen lingo.

Anyway that's what my humans did today.  Mummy not buy anything, Katie not buy anything, Daddy buy a shirt and a McDonalds.

Very tidy. By Bessie

On Tuesday Mummy was driving round with the petrol light flashing.  So her went to Tesco on the way home from work but the petrol station was shut and she said she refuse to pay Texaco prices and what with the Texaco being the only other one around her say her rather do without.  Then Wednesday her never uses her car cos her goes into work with Daddy.  So her says her will get some petrol on the way home from work on Thursday.  But they got visitors and one person off sick in work so her ends up leaving late cos her has too much to do, then getting stuck in the school traffic from all the annoying parents who use the industrial estate as a short cut so her not got time to get petrol before her goes to get the minihumans from their school.  By the time her got them and driven back to Tesco the poor car is juddering all over the place cos it so thirsty.  Mummy practically rolls it into the petrol station and her does a big cheer cos she made it.  Silly Mummy.

Today we had a viewing on the house.  Mummy spends all morning cleaning and we do lots of helping by testing the comfiness of the new duvet cover (very comfy) and the bounciness of minihumans beds (very bouncy) and the barkiness of the lounge window (very barky).

Me interrupt this to remember this article we did read about writing what did say you should never say very, there is always a better word to use instead.  So we is trying to think of words that mean:
- very comfy
- very bouncy
- very barky

We do give up.  Maybe we is just not cut out for literary greatness.  We should leave it to the experts; like Enid Blyton.

Anyway, so we helps lots and then Mummy says we has to go and sit in the car.  So we do but then her goes back inside and hoovers the hall.  Her must have forgotted we was going for a ride so we do shout her.  We have to shout very loud cos Mummy quite deaf when her is hoovering.  Mainly cos she likes to sing 80s soft rock ballads while she is hoovering for some strange reason, although her was singing Milli Vanilli at one point today.  It was very loud and very awful and the back door was open.

Eventually her remembers her has left her three best girls in the car and her comes out and we goes for a drive.  Except we doesn't cos her just drives round the corner where her can still see the house, then her gets out and goes back home.  WITHOUT US!  So we shout AGAIN.

Then Mr Geoff, the estate agent, comes and Mummy picks up a poo what someone else did on our lawn and her lets Mr Geoff in and then her comes and sits in the car and sings to us (badly) while we wait.  Mummy we does not like the complete works of Maximo Park, you needs to put some new music in you car.  The people what come to view the house stay for 16 minutes, this quite a long time.  Once someone came and stayed for 6 minutes.  When they gone Mummy is going to go and talk to Mr Geoff but him come out and get in his car and drive off in a hurry before her has a chance so her goes over to see if Aunty Sally wants to come for a cup of tea seeing as the house is clean enough for visitors for once.  But Aunty Sally not in so we does have tea on our own.  Then we goes for a walk then we has a nap then we all go to get the minihumans from school.

Professor D-Ream never did show us Uranus. By Bessie

the estate agent phones yesterday, her never mentions the complete cock up with the people on Sunday but someone else wants to come and view the house on Friday.  Mummy said they can come but only if the estate agent comes to show them round cos Mummy home alone so her needs to take us doggies out.  So Mr Geoff the estate agent is coming.  Mummy not know how this is going to work.  Her never done a viewing when there been no-one to help with us.

Last night we watched the astronomy programme with Mummy's boyfriend in it, Professor D-Ream.  Her was a bit embarrassing and spent most of it making lewd comments.  Me notice lots of you human ladies on the facebum was doing the same thing tut tut. You should all be ashamed of youselves.  Poor Professor D-Ream, I bet him feels violated with all your jokes about seeing the dark side of his moon.  Anyway things what we learned off this programme was:
- Nanny might be right about Brian May and James May, them do look very similar.
- If we put our dining table on Mars we could see it with a telescope (possibly a stronger telescope than the one in Bryn's room).  But Mummy might be cross when she tries to put the dinner out and the table is on Mars.
- Scientists haven't discovered them yet but there could me methane based life forms somewhere.  Ahem, allow me to introduce you to my sister Lotty.  Parp.  Ooh and cows, them is methane based life forms too.

We found a new house we want to buy.  It probably will be sold before we get round to buying it though, it for sale at £285,000 but we looked at the history on Zoopla and it was for sale in 2010 for £575,000.  So some developer will probably buy it and do it up.  Me not blame them, it a bootiful house, least it could be, it a bit fallen to bits at the moment.

UPDATE:  So Mummy phones the estate agent to go and view the house and the girl says you can only view it if you're a cash buyer and that the house in unmortgageable...whatever that means.

What we did for New Year. By Bessie

Oh gosh, we been so busy.  Where do I start?  So on 30th December we all gets up VERY early and gets in the car and drives forever.  When we gets to Ross on Wye we stops to go to the toilet.  We had a wee and then Daddy starts lifting us into the car when all these Chinese people walk past on their way back to their coach.  So they stop and they stroke Lotty and Carly.  Then they see me in the car and they say OOH you got 3 and then they say NO 4!  And Daddy say "No that's a human child".  Then we all laugh at Katie being mistaken for a basset.

When we get to Uncle Jed's hotel for discerning gentledogs and princesses, we go in and the nice girl takes us to our hotel room while Mummy and Daddy fill some forms in.  Then we relax in our hotel room until the servants bring our tea and let us go for a run in the paddock.

At Nanny and Grandads them had a posh dinner and exchanged christmas presents.

In the morning our humans came to get us and we were very pleased to see them and when Daddy opened the boot we all jumped in by ourselves.  Then we drove to George's house.  This took 50 minutes exactly.  When we got there we got out at the top of the road and us doggies and Mummy walked down to George's house and Daddy and the minihumans went in the car and George and Aunty Jayne came out to meet us.  George was wearing a smart red coat, he looked very nice and very handsome.  We was very pleased to meet him after all this time, and Aunty Jayne too of course.  So Aunty Jayne invited us in and we went in and met Winston and Uncle Hudad.  Winston was very cute and him and Lotty did running up and down the stairs and all around and Lotty knocked a ornament over with her waggy tail but it OK it not broked.  Then her got a bit excited and did a few wees.  That was norty.  Then we went in the kitchen and borrowed a quiche.  It was nice.  Mummy was very cross though, she said we had no right to borrow a quiche and she was ashamed of us.

Then George and Winston showed us their garden, it was raining so we didn't stay outside long.  It much colder up in the North than it is at home me notice.

Then the humans had some lunch, Aunty Jayne did put on a good spread.  Oh and we all give each other presents.  And we liked the fishies, them was cute.  And then me and George sat next to each other on the settee for some photos then we had a nap while the humans told each other how much they loved us (probably, I don't know, I was asleep).  While I was asleep Carly decided she liked the rug and it was hers so anytime anybody put a toe on the rug she growled at them.  She's like that you know.  And too soon it was time to go home.  We had to be back at the hotel by 3.50 cos it New Years Eve and they wanted to lock up early.  Daddy paranoid that there be traffic on the motorway so him not want to leave it too late.  Mummy say don't be stupid, there won't be any traffic today.  Anyway we gets on the motorway and the traffic at a standstill.  Daddy be all haha I told you so.  But anyway it soon get moving and we get back to the hotel in plenty of time and we go back to our room and lounge about before dinner.

So the humans went back to Nanny and Grandads and got changed into their party clothes and drove to Aunty Mic's house for the New Years Party.  Mummy norty and disgraces herself by drinking too much tizer and vodka, making accidentally racist comments in front of Uncle Rob's mother and wiping the floor with everyone at trivial pursuit.  Me will elaborate:

So Mummy wants vodka but she also wants tizer so she has them both, in the same glass.  Then they has 4 music on the telly in the background and they is showing music videos (obviously) and Mummy says she likes Will.i.am and Usher. And she say she not normally attracted to black men but she likes them two.  And everyone says that's a bit racist, and her says no it's not, it's like saying I don't normally fancy ginger men but I likes Rick Astley.  And then her says she likes Will Young too.  And Aunty Mic laugh and say him the whitest black man she ever seen.  And Mummy say she means Will Smith.  Anyway then Grandma walks in and Mummy says "Grandma does you like black men?" And Grandma say "WHAT?  I'm not your Grandma" and Mummy say "Sorry Mummy, this tizer too bubbly, it gone to my head".  Then Mummy realise Uncle Rob's Mum stood behind Grandma and she thinks Mummy a stupid and norty person.

Then they has their tea.  Aunty Mic made some good noms and them all eats lots of lovely foodies.  After tea them played trivial pursuit with a box from the 1980s.  Everybody had to pull wedges out of a box to pick their team.  Mummy and Tom was partners and them won good.  I think everyone surprised that Mummy was good at trivial pursuit.  But because the bubbles from the tizer had gone to Mummys head she kept forgetting and telling everybody else the answers too.  Tom say they would have won in half the time if her didn't keep giving other people the answers, like when her went to the toilet and had an urge to randomly shout Charlie Chaplin down the stairs just as Grandad was asking a question that the answer was Charlie Chaplin.  When her got downstairs Tom did shake his head crossly and her go "What I do?"  Anyway Daddy say one day Channel 4 will make a documentary about Mummy and her ability to remember useless crap.

Them all sleep at Aunty Mic's that night and the next day Aunty Mic make bacon and egg muffins like McDonalds.  Her call them MicMuffins.  Then my humans say goodbye and them go back to Nanny and Grandads.  Them couldn't come and see us cos the hotel was closed to visitors all day but when them drove past Uncle Jed's car was outside so them know there people there looking after us.

Nanny and Grandad have 4 didgibox recorders.  We wonder why til we see how much stuff they record.  Practically every programme on telly.  Mummy have a wacky thought and suggest they watch something on live telly but everybody look at her like she suggested they go skinny dipping in the river severn.  Them watched the Wizard of Oz and Up and Tangled.  Them was all good films apparently.

Nanny and Grandad did some Nanny and Grandadisms for us laughing pleasure.  Small selection for you:
Grandad:  "That's a very good film I haven't seen"
Nanny:     "Barrie, put the bread in the fridge"

Nanny:     "Was James May in the Who?"
Daddy:     "No that was Brian May"
Tom:        "Brian May was in Queen"
Nanny"    "Are they brothers?  They've both got mad hair"

The next day our humans came to pick us up from the hotel so we say goodbye to all the nice servants and get in the car and go home.  We is half way home when mummy say "OH S**T.  I forgot all the dogs stuff".
Her managed to leave behind three anti gulp bowls, a water bowl, two nylabones, Carly's favourite stuffless fox and a big bag of food.  She even asked the boy if he remembered the extra discount cos we brought our own food.   Her said her would phone them the next day and ask them to put everything to one side for Nanny to pick up and Daddy can get it when him go up to see them in February.  In the meantime we need to stop at a shop and get something for our tea cos we got no foodies.  Luckily we got lots of toys and spare food bowls.

So we stop at Asda, me not say where it was in case anyone reading this is from that town cos me is about to insult that town.  So as we driving in we see a man driving down an embankment and over some bollards to get away from the petrol station without paying.  Then we see a boy about Bryn's age having a cigarette while he watches his mum put the shopping in the car.  Then we see two little girls about six years old wearing thigh high stiletto heeled boots, them looked like baby prostitutes.  Mummy and Daddy look at each other and say "Welcome to ******!"

So Mummy and Katie went in and bought sandwiches for everyone and food for our tea.  Daddy say for the last night of our christmas holidays him will take the humans out for dinner to the Beefeater so Mummy not bother buying anything for tea.

When we get home Mummy try and book a table at the beefeater but they is booked up, and the next night so them book a table for friday instead and have fish fingers for their tea.  Then we doggies have to have a bath cos the humans say them not like the smell from the hotel, it smell of jeyes fluid and smelly dog.  So me not speak to Mummy, me go and lie next to Daddy instead.

The next day,Thursday, Mummy goes to work early and Daddy goes to the dentist and takes Katie to her boyfriends house then he goes to work.  Tom and Bryn do look after us.  When Mummy at work the estate agent phones and says someone wants to come and view the house on Sunday.  We very excited, we got a viewing already.  We not expect any activity for months.  The house needs a good clean cos it a right mess.

When Mummy get home from work, me still not speaking to her but Lotty and Carly have both taken to following Mummy round.  They both want to be closest to her so they walk together, right behind her at all times.  Mummy calls them her demon bridesmaids and trips over them a hundred times a day.

On Friday Mummy not in work so we stay home and do cleaning ready for the people coming to view the house.  In the evening the humans go to the beefeater for tea without us.

On Saturday, yesterday, Katie gets up really early and gets the bus into Newport to meet her friends.  It's my gotcha day and the postlady brings me a lovely pink blankie from my sister Sadie.  I love it.  We have some cuddles and then the estate agent phones and says she hasn't been able to get hold of the people who is coming to view the house to confirm the time so she not know if they coming or not.  Mummy think great, we probably cleaning for nothing then.

Then Mummy, Daddy and Bryn go to Ikea to buy a rug to cover the wee stain in the hall.  Tom stay home to look after us.  When they is in Ikea they take lots of photos of Bryn pretending to do poos in the toilets.  They are stupid like that.  Bryn gets fed up in the end of Mummy telling him to do his pooing face so she tells him to pretend to sleep in a cot bed instead.  They don't buy a rug cos they are all too expensive.  Daddy says he will clean the wee stain instead.  Which to be perfectly honest is what  he should have done in the first place.  But they do buy lots of things they didn't go for.  Like 5 pictures of animals in amusing costumes, a big bag of spiced apple scented tealights and a tealight holder.  Mummy is like totally obsessed with tealights and candles.

Then they had hotdogs, chips and coke in the cafe.  Then they went to Marks and Spencer to spend the gift vouchers Mummy and Daddy have had for years.  They bought a new duvet cover and pillowcases.  The colour says it is light heather.  It the colour of the lavender bush what Horace likes to sleep under.

Then them come home and Mummy say her will take us for a walk and Tom say him only just got back so we watch telly instead then we have tea.  Carly gets a baked potato with every meal.  Not fair. I want one.

Today we made the house all nice in the hope that the people would come and view it but they never came.  Never mind.  *sighs*