That there London again. By Bessie

Mummy, Daddy and Katie went to London for the weekend.   They set off on Friday morning but only got as far as Tesco cos Katie and Daddy wanted bacon rolls for breakfast.  Mummy had porridge.    Then they set off properly to London.      They went to Louise and Dave's house first and had some lunch and cuddled with Frank, Penny and Bertie.   Then Mummy, Daddy, Katie and Dave went on the tube to London and they all stopped and bought oyster cards so now they think they are all cosmopolitan now.

They went to Euston to meet Katie's friend Zoe but they got there a little bit early so they went for coffee.   Mummy needed a wee but someone had projectile weed ALL over the one toilet so she said she would hold it in til they got back to Louise's.   Then they went back to the station and looked on the arrivals board and it said the Glasgow train was in so they went to see and Zoe was there so they all hugged Katie goodbye and left her to wander round London on her own for a few days,  Then Mummy, Daddy and Dave went back to Louise and Dave's house and Louise had made dinner and they had a lovely evening playing Cards against Humanity and drinking wine and beer.   Katie and Zoe went to their hotel and their other friend who lived in London phoned and they said she should come and stay with them so her dad brought her over and then they all had a chinese takeaway for their tea.

The next day Katie and her friends went to Summer In The City at London Excell.    Mummy, Daddy, Louise and Dave had brunch then went into London on the tube.   They went for a walk along the south bank or is it Southbank?  Anyway they went in the Tate Modern and Mummy promised Daddy that she wouldn't say "That's shit."  But then accidentally broke her promise as they walked in to the first gallery.   Mummy's excuse/defence was "For Gods sake, it's three dead crows skewered to the wall with arrows.  Of course it's shit."   Daddy - who has a degree in colouring/fine art depending on who's version you believe - was also embarrased by Mummy and Louise:
Shouting nice gash at a painting which was basically a canvas with a slash in it.
Pretending to study a painting that was just a big sheet of black.
Standing upside down to examine a painting that was - and it really was - hung upside down.
Renaming the gallery "Ten pints of Stella" on account of a) it looked like most of the art was created after consuming this and b) needing to consume this to enjoy the art.
Telling Daddy that a painting of a naked man and a dog having a nap was me and him.
Asking if an installation was actually a heating duct that had fallen off the ceiling.
Asking if another installation was a result of a leaking roof.
Declaring that their favourite piece in the entire gallery was a chair with a tissue under it and loudly discussing this piece of art.   It was actually just a chair that one of the staff had vacated to go and do a wee or something.

So they left before they got forcibly removed and went to Wetherspoons for drinks.   Then they went for a walk round the City of London which was the weirdest place on earth cos it was a Saturday afternoon and the place was deserted.  All the shops were shut.  All the pubs were shut.    Daddy took loads of photos of the Lloyds building, he liked that a lot.  Mummy wanted him to take pictures of a lovely Victorian shopping arcade what they used for Diagon Alley in the Harry Potter films but Daddy isn't as interested in Harry Potter as Mummy is.

Then they went to a German bar for tea.  Mummy and Dave had snossijs and sauerkraut and beer, Louise had schnitzels and wine and Daddy had stew and wine.  They had a nice tea anyway and then they went to Wetherspoons by the Tower of London for pudding and cocktails cos the German bar only sold apple pie for pudding and they wanted sundaes.

After tea they went on a Ripper Tour which was lots of fun and they found out all sorts of gory stuff although Mummy does keep annoying us by saying "See what a jolly bonnet I've got now" which doesn't make any sense to anyone.  By the time they finished it was quite late so they went home to Louise and Dave's house and Daddy slept on the tube and lolled about all over the place and showed them all up.

On Sunday they went to see the airmans memorial which was a very nice peaceful place ruined by some obnoxious brat bouncing a football the entire time they were there.

Then they went to Windsor and had a walk round and said hi to the Queen (I don't believe this happened at all cos I know for a fact she was staying in London that weekend for the D Day parade).   Then they got a picnic lunch from Waitrose and went and sat by the rive and ate their lunch and fed the ducks and saw some nuns taking photos of each other with an iPad.    When they got back to Louise and Dave's house Mummy and Louise took Frank, Penny and Bertie for a walk.   Then they had a Sunday Roast and some pink wine and played guess the year on the music channel.

On Monday Mummy and Daddy went into London on their own to collect Katie.   They went to look at the shops first.  They went to Harvey Nicholls but Mummy said they only went in there to use the toilets cos it's a horrible shop that sells fur.   Anyway she said she was unimpressed with the toilets.  Then they went to Libertys and Mummy bought some nice cards and then it was time to go to Euston to meet Katie and Zoe.

After they said goodbye to Zoe they went to see if there were any lockers to store Katie's bag so they could go to the museums but they were really stupidly expensive so Daddy said he would carry it.    First they went to the British Museum.  They had lunch at a fish and chip restaurant just outside and then they went in but Katie only wanted to look at Mummys and then leave which was a bit of a waste of a journey if you ask me.    Then they went to the Natural History Museum and they had a nice look round there but there was a very long queue to get in the dinosaur room so they didn't bother with that bit.   They were going to go in the Science Museum too but there was a lady standing next to the donation pot forcing everyone to put loads in and Mummy said the place was closing in half an hour so she wasn't paying all that money so they decided it was getting late and their feets were tired and Katie's bag was very heavy so they got back on the tube and went back to Louise and Dave, had a cup of tea then came home to see us.  I made Mummy suffer for leaving me by ignoring her for a few days of course.