Mummy's boss offered to buy everyone a Subway sandwich for lunch. So Mummy asks for meatballs with no cheese on white bread, nothing spicy, peppery or oniony.
When the sandwiches come the peoples at Subway has written everybody's name on the wrappers. Mummy is a bit busy so she finishes what she doing then she opens her sandwich. This is what was in the wrapper: Steak and cheese on brown bread, jalapenos, peppers, red onions and chilli sauce. So her asks who has the meatball sandwich and somebody else has already eaten it.
The sandwich is in the fridge at work. If you want it you is more than welcome.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Lots of rain. By Bessie
Today it rained. It rained all day. Very heavy. It took my humans an hour and a half to drive the 12 miles home. They got 3/4 of the way home, driving really slowly cos the water was so deep, until they got to a point where they could see a truck up ahead up to its bonnet in water. Then they turned back and tried a different route. But that was blocked by a police car parked up to its doors in a puddle. So they turned back again and went a different route. They did get home but them got stuck in lots of traffic cos there was big deep puddles what everybody had to drive through and the whole world was going the same way.
Then Mummy and Katie took us to Miss Judith to have our nails done. Me and Lotty didn't like it. Carly did. Then we came home and had tea. We had pilchards, potato, scrambled egg and gravy. The humans had steak pie and roast tatties and green beans and gravy.
Ooh I almost forgot, this morning Daddy phoned minihumans school to ask a question about Bryn's trip to Paris. The lady on reception said she would phone back. When she phoned back Mummy answered and the lady said "Is that Mr Morgan?" And Mummy said, "No, I'm a woman" haha.
We still haven't had our years supply of potato wedges off mr mccains yet. *tuts loudly*
Then Mummy and Katie took us to Miss Judith to have our nails done. Me and Lotty didn't like it. Carly did. Then we came home and had tea. We had pilchards, potato, scrambled egg and gravy. The humans had steak pie and roast tatties and green beans and gravy.
Ooh I almost forgot, this morning Daddy phoned minihumans school to ask a question about Bryn's trip to Paris. The lady on reception said she would phone back. When she phoned back Mummy answered and the lady said "Is that Mr Morgan?" And Mummy said, "No, I'm a woman" haha.
We still haven't had our years supply of potato wedges off mr mccains yet. *tuts loudly*
Sunday, 27 January 2013
fallovers, makeovers and sleepovers. By Bessie
So much has happened. Where do me start? So on Thursday it very icy. Mummy drives all the minihumans to school. She drops littlest minihumans as close as she can to school and says "Be careful". But her can't get to the school what biggest minihuman works at cos it on a steep hill. So him get out at the bottom of the hill and walk and Mummy says her sorry her can't go any further and him should be extra careful. Anyway there was a big mountain of snow on the pavement so him goes to step on the road and slips on ice and falls off the kerb. Him hurt his arm, his face and his bottom. So he texts Mummy and says he hurt and her asks does he want her to take him to the hospital but him say he be ok. That evening his arm does swell up and is hurting lots so on Friday morning Mummy does take him to the hospital.
It very busy at the hospital cos lots of people did fall on the ice and hurt themselves. Mummy says you see all kinds of strange people down the hospital. In the six hours them was there they seen a white man who thought him was a black rapper, a heavily pregnant woman spending her entire time outside smoking while her mum looked after her other child, a couple what were both wearing hiking boots three sizes too big what made them walk like T-Rexs. Him was wearing a Russian hat with a soviet badge on it. Her was dragging a suitcase on wheels which contained - amongst other things - a paperback book entitled "How to stop your doctor from killing you", a glass bottle of water, a box of cakes and a bunch of bananas.
OH MY GOD I interrupt this to tell you I just pressed something, I don't know what it was but all my text disappeared so I pressed the back button and it said "You have unsaved changes. Do you want to leave this page?" And I thought that's not right so I said no, then I found the correct back button and all my text came back again. Blimey, that was nearly as exciting and scary as that episode of the tweenies where Max dressed up as a prolific paedophile.
Anyway, I was telling you about the strange people down the hospital. So them got triaged straight away but then had to wait for four hours to see a doctor. He sent Tom straight to x ray and then them had to go and sit in the waiting room again. But there was no seats cos it was so busy so them stood by the vending machines and Mummy say her will buy some food and a drink cos them haven't eaten all day and Mummy hasn't taken her tablets. So first she goes to the machine what sells food and Tom says he'll have a flapjack what is 60p. So Mummy puts a £1 coin in and the flapjack falls down but lands on top of another flapjack what is balanced on top of the flap what hasn't dropped down. So Mummy sticks her hand up and shakes the machine and bashes it and presses the money back button but nothing happens. AND THEN and only then does the woman sat closest to the machine say "That happened to me too. That's my flapjack underneath". WELL THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR WARNING US!
So Mummy asks her if she told the receptionist and the woman says there's no point cos they don't own the machines but Mummy goes to the desk anyway and the receptionist says it's not their machine but the man what fills it leaves them an envelope of coins to give refunds, and her gives Mummy her £1 back. Then Mummy remember that the flapjack was only 60p so the machine should either give 40p change or have 40p credit but when she checks it looks like the machine stole her money and her flapjack. Mummy tells the lady sat next to the machine she can ask for her money back too but she doesn't bother. Tom says her was probably lying and just wanted the flapjack.
Then Mummy goes to the drinks machine and puts the £1 coin in what the receptionist just give her and it threw it back three times so Mummy think that machine must be broken too but then this other person comes in and uses it so it not broken, the £1 must be a fake or something. If Mummy have a good look it probably say bank of fisher price on it.
Then the doctor call Tom in and show Mummy and Tom the x-ray and him has broken his radius ulna or something or other. Him says they don't like to put a plaster cast on cos once the fluid has gone down then he has to start trying to keep it mobile. So a nurse puts this splint thing on instead and then they go to Katie's friend Cerys's house to pick Katie and Bryn up cos them was waiting there and Cerys comes too for a sleepover and them pop to Tesco and them is trying to decide what to have for tea cos Mummy was sposed to go shopping today but didn't get chance, obviously her had more important things to deal with. But them is so hungry them can't think about cooking so them get a big bag of kibble for me and Lotty and them go to the chip shop for tea instead.
On Saturday Katie and Cerys take Mummy to Cardiff to give her a makeover cos her dresses like a bag of rags/clown/toddler. Them helps her choose a pink jumper, a green shirt and a new coat. Katie wants to get some jeans and Mummy wants a skirt so they decide not to get either. The boy humans go to the cinema to watch the Hobbit. On the way home Daddy goes over a speedbump and Tom's arm hurts lots.
Today, Sunday, our friends Beau and Bones came for a sleep over. Them brought their own beds, which we like lots and is sitting on with them. Them has brought some nice foodies for their tea too, me might try and distract them so me can eat it. We all did go for a walk together then when we come home we had a play fight and Carly got stuck in the stairgate - again *sighs* Idiot. Then we had a sleep and Daddy and Katie took Cerys home and then Daddy come home and watched a football match and we sat in the dining room on Beau and Bones's beds and watched Mummy write this for me.
It very busy at the hospital cos lots of people did fall on the ice and hurt themselves. Mummy says you see all kinds of strange people down the hospital. In the six hours them was there they seen a white man who thought him was a black rapper, a heavily pregnant woman spending her entire time outside smoking while her mum looked after her other child, a couple what were both wearing hiking boots three sizes too big what made them walk like T-Rexs. Him was wearing a Russian hat with a soviet badge on it. Her was dragging a suitcase on wheels which contained - amongst other things - a paperback book entitled "How to stop your doctor from killing you", a glass bottle of water, a box of cakes and a bunch of bananas.
OH MY GOD I interrupt this to tell you I just pressed something, I don't know what it was but all my text disappeared so I pressed the back button and it said "You have unsaved changes. Do you want to leave this page?" And I thought that's not right so I said no, then I found the correct back button and all my text came back again. Blimey, that was nearly as exciting and scary as that episode of the tweenies where Max dressed up as a prolific paedophile.
Anyway, I was telling you about the strange people down the hospital. So them got triaged straight away but then had to wait for four hours to see a doctor. He sent Tom straight to x ray and then them had to go and sit in the waiting room again. But there was no seats cos it was so busy so them stood by the vending machines and Mummy say her will buy some food and a drink cos them haven't eaten all day and Mummy hasn't taken her tablets. So first she goes to the machine what sells food and Tom says he'll have a flapjack what is 60p. So Mummy puts a £1 coin in and the flapjack falls down but lands on top of another flapjack what is balanced on top of the flap what hasn't dropped down. So Mummy sticks her hand up and shakes the machine and bashes it and presses the money back button but nothing happens. AND THEN and only then does the woman sat closest to the machine say "That happened to me too. That's my flapjack underneath". WELL THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR WARNING US!
So Mummy asks her if she told the receptionist and the woman says there's no point cos they don't own the machines but Mummy goes to the desk anyway and the receptionist says it's not their machine but the man what fills it leaves them an envelope of coins to give refunds, and her gives Mummy her £1 back. Then Mummy remember that the flapjack was only 60p so the machine should either give 40p change or have 40p credit but when she checks it looks like the machine stole her money and her flapjack. Mummy tells the lady sat next to the machine she can ask for her money back too but she doesn't bother. Tom says her was probably lying and just wanted the flapjack.
Then Mummy goes to the drinks machine and puts the £1 coin in what the receptionist just give her and it threw it back three times so Mummy think that machine must be broken too but then this other person comes in and uses it so it not broken, the £1 must be a fake or something. If Mummy have a good look it probably say bank of fisher price on it.
Then the doctor call Tom in and show Mummy and Tom the x-ray and him has broken his radius ulna or something or other. Him says they don't like to put a plaster cast on cos once the fluid has gone down then he has to start trying to keep it mobile. So a nurse puts this splint thing on instead and then they go to Katie's friend Cerys's house to pick Katie and Bryn up cos them was waiting there and Cerys comes too for a sleepover and them pop to Tesco and them is trying to decide what to have for tea cos Mummy was sposed to go shopping today but didn't get chance, obviously her had more important things to deal with. But them is so hungry them can't think about cooking so them get a big bag of kibble for me and Lotty and them go to the chip shop for tea instead.
On Saturday Katie and Cerys take Mummy to Cardiff to give her a makeover cos her dresses like a bag of rags/clown/toddler. Them helps her choose a pink jumper, a green shirt and a new coat. Katie wants to get some jeans and Mummy wants a skirt so they decide not to get either. The boy humans go to the cinema to watch the Hobbit. On the way home Daddy goes over a speedbump and Tom's arm hurts lots.
Today, Sunday, our friends Beau and Bones came for a sleep over. Them brought their own beds, which we like lots and is sitting on with them. Them has brought some nice foodies for their tea too, me might try and distract them so me can eat it. We all did go for a walk together then when we come home we had a play fight and Carly got stuck in the stairgate - again *sighs* Idiot. Then we had a sleep and Daddy and Katie took Cerys home and then Daddy come home and watched a football match and we sat in the dining room on Beau and Bones's beds and watched Mummy write this for me.
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
NO I WAS NOT DOING A POO. By Bessie (about Mummy)
So Mummy thinks maybe she will let Katie give her a makeover. After all, she is 41 now (don't tell her I told you that) and she shouldn't really be walking round in little girls sundresses and Kylie's old knickers (especially in the snow, that's just silly and irresponsible). I keep telling her, "Mummy, you're not Nicki Minaj".
In other news Mummy needs to buy a new lightbulb for the toilet at work. They've got an energy saving bulb in there and last night she went for a wee before she went home but she had to wait 5 minutes for the room to light up cos she said she wasn't sitting down till she could see there was nothing on the seat. Anyway when she come out Steve was hopping from foot to foot outside and him say "I've been waiting ages, was you doing a poo?" And Mummy shout "NO I WAS WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO COME ON" cos she has never ever done a poo in work and she never would. Her nervous bowel just wouldn't allow it even if she wanted to. Then she went back in the office and her boss says, "John is waiting in the car, you've been ages. Were you having a poo?" So she screeches again and tells him her going to buy a bulb. Then she goes out to the car and Daddy sat there revving his engine and she says, "Before you ask..." And him says, "You wasn't doing a poo?" And her say that no she wasn't doing a poo.
What else? Last night we was watching Eastenders and Mummy says, "Bugger off Kirsty, nobody likes you. Not even the viewers". And Daddy says, "Do they not?" And Mummy says, "No we don't" And Daddy says him feels sorry for her and her done nothing wrong. And Mummy shouts at him and says him should be on Tanya's side. Then in work today Matt says him likes Kirsty and him feels sorry for her so Mummy has to shout at him too. Then him say his girlfriend shouted at him last night too cos he said that. These men they just doesn't understand girl politics.
Today in work them had one of the directors to visit, which is annoying cos it means they all has to dress smart; no Dr Marten boots and hoodies. Mummys boss bringed the director into the office but then him went off to make some tea and the director did come over to Mummy and ask her how were sales compared to this time last year, and her goes "Err Umm I have no idea, that's not really my area". And him asks "Do you not process all the orders?" And her thinking oh great, as if I haven't got enough to do now them want me to put everybody else's orders in? But then Steve what works in the warehouse and was in the office getting some paperwork says "Well we seem to be busier in the warehouse than last January" and then the director starts talking to him instead. After he gone Mummy say thank you to Steve for rescuing her and him say her looked like a rabbit in headlights and needed saving. Then their boss did offer to buy everybody a subway roll but Mummy on a diet cos her a big fat heifer so her not want one and Matt went to Subway and bought everyone else a roll but him also bringed back cookies and drinks and her sulked cos her would have liked a cookie and a drink. Me think her got no real concept of what being on a diet means. There more to it than not saying yes when they ask if you want to go large you know.
In my news, there is no news. My life is boring. *sighs* Carly still not putting any weight on. Her gets smaller if anything. Weird.
In other news Mummy needs to buy a new lightbulb for the toilet at work. They've got an energy saving bulb in there and last night she went for a wee before she went home but she had to wait 5 minutes for the room to light up cos she said she wasn't sitting down till she could see there was nothing on the seat. Anyway when she come out Steve was hopping from foot to foot outside and him say "I've been waiting ages, was you doing a poo?" And Mummy shout "NO I WAS WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO COME ON" cos she has never ever done a poo in work and she never would. Her nervous bowel just wouldn't allow it even if she wanted to. Then she went back in the office and her boss says, "John is waiting in the car, you've been ages. Were you having a poo?" So she screeches again and tells him her going to buy a bulb. Then she goes out to the car and Daddy sat there revving his engine and she says, "Before you ask..." And him says, "You wasn't doing a poo?" And her say that no she wasn't doing a poo.
What else? Last night we was watching Eastenders and Mummy says, "Bugger off Kirsty, nobody likes you. Not even the viewers". And Daddy says, "Do they not?" And Mummy says, "No we don't" And Daddy says him feels sorry for her and her done nothing wrong. And Mummy shouts at him and says him should be on Tanya's side. Then in work today Matt says him likes Kirsty and him feels sorry for her so Mummy has to shout at him too. Then him say his girlfriend shouted at him last night too cos he said that. These men they just doesn't understand girl politics.
Today in work them had one of the directors to visit, which is annoying cos it means they all has to dress smart; no Dr Marten boots and hoodies. Mummys boss bringed the director into the office but then him went off to make some tea and the director did come over to Mummy and ask her how were sales compared to this time last year, and her goes "Err Umm I have no idea, that's not really my area". And him asks "Do you not process all the orders?" And her thinking oh great, as if I haven't got enough to do now them want me to put everybody else's orders in? But then Steve what works in the warehouse and was in the office getting some paperwork says "Well we seem to be busier in the warehouse than last January" and then the director starts talking to him instead. After he gone Mummy say thank you to Steve for rescuing her and him say her looked like a rabbit in headlights and needed saving. Then their boss did offer to buy everybody a subway roll but Mummy on a diet cos her a big fat heifer so her not want one and Matt went to Subway and bought everyone else a roll but him also bringed back cookies and drinks and her sulked cos her would have liked a cookie and a drink. Me think her got no real concept of what being on a diet means. There more to it than not saying yes when they ask if you want to go large you know.
In my news, there is no news. My life is boring. *sighs* Carly still not putting any weight on. Her gets smaller if anything. Weird.
Monday, 21 January 2013
Coco the clown gets a telling off. By Bessie
So Daddy came home at 4 o'clock on Friday. The minihumans made a snowman. We went for a walk in the snow when Daddy came home and then we didn't go anywhere but in the garden for the rest of the weekend. It was too cold and too icy and Mummy not want one of us to fall and hurt ourselves.
Today all the schools was open again so Daddy took everyone to school and we stayed home with Mummy cos it was her day off. We went for a little walk, then Mummy rubbed our feeties and our cold tummies and we had a sleep while she wrote some of her book. Her up to 72000 words now. Her not sure whether they good words or not but her is enjoying writing it and it keeping her out of mischief.
Mummy went to pick the minihumans up from school and go to Tesco to get some foodies. There was trolleys all over the place, it look like the trolley collectors was on strike or something. Them went inside and Mummy want to go in the clothes department to find some wellies for Tom cos him the only human in the family without any. But them not got any mens wellies. Then when they is walking through to the foodies Katie says that she needs to give Mummy a makeover and make Mummy dress like someone her own age. Mummy say "You want to dress me like a granny?" And Katie say, "No, people your age are fashionable these days". Then her goes round the shop picking up clothes and Mummy saying no no no don't like it yuck eugh are you joking? Katie says will she at least buy some jeans? And Mummy say what wrong with what she wearing? Katie look her up and down and sigh. She say "What ARE you wearing? What is this? What's with the tights? You look like a clown." Mummy very offended but her agrees on one pair of jeans but not the beige top and cardigan.
Then them bought some foodies and come home and made fajitas for tea. We houndy girls didn't have fajitas. Me and Lotty had kibble, sardines and gravy. Carly had meat, tatties and sardines.
Today all the schools was open again so Daddy took everyone to school and we stayed home with Mummy cos it was her day off. We went for a little walk, then Mummy rubbed our feeties and our cold tummies and we had a sleep while she wrote some of her book. Her up to 72000 words now. Her not sure whether they good words or not but her is enjoying writing it and it keeping her out of mischief.
Mummy went to pick the minihumans up from school and go to Tesco to get some foodies. There was trolleys all over the place, it look like the trolley collectors was on strike or something. Them went inside and Mummy want to go in the clothes department to find some wellies for Tom cos him the only human in the family without any. But them not got any mens wellies. Then when they is walking through to the foodies Katie says that she needs to give Mummy a makeover and make Mummy dress like someone her own age. Mummy say "You want to dress me like a granny?" And Katie say, "No, people your age are fashionable these days". Then her goes round the shop picking up clothes and Mummy saying no no no don't like it yuck eugh are you joking? Katie says will she at least buy some jeans? And Mummy say what wrong with what she wearing? Katie look her up and down and sigh. She say "What ARE you wearing? What is this? What's with the tights? You look like a clown." Mummy very offended but her agrees on one pair of jeans but not the beige top and cardigan.
Then them bought some foodies and come home and made fajitas for tea. We houndy girls didn't have fajitas. Me and Lotty had kibble, sardines and gravy. Carly had meat, tatties and sardines.
Friday, 18 January 2013
STILL NOT PANICKING! By Bessie
So it started snowing sometime in the night. I got up to go weewees at 2am and it wasn't snowing but Daddy left for work at 5am and there was LOADS of snow.
Daddy say him go at 5 so him get there before it gets really heavy (it already was really heavy) and Mummy say what if it really bad later and him can't get home? But he says he will worry about that later. I bet nobody else went to work. Him probably spent the whole day on his own.
It not stopped snowing all day. I think it been snowing for about 12 hours so far. We not been for a walk but we played in the garden and made the snow brown and yellow.
Mummy discovered a great new snack. Sweet chilli rice crackers dipped in seafood cocktail (to be very specific Special K rice crackers and Tesco seafood cocktail sandwich filler). I recommend you does try it. Me and Carly helped Tom eat a packet of space raiders. Carly not really sposed to eat them cos she lergic but she only had little ones. Carly would like Mummy to buy Pom Bears next time her goes shopping, she not lergic to them cos they made of potato.
Daddy say him go at 5 so him get there before it gets really heavy (it already was really heavy) and Mummy say what if it really bad later and him can't get home? But he says he will worry about that later. I bet nobody else went to work. Him probably spent the whole day on his own.
It not stopped snowing all day. I think it been snowing for about 12 hours so far. We not been for a walk but we played in the garden and made the snow brown and yellow.
Mummy discovered a great new snack. Sweet chilli rice crackers dipped in seafood cocktail (to be very specific Special K rice crackers and Tesco seafood cocktail sandwich filler). I recommend you does try it. Me and Carly helped Tom eat a packet of space raiders. Carly not really sposed to eat them cos she lergic but she only had little ones. Carly would like Mummy to buy Pom Bears next time her goes shopping, she not lergic to them cos they made of potato.
Thursday, 17 January 2013
DON'T PANIC! By Bessie
It's snowing. Daddy said it would snow on Friday, he thinks he's a weatherman. But it's snowing today, Thursday. Getting heavy too. Daddy said all the minihumans should take the day off school even if the schools are open cos the school where littlest minihumans go to and the school that big minihuman works at are both up steep hills and him not want to have to drive up and pick them up. Daddy also says he plans to leave for work tomorrow at 6am "to avoid the plebs skidding". Mummy says he shouldn't call people plebs. Please note Daddy doesn't start work til 8.30 and it's a 20 minute drive. Daddy will probably go panic buying at Tesco tonight and come home with 36 boxes of lager and a loaf of bread
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
New Years Resolutions. Hmmm. By Bessie and Sam
We were wondering what New Years Resolution we should make this year that we're not going to keep. I know you're supposed to do it on New Years Day but we've been thinking about it for three weeks and neither of us can come up with anything. We can't remember what lasts years were either so we obviously didn't stick to them.
So anyway, here is what we came up with. A joint resolution:
We are going to spend more time with the people that we love; our family and our real true friends - the ones who were there for us when we needed them. That's it. Simple.
So there it is. It's going to be a good year. We can feel it.
So anyway, here is what we came up with. A joint resolution:
We are going to spend more time with the people that we love; our family and our real true friends - the ones who were there for us when we needed them. That's it. Simple.
So there it is. It's going to be a good year. We can feel it.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
What my humans did at the mall. By Bessie
So this is what some of my humans did today. Daddy ask Mummy what her wants to do today and her say her doesn't want to do anything so him says them should go window shopping at the mall. So them ask the minihumans if they want to come but only Katie does so them three goes to the mall.
First them goes to John Lewis and Mummy and Daddy keep saying they will buy stuff and Katie says "Really?" And they go "No of course not really, we're window shopping". Katie says we is the only people she knows who still have a big box for a telly and it so embarrassing she can't even invite people to the house. But Mummy and Daddy just laugh and say they is retro and retro is cool. Then Mummy and Katie have a nap in a bed and Katie climbs in a cupboard in the display kitchens so Mummy and Daddy run off and hide in the toy department but when Katie finds them she says she knew they were going to do that cos she heard them giggling and running away like toddlers.
Mummy goes to phones 4 U cos her doesn't know how to turn voicemail on her mobile and she keeps missing important calls and the girl asks the man who asks another man who says you has to phone T mobile and it one of the options on the answer thingy. Well it no wonder her couldn't do it herself, her wasn't looking there. So anyway her phone has voicemail now for the first time in 13 months instead of a message telling you this phone may be turned off.
Then them went to get some lunch, there was no seats at any of the tables so Mummy did sit on a bench while Daddy and Katie went to get the food. Daddy said Mummy should lie across the bench so nobody can sit down but her say she not doing that, that's silly. Anyway she sits right in the middle of the bench but this woman comes over and sits RIGHT next to her but facing the opposite way so Mummy says, very politely, "I'm actually saving these seats for my family". But the woman completely ignores and starts eating her happy meal. Please note: Happy meals are for children, not grown women. Mummy not know if it cos she deaf or rude (or both).
Then Daddy and Katie come back and Daddy pulls a face at the woman's back and Mummy shrugs and says "Obviously stone deaf" in a whisper over 50 fields. Then Daddy sits down and Katie sits on the floor cos the woman nicked her seat and Mummy says a very loud comment about sorry her did try and save Katie a seat but some people are pig ignorant. Then Daddy does what he calls a Bessie and slowly edges the woman off the bench by getting closer and closer into her personal space (what she did steal off us in the first place). And she keeps turning round and giving him dirty looks. Some people are so cheeky.
The estate agent phones when them is eating and her says the people yesterday really liked the house but they is not proceedable - this means they hasn't sold their house yet apparently - but when they is they is going to come for a second viewing. This made us happy cos even though them didn't buy the house yet and they probably won't, at least it means someone likes it. It very demoralising when all the feedback you get is negative stuff.
After thems lunch Daddy did buy a shirt from Next and Katie and Mummy did say them would help him choose some clothes that didn't make him look like a Grandad having a mid life crisis. But them couldn't find any. Mummy wanted to get him a stripy jumper and a body warmer but Katie said he looked like Where's Wally. Katie wanted him to get a hoody but Mummy said he looked like a mugger. So them got nothing.
Them went in the Disney Store cos Mummy likes to see if there is any new Finding Nemo merchandise but she already had every Nemo thing in the shop. Katie say she would like a baby brother or sister so they could have some Disney stuff but her didn't want Mummy to have a baby cos that would be disgusting. And Mummy ask is that cos she too old to have a baby or because if she was pregnant everybody would know her and Daddy still did it? Anyway this man walking past must have heard cos him was laughing his pants off and Katie mortified that Mummy said "did it" in public - in the Disney Store at that.
Them went in H&M to look at the clothes in the sale and Katie and Daddy was doing a dance routine (like you do?) and then Katie realised one of her teachers was stood watching her. haha. Her says that is awks. Me not know what that means, me not speak the teen lingo.
Anyway that's what my humans did today. Mummy not buy anything, Katie not buy anything, Daddy buy a shirt and a McDonalds.
First them goes to John Lewis and Mummy and Daddy keep saying they will buy stuff and Katie says "Really?" And they go "No of course not really, we're window shopping". Katie says we is the only people she knows who still have a big box for a telly and it so embarrassing she can't even invite people to the house. But Mummy and Daddy just laugh and say they is retro and retro is cool. Then Mummy and Katie have a nap in a bed and Katie climbs in a cupboard in the display kitchens so Mummy and Daddy run off and hide in the toy department but when Katie finds them she says she knew they were going to do that cos she heard them giggling and running away like toddlers.
Mummy goes to phones 4 U cos her doesn't know how to turn voicemail on her mobile and she keeps missing important calls and the girl asks the man who asks another man who says you has to phone T mobile and it one of the options on the answer thingy. Well it no wonder her couldn't do it herself, her wasn't looking there. So anyway her phone has voicemail now for the first time in 13 months instead of a message telling you this phone may be turned off.
Then them went to get some lunch, there was no seats at any of the tables so Mummy did sit on a bench while Daddy and Katie went to get the food. Daddy said Mummy should lie across the bench so nobody can sit down but her say she not doing that, that's silly. Anyway she sits right in the middle of the bench but this woman comes over and sits RIGHT next to her but facing the opposite way so Mummy says, very politely, "I'm actually saving these seats for my family". But the woman completely ignores and starts eating her happy meal. Please note: Happy meals are for children, not grown women. Mummy not know if it cos she deaf or rude (or both).
Then Daddy and Katie come back and Daddy pulls a face at the woman's back and Mummy shrugs and says "Obviously stone deaf" in a whisper over 50 fields. Then Daddy sits down and Katie sits on the floor cos the woman nicked her seat and Mummy says a very loud comment about sorry her did try and save Katie a seat but some people are pig ignorant. Then Daddy does what he calls a Bessie and slowly edges the woman off the bench by getting closer and closer into her personal space (what she did steal off us in the first place). And she keeps turning round and giving him dirty looks. Some people are so cheeky.
The estate agent phones when them is eating and her says the people yesterday really liked the house but they is not proceedable - this means they hasn't sold their house yet apparently - but when they is they is going to come for a second viewing. This made us happy cos even though them didn't buy the house yet and they probably won't, at least it means someone likes it. It very demoralising when all the feedback you get is negative stuff.
After thems lunch Daddy did buy a shirt from Next and Katie and Mummy did say them would help him choose some clothes that didn't make him look like a Grandad having a mid life crisis. But them couldn't find any. Mummy wanted to get him a stripy jumper and a body warmer but Katie said he looked like Where's Wally. Katie wanted him to get a hoody but Mummy said he looked like a mugger. So them got nothing.
Them went in the Disney Store cos Mummy likes to see if there is any new Finding Nemo merchandise but she already had every Nemo thing in the shop. Katie say she would like a baby brother or sister so they could have some Disney stuff but her didn't want Mummy to have a baby cos that would be disgusting. And Mummy ask is that cos she too old to have a baby or because if she was pregnant everybody would know her and Daddy still did it? Anyway this man walking past must have heard cos him was laughing his pants off and Katie mortified that Mummy said "did it" in public - in the Disney Store at that.
Them went in H&M to look at the clothes in the sale and Katie and Daddy was doing a dance routine (like you do?) and then Katie realised one of her teachers was stood watching her. haha. Her says that is awks. Me not know what that means, me not speak the teen lingo.
Anyway that's what my humans did today. Mummy not buy anything, Katie not buy anything, Daddy buy a shirt and a McDonalds.
Friday, 11 January 2013
Very tidy. By Bessie
On Tuesday Mummy was driving round with the petrol light flashing. So her went to Tesco on the way home from work but the petrol station was shut and she said she refuse to pay Texaco prices and what with the Texaco being the only other one around her say her rather do without. Then Wednesday her never uses her car cos her goes into work with Daddy. So her says her will get some petrol on the way home from work on Thursday. But they got visitors and one person off sick in work so her ends up leaving late cos her has too much to do, then getting stuck in the school traffic from all the annoying parents who use the industrial estate as a short cut so her not got time to get petrol before her goes to get the minihumans from their school. By the time her got them and driven back to Tesco the poor car is juddering all over the place cos it so thirsty. Mummy practically rolls it into the petrol station and her does a big cheer cos she made it. Silly Mummy.
Today we had a viewing on the house. Mummy spends all morning cleaning and we do lots of helping by testing the comfiness of the new duvet cover (very comfy) and the bounciness of minihumans beds (very bouncy) and the barkiness of the lounge window (very barky).
Me interrupt this to remember this article we did read about writing what did say you should never say very, there is always a better word to use instead. So we is trying to think of words that mean:
- very comfy
- very bouncy
- very barky
We do give up. Maybe we is just not cut out for literary greatness. We should leave it to the experts; like Enid Blyton.
Anyway, so we helps lots and then Mummy says we has to go and sit in the car. So we do but then her goes back inside and hoovers the hall. Her must have forgotted we was going for a ride so we do shout her. We have to shout very loud cos Mummy quite deaf when her is hoovering. Mainly cos she likes to sing 80s soft rock ballads while she is hoovering for some strange reason, although her was singing Milli Vanilli at one point today. It was very loud and very awful and the back door was open.
Eventually her remembers her has left her three best girls in the car and her comes out and we goes for a drive. Except we doesn't cos her just drives round the corner where her can still see the house, then her gets out and goes back home. WITHOUT US! So we shout AGAIN.
Then Mr Geoff, the estate agent, comes and Mummy picks up a poo what someone else did on our lawn and her lets Mr Geoff in and then her comes and sits in the car and sings to us (badly) while we wait. Mummy we does not like the complete works of Maximo Park, you needs to put some new music in you car. The people what come to view the house stay for 16 minutes, this quite a long time. Once someone came and stayed for 6 minutes. When they gone Mummy is going to go and talk to Mr Geoff but him come out and get in his car and drive off in a hurry before her has a chance so her goes over to see if Aunty Sally wants to come for a cup of tea seeing as the house is clean enough for visitors for once. But Aunty Sally not in so we does have tea on our own. Then we goes for a walk then we has a nap then we all go to get the minihumans from school.
Today we had a viewing on the house. Mummy spends all morning cleaning and we do lots of helping by testing the comfiness of the new duvet cover (very comfy) and the bounciness of minihumans beds (very bouncy) and the barkiness of the lounge window (very barky).
Me interrupt this to remember this article we did read about writing what did say you should never say very, there is always a better word to use instead. So we is trying to think of words that mean:
- very comfy
- very bouncy
- very barky
We do give up. Maybe we is just not cut out for literary greatness. We should leave it to the experts; like Enid Blyton.
Anyway, so we helps lots and then Mummy says we has to go and sit in the car. So we do but then her goes back inside and hoovers the hall. Her must have forgotted we was going for a ride so we do shout her. We have to shout very loud cos Mummy quite deaf when her is hoovering. Mainly cos she likes to sing 80s soft rock ballads while she is hoovering for some strange reason, although her was singing Milli Vanilli at one point today. It was very loud and very awful and the back door was open.
Eventually her remembers her has left her three best girls in the car and her comes out and we goes for a drive. Except we doesn't cos her just drives round the corner where her can still see the house, then her gets out and goes back home. WITHOUT US! So we shout AGAIN.
Then Mr Geoff, the estate agent, comes and Mummy picks up a poo what someone else did on our lawn and her lets Mr Geoff in and then her comes and sits in the car and sings to us (badly) while we wait. Mummy we does not like the complete works of Maximo Park, you needs to put some new music in you car. The people what come to view the house stay for 16 minutes, this quite a long time. Once someone came and stayed for 6 minutes. When they gone Mummy is going to go and talk to Mr Geoff but him come out and get in his car and drive off in a hurry before her has a chance so her goes over to see if Aunty Sally wants to come for a cup of tea seeing as the house is clean enough for visitors for once. But Aunty Sally not in so we does have tea on our own. Then we goes for a walk then we has a nap then we all go to get the minihumans from school.
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Professor D-Ream never did show us Uranus. By Bessie
the estate agent phones yesterday, her never mentions the complete cock up with the people on Sunday but someone else wants to come and view the house on Friday. Mummy said they can come but only if the estate agent comes to show them round cos Mummy home alone so her needs to take us doggies out. So Mr Geoff the estate agent is coming. Mummy not know how this is going to work. Her never done a viewing when there been no-one to help with us.
Last night we watched the astronomy programme with Mummy's boyfriend in it, Professor D-Ream. Her was a bit embarrassing and spent most of it making lewd comments. Me notice lots of you human ladies on the facebum was doing the same thing tut tut. You should all be ashamed of youselves. Poor Professor D-Ream, I bet him feels violated with all your jokes about seeing the dark side of his moon. Anyway things what we learned off this programme was:
- Nanny might be right about Brian May and James May, them do look very similar.
- If we put our dining table on Mars we could see it with a telescope (possibly a stronger telescope than the one in Bryn's room). But Mummy might be cross when she tries to put the dinner out and the table is on Mars.
- Scientists haven't discovered them yet but there could me methane based life forms somewhere. Ahem, allow me to introduce you to my sister Lotty. Parp. Ooh and cows, them is methane based life forms too.
We found a new house we want to buy. It probably will be sold before we get round to buying it though, it for sale at £285,000 but we looked at the history on Zoopla and it was for sale in 2010 for £575,000. So some developer will probably buy it and do it up. Me not blame them, it a bootiful house, least it could be, it a bit fallen to bits at the moment.
UPDATE: So Mummy phones the estate agent to go and view the house and the girl says you can only view it if you're a cash buyer and that the house in unmortgageable...whatever that means.
Last night we watched the astronomy programme with Mummy's boyfriend in it, Professor D-Ream. Her was a bit embarrassing and spent most of it making lewd comments. Me notice lots of you human ladies on the facebum was doing the same thing tut tut. You should all be ashamed of youselves. Poor Professor D-Ream, I bet him feels violated with all your jokes about seeing the dark side of his moon. Anyway things what we learned off this programme was:
- Nanny might be right about Brian May and James May, them do look very similar.
- If we put our dining table on Mars we could see it with a telescope (possibly a stronger telescope than the one in Bryn's room). But Mummy might be cross when she tries to put the dinner out and the table is on Mars.
- Scientists haven't discovered them yet but there could me methane based life forms somewhere. Ahem, allow me to introduce you to my sister Lotty. Parp. Ooh and cows, them is methane based life forms too.
We found a new house we want to buy. It probably will be sold before we get round to buying it though, it for sale at £285,000 but we looked at the history on Zoopla and it was for sale in 2010 for £575,000. So some developer will probably buy it and do it up. Me not blame them, it a bootiful house, least it could be, it a bit fallen to bits at the moment.
UPDATE: So Mummy phones the estate agent to go and view the house and the girl says you can only view it if you're a cash buyer and that the house in unmortgageable...whatever that means.
Sunday, 6 January 2013
What we did for New Year. By Bessie
Oh gosh, we been so busy. Where do I start? So on 30th December we all gets up VERY early and gets in the car and drives forever. When we gets to Ross on Wye we stops to go to the toilet. We had a wee and then Daddy starts lifting us into the car when all these Chinese people walk past on their way back to their coach. So they stop and they stroke Lotty and Carly. Then they see me in the car and they say OOH you got 3 and then they say NO 4! And Daddy say "No that's a human child". Then we all laugh at Katie being mistaken for a basset.
When we get to Uncle Jed's hotel for discerning gentledogs and princesses, we go in and the nice girl takes us to our hotel room while Mummy and Daddy fill some forms in. Then we relax in our hotel room until the servants bring our tea and let us go for a run in the paddock.
At Nanny and Grandads them had a posh dinner and exchanged christmas presents.
In the morning our humans came to get us and we were very pleased to see them and when Daddy opened the boot we all jumped in by ourselves. Then we drove to George's house. This took 50 minutes exactly. When we got there we got out at the top of the road and us doggies and Mummy walked down to George's house and Daddy and the minihumans went in the car and George and Aunty Jayne came out to meet us. George was wearing a smart red coat, he looked very nice and very handsome. We was very pleased to meet him after all this time, and Aunty Jayne too of course. So Aunty Jayne invited us in and we went in and met Winston and Uncle Hudad. Winston was very cute and him and Lotty did running up and down the stairs and all around and Lotty knocked a ornament over with her waggy tail but it OK it not broked. Then her got a bit excited and did a few wees. That was norty. Then we went in the kitchen and borrowed a quiche. It was nice. Mummy was very cross though, she said we had no right to borrow a quiche and she was ashamed of us.
Then George and Winston showed us their garden, it was raining so we didn't stay outside long. It much colder up in the North than it is at home me notice.
Then the humans had some lunch, Aunty Jayne did put on a good spread. Oh and we all give each other presents. And we liked the fishies, them was cute. And then me and George sat next to each other on the settee for some photos then we had a nap while the humans told each other how much they loved us (probably, I don't know, I was asleep). While I was asleep Carly decided she liked the rug and it was hers so anytime anybody put a toe on the rug she growled at them. She's like that you know. And too soon it was time to go home. We had to be back at the hotel by 3.50 cos it New Years Eve and they wanted to lock up early. Daddy paranoid that there be traffic on the motorway so him not want to leave it too late. Mummy say don't be stupid, there won't be any traffic today. Anyway we gets on the motorway and the traffic at a standstill. Daddy be all haha I told you so. But anyway it soon get moving and we get back to the hotel in plenty of time and we go back to our room and lounge about before dinner.
So the humans went back to Nanny and Grandads and got changed into their party clothes and drove to Aunty Mic's house for the New Years Party. Mummy norty and disgraces herself by drinking too much tizer and vodka, making accidentally racist comments in front of Uncle Rob's mother and wiping the floor with everyone at trivial pursuit. Me will elaborate:
So Mummy wants vodka but she also wants tizer so she has them both, in the same glass. Then they has 4 music on the telly in the background and they is showing music videos (obviously) and Mummy says she likes Will.i.am and Usher. And she say she not normally attracted to black men but she likes them two. And everyone says that's a bit racist, and her says no it's not, it's like saying I don't normally fancy ginger men but I likes Rick Astley. And then her says she likes Will Young too. And Aunty Mic laugh and say him the whitest black man she ever seen. And Mummy say she means Will Smith. Anyway then Grandma walks in and Mummy says "Grandma does you like black men?" And Grandma say "WHAT? I'm not your Grandma" and Mummy say "Sorry Mummy, this tizer too bubbly, it gone to my head". Then Mummy realise Uncle Rob's Mum stood behind Grandma and she thinks Mummy a stupid and norty person.
Then they has their tea. Aunty Mic made some good noms and them all eats lots of lovely foodies. After tea them played trivial pursuit with a box from the 1980s. Everybody had to pull wedges out of a box to pick their team. Mummy and Tom was partners and them won good. I think everyone surprised that Mummy was good at trivial pursuit. But because the bubbles from the tizer had gone to Mummys head she kept forgetting and telling everybody else the answers too. Tom say they would have won in half the time if her didn't keep giving other people the answers, like when her went to the toilet and had an urge to randomly shout Charlie Chaplin down the stairs just as Grandad was asking a question that the answer was Charlie Chaplin. When her got downstairs Tom did shake his head crossly and her go "What I do?" Anyway Daddy say one day Channel 4 will make a documentary about Mummy and her ability to remember useless crap.
Them all sleep at Aunty Mic's that night and the next day Aunty Mic make bacon and egg muffins like McDonalds. Her call them MicMuffins. Then my humans say goodbye and them go back to Nanny and Grandads. Them couldn't come and see us cos the hotel was closed to visitors all day but when them drove past Uncle Jed's car was outside so them know there people there looking after us.
Nanny and Grandad have 4 didgibox recorders. We wonder why til we see how much stuff they record. Practically every programme on telly. Mummy have a wacky thought and suggest they watch something on live telly but everybody look at her like she suggested they go skinny dipping in the river severn. Them watched the Wizard of Oz and Up and Tangled. Them was all good films apparently.
Nanny and Grandad did some Nanny and Grandadisms for us laughing pleasure. Small selection for you:
Grandad: "That's a very good film I haven't seen"
Nanny: "Barrie, put the bread in the fridge"
Nanny: "Was James May in the Who?"
Daddy: "No that was Brian May"
Tom: "Brian May was in Queen"
Nanny" "Are they brothers? They've both got mad hair"
The next day our humans came to pick us up from the hotel so we say goodbye to all the nice servants and get in the car and go home. We is half way home when mummy say "OH S**T. I forgot all the dogs stuff".
Her managed to leave behind three anti gulp bowls, a water bowl, two nylabones, Carly's favourite stuffless fox and a big bag of food. She even asked the boy if he remembered the extra discount cos we brought our own food. Her said her would phone them the next day and ask them to put everything to one side for Nanny to pick up and Daddy can get it when him go up to see them in February. In the meantime we need to stop at a shop and get something for our tea cos we got no foodies. Luckily we got lots of toys and spare food bowls.
So we stop at Asda, me not say where it was in case anyone reading this is from that town cos me is about to insult that town. So as we driving in we see a man driving down an embankment and over some bollards to get away from the petrol station without paying. Then we see a boy about Bryn's age having a cigarette while he watches his mum put the shopping in the car. Then we see two little girls about six years old wearing thigh high stiletto heeled boots, them looked like baby prostitutes. Mummy and Daddy look at each other and say "Welcome to ******!"
So Mummy and Katie went in and bought sandwiches for everyone and food for our tea. Daddy say for the last night of our christmas holidays him will take the humans out for dinner to the Beefeater so Mummy not bother buying anything for tea.
When we get home Mummy try and book a table at the beefeater but they is booked up, and the next night so them book a table for friday instead and have fish fingers for their tea. Then we doggies have to have a bath cos the humans say them not like the smell from the hotel, it smell of jeyes fluid and smelly dog. So me not speak to Mummy, me go and lie next to Daddy instead.
The next day,Thursday, Mummy goes to work early and Daddy goes to the dentist and takes Katie to her boyfriends house then he goes to work. Tom and Bryn do look after us. When Mummy at work the estate agent phones and says someone wants to come and view the house on Sunday. We very excited, we got a viewing already. We not expect any activity for months. The house needs a good clean cos it a right mess.
When Mummy get home from work, me still not speaking to her but Lotty and Carly have both taken to following Mummy round. They both want to be closest to her so they walk together, right behind her at all times. Mummy calls them her demon bridesmaids and trips over them a hundred times a day.
On Friday Mummy not in work so we stay home and do cleaning ready for the people coming to view the house. In the evening the humans go to the beefeater for tea without us.
On Saturday, yesterday, Katie gets up really early and gets the bus into Newport to meet her friends. It's my gotcha day and the postlady brings me a lovely pink blankie from my sister Sadie. I love it. We have some cuddles and then the estate agent phones and says she hasn't been able to get hold of the people who is coming to view the house to confirm the time so she not know if they coming or not. Mummy think great, we probably cleaning for nothing then.
Then Mummy, Daddy and Bryn go to Ikea to buy a rug to cover the wee stain in the hall. Tom stay home to look after us. When they is in Ikea they take lots of photos of Bryn pretending to do poos in the toilets. They are stupid like that. Bryn gets fed up in the end of Mummy telling him to do his pooing face so she tells him to pretend to sleep in a cot bed instead. They don't buy a rug cos they are all too expensive. Daddy says he will clean the wee stain instead. Which to be perfectly honest is what he should have done in the first place. But they do buy lots of things they didn't go for. Like 5 pictures of animals in amusing costumes, a big bag of spiced apple scented tealights and a tealight holder. Mummy is like totally obsessed with tealights and candles.
Then they had hotdogs, chips and coke in the cafe. Then they went to Marks and Spencer to spend the gift vouchers Mummy and Daddy have had for years. They bought a new duvet cover and pillowcases. The colour says it is light heather. It the colour of the lavender bush what Horace likes to sleep under.
Then them come home and Mummy say her will take us for a walk and Tom say him only just got back so we watch telly instead then we have tea. Carly gets a baked potato with every meal. Not fair. I want one.
Today we made the house all nice in the hope that the people would come and view it but they never came. Never mind. *sighs*
When we get to Uncle Jed's hotel for discerning gentledogs and princesses, we go in and the nice girl takes us to our hotel room while Mummy and Daddy fill some forms in. Then we relax in our hotel room until the servants bring our tea and let us go for a run in the paddock.
At Nanny and Grandads them had a posh dinner and exchanged christmas presents.
In the morning our humans came to get us and we were very pleased to see them and when Daddy opened the boot we all jumped in by ourselves. Then we drove to George's house. This took 50 minutes exactly. When we got there we got out at the top of the road and us doggies and Mummy walked down to George's house and Daddy and the minihumans went in the car and George and Aunty Jayne came out to meet us. George was wearing a smart red coat, he looked very nice and very handsome. We was very pleased to meet him after all this time, and Aunty Jayne too of course. So Aunty Jayne invited us in and we went in and met Winston and Uncle Hudad. Winston was very cute and him and Lotty did running up and down the stairs and all around and Lotty knocked a ornament over with her waggy tail but it OK it not broked. Then her got a bit excited and did a few wees. That was norty. Then we went in the kitchen and borrowed a quiche. It was nice. Mummy was very cross though, she said we had no right to borrow a quiche and she was ashamed of us.
Then George and Winston showed us their garden, it was raining so we didn't stay outside long. It much colder up in the North than it is at home me notice.
Then the humans had some lunch, Aunty Jayne did put on a good spread. Oh and we all give each other presents. And we liked the fishies, them was cute. And then me and George sat next to each other on the settee for some photos then we had a nap while the humans told each other how much they loved us (probably, I don't know, I was asleep). While I was asleep Carly decided she liked the rug and it was hers so anytime anybody put a toe on the rug she growled at them. She's like that you know. And too soon it was time to go home. We had to be back at the hotel by 3.50 cos it New Years Eve and they wanted to lock up early. Daddy paranoid that there be traffic on the motorway so him not want to leave it too late. Mummy say don't be stupid, there won't be any traffic today. Anyway we gets on the motorway and the traffic at a standstill. Daddy be all haha I told you so. But anyway it soon get moving and we get back to the hotel in plenty of time and we go back to our room and lounge about before dinner.So the humans went back to Nanny and Grandads and got changed into their party clothes and drove to Aunty Mic's house for the New Years Party. Mummy norty and disgraces herself by drinking too much tizer and vodka, making accidentally racist comments in front of Uncle Rob's mother and wiping the floor with everyone at trivial pursuit. Me will elaborate:
So Mummy wants vodka but she also wants tizer so she has them both, in the same glass. Then they has 4 music on the telly in the background and they is showing music videos (obviously) and Mummy says she likes Will.i.am and Usher. And she say she not normally attracted to black men but she likes them two. And everyone says that's a bit racist, and her says no it's not, it's like saying I don't normally fancy ginger men but I likes Rick Astley. And then her says she likes Will Young too. And Aunty Mic laugh and say him the whitest black man she ever seen. And Mummy say she means Will Smith. Anyway then Grandma walks in and Mummy says "Grandma does you like black men?" And Grandma say "WHAT? I'm not your Grandma" and Mummy say "Sorry Mummy, this tizer too bubbly, it gone to my head". Then Mummy realise Uncle Rob's Mum stood behind Grandma and she thinks Mummy a stupid and norty person. Then they has their tea. Aunty Mic made some good noms and them all eats lots of lovely foodies. After tea them played trivial pursuit with a box from the 1980s. Everybody had to pull wedges out of a box to pick their team. Mummy and Tom was partners and them won good. I think everyone surprised that Mummy was good at trivial pursuit. But because the bubbles from the tizer had gone to Mummys head she kept forgetting and telling everybody else the answers too. Tom say they would have won in half the time if her didn't keep giving other people the answers, like when her went to the toilet and had an urge to randomly shout Charlie Chaplin down the stairs just as Grandad was asking a question that the answer was Charlie Chaplin. When her got downstairs Tom did shake his head crossly and her go "What I do?" Anyway Daddy say one day Channel 4 will make a documentary about Mummy and her ability to remember useless crap.
Them all sleep at Aunty Mic's that night and the next day Aunty Mic make bacon and egg muffins like McDonalds. Her call them MicMuffins. Then my humans say goodbye and them go back to Nanny and Grandads. Them couldn't come and see us cos the hotel was closed to visitors all day but when them drove past Uncle Jed's car was outside so them know there people there looking after us.
Nanny and Grandad have 4 didgibox recorders. We wonder why til we see how much stuff they record. Practically every programme on telly. Mummy have a wacky thought and suggest they watch something on live telly but everybody look at her like she suggested they go skinny dipping in the river severn. Them watched the Wizard of Oz and Up and Tangled. Them was all good films apparently.
Nanny and Grandad did some Nanny and Grandadisms for us laughing pleasure. Small selection for you:
Grandad: "That's a very good film I haven't seen"
Nanny: "Barrie, put the bread in the fridge"
Nanny: "Was James May in the Who?"
Daddy: "No that was Brian May"
Tom: "Brian May was in Queen"
Nanny" "Are they brothers? They've both got mad hair"
The next day our humans came to pick us up from the hotel so we say goodbye to all the nice servants and get in the car and go home. We is half way home when mummy say "OH S**T. I forgot all the dogs stuff".
Her managed to leave behind three anti gulp bowls, a water bowl, two nylabones, Carly's favourite stuffless fox and a big bag of food. She even asked the boy if he remembered the extra discount cos we brought our own food. Her said her would phone them the next day and ask them to put everything to one side for Nanny to pick up and Daddy can get it when him go up to see them in February. In the meantime we need to stop at a shop and get something for our tea cos we got no foodies. Luckily we got lots of toys and spare food bowls.
So we stop at Asda, me not say where it was in case anyone reading this is from that town cos me is about to insult that town. So as we driving in we see a man driving down an embankment and over some bollards to get away from the petrol station without paying. Then we see a boy about Bryn's age having a cigarette while he watches his mum put the shopping in the car. Then we see two little girls about six years old wearing thigh high stiletto heeled boots, them looked like baby prostitutes. Mummy and Daddy look at each other and say "Welcome to ******!"
So Mummy and Katie went in and bought sandwiches for everyone and food for our tea. Daddy say for the last night of our christmas holidays him will take the humans out for dinner to the Beefeater so Mummy not bother buying anything for tea.
When we get home Mummy try and book a table at the beefeater but they is booked up, and the next night so them book a table for friday instead and have fish fingers for their tea. Then we doggies have to have a bath cos the humans say them not like the smell from the hotel, it smell of jeyes fluid and smelly dog. So me not speak to Mummy, me go and lie next to Daddy instead.
The next day,Thursday, Mummy goes to work early and Daddy goes to the dentist and takes Katie to her boyfriends house then he goes to work. Tom and Bryn do look after us. When Mummy at work the estate agent phones and says someone wants to come and view the house on Sunday. We very excited, we got a viewing already. We not expect any activity for months. The house needs a good clean cos it a right mess.
When Mummy get home from work, me still not speaking to her but Lotty and Carly have both taken to following Mummy round. They both want to be closest to her so they walk together, right behind her at all times. Mummy calls them her demon bridesmaids and trips over them a hundred times a day.
On Friday Mummy not in work so we stay home and do cleaning ready for the people coming to view the house. In the evening the humans go to the beefeater for tea without us.
Then they had hotdogs, chips and coke in the cafe. Then they went to Marks and Spencer to spend the gift vouchers Mummy and Daddy have had for years. They bought a new duvet cover and pillowcases. The colour says it is light heather. It the colour of the lavender bush what Horace likes to sleep under.
Then them come home and Mummy say her will take us for a walk and Tom say him only just got back so we watch telly instead then we have tea. Carly gets a baked potato with every meal. Not fair. I want one.
Today we made the house all nice in the hope that the people would come and view it but they never came. Never mind. *sighs*
Friday, 28 December 2012
3 days til twinny day. By Bessie
Counting down to when we go to George and Winston's house. I still haven't got a clue what I'm doing on this laptop but I have managed to transfer all my stuff from the other laptop.
Daddy is watching some Swedish film with subtitles. Mummy can't watch things with subtitles. Not cos she's thick or anything, she just doesn't watch telly with her eyes. She normally only listens to the telly.
Grandma and Grandad went home this morning. But we will see them again at Aunty Mic's New Year party.
Yesterday we went for a walk with Grandma and Grandad. For tea we had another christmas dinner. We got a dinner too, we had yorkshire pudding, chikin and piggies in blankies. But when Mummy went to get the jug of gravy Daddy thought she'd finished and had poured it down the sink so we had it dry. It was lovely anyway.
Daddy is watching some Swedish film with subtitles. Mummy can't watch things with subtitles. Not cos she's thick or anything, she just doesn't watch telly with her eyes. She normally only listens to the telly.
Grandma and Grandad went home this morning. But we will see them again at Aunty Mic's New Year party.
Yesterday we went for a walk with Grandma and Grandad. For tea we had another christmas dinner. We got a dinner too, we had yorkshire pudding, chikin and piggies in blankies. But when Mummy went to get the jug of gravy Daddy thought she'd finished and had poured it down the sink so we had it dry. It was lovely anyway.
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Christmas! By Bessie
Happy Boxing Day everybody. I'm writing to you from Mummy's new laptop what Daddy bought her for Christmas. Him did good! It got Windows 8 so we not really know what we're doing yet.
On Christmas Eve Katie went to a party and Daddy had to go and pick her up from Newport at 8 o'clock. Mummy was cross because she said we should all be together on Christmas Eve. Then the minihumans wouldn't go to bed and Mummy ended up staying up til about 2 in the morning cos she wanted to put the presents in their stockings when them was asleep.
On Christmas morning the smallest minihumans came in about 9am to show us what they got in their stockings then Mummy went in to Toms room to see if him opened his but him said him not feel well and him want to stay in bed. Then Katie throwed a strop cos her wanted to open presents in the lounge but Mummy said we all has to go and have breakfast first but we has to wait for Tom. Anyway Tom did take some tablets and him come down and him say him feel a bit better. Then we has breakfast and Katie stay upstairs on the computer skyping her friends and Mummy get really cross and Daddy say chill out and Mummy say her can't chill out cos her not stopped spending money and cooking and buying and wrapping presents and baking cakes and writing and posting cards and decorating the house and all so everybody else can sit around doing nothing.
And then when her finished having a tantrum her made us all belgian waffles and then we did go in the lounge and us doggies did open our presents first. We did all get a new ball and some biscuits and some fishy treats and Tiger did send me and Lotty a chewy bone and Carly a squeaky. And we did love our presents. Then we did go and play with our toys in the kitchen while the humans opened their presents.
Mummy had said to Daddy ages ago her not got much money this year so shall they not buy each other presents but Daddy say him already bought Mummy one and her say how much shall she spend then? And Daddy say him not say and Mummy say her want to spend the same so Daddy say spend £15 so her got him a itunes voucher and a choklit bar. So when Mummy do open her presents off Daddy him gotted her a bar of white choklit and some biskits and some coke and a...LAPTOP! Her so excited and surprised.
The minihumans bought Mummy and Daddy a picnic basket...which looks just like the one Bryn won in the pass the parcel at the basset club christmas party. Hmmm...
Tom did get a lord of the rings xbox game and some jeans and 2 shirts and a t-shirt and a cushion with a Bessie on it and some razors for his beard and some smelly for him armpits and some choklits and some gloves and a dvd and a jar of sweets.
Katie did get new trainers and a wooly bobble hat and a skater skirt and some leggings and slippers and choklits and gloves and 2 dvds and a olly murrs cd and a teddy and a jar of sweets and some smelly armpit spray and socks.
Bryn did get new shoes and a fifa 13 xbox game and a shirt and chinos and a guns n roses t-shirt and a dvd and a bruno marrs cd and a teddy and a cuddly basset and gloves and choklits and a jar of sweets and smelly spray for his armpits and some lego what Mummy definitely didn't get free with a newspaper.
Then we went for a walk, we walked down to the zebra crossing then back up poo alley. Mummy say we not going down the castle today cos we got too dirty last time and her not well enough to bath us today.
Then we did have christmas dinner. The humans had tatty and leek soup and bread rolls for starters. Mummy bought a chikin roast from Iceland and it shrivelled up in the oven so there was only enough for one slice each for the humans. Luckily her made loads of other things to go with it so we had piggies in blankies for our dinner. The humans had chikin and piggies in blankies and stuffing and roast and mash tatties and roast parsnips and yorkshire puddings and carrot and swede mash and green beans and sprouts with gammon pieces and chestnuts and bread sauce, gravy and cranberry sauce. Except Katie, she had a pot noodle cos when Mummy asked her whether she wanted a nut roast or a quorn roast her said neither, her wanted a pot noodle. So that what her got. And we did all pull crackers. Mummy got a sticker, Tom got a green ring, Katie got some plastic lips.
After dinner we did watch some telly. Mummy did wake up with a stiff neck and it did keep getting sorer until by the time Mummy and Daddy finished clearing up after lunch her was feeling sick with pain so her did bring her bedding down and lie on the settee. We did lie on top of her to make her feel better. We watched some films and Come dine with me and doctor who and then Mummy made sandwiches and christmas pudding for tea. Then we watched Eastenders and Derek did get killed just like we guessed he would. Except we thought him would be murdered and them wouldn't know who'd done it, but him had a heart attack and dropped dead. And we watched Call the midwife and Downton abbey. And then it was time for bed.
We is happy to say Mummy's neck is much betterer today, it still sore but she can cope with it. Mummy said everybody had to spend one hour helping tidy ready for Grandma and Grandad then we could relax for the rest of the day. So we did all help clean the toilets and hoover and change the bedding on all the beds. Then Mummy made bubble and squeak for lunch and then we sat and watched Mummy set her new laptop up and we had a nap and in a couple of hours Grandma and Grandad will be coming for our second Christmas.
Ooh and Horace did wake up from hibernation this morning. We no idea why him woke up so early but him was wide awake so the minihumans did get him some water and some salad.
On Christmas Eve Katie went to a party and Daddy had to go and pick her up from Newport at 8 o'clock. Mummy was cross because she said we should all be together on Christmas Eve. Then the minihumans wouldn't go to bed and Mummy ended up staying up til about 2 in the morning cos she wanted to put the presents in their stockings when them was asleep.
On Christmas morning the smallest minihumans came in about 9am to show us what they got in their stockings then Mummy went in to Toms room to see if him opened his but him said him not feel well and him want to stay in bed. Then Katie throwed a strop cos her wanted to open presents in the lounge but Mummy said we all has to go and have breakfast first but we has to wait for Tom. Anyway Tom did take some tablets and him come down and him say him feel a bit better. Then we has breakfast and Katie stay upstairs on the computer skyping her friends and Mummy get really cross and Daddy say chill out and Mummy say her can't chill out cos her not stopped spending money and cooking and buying and wrapping presents and baking cakes and writing and posting cards and decorating the house and all so everybody else can sit around doing nothing.
And then when her finished having a tantrum her made us all belgian waffles and then we did go in the lounge and us doggies did open our presents first. We did all get a new ball and some biscuits and some fishy treats and Tiger did send me and Lotty a chewy bone and Carly a squeaky. And we did love our presents. Then we did go and play with our toys in the kitchen while the humans opened their presents.
Mummy had said to Daddy ages ago her not got much money this year so shall they not buy each other presents but Daddy say him already bought Mummy one and her say how much shall she spend then? And Daddy say him not say and Mummy say her want to spend the same so Daddy say spend £15 so her got him a itunes voucher and a choklit bar. So when Mummy do open her presents off Daddy him gotted her a bar of white choklit and some biskits and some coke and a...LAPTOP! Her so excited and surprised.
The minihumans bought Mummy and Daddy a picnic basket...which looks just like the one Bryn won in the pass the parcel at the basset club christmas party. Hmmm...
Tom did get a lord of the rings xbox game and some jeans and 2 shirts and a t-shirt and a cushion with a Bessie on it and some razors for his beard and some smelly for him armpits and some choklits and some gloves and a dvd and a jar of sweets.
Katie did get new trainers and a wooly bobble hat and a skater skirt and some leggings and slippers and choklits and gloves and 2 dvds and a olly murrs cd and a teddy and a jar of sweets and some smelly armpit spray and socks.
Bryn did get new shoes and a fifa 13 xbox game and a shirt and chinos and a guns n roses t-shirt and a dvd and a bruno marrs cd and a teddy and a cuddly basset and gloves and choklits and a jar of sweets and smelly spray for his armpits and some lego what Mummy definitely didn't get free with a newspaper.
Then we went for a walk, we walked down to the zebra crossing then back up poo alley. Mummy say we not going down the castle today cos we got too dirty last time and her not well enough to bath us today.
Then we did have christmas dinner. The humans had tatty and leek soup and bread rolls for starters. Mummy bought a chikin roast from Iceland and it shrivelled up in the oven so there was only enough for one slice each for the humans. Luckily her made loads of other things to go with it so we had piggies in blankies for our dinner. The humans had chikin and piggies in blankies and stuffing and roast and mash tatties and roast parsnips and yorkshire puddings and carrot and swede mash and green beans and sprouts with gammon pieces and chestnuts and bread sauce, gravy and cranberry sauce. Except Katie, she had a pot noodle cos when Mummy asked her whether she wanted a nut roast or a quorn roast her said neither, her wanted a pot noodle. So that what her got. And we did all pull crackers. Mummy got a sticker, Tom got a green ring, Katie got some plastic lips.
After dinner we did watch some telly. Mummy did wake up with a stiff neck and it did keep getting sorer until by the time Mummy and Daddy finished clearing up after lunch her was feeling sick with pain so her did bring her bedding down and lie on the settee. We did lie on top of her to make her feel better. We watched some films and Come dine with me and doctor who and then Mummy made sandwiches and christmas pudding for tea. Then we watched Eastenders and Derek did get killed just like we guessed he would. Except we thought him would be murdered and them wouldn't know who'd done it, but him had a heart attack and dropped dead. And we watched Call the midwife and Downton abbey. And then it was time for bed.
We is happy to say Mummy's neck is much betterer today, it still sore but she can cope with it. Mummy said everybody had to spend one hour helping tidy ready for Grandma and Grandad then we could relax for the rest of the day. So we did all help clean the toilets and hoover and change the bedding on all the beds. Then Mummy made bubble and squeak for lunch and then we sat and watched Mummy set her new laptop up and we had a nap and in a couple of hours Grandma and Grandad will be coming for our second Christmas.
Ooh and Horace did wake up from hibernation this morning. We no idea why him woke up so early but him was wide awake so the minihumans did get him some water and some salad.
Monday, 24 December 2012
I'm not a dickhead, get me out of here. By Sam
Oh my god I wish someone would buy my house quickly. I need to get out of this godforsaken town full of total knobheads.
Merry Christmas everyone else!
Merry Christmas everyone else!
Christmas Eve. By Bessie
We made up a recipe for liver sausage and apple sauce dog biscuits. Here it is if you want to make them youself:
200g plain flour
1 egg
2 tbsp liver sausage (the Tesco value one is good cos it's nice and mushy)
2 tbsp apple sauce
Mix all the ingredients to a firm dough. Add more flour if it's too wet or more apple sauce if it too dry.
Roll out onto a floured board to about 1cm thick and cut shapes with cookie cutter. Put on greased baking tray and bake at 175c for 10 minutes.
200g plain flour
1 egg
2 tbsp liver sausage (the Tesco value one is good cos it's nice and mushy)
2 tbsp apple sauce
Mix all the ingredients to a firm dough. Add more flour if it's too wet or more apple sauce if it too dry.
Roll out onto a floured board to about 1cm thick and cut shapes with cookie cutter. Put on greased baking tray and bake at 175c for 10 minutes.
We made trifle today and the humans had it for their tea.
Tomorrow it's Christmas! We is excited. We went for a walk down the castle. We not been down there all week cos it's been raining til today. We was shocked when we got down there cos it all under water.
When we got home we had a baff. We didn't want a baff but actually (don't tell Mummy) it wasn't too bad. It actually quite nice to have soft fluffy hair.
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Bessie's very quick review of her year.
In January Mummy became South Wales rep for Basset Welfare. I Lost my pink kong. Darcy went to the bridge, it was very very sad. We went for a walk with Aunty Diane and Uncle Barry, it was really cold and Carly did an exploding poo in the car but we had a lovely time anyway.
In February I found my pink kong, it was in Hamish's underpants drawer. Mummy discovered who her real friends are. And who her real enemies are, funnily enough they were the people she suspected all along.
In March Blue and I set a date for the wedding, 12th May. Mummy's Great Aunty Flo died, she was 96. Mummy did go up to Grandma and Grandad's for the funeral.
In April we did put our house on the market and took Katie out of school because she was being bullied by some horrid people. Bimmer went to the rainbow bridge, I was very very sad about this. Katie's story was published in Cuddly Bears book. I was a bridesmaid at Sadie's wedding.
In May Blue went to the rainbow bridge exactly one week before our wedding, my heart broke that night and I not know if it ever be mended. On the day we was supposed to be married we had our first foster dog come into welfare. Her name was Lotty, I don't think we're very good at fostering cos she's still here! We rehomed Odie. And we went on a basset walk in a forest, I may have started a pack rampage against some gundogs.
In June I started my blog. And we rehomed Hector.
In July we rehomed Henry, Bertie and Missy and Mummy and me met Jefferson and his family, they are lovely people. Bryn had tea with the Archbishop of Canterbury. We finally started getting viewings on the house.
In August Lotty started agility training with Miss Connie. Grandma and Grandad came to stay. Tom passed his english gcse and got on the course he wanted at college. It rained most of the month but we did manage to have one day nice enough to go to the beach and have chips. We liked the Olympics, especially the horsey events and the swimming.
In September we had our auction in the piano bar, we raised £1100. Katie went to a new school and Bryn started big school. Lyndsey bunny went to the bridge, her was very old and very sick. Aunty Ellen and JeffersonGranneez came to visit and we had a lovely time. Daddy got us into Eastenders. The Hillsborough 96 finally started to get justice when the truth came out about what really happened that day. We won first prize in the fancy dress at the basset club fun day. Carly discovered squirrels and became spiderbasset. Mummy went cold turkey off painkillers and didn't even make it 24 hours before her was very sick.
In October we met Inca, MummyLouise and DaddyKeith when they came to stay and Mummy went with them to Many Tears to fetch Rufus. Mummy had a cuddle off a baby basset while she was there. Mummy finally got new dr martens after 16 years of wearing the same knackered old boots. Lotty weed in mummys handbag and she took it to work smelling of wee. We went on a basset walk which was so wet and muddy we nearly drowned. We finally got rid of the people calling for Alison Vettus (touch wood).
In November daddy grew a moustache for Movember. Mummy, Bryn and Carly collected for many tears, they raised £541.22. Mummy invented giant jaffa cakes for Toms 20th birthday. Mummy started writing a book. My humans met Amelia Lily from X Factor. She came 3rd last year and Daddy broke a lamp at the Beefeater.
In December Mummy finally bought a trifle dish but still hasn't made trifle. We are meeting George at the end of the month, this is something we are very very excited about. Mummy left a bag of poo on the roof of the car on the way to the basset club Christmas party.
In February I found my pink kong, it was in Hamish's underpants drawer. Mummy discovered who her real friends are. And who her real enemies are, funnily enough they were the people she suspected all along.
In March Blue and I set a date for the wedding, 12th May. Mummy's Great Aunty Flo died, she was 96. Mummy did go up to Grandma and Grandad's for the funeral.
In April we did put our house on the market and took Katie out of school because she was being bullied by some horrid people. Bimmer went to the rainbow bridge, I was very very sad about this. Katie's story was published in Cuddly Bears book. I was a bridesmaid at Sadie's wedding.
In May Blue went to the rainbow bridge exactly one week before our wedding, my heart broke that night and I not know if it ever be mended. On the day we was supposed to be married we had our first foster dog come into welfare. Her name was Lotty, I don't think we're very good at fostering cos she's still here! We rehomed Odie. And we went on a basset walk in a forest, I may have started a pack rampage against some gundogs.
In June I started my blog. And we rehomed Hector.
In July we rehomed Henry, Bertie and Missy and Mummy and me met Jefferson and his family, they are lovely people. Bryn had tea with the Archbishop of Canterbury. We finally started getting viewings on the house.
In August Lotty started agility training with Miss Connie. Grandma and Grandad came to stay. Tom passed his english gcse and got on the course he wanted at college. It rained most of the month but we did manage to have one day nice enough to go to the beach and have chips. We liked the Olympics, especially the horsey events and the swimming.
In September we had our auction in the piano bar, we raised £1100. Katie went to a new school and Bryn started big school. Lyndsey bunny went to the bridge, her was very old and very sick. Aunty Ellen and JeffersonGranneez came to visit and we had a lovely time. Daddy got us into Eastenders. The Hillsborough 96 finally started to get justice when the truth came out about what really happened that day. We won first prize in the fancy dress at the basset club fun day. Carly discovered squirrels and became spiderbasset. Mummy went cold turkey off painkillers and didn't even make it 24 hours before her was very sick.
In October we met Inca, MummyLouise and DaddyKeith when they came to stay and Mummy went with them to Many Tears to fetch Rufus. Mummy had a cuddle off a baby basset while she was there. Mummy finally got new dr martens after 16 years of wearing the same knackered old boots. Lotty weed in mummys handbag and she took it to work smelling of wee. We went on a basset walk which was so wet and muddy we nearly drowned. We finally got rid of the people calling for Alison Vettus (touch wood).
In November daddy grew a moustache for Movember. Mummy, Bryn and Carly collected for many tears, they raised £541.22. Mummy invented giant jaffa cakes for Toms 20th birthday. Mummy started writing a book. My humans met Amelia Lily from X Factor. She came 3rd last year and Daddy broke a lamp at the Beefeater.
In December Mummy finally bought a trifle dish but still hasn't made trifle. We are meeting George at the end of the month, this is something we are very very excited about. Mummy left a bag of poo on the roof of the car on the way to the basset club Christmas party.
Monday, 17 December 2012
Snizzle? Get outta here. By Bessie
So nothing much happened this week. Mostly it rained. Or was freezing cold. Or both. The man on the weather said it was snizzling. Him said him made a new word, a cross between snow and drizzle. So you mean sleet then? You don't need to make up a new word for something that already has a name Mr Weatherman, you're not Daddy.
Mummy woke up on Wednesday morning in a blind panic. Her had a dream it was Christmas morning and she hadn't started her Christmas shopping. So she got up nice and early and went to Cardiff and bought every single present in one trip. Her was very pleased with herself.
She also got this strange urge to decorate the house in a 1970s style so she bought loads of paper chains and foil garlands. Daddy was very polite and didn't go "What the F..." when him come home from work that night.
Mummy and Daddy went on their works Christmas night out on Thursday. This makes a good change because last year they didn't have one at all and the year before they had it in March. Only Mummy couldn't remember what she wanted to eat so she had to text the minihumans to ask Bryn what he had last time he went to the Indian restaurant.
This is the reply she got: "Chicken Tikka something with chicken or fish or something - he said he had a salady kebab thing" So that's what she ordered. It was Tandoori Chicken Tikka by the way and very nice it was too apparently.
On Saturday Mummy and Daddy went to Chepstow. Mummy been after a trifle dish for years. Daddy said go to Marks and Spencer but her said she wants an old fashioned one, big heavy patterned glass bowl with a silver trim. Well her has seen them over the years but she always says it's too small, too big, too expensive etc so them decided they would go and find one in one of the junk shops and spend up to £5. Well anyway they found the perfect bowl in the first shop they went in and it was £2. Mummy also seen some little basset ornaments and lots of tat that she doesn't need and Daddy had to talk her out of bringing it all home.
Yesterday it was my birthday. I don't know how old I am, somewhere between 7 and 10 I think. I got a squeaky piggy and some bacon treats.
Mummy woke up on Wednesday morning in a blind panic. Her had a dream it was Christmas morning and she hadn't started her Christmas shopping. So she got up nice and early and went to Cardiff and bought every single present in one trip. Her was very pleased with herself.
She also got this strange urge to decorate the house in a 1970s style so she bought loads of paper chains and foil garlands. Daddy was very polite and didn't go "What the F..." when him come home from work that night.
Mummy and Daddy went on their works Christmas night out on Thursday. This makes a good change because last year they didn't have one at all and the year before they had it in March. Only Mummy couldn't remember what she wanted to eat so she had to text the minihumans to ask Bryn what he had last time he went to the Indian restaurant.
This is the reply she got: "Chicken Tikka something with chicken or fish or something - he said he had a salady kebab thing" So that's what she ordered. It was Tandoori Chicken Tikka by the way and very nice it was too apparently.
On Saturday Mummy and Daddy went to Chepstow. Mummy been after a trifle dish for years. Daddy said go to Marks and Spencer but her said she wants an old fashioned one, big heavy patterned glass bowl with a silver trim. Well her has seen them over the years but she always says it's too small, too big, too expensive etc so them decided they would go and find one in one of the junk shops and spend up to £5. Well anyway they found the perfect bowl in the first shop they went in and it was £2. Mummy also seen some little basset ornaments and lots of tat that she doesn't need and Daddy had to talk her out of bringing it all home.
Yesterday it was my birthday. I don't know how old I am, somewhere between 7 and 10 I think. I got a squeaky piggy and some bacon treats.
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Mummy goes a bit senile. By Bessie
Yesterday Mummy phoned the V E T to check if we was all up to date with our vaccinations and them said yes except Lotty hasn't got kennel cough. So Mummy and Daddy took Lotty to get her kennel cough nose squirt and them saw that aussie V E T who always makes rude comments about bassets getting fat and looking like coffee tables. Her has never met me. I wonder what her would say about me. Her probably think I look like a conference table. Then her went to sign the vaccination card and realised that when we first took Lotty for her injections cos she had never had them at her last home she was supposed to have puppy vaccinations and was supposed to go back two weeks for the next lot. Except nobody told Mummy this so she thought Lotty was just having an annual booster. Anyway luckily she had been charged for the course so she didn't need to pay again so the V E T started Lotty's puppy vaccinations again and Mummy got to remember to take her back for the other one this time. Then when them came out to pay for the kenel cough the receptionist say they can't go out yet cos the police are outside with a dangerous dog. So they waited inside for a bit then the receptionist went and checked and said they can go but to go quickly past the police van and not get too close so them did that. There was 3 police officers with them long sticks with hooks on the end, and 4 V E Ts and the van was shaking all over the place and the dog was woofing it's head off. Mummy said it was very upsetting. That must be a horrible part of the police and the V E Ts jobs to deal with them situations. Them couldn't see the dog cos it was inside the van but the back door was open and through the bars of the cage them could see the outline, it was big and black with a white panel on its chest, that is all they could see. Me wish the dog was being taken somewhere safe but me think probably not. :(
Lotty got weighed at the V E T and she is 17.2 kilos. That mean she put on 3 kilos so we is all happy about that. Then them took her to pets at home and the lady in there gave her some biscuits and them brought some tripe home for our tea.
Daddy made a bird table yesterday and when Mummy came down for breakfast today she looked out the window and there was a robin on the table and she goes "OOH a bird on the table" and Daddy and Bryn was like "yeah whatever" and her thought them was being a bit uninterested. Then her came back a bit later and the bird was still there so Mummy was scared that it had got frozed onto the table overnight so she went out to look and Daddy and Bryn had taken one of the pretend birds off the christmas tree and stuck it on the bird table. Mummy was cross and said they were a**eholes. And they just laughed at her and said they had planned to stick it in a different spot on the table every day til christmas when they was going to put the one with the christmas hat there.
Then we did go to the basset club christmas party and on the way we went round this big sharp bend and Daddy shouts "Sorry doggies" but we did poop in the boot anyway so it was a teeny bit stinky and all the humans was retching and hanging thems head out the windows so Daddy stopped in a layby and Mummy cleaned all the poo out of the back of the car with wet wipes and she put all the poo and dirty wipes in a poo bag and then we all got back in the car and we drove for a bit then Mummy realised her hands stinked of poo so she says to Daddy he needs to stop so she can get the wet wipes out of the accident cleaning kit they keep in the boot. So Daddy stops again and we all get out again and then he opens the box and the wet wipes is not there then Mummy remembers she put the wet wipes and the bag of poo on the roof of the car and them not there now. Then Daddy says Mummy is stupid for leaving anything on the boot and she says I know I've got a crap memory and them all laughs at the thought of someone driving along and the poo flying off the roof and hitting their windscreen and them would go "OH MY GOD I need something to clean that up with" and then a second later a bag of wet wipes would hit their windscreen and them would think them had been sent by God. We did laugh until our heads was hurting. Then we saw a Sainsburys and Daddy ask Mummy if she want to stop so she can go in and wash her hands and her say no we is nearly there now. So her just held her hands in front of her the rest of the way and made sure not to put them near her face.
When we got to the basset show we did meet and greets with all our friends and there was a fun show and we won first prize in the fancy dress AGAIN YAY US. And the humans had baked potatoes and macaroni cheese or beef stew for their lunch and they put Lotty and Carly in the cage while they eated cos they is naughty and I was allowed to sit on the mat. Except I may have jumped up a couple of times but the beef stew did smell yummy. And we met Santa. Him looked a bit like Uncle Alan, but him must be the real Santa cos him had a basset with him and me does know the real Santa loves bassets.
On the way home we got near the lay by where we had stopped and Mummy had put the wet wipes and poo on the roof and Mummy said she wonder if they will see them and Daddy says does her want him to stop if they do and her say not to worry them was only asda smart price not johnsons. Anyway then they see this huge mess of wet wipes covered in muck at the side of the road and Daddy says is Mummy sure her doesn't want her wet wipes back? Them didn't see the poo though.
Lotty got weighed at the V E T and she is 17.2 kilos. That mean she put on 3 kilos so we is all happy about that. Then them took her to pets at home and the lady in there gave her some biscuits and them brought some tripe home for our tea.
Then we did go to the basset club christmas party and on the way we went round this big sharp bend and Daddy shouts "Sorry doggies" but we did poop in the boot anyway so it was a teeny bit stinky and all the humans was retching and hanging thems head out the windows so Daddy stopped in a layby and Mummy cleaned all the poo out of the back of the car with wet wipes and she put all the poo and dirty wipes in a poo bag and then we all got back in the car and we drove for a bit then Mummy realised her hands stinked of poo so she says to Daddy he needs to stop so she can get the wet wipes out of the accident cleaning kit they keep in the boot. So Daddy stops again and we all get out again and then he opens the box and the wet wipes is not there then Mummy remembers she put the wet wipes and the bag of poo on the roof of the car and them not there now. Then Daddy says Mummy is stupid for leaving anything on the boot and she says I know I've got a crap memory and them all laughs at the thought of someone driving along and the poo flying off the roof and hitting their windscreen and them would go "OH MY GOD I need something to clean that up with" and then a second later a bag of wet wipes would hit their windscreen and them would think them had been sent by God. We did laugh until our heads was hurting. Then we saw a Sainsburys and Daddy ask Mummy if she want to stop so she can go in and wash her hands and her say no we is nearly there now. So her just held her hands in front of her the rest of the way and made sure not to put them near her face.
On the way home we got near the lay by where we had stopped and Mummy had put the wet wipes and poo on the roof and Mummy said she wonder if they will see them and Daddy says does her want him to stop if they do and her say not to worry them was only asda smart price not johnsons. Anyway then they see this huge mess of wet wipes covered in muck at the side of the road and Daddy says is Mummy sure her doesn't want her wet wipes back? Them didn't see the poo though.
Monday, 3 December 2012
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones. By Bessie
So many things to tell you. Lemme think...
So a week last Sunday Mummy, Bryn and Carly went into Cardiff city centre to collect for Many Tears. There was other people there too, not just them. They stood for 5 1/2 hours in the freezing cold and they made £541.22 altogether.
So a week last Sunday Mummy, Bryn and Carly went into Cardiff city centre to collect for Many Tears. There was other people there too, not just them. They stood for 5 1/2 hours in the freezing cold and they made £541.22 altogether.
Them did decide they would stay til 3pm then cos it was starting to go dark they would go home. Well at 3pm on the dot it started tipping it down so them went to Burger King and then eated their lunch as they walked back to the car. It was a long walk cos Mummy parked in the park and ride but them not let doggies on the bus so they had to walk into town but at least they didn't have to pay for the car park.
On Friday Grandma and Grandad came to stay for the weekend. Mummy promised if I was good all weekend and not growl, bark or snap then we could all have a bone.
Then Katie's friend Cerys came to stay on Friday cos the human ladies was going Christmas shopping in Cardiff and Mummy wanted to get there early cos her hates crowds and hates queueing so her wanted to be there when the shops opened at nine and home by lunchtime and Katie wanted her friend to come too.
Unfortunately them didn't leave the house until ten. Has you ever tried to get four human ladies dressed and out of the house by nine o'clock? So when them got into town it was PACKED. The old humans and the minihumans did split up. The old humans went to Primark and queued for half an hour just to buy gloves. Then them queued in Poundland to buy advent calendars and our bones.
Then when them was eating their lunch in a cafe the minihumans wanted to meet up so them did and then them finished their shopping and come home and them didn't get home til 5 o'clock.
In the meantime the man humans took us houndies for a walk to Tredegar Park but only me was allowed off lead cos the others chase squirrels.
In the evening Katie and Cerys put the Christmas tree up.
On Sunday Mummy made a roast dinner and velvet cake.
After lunch Grandma and Grandad went home and Mummy and Daddy took us for a walk and then Katie asked if Cerys could stay one more night and Mummy say no cos it's a school night and her say it OK her was still wearing her school uniform when her came on Friday and her didn't need anything what she didn't already have with her, except a packed lunch so Mummy made four packed lunches. Me hope Cerys don't mind the weird stuff my humans have in their lunch boxes.
Then while the humans was eating their tea we had our bones cos me had been good and polite all weekend, them was lovely but then Mummy did take them off us and say we had enough bone for one night.
But me think we had too much bone cos Lotty was awake ALL NIGHT with tummy ache, which meant Mummy was awake ALL NIGHT too with Lotty's tummy ache. Lotty kept getting up and going to the door but then her not want to go out. In the end Mummy got up and took Lotty downstairs cos Daddy was getting cross. Her thought he would be pleased but he wasn't cos after them gone I was sick twice. Then I was sick twice in the day and Carly sick once and we been doing little rock solid poos all over the decking all day and someone weed in the cage when Mummy took the minihumans to school. So Mummy say her never buying them bones again. EVER.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
How many pieces did you want your egg in? By Sam
Five minutes before you leave for work is not the time to be experimenting with food. I thought if I cracked an egg into a bowl and put it in the microwave with a drop of water it would come out like a poached egg.
It didn't.
On the plus side the roof of the microwave needed cleaning anyway.
It didn't.
On the plus side the roof of the microwave needed cleaning anyway.
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Only nerds wear coats in winter...apparently. By Bessie
Conversation between grownuphuman and 2 minihumans:
GUH: Where's your coat?
MH1: (shrugs)
MH2: (shrugs)
GUH: It's 6 degrees out. Aren't you cold?
MH1: Yes
MH2: (shrugs)
GUH: Then wear your coat
MH1: Nobody wears a coat to school
GUH: I've seen people in coats
MH1: Only nerds
GUH: I thought you was a nerd
MH1: NO! Who wants to be a nerd?
GUH: Me
MH1: (Under breath) I can tell
GUH: You're quiet. You've probably caught a cold from not wearing a coat
MH2: (shrugs)
MH1: He should wear a coat. he's a nerd
GUH: No he's not. That's so mean. Oh look see that girl there, she's wearing a coat. She must be a nerd
MH1: She is
GUH: See that girl there, she's wearing a coat. She must be a nerd
MH1: That's a teacher
GUH: See that girl there, she's wearing a coat. She must be a nerd
MH1: That's my boyfriends sister
GUH: I'm telling her you called her a nerd
MH1: I didn't say everyone who wears a coat is a nerd
GUH: Yes you did actually
MH1: (gets out of the car and ignores GUH)
MH2: (also gets out of the car and ignores his loving mummy)
GUH: BBBYYYEEE NERDS
To conclude:
Humans are quite stupid.
Minihumans don't like to wear coats to school but insist on having very expensive coats to wear at all other times.
Minihumans don't like to be called nerds but old humans like it.
GUH: Where's your coat?
MH1: (shrugs)
MH2: (shrugs)
GUH: It's 6 degrees out. Aren't you cold?
MH1: Yes
MH2: (shrugs)
GUH: Then wear your coat
MH1: Nobody wears a coat to school
GUH: I've seen people in coats
MH1: Only nerds
GUH: I thought you was a nerd
MH1: NO! Who wants to be a nerd?
GUH: Me
MH1: (Under breath) I can tell
GUH: You're quiet. You've probably caught a cold from not wearing a coat
MH2: (shrugs)
MH1: He should wear a coat. he's a nerd
GUH: No he's not. That's so mean. Oh look see that girl there, she's wearing a coat. She must be a nerd
MH1: She is
GUH: See that girl there, she's wearing a coat. She must be a nerd
MH1: That's a teacher
GUH: See that girl there, she's wearing a coat. She must be a nerd
MH1: That's my boyfriends sister
GUH: I'm telling her you called her a nerd
MH1: I didn't say everyone who wears a coat is a nerd
GUH: Yes you did actually
MH1: (gets out of the car and ignores GUH)
MH2: (also gets out of the car and ignores his loving mummy)
GUH: BBBYYYEEE NERDS
To conclude:
Humans are quite stupid.
Minihumans don't like to wear coats to school but insist on having very expensive coats to wear at all other times.
Minihumans don't like to be called nerds but old humans like it.
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
My First World Problem for today. By Sam
Mug Shot Pasta... says ready in 5 minutes. Well that's a BIG FAT LIE.
Firstly it took 2 minutes for the kettle to boil.
Then I put the water on and stirred it.
Then I waited 5 minutes.
Then I stirred it again.
Tasted one piece.
Burnt my mouth.
And it was crunchy.
Pasta is not supposed to crunch.
Then I waited another 2 minutes.
Tasted one piece.
Didn't burn my mouth this time.
But it was still crunchy.
Then I waited 2 more minutes.
Ate it.
Still crunchy.
Not nice.
But I was DYING of hunger.
And yes I know you're not supposed to start any sentence with Then, But or And.
But I don't care.
And that didn't fill me up.
Then I ate a bag of crisps.
They weren't crunchy.
They should have been.
My world is all topsy turvy.
Next I'll be drinking iced coffee and hot vimto.
Firstly it took 2 minutes for the kettle to boil.
Then I put the water on and stirred it.
Then I waited 5 minutes.
Then I stirred it again.
Tasted one piece.
Burnt my mouth.
And it was crunchy.
Pasta is not supposed to crunch.
Then I waited another 2 minutes.
Tasted one piece.
Didn't burn my mouth this time.
But it was still crunchy.
Then I waited 2 more minutes.
Ate it.
Still crunchy.
Not nice.
But I was DYING of hunger.
And yes I know you're not supposed to start any sentence with Then, But or And.
But I don't care.
And that didn't fill me up.
Then I ate a bag of crisps.
They weren't crunchy.
They should have been.
My world is all topsy turvy.
Next I'll be drinking iced coffee and hot vimto.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Daddy shows us up in front of a famous person. By Bessie
I can't believe me forgot to tell you this story. So the other day, well actually it was a week last Thursday, my humans had a half price voucher for the Beefeater so they decided to go out for dinner. Well them was eating their dinner when 4 people did come in and sit in the next booth and it was only Amelia Lily. Her came third in last years Xfactor if you doesn't know who she is.
So Amelia Lily comes and sits in the seat back to back with Katie and Katie all excited and wants her autograph but too shy to ask so Mummy asks and Amelia Lily very friendly and writes a note just for Katie:
And then my humans eavesdrops on their conversation/accidentally can hear them talking. Amelia Lily orders baked potato and tomatoes. Her says her loves tomatoes. Then her jokes that she getting a tattoo what says Mum and her Mum says she is not and they all laugh, then the boy what is with them tells this story about how he was a dancer in a JLS video and he had to pretend he was in a nightclub but he was wearing a wooly hat and he couldn't get into character.
Then Daddy showed us up. There was a lamp hanging down over the table and the shade wasn't sitting quite right so Daddy tries to put it right but the lampshade falls off in his hand and him is sitting at the table holding a broken lampshade and my humans is all laughing and Amelia Lily and her family is laughing at my Daddy.
Oh the shame.
Anyway Daddy did manage to get the lampshade back together before them got thrown out for breaking the Beefeater and them all lived happily ever after.
So Amelia Lily comes and sits in the seat back to back with Katie and Katie all excited and wants her autograph but too shy to ask so Mummy asks and Amelia Lily very friendly and writes a note just for Katie:
And then my humans eavesdrops on their conversation/accidentally can hear them talking. Amelia Lily orders baked potato and tomatoes. Her says her loves tomatoes. Then her jokes that she getting a tattoo what says Mum and her Mum says she is not and they all laugh, then the boy what is with them tells this story about how he was a dancer in a JLS video and he had to pretend he was in a nightclub but he was wearing a wooly hat and he couldn't get into character.
Then Daddy showed us up. There was a lamp hanging down over the table and the shade wasn't sitting quite right so Daddy tries to put it right but the lampshade falls off in his hand and him is sitting at the table holding a broken lampshade and my humans is all laughing and Amelia Lily and her family is laughing at my Daddy.
Oh the shame.
Anyway Daddy did manage to get the lampshade back together before them got thrown out for breaking the Beefeater and them all lived happily ever after.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Exercising our rights to bark at chikin. By Bessie
I'm not saying it's cold but Mummy is wearing a wooly hat and has a duvet wrapped round her whilst sitting at the kitchen table. I say if she put the oven on, say to bake some cakes for us, then the room would soon warm up. She says she is ready to carry on with her novel now...but she doesn't seem to be making much of an effort if you ask me.
This morning Lotty went to agility training. Mummy had kind of decided to give up cos she wasn't sure if Lotty was getting anywhere. She enjoys it, they both do, and I guess that's the most important thing but last week she was apallingly badly behaved at agility.
Anyway Mummy said to her "This is your last chance to show me you can do it good". Well, we did think Lotty doesn't listen to a word Mummy says but she did really good. She did the weave poles properly, she did the jumps and the tunnel properly and she did the see saw properly. She never done the see saw before but Miss Connie had been using it with the people before and Mummy asked if Lotty could have a go and Miss Connie thought Lotty would be scared but she is hard as nails and she did it like a pro, first time.
It's biggest minihumans birthday on Monday, he will be 20. That means him not a teenager anymore, him got to move out and get a job...hmmm. Mummy going to bake him a giant jaffa cake cos he loves jaffa cakes. Her has no idea how she going to make it, her thinking victoria sponge with orange jam and a choklit coating.
Last night we went for two walks in the dark. When the boy minihumans got back from school we all went out but it was already dark at quarter to four. Then after tea Mummy and Daddy went to vote - Tom didn't want to come, Mummy said him should exercise hims right to vote and him said him would rather exercise his right to sit on his bum - anyway we went with them and them took us into the school playground even though we does know dogs isn't allowed in the school playground. Cos we is big rebels like that. We don't know if lots of people went to vote but there wasn't anyone else there when we went and the lady at the desk looked very bored.
We had a frozen kong each yesterday for breakfast for a change, and chikin wings for tea. Mummy was putting the chikin wings into our bowls and we was getting a bit excited and shouting "Hurry up Mummy" like you do when there was a knock at the door so Mummy shouts for one of the minihumans to get the door and Bryn did go and then he come in the kitchen and tells Mummy there's a lady at the door so Mummy says her will have to wait so Bryn tells her Mummy is feeding us and instead of going away like any sane person her decides to wait. So Tom comes and takes over in the kitchen and Mummy goes to the door and the lady says she can see how busy Mummy is but then she gets this iPad out and starts trying to show Mummy a slide show about lovefilm.somethingorother and Mummy says her is sorry but her has three dogs fighting over a chikin and her going to have to go and deal with it and the lady turns and waves her arm in this weird gesture and strops off and Mummy thinking her should try and control her strops if her wants to work for a big company like that, her not setting a good example of their customer services.
This morning Lotty went to agility training. Mummy had kind of decided to give up cos she wasn't sure if Lotty was getting anywhere. She enjoys it, they both do, and I guess that's the most important thing but last week she was apallingly badly behaved at agility.
Anyway Mummy said to her "This is your last chance to show me you can do it good". Well, we did think Lotty doesn't listen to a word Mummy says but she did really good. She did the weave poles properly, she did the jumps and the tunnel properly and she did the see saw properly. She never done the see saw before but Miss Connie had been using it with the people before and Mummy asked if Lotty could have a go and Miss Connie thought Lotty would be scared but she is hard as nails and she did it like a pro, first time.
It's biggest minihumans birthday on Monday, he will be 20. That means him not a teenager anymore, him got to move out and get a job...hmmm. Mummy going to bake him a giant jaffa cake cos he loves jaffa cakes. Her has no idea how she going to make it, her thinking victoria sponge with orange jam and a choklit coating.
Last night we went for two walks in the dark. When the boy minihumans got back from school we all went out but it was already dark at quarter to four. Then after tea Mummy and Daddy went to vote - Tom didn't want to come, Mummy said him should exercise hims right to vote and him said him would rather exercise his right to sit on his bum - anyway we went with them and them took us into the school playground even though we does know dogs isn't allowed in the school playground. Cos we is big rebels like that. We don't know if lots of people went to vote but there wasn't anyone else there when we went and the lady at the desk looked very bored.
We had a frozen kong each yesterday for breakfast for a change, and chikin wings for tea. Mummy was putting the chikin wings into our bowls and we was getting a bit excited and shouting "Hurry up Mummy" like you do when there was a knock at the door so Mummy shouts for one of the minihumans to get the door and Bryn did go and then he come in the kitchen and tells Mummy there's a lady at the door so Mummy says her will have to wait so Bryn tells her Mummy is feeding us and instead of going away like any sane person her decides to wait. So Tom comes and takes over in the kitchen and Mummy goes to the door and the lady says she can see how busy Mummy is but then she gets this iPad out and starts trying to show Mummy a slide show about lovefilm.somethingorother and Mummy says her is sorry but her has three dogs fighting over a chikin and her going to have to go and deal with it and the lady turns and waves her arm in this weird gesture and strops off and Mummy thinking her should try and control her strops if her wants to work for a big company like that, her not setting a good example of their customer services.
Thursday, 15 November 2012
Got. To. Stop. Eating. By. Sam
So far today I have had:
6 potato cakes
half a tub of egg mayonnaise
2 bags of cheese and onion crisps (Ringos to be precise)
Tesco fishermans pie
500ml bottle mango iced tea
3 cups of tea
1 glass water
2 beta blockers
2 ibuprofen
1 berroka
...and it's only 1.33pm
6 potato cakes
half a tub of egg mayonnaise
2 bags of cheese and onion crisps (Ringos to be precise)
Tesco fishermans pie
500ml bottle mango iced tea
3 cups of tea
1 glass water
2 beta blockers
2 ibuprofen
1 berroka
...and it's only 1.33pm
Monday, 12 November 2012
What a massive waste of time that was. By Sam
So I wrote 28000 + pages then I was brushing my teeth, looked at myself in the mirror and my reflection sneers "Your book is shite. Nobody's going to be interested in that crap".
She was right of course, it is.
So back to the drawing board. I have three ideas, which one would you rather read? Be honest with me. If you was in Waterstones looking for a book, or more likely looking for the free books on e reader, which of these would you most likely pick up; if any:
1. Working title - Benny Strikes Again.
The story of a lonely girl who deals with a traumatic incident in childhood by inventing an imaginary friend called Benny. When she's a child he gets her into trouble by causing mischief but as she gets older his actions become more dangerous and daring and she slips deeper into her make believe world. Is there anybody man enough to step in and take Benny on?
2. Working title - Waiting For The Karma Bus.
A woman who spends her whole life as a victim finally gets fed up of waiting for the Karma Bus to deal with the people who hurt her and takes matter into her own hands. She crosses names off in her Revenge Book when she thinks they've learnt their lesson but the further down the list the bigger the punishments need to be until things get out of hand.
3. Working title - It Could Be You.
A couple spend all their time dreaming about winning the lottery, so much so that their family, friends and even complete strangers constantly say "When you win can you buy me...insert increasingly bizarre request". One day their dream comes true and they win a rollover but every single person they ever agreed to help comes out of the woodwork and they have to decide how far they are willing go to please everybody.
Sunday, 11 November 2012
Newsflash! By Bessie
We interrupt the schedule to bring you breaking news:
At 10:48am on Saturday 10th November 2012 Daddy did admit he was wrong.
Him issued a full and frank apology what went like this "I'll let you off this time, the car did come out of that turning"
Mummy said "I accept your humble and heartfelt apology in the spirit what it was given".
Then her rolled her eyes.
In other news Katie made choklit brownies... to be more specific she made dog hair and choklit brownies. Her is eating one right now, dripping crumbs on the laptop as her leans over to read this *puts bottom in the way for privacy* and her keeps pulling hairs out of her mouth. Other than that though she says they are delicious.
Also Lotty is asleep next to me. Her keeps touching my bum with her claws in her sleep and it's making me cross.
Katie just said to Mummy "you weed" then she pointed to the bed under Mummy so Mummy checked and Katie says "Why did you check you weirdo? Did you really think you'd weed" Now me and Mummy's cheeks is hurting from laughing so hard and Katie says "Why you keep laughing so much. It not even funny".
Mummy wrote 28,283 words before her suddenly turned to Daddy and said "This book's crap. Nobody will read this crap"
At 10:48am on Saturday 10th November 2012 Daddy did admit he was wrong.
Him issued a full and frank apology what went like this "I'll let you off this time, the car did come out of that turning"
Mummy said "I accept your humble and heartfelt apology in the spirit what it was given".
Then her rolled her eyes.
In other news Katie made choklit brownies... to be more specific she made dog hair and choklit brownies. Her is eating one right now, dripping crumbs on the laptop as her leans over to read this *puts bottom in the way for privacy* and her keeps pulling hairs out of her mouth. Other than that though she says they are delicious.
Also Lotty is asleep next to me. Her keeps touching my bum with her claws in her sleep and it's making me cross.
Katie just said to Mummy "you weed" then she pointed to the bed under Mummy so Mummy checked and Katie says "Why did you check you weirdo? Did you really think you'd weed" Now me and Mummy's cheeks is hurting from laughing so hard and Katie says "Why you keep laughing so much. It not even funny".
Mummy wrote 28,283 words before her suddenly turned to Daddy and said "This book's crap. Nobody will read this crap"
Thursday, 8 November 2012
I'm ready to write my novel! By Sam
Finally after about 25 years of thinking about it I've decided what my book is going to be about. I've had millions of ideas over the years, even started writing the story on many occasions and discarded it. But now I know what I want to write about.
I have someone to thank for giving me the idea, someone who played a very low trick on me this week that I should have seen coming but walked right into. But ho hum, we live and learn and anyway it's going to become part of my novel.
So excited. Can't wait to get started. You will buy it won't you?
I have someone to thank for giving me the idea, someone who played a very low trick on me this week that I should have seen coming but walked right into. But ho hum, we live and learn and anyway it's going to become part of my novel.
So excited. Can't wait to get started. You will buy it won't you?
Monday, 5 November 2012
Noisy bangies and wotnot. By Bessie
It's bonfire night and Carly is freaked out by the fireworks for the third night in a row. Hopefully that will be it after tonight til New Years Eve. She not as bad as some animals though, she just needs lots of cuddles. Lotty doesn't like them either but she is not much of a cuddler. She likes her own space so she just sits bolt upright every time she hears a bang or a whistle then she goes back to sleep. Carly is sitting on our typists lap right now.
Biggest minihuman has gone to the pictures with his friends and middle minihuman has gone to her friends house for tea. She wasn't supposed to but when Mummy went to pick her up from school she asked if she could go and could Daddy pick her up on his way back from work. But then when Daddy went to get her she asked if he could come back when he goes to get Tom. Daddy not impressed that she out wandering the streets on bonfire night but she say she with a big gang so she be OK. He say that what he's worried about!
We didn't do much today. We just normally like to have a lazy day on a Monday so Mummy tidied her wardrobe and put all the minihumans old school uniforms in a charity bag and did some cleaning and made some Thai food for the humans tea - well she did call it Asian fusion but that's just what people say when they haven't got a clue what they're making or if crispy seaweed goes with green thai curry (littlest minihuman say no, Mummy and Daddy say yes) - and we just napped and went for a walk down the castle then had our feeties washed cos Mummy doesn't like our paw art on the hall floor for some strange reason. Then when Mummy got back from picking littlest minihuman up from school she was very cross cos she said she had only been gone for one hour and there was a big poo on the kitchen floor. BUT I have two things to say in defence:
1. She wasn't only gone for one hour, she was gone for eleventyseven hours.
2. It was only a poo. Least nobody had done a wee under the cooker this time.
Lotty finally starting to put a bit of weight on. She getting a little tummy and Mummy keeps blowing raspberries on it cos she loves it.
I won a Minnie Mouse bandana in Cat Greyhounds auction. I can't wait to wear it.
We was going to go on a basset walk on Sunday but the weather forecast was really bad for Yoville (I thought that was a game on Facebook but apparently it's a real place in Somerset. Fancy that). It even said it might snow on the hills and we think the walk was up a hill - they usually are. So we stayed home instead and just went for a walk round our castle. It was even muddier than normal cos they was getting all the stuff ready for the firework display and loads of trucks had churned up the ground. When we got back we all had to have baths.
The humans didn't go to see the fireworks. Daddy said him has been for 12 years on the run and him fancied a break and anyway Carly needed snuggles. Then we watched X Factor results and we was all very cross and said we not watching it again (I've heard that before though) and then we watched the last in the series of Downton. It was very good. We did laugh about the fuss Carson and Alfred was making about Thomas being a gay. Hee hee. Anyway me say no more, me not want to spoil it for my Americaland friends. As you can see me did put a countdown widget on my blog so we can all wait for the Christmas special.
Biggest minihuman has gone to the pictures with his friends and middle minihuman has gone to her friends house for tea. She wasn't supposed to but when Mummy went to pick her up from school she asked if she could go and could Daddy pick her up on his way back from work. But then when Daddy went to get her she asked if he could come back when he goes to get Tom. Daddy not impressed that she out wandering the streets on bonfire night but she say she with a big gang so she be OK. He say that what he's worried about!
We didn't do much today. We just normally like to have a lazy day on a Monday so Mummy tidied her wardrobe and put all the minihumans old school uniforms in a charity bag and did some cleaning and made some Thai food for the humans tea - well she did call it Asian fusion but that's just what people say when they haven't got a clue what they're making or if crispy seaweed goes with green thai curry (littlest minihuman say no, Mummy and Daddy say yes) - and we just napped and went for a walk down the castle then had our feeties washed cos Mummy doesn't like our paw art on the hall floor for some strange reason. Then when Mummy got back from picking littlest minihuman up from school she was very cross cos she said she had only been gone for one hour and there was a big poo on the kitchen floor. BUT I have two things to say in defence:
1. She wasn't only gone for one hour, she was gone for eleventyseven hours.
2. It was only a poo. Least nobody had done a wee under the cooker this time.
Lotty finally starting to put a bit of weight on. She getting a little tummy and Mummy keeps blowing raspberries on it cos she loves it.
I won a Minnie Mouse bandana in Cat Greyhounds auction. I can't wait to wear it.
We was going to go on a basset walk on Sunday but the weather forecast was really bad for Yoville (I thought that was a game on Facebook but apparently it's a real place in Somerset. Fancy that). It even said it might snow on the hills and we think the walk was up a hill - they usually are. So we stayed home instead and just went for a walk round our castle. It was even muddier than normal cos they was getting all the stuff ready for the firework display and loads of trucks had churned up the ground. When we got back we all had to have baths.
The humans didn't go to see the fireworks. Daddy said him has been for 12 years on the run and him fancied a break and anyway Carly needed snuggles. Then we watched X Factor results and we was all very cross and said we not watching it again (I've heard that before though) and then we watched the last in the series of Downton. It was very good. We did laugh about the fuss Carson and Alfred was making about Thomas being a gay. Hee hee. Anyway me say no more, me not want to spoil it for my Americaland friends. As you can see me did put a countdown widget on my blog so we can all wait for the Christmas special.
Friday, 2 November 2012
Snow...in Newport. By Bessie
On Wednesday it was halloween so me and George went trick or treating round our friends houses. By the time we got to Aunty Kath's we were cold and tired so we went in and had horlicks with JJ. The minihumans went on their own and came back with lots of sweets that Katie couldn't eat so Mummy took them off her hands. She says she's good like that.
Today Lotty went to agility training but it started raining just after they got there but they carried on but then it started snowing, then hailing so Lotty, Mummy and Miss Connie sheltered in the shed and after a while Miss Connie said do you want to go out in the rain, wait a bit longer or call it a day? And Mummy was going erm lemme think when there was this huge clap of thunder and so they decided they wasn't going to get any agility done today. So they got in the car and they took Katie to her friends house and Katie's boyfriend and his friend was waiting outside so Katie wanted Mummy and Lotty to drive off fast and not under any circumstances to get out the car seeing as they were both soaking wet and Mummy was wearing bright pink wellies and no make up and therefore looked like an old hag. There was a bit of snow on the pavements in Newport so them must have had a longer snow than what they did up on the hill at agility.
Then Mummy took Lotty to work so she could weigh her and she was 14.9 kilos, which means she has lost weight again and then they went in the office and the mens was eating their breakfast cos them don't do any work on a Friday me not think and Matt did feel sorry for Lotty and give her scrambled egg and toast.
Then they went to Pets at home and Mummy asked one of the mens for advice about putting weight on Lotty and him said buy the high end normal kibble and she should start putting weight on so Mummy bought a new pink bowl what is bigger than the bowl she uses now so she can have bigger portions, a huge bag of kibble and three bags of frozen tripe for Carly.
Them then came home and Mummy hoovered because her had asked Tom to do it while she was out but as she was getting out of the car she heard the hoover go on and decided it was easier to do it herself.
Ooh me interrupt this boring story to tell you that the estate agent just phoned and we've got a viewing tomorrow. Me has to hurry up and finish this cos my typist needs to go and do some (massive) cleaning. This an exciting development, we hasn't had any viewings for ages and we stopped thinking about selling the house til the spring.
Today Lotty went to agility training but it started raining just after they got there but they carried on but then it started snowing, then hailing so Lotty, Mummy and Miss Connie sheltered in the shed and after a while Miss Connie said do you want to go out in the rain, wait a bit longer or call it a day? And Mummy was going erm lemme think when there was this huge clap of thunder and so they decided they wasn't going to get any agility done today. So they got in the car and they took Katie to her friends house and Katie's boyfriend and his friend was waiting outside so Katie wanted Mummy and Lotty to drive off fast and not under any circumstances to get out the car seeing as they were both soaking wet and Mummy was wearing bright pink wellies and no make up and therefore looked like an old hag. There was a bit of snow on the pavements in Newport so them must have had a longer snow than what they did up on the hill at agility.
Then Mummy took Lotty to work so she could weigh her and she was 14.9 kilos, which means she has lost weight again and then they went in the office and the mens was eating their breakfast cos them don't do any work on a Friday me not think and Matt did feel sorry for Lotty and give her scrambled egg and toast.
Then they went to Pets at home and Mummy asked one of the mens for advice about putting weight on Lotty and him said buy the high end normal kibble and she should start putting weight on so Mummy bought a new pink bowl what is bigger than the bowl she uses now so she can have bigger portions, a huge bag of kibble and three bags of frozen tripe for Carly.
Them then came home and Mummy hoovered because her had asked Tom to do it while she was out but as she was getting out of the car she heard the hoover go on and decided it was easier to do it herself.
Ooh me interrupt this boring story to tell you that the estate agent just phoned and we've got a viewing tomorrow. Me has to hurry up and finish this cos my typist needs to go and do some (massive) cleaning. This an exciting development, we hasn't had any viewings for ages and we stopped thinking about selling the house til the spring.
Saturday, 27 October 2012
Me and Inca. By Bessie
Ooh what a exciting weekend. Where to start? So on Friday Lotty didn't go to agility cos Miss Connie was busy so we stayed home and helped Mummy with the Friday clean. Every Friday Mummy does a big clean in the hope that someone comes to buy the house.
Then in the evening Inca, MummyLouise and DaddyKeith came to stay. Me so excited for my sister Inca to stay. The humans had their dinner and then we all sitted in the lounge and Inca did sit on the settee with Lotty then we did go to bed.
In the morning we did all get up early and we all went for a walk so we could show Inca our castle. We did all run around and have fun and Carly found some sheep poo and she tried to roll in it so Mummy had to chase her across the field and Carly kept stopping and looking at Mummy and she would shout NO ROLLY and then Carly would run off again. Then we came to a field of sheeps so we all had to go on our leads and the sheeps was sat right in the path so we did run down the path and the sheeps run off then them was following us like them thought them was hard or something. But them is not hard, them is sheeps.
Then we come home and the humans had bacon and egg rolls and then Mummy went with MummyLouise, DaddyKeith and Inca to Many Tears.
When them got there them went in and met their new doggy, Rufus and him and Inca did get on good and not bark or growl at each other and everyone was happy. And hims foster mummy, Jane, who we did meet when we all went camping with Many Tears last year, her said to Mummy "I got a surprise for you" and them went to the car and her had the little baby basset, East in her car. So Mummy did carry him round for the whole time them was there. Him was wearing a little jumper and wrapped in a blankie cos him only a ten week old baby. Mummy did love him very much and her would love to keep him forever and ever.
But then it time to go home so MummyLouise did go in the office and sign all the paperwork for Rufus and them all got in the car and Inca and Rufus did sit in the back with DaddyKeith and them was all very good and all 3 went to sleep and cuddled and it was very cute.
Then them came home and Inca and Rufus came in for a drink and them had a wee in the garden and we all sniffed each other and then it was time for them to go home. We did have a lovely weekend and it was so nice to meet my in laws. Me did wish Blue was there though.
Then in the evening Inca, MummyLouise and DaddyKeith came to stay. Me so excited for my sister Inca to stay. The humans had their dinner and then we all sitted in the lounge and Inca did sit on the settee with Lotty then we did go to bed.
In the morning we did all get up early and we all went for a walk so we could show Inca our castle. We did all run around and have fun and Carly found some sheep poo and she tried to roll in it so Mummy had to chase her across the field and Carly kept stopping and looking at Mummy and she would shout NO ROLLY and then Carly would run off again. Then we came to a field of sheeps so we all had to go on our leads and the sheeps was sat right in the path so we did run down the path and the sheeps run off then them was following us like them thought them was hard or something. But them is not hard, them is sheeps.
Then we come home and the humans had bacon and egg rolls and then Mummy went with MummyLouise, DaddyKeith and Inca to Many Tears.
When them got there them went in and met their new doggy, Rufus and him and Inca did get on good and not bark or growl at each other and everyone was happy. And hims foster mummy, Jane, who we did meet when we all went camping with Many Tears last year, her said to Mummy "I got a surprise for you" and them went to the car and her had the little baby basset, East in her car. So Mummy did carry him round for the whole time them was there. Him was wearing a little jumper and wrapped in a blankie cos him only a ten week old baby. Mummy did love him very much and her would love to keep him forever and ever.But then it time to go home so MummyLouise did go in the office and sign all the paperwork for Rufus and them all got in the car and Inca and Rufus did sit in the back with DaddyKeith and them was all very good and all 3 went to sleep and cuddled and it was very cute.
Then them came home and Inca and Rufus came in for a drink and them had a wee in the garden and we all sniffed each other and then it was time for them to go home. We did have a lovely weekend and it was so nice to meet my in laws. Me did wish Blue was there though.
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Bugger off with your lifestyle survey. By Sam
Where do these piggin people get our number from anyway? This one tonight, says her name's Mel. Doesn't sound like a Mel to me. So Katie answers and she says "Is this Mrs Samantha Morgan?"
So Katie says "No, I'll go and get her" and 'Mel' says "Hello my name is Mel. I'm calling to do a short lifestyle survey".
And Katie's shouting "No, wait" but she's just wobbling on so Katie passes the phone to me and she's still going "And is this -inserts my name, address and postcode (creepy)".
"What the hell?" I ask Katie, "is this one of them answer machines? I'm still not Alison Vettus".
"Who is this? How did you get our number?" I bark.
"Hello my name is Mel. I'm calling to do a short lifestyle survey, it will only take 5 minutes".
"I haven't got 5 minutes" I say.
"It will only take 2 minutes" she says.
"I still haven't got time" - I'm in the middle of a very important game of solitaire. (I don't tell her that, I don't think she'd listen anyway).
"It will only take one minute".
"Sorry, I'm feeding the dogs" I say, waving the tub of treats so they'll bark (they don't for the first time ever in the history of my dogs world), "Bye" and as I put the phone down I hear her say "It will only take 30 seconds".
Sorry love, I know you're only doing your job but surely there must be a better way to earn a living? Like a funeral parlour make up artist maybe? Or emptying the sanitary disposal bins in public toilets?
And more to the point, where did they get my name, address and phone number from?
And isn't lifestyle a euphonism for swinging? I don't do swinging. Nobody would have me.
So Katie says "No, I'll go and get her" and 'Mel' says "Hello my name is Mel. I'm calling to do a short lifestyle survey".
And Katie's shouting "No, wait" but she's just wobbling on so Katie passes the phone to me and she's still going "And is this -inserts my name, address and postcode (creepy)".
"What the hell?" I ask Katie, "is this one of them answer machines? I'm still not Alison Vettus".
"Who is this? How did you get our number?" I bark.
"Hello my name is Mel. I'm calling to do a short lifestyle survey, it will only take 5 minutes".
"I haven't got 5 minutes" I say. "It will only take 2 minutes" she says.
"I still haven't got time" - I'm in the middle of a very important game of solitaire. (I don't tell her that, I don't think she'd listen anyway).
"It will only take one minute".
"Sorry, I'm feeding the dogs" I say, waving the tub of treats so they'll bark (they don't for the first time ever in the history of my dogs world), "Bye" and as I put the phone down I hear her say "It will only take 30 seconds".
Sorry love, I know you're only doing your job but surely there must be a better way to earn a living? Like a funeral parlour make up artist maybe? Or emptying the sanitary disposal bins in public toilets?
And more to the point, where did they get my name, address and phone number from?
And isn't lifestyle a euphonism for swinging? I don't do swinging. Nobody would have me.
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
My name's Carly and I'm a skiwwel addict. By Bessie
My sister is properly addicted to squirrels. Every time she sees one she shouts SKIWWEL and she runs after it. She never caught one so we not know what she would do if she catched one. She say she got a whole book full of recipes but I does think she would run off crying if one stopped and looked at her.
Last night Mummy bought us a fish each from Tesco for our tea. Them was delicious but Mummy said never again, her didn't like the smell.
This morning Mummy got us up early and we went for a walk in the dark. Then we had breakfast and Mummy went to work. When her got home Mummy, Tom and Bryn took us for another walk. We went down the castle and there was dozens of squirrels and Carly got very excited and did wind me and Lotty up too. So none of us was allowed off the lead. Me and Lotty was very cross with Carly.
Then we come home and had tea and watched some telly.
Last night Mummy bought us a fish each from Tesco for our tea. Them was delicious but Mummy said never again, her didn't like the smell.
This morning Mummy got us up early and we went for a walk in the dark. Then we had breakfast and Mummy went to work. When her got home Mummy, Tom and Bryn took us for another walk. We went down the castle and there was dozens of squirrels and Carly got very excited and did wind me and Lotty up too. So none of us was allowed off the lead. Me and Lotty was very cross with Carly.
Then we come home and had tea and watched some telly.
Sunday, 21 October 2012
A dead squirrel coated in creosote and pooed on? By Bessie
So on Friday it was Mummy's day off from work so we had breakfast then Mummy took Lotty to agility training. Her is good at the jumping and the tunnel and the beam and the a frame but rubbish at the weave poles. Miss Connie say her thought if there was anything Lotty would not be good at it would be the weave poles cos her is so long. So there not a lot we can do about that, her just has to learn how to do it. Then they come home and we all went for a walk round our castle. When we got to the car park Mummy put me and Lotty on leads but her say she trust Carly not to run off cos Carly a good girl. Only Carly seen a squirrel and run off and stood in the middle of the football pitch. Carly loves squirrels. So we all had to go onto the football pitch and get her. Lucky there was nobody playing on it. Then we come home and had a sleep and Mummy went to get the minihumans from school and Katie had her friend over and we did all have a cuddle with Katie's friend.
On Saturday we did go to Tredegar Park for a run about. We had a lovely roll about but then I may have found something to roll in. Mummy says it smelled like someone had done a poo of dead squirrel and creosote. So then we went to pick Katie up from her friends and we come home and we all had baffs.
Today we went to Pets at Home. Mummy was going to buy us all a new collar but then her decided it was too expensive so her would just get one a month and Katie said Lotty should go first cos her has never had a collar what wasn't a handmedown and me say that's the way it is when you is the youngest. But anyway Mummy did buy her a purple spotty collar
Take one skwirrel. Take one meat an tata pie. Eat de miggle out de meat an tata pie. Put de skwirrel in de pie. Serve wiff mash tatas an gwavy.
On Saturday we did go to Tredegar Park for a run about. We had a lovely roll about but then I may have found something to roll in. Mummy says it smelled like someone had done a poo of dead squirrel and creosote. So then we went to pick Katie up from her friends and we come home and we all had baffs.
Today we went to Pets at Home. Mummy was going to buy us all a new collar but then her decided it was too expensive so her would just get one a month and Katie said Lotty should go first cos her has never had a collar what wasn't a handmedown and me say that's the way it is when you is the youngest. But anyway Mummy did buy her a purple spotty collar
Then she got some frozen tripe for Carly's tea and then we went to Caerwent and we went for a run round the castle and we was all careful not to roll in anything cos we not want another baff. Carly seen a squirrel and she run around shouting SKWIRREL SKWIRREL! Her is obsessed. Her says her going to write a cookbook of skwirrel recipes. Here is a recipe she give me:
Skwirrel Pie:
Take one skwirrel. Take one meat an tata pie. Eat de miggle out de meat an tata pie. Put de skwirrel in de pie. Serve wiff mash tatas an gwavy.
Then we come home and had a sleep
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