When we get to Uncle Jed's hotel for discerning gentledogs and princesses, we go in and the nice girl takes us to our hotel room while Mummy and Daddy fill some forms in. Then we relax in our hotel room until the servants bring our tea and let us go for a run in the paddock.
At Nanny and Grandads them had a posh dinner and exchanged christmas presents.
In the morning our humans came to get us and we were very pleased to see them and when Daddy opened the boot we all jumped in by ourselves. Then we drove to George's house. This took 50 minutes exactly. When we got there we got out at the top of the road and us doggies and Mummy walked down to George's house and Daddy and the minihumans went in the car and George and Aunty Jayne came out to meet us. George was wearing a smart red coat, he looked very nice and very handsome. We was very pleased to meet him after all this time, and Aunty Jayne too of course. So Aunty Jayne invited us in and we went in and met Winston and Uncle Hudad. Winston was very cute and him and Lotty did running up and down the stairs and all around and Lotty knocked a ornament over with her waggy tail but it OK it not broked. Then her got a bit excited and did a few wees. That was norty. Then we went in the kitchen and borrowed a quiche. It was nice. Mummy was very cross though, she said we had no right to borrow a quiche and she was ashamed of us.
Then George and Winston showed us their garden, it was raining so we didn't stay outside long. It much colder up in the North than it is at home me notice.
Then the humans had some lunch, Aunty Jayne did put on a good spread. Oh and we all give each other presents. And we liked the fishies, them was cute. And then me and George sat next to each other on the settee for some photos then we had a nap while the humans told each other how much they loved us (probably, I don't know, I was asleep). While I was asleep Carly decided she liked the rug and it was hers so anytime anybody put a toe on the rug she growled at them. She's like that you know. And too soon it was time to go home. We had to be back at the hotel by 3.50 cos it New Years Eve and they wanted to lock up early. Daddy paranoid that there be traffic on the motorway so him not want to leave it too late. Mummy say don't be stupid, there won't be any traffic today. Anyway we gets on the motorway and the traffic at a standstill. Daddy be all haha I told you so. But anyway it soon get moving and we get back to the hotel in plenty of time and we go back to our room and lounge about before dinner.So the humans went back to Nanny and Grandads and got changed into their party clothes and drove to Aunty Mic's house for the New Years Party. Mummy norty and disgraces herself by drinking too much tizer and vodka, making accidentally racist comments in front of Uncle Rob's mother and wiping the floor with everyone at trivial pursuit. Me will elaborate:
So Mummy wants vodka but she also wants tizer so she has them both, in the same glass. Then they has 4 music on the telly in the background and they is showing music videos (obviously) and Mummy says she likes Will.i.am and Usher. And she say she not normally attracted to black men but she likes them two. And everyone says that's a bit racist, and her says no it's not, it's like saying I don't normally fancy ginger men but I likes Rick Astley. And then her says she likes Will Young too. And Aunty Mic laugh and say him the whitest black man she ever seen. And Mummy say she means Will Smith. Anyway then Grandma walks in and Mummy says "Grandma does you like black men?" And Grandma say "WHAT? I'm not your Grandma" and Mummy say "Sorry Mummy, this tizer too bubbly, it gone to my head". Then Mummy realise Uncle Rob's Mum stood behind Grandma and she thinks Mummy a stupid and norty person. 
Then they has their tea. Aunty Mic made some good noms and them all eats lots of lovely foodies. After tea them played trivial pursuit with a box from the 1980s. Everybody had to pull wedges out of a box to pick their team. Mummy and Tom was partners and them won good. I think everyone surprised that Mummy was good at trivial pursuit. But because the bubbles from the tizer had gone to Mummys head she kept forgetting and telling everybody else the answers too. Tom say they would have won in half the time if her didn't keep giving other people the answers, like when her went to the toilet and had an urge to randomly shout Charlie Chaplin down the stairs just as Grandad was asking a question that the answer was Charlie Chaplin. When her got downstairs Tom did shake his head crossly and her go "What I do?" Anyway Daddy say one day Channel 4 will make a documentary about Mummy and her ability to remember useless crap.
Them all sleep at Aunty Mic's that night and the next day Aunty Mic make bacon and egg muffins like McDonalds. Her call them MicMuffins. Then my humans say goodbye and them go back to Nanny and Grandads. Them couldn't come and see us cos the hotel was closed to visitors all day but when them drove past Uncle Jed's car was outside so them know there people there looking after us.
Nanny and Grandad have 4 didgibox recorders. We wonder why til we see how much stuff they record. Practically every programme on telly. Mummy have a wacky thought and suggest they watch something on live telly but everybody look at her like she suggested they go skinny dipping in the river severn. Them watched the Wizard of Oz and Up and Tangled. Them was all good films apparently.
Nanny and Grandad did some Nanny and Grandadisms for us laughing pleasure. Small selection for you:
Grandad: "That's a very good film I haven't seen"
Nanny: "Barrie, put the bread in the fridge"
Nanny: "Was James May in the Who?"
Daddy: "No that was Brian May"
Tom: "Brian May was in Queen"
Nanny" "Are they brothers? They've both got mad hair"
The next day our humans came to pick us up from the hotel so we say goodbye to all the nice servants and get in the car and go home. We is half way home when mummy say "OH S**T. I forgot all the dogs stuff".
Her managed to leave behind three anti gulp bowls, a water bowl, two nylabones, Carly's favourite stuffless fox and a big bag of food. She even asked the boy if he remembered the extra discount cos we brought our own food. Her said her would phone them the next day and ask them to put everything to one side for Nanny to pick up and Daddy can get it when him go up to see them in February. In the meantime we need to stop at a shop and get something for our tea cos we got no foodies. Luckily we got lots of toys and spare food bowls.
So we stop at Asda, me not say where it was in case anyone reading this is from that town cos me is about to insult that town. So as we driving in we see a man driving down an embankment and over some bollards to get away from the petrol station without paying. Then we see a boy about Bryn's age having a cigarette while he watches his mum put the shopping in the car. Then we see two little girls about six years old wearing thigh high stiletto heeled boots, them looked like baby prostitutes. Mummy and Daddy look at each other and say "Welcome to ******!"
So Mummy and Katie went in and bought sandwiches for everyone and food for our tea. Daddy say for the last night of our christmas holidays him will take the humans out for dinner to the Beefeater so Mummy not bother buying anything for tea.
When we get home Mummy try and book a table at the beefeater but they is booked up, and the next night so them book a table for friday instead and have fish fingers for their tea. Then we doggies have to have a bath cos the humans say them not like the smell from the hotel, it smell of jeyes fluid and smelly dog. So me not speak to Mummy, me go and lie next to Daddy instead.
The next day,Thursday, Mummy goes to work early and Daddy goes to the dentist and takes Katie to her boyfriends house then he goes to work. Tom and Bryn do look after us. When Mummy at work the estate agent phones and says someone wants to come and view the house on Sunday. We very excited, we got a viewing already. We not expect any activity for months. The house needs a good clean cos it a right mess.
When Mummy get home from work, me still not speaking to her but Lotty and Carly have both taken to following Mummy round. They both want to be closest to her so they walk together, right behind her at all times. Mummy calls them her demon bridesmaids and trips over them a hundred times a day.
On Friday Mummy not in work so we stay home and do cleaning ready for the people coming to view the house. In the evening the humans go to the beefeater for tea without us.
Then they had hotdogs, chips and coke in the cafe. Then they went to Marks and Spencer to spend the gift vouchers Mummy and Daddy have had for years. They bought a new duvet cover and pillowcases. The colour says it is light heather. It the colour of the lavender bush what Horace likes to sleep under.
Then them come home and Mummy say her will take us for a walk and Tom say him only just got back so we watch telly instead then we have tea. Carly gets a baked potato with every meal. Not fair. I want one.
Today we made the house all nice in the hope that the people would come and view it but they never came. Never mind. *sighs*
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.