Boring week but at least nobody has measles. By Bessie

We've not done much this week.   The weather finally warmed up so we have been having some nice walks. Our minihumans have all been ill this week.   We thought Katie was coming down with measles again, even though you not supposed to be able to catch it twice and she has had the two MMRs.   But luckily it looks like it was just a bug cos even though she's had all the symptoms except the mouth spots and the rash since Wednesday, the rash would have come out by now.   Phew.

Yesterday Mummy and Katie and us went out in the car.  First we went to Mummy's work to use the scales.   Lotty did disgrace herself by doing a wee in front of Mr Steve's desk.  Luckily Mr Steve is nice and him gived her a snuggle while Mummy cleaned it up.   I is 23.2 kilos,   Lotty is 20.3 kilos and Carly is 15.7 kilos.   That means she put on a whole kilo.  We is very happy about that.

Then we went to Tredegar Park, we used our new ramp so we didn't have to jump in and out of the car.   The humans had a bag of chips for their lunch and then we went for a run round the lake.   Lotty paddled but me and Carly didn't want to.

Then we went to get Bryn and Tom and we come home and had tea.

Today we had no viewings so in the morning the humans took some more photos of the house to send to the estate agent and then  they went out to the shops.   Tom wanted to buy a xbox game but he was cross when he got home cos even though it was a brand new game what only came out yesterday it wasn't working so him going to take it into town tomorrow and get him money back.   Then we went for a walk down our castle.   We seen lots of other dogs.  Some of them was nice like the baby labrador we seen by the park and the springer spaniel who's house we had to walk past but some was growly like the golden retriever who wouldn't share the footpath and them horrid red setters that always shout at us.

Then we come home and had a sleep.

Busy Saturday. By Bessie

Yesterday we had some people come to see the house.   So me and Carly and Lotty went out with Tom and Bryn.  We went down the village and got Mummy's prescription for her.   Lucky it didn't rain but it started raining just after we got back and it rained all day and all night and is still raining now.

Then Mummy and Daddy went shopping and we stayed home with our human brothers.   Our human sister is staying at her friends house.   Her did tell us her seen kittens being born.   We would like to see kittens being born too.

Mummy and Daddy bought a new microwave while them was out cos the old one blew up a couple of weeks ago and Mummy did say her wasn't going to get one til after we moved house but then when her was trying to defrost a pound of minced tripe for our breakfast yesterday and failing miserably, her decided her would buy a cheap one so if it don't look right in the new house her can get a new one.   Oh her mixed the tripe with gravy in the end to defrost it if you was wondering.   I wouldn't recommend you do this with human food.  Mind you I wouldn't recommend humans eat black tripe anyway, it smells like manure.   That don't bother me, I is a dog, I love manure.   But humans not so much.

So Mummy and Daddy went to Asda and they bought a microwave and a flat screen telly cos them has decided it is time them started to get rid of all the big fat tellys what embarrass Katie so much.   Grandma and Grandad is giving us their old one, it be a big one I think.   So them got one for Bryn's room.   And them bought a picture for over the fireplace cos Daddy had taken some new pictures in the morning to send to the estate agents and him said the photos over the fireplace do look too small.   So him bought  a nice picture.   It long and thin and a picture of a woods.   Mummy likes pictures like that.   Her keeps asking Daddy to paint her a picture and if him can't paint her one then will him go to Moscow and steal a Shishkin.

Them bought some cushions for the lounge and some pretty throws for the minihumans beds and a bottle of coke for the boy humans cos the boy humans asked them too.   I think that everything.   Them did spend a lot of money but Mummy been watching Phil Spencer Secret Agent and him says you has to speculate to accumulate, or something.

Then them come home and putted all the new things in the house and them did look nice but we wasn't allowed to play with the cushions or lie on the throws even though them looked very comfy.  So me and Lotty went upstairs and brought the sheepskin rug down and played with that instead.   But then Daddy got really cross and took it off us.

For tea we had tripe and chikin and gravy and kibble and charcoal biscuits.  Lotty doesn't like the charcoal biscuits, her spitted them out.   Me and Carly liked them though.   And we had our worming tablets.   Not cos we has worms you understand, just cos it was time.   Anyway Carly has one and a half, Lotty has two and I have two and a half.   But then me left one in my bowl and Mummy tried to pick it up but Lotty got there first.   So her had three and me only had one and a half but me think it will be OK.  It not like her ate a whole packet or anything.

Then I went to George's stag party.   I know it only supposed to be for boys but as me is the best man at him and Lola's wedding then me is allowed to come.   I wore my disco pants and a boobtube.

Sir Bentley Art grows from charitible hobby into i.e.* startup finalist - Work It, Richmond: News

Sir Bentley Art grows from charitible hobby into i.e.* startup finalist - Work It, Richmond: News

My Bentley!

And then there were five. By Bessie

On Friday Bonnie and Bertie came to stay for the weekend.   Their daddy dropped them off at lunchtime.   In the afternoon we went for a walk down the castle.  

On Saturday Daddy came out for a walk with us, we met Bertie the cav from next door, down the castle so we had a good run about with him.

On Sunday we got up very early and we all got in the car.   Bonnie jumped right in but Bertie didn't want to be the only boy sat with four girls so he whinged and growled and he had to get pushed in.

Bertie whined all the way to Somerset, but we were all good and nobody pooed, weed or sicked in the car. We got out and had a drink and a dentastik and then Miss Tara came with Monty and Issy and she had snossijs so we had some of them.   Then all the other people came and Miss Jackie and Miss Lauren were there with Reggie, Foxy and Florence.   There were 26 of us dogs in the end.   So we set off on our walk.  We went up a hill and then we came to a big flat bit so Daddy said this was a good place to try Bonnie and Bertie off the lead.  Bonnie was good as gold and just ran about with the rest of us.  Every so often she would stop and look around for Mummy and Mummy would shout her and she would come trotting back for a cuddle.   Bertie ran off over the edge of the hill straight away and Daddy had to chase him and put him back on the lead.

For lunch we stopped at a pub that lets dogs inside.   But we stayed in the garden cos there was quite a lot of us and we didn't want to push our luck.    Then Miss Kim and Mr Boots came to pick up Bertie and Bonnie.  We only had a few minutes with them though cos the rest of the walkers were keen to go.   We would have liked to stay and play with Mr Boots but we wouldn't have been able to find our way back.   So Bertie and Bonnie got in the car with Miss Kim and Mr Boots and we said goodbye and off they went to start their wonderful new life.

*sighs*  I hate to admit it but I do miss them, they were really fun.

After lunch we walked through some fields and we had a run about and Daddy said it was much easier with just three of us and he thought maybe Mummy planned this whole weekend so he would never complain that three was hard work again.   Mummy just do a evil laugh.

And then we were back at the car park.   And Miss Jackie brought this ramp over for us to get in the car and we did all use it and Mummy bought it off her.   Then we went home, had our tea and went straight to bed.   We was very tired.

There's nowt as queer as folk. By Sam

Strange sights and sounds I heard today in town:

Woman gets on the bus, waves and shouts "Good Morning" to everybody sat on the bus.

Woman sat in KFC eating a meal deal she bought from Boots.   She's alone.   She's not sat with someone who bought their food in KFC.

Very very loud Chinese family having what sounds like an argument while their baby screams in its pram and every single other person in the restaurant glares at them.

Two girls in Primark:  "I'm not liking this buying things for myself.   Not one bit".

Two different girls in Primark:  "I'm not being funny, but £7 for a pair of jeans is a good price".

Two decorators openly leering at a teenage girl in a short skirt.   One even made a Carry On style phwoar noise.

Effeminate boy looking at girls underwear with his female friend:  "She's a right bitch she is", then flounces off.

Since when was all this tat vintage? By Sam

Apparently the 90s is now retro or vintage or something or other.    Katie says she wants to dress in a 90s style.   Tom said that she should wear red cords and hand knitted jumpers with a bowl haircut because that's what he was wearing in the 90s.    I suggested she wear my knackered old doc martens with a woolly hat and dungarees cos that's what I was wearing in the 90s.    But apparently we weren't very fashionable back then (or now for that matter).  

Anyway I still don't know what 90s vintage is.   She did try and explain it to me but it just sounded like my wardrobe Katie was describing.   So every time she told me about something I said "Ah you mean like this?"  But no, they were not quite right.

In which Daddy's car broke, Aunty Mic and Uncle Rob came to stay and Carly disgraced herself...again. By Bessie

So them people never did make an offer on the house.    The estate agent told us on Tuesday they still haven't decided.   It not the end of the world anyway, there is plenty more peoples looking for a nice house.  

On Thursday Daddy's car broke.   Him don't know what's wrong with it.   Him came out of work, drove round the corner to Asda and when him come out of Asda not 10 minutes later his car wouldn't start.   So him phoned the AA and when them eventually turned up the AA man couldn't start it either so them brought it home on the back of a truck and parked it in the road.   And it's been there ever since.   

On Saturday some more people came to view the house.   Them didn't know the area and had already been to lots of other houses and had one more left after ours.     The estate agent phoned today, Monday, to say her not been able to get hold of them yet to find out what them thinked of the house.

Today Aunty Mic, Uncle Rob and our cousins Sasha and Ben came for the day.   The adult humans and us houndies went for a nice walk but the minihumans stayed home and did minihuman stuff.   We likes our Aunty Mic and Uncle Rob.   Uncle Rob is lergic to us so we not allowed to lick him but him said we could sit next to him.   Mummy was sat on the armchair with Carly on her lap and her got up to open the door for me and her must have squeezed Carly in the wrong place cos Carly emptied her anal glands all over Mummys jeans.   STINKY!

Now them has gone home and we is just having a relax.

In which my humans view some houses and Mummy loses her rag. By Bessie

On Friday we had some people come to view the house.   Them stayed for half an hour and they asked millions of questions and wanted to look at everything.   The estate agent phoned on Saturday to tell us they liked the house and them is deciding between ours and another one and will let us know on Monday.   Typical the other one is in the same street in that awful village that the people who made the low offer want to live in.   It do make us laugh a lot to know that our road must be our villages equivalent to that road.   And the people who live there think they is so special haha.

Anyway while Mummy was showing the people round the house Tom and Bryn took us for a walk round the village.   It was raining and we got very wet and very cold.   When we came home Mummy got a massive sleeping bag out of the drying machine.   It was all soft and warm so we had a sleep.

Yesterday afternoon Mummy, Daddy, Katie, Cerys and Bryn went to view three houses.   The first house they went to the estate agent had told them the house was empty and him would meet them there.  So them pulls into the drive and there's a car but it not look like an estate agents car.   It very old and very dirty.   So Daddy say him think something wrong.  So Mummy goes to the house, her looks in the car as her walks past and it got a dog cage in the back and is just full of rubbish; old pop bottles and dirty socks and weird stuff.   And there's wellies and childrens toys scattered all over the front step.   Her think this is very strange for an empty house.   So her knocks on the door and this man, who is definitely not an estate agent, answers and looks at her strangely.
Mummy:   "We've come to view the house"
Man:        "No"
Mummy:   "Yes, we're meeting Matthew from Davis here at 3.15"
Man:        "No"
Mummy:  *sighs* "Is this house no longer for sale?"
Man:        "I don't know, I'm renting it"
Mummy"  "Oh.   OK.    There must be some mistake.   Sorry to bother you.   If Matthew from Davis turns up, tell him we've been and gone."

So they get in the car and drive round the corner and Mummy phones the estate agents:
Mummy:   "We were supposed to meet Matthew at a house at 3.15 but when we got there he was nowhere to be seen and the person in the house knew nothing about it."
Lady:       "No, he's waiting for you at the bungalow."
Mummy:  "No he's not cos I can see the house from here and he's not there."
Lady:       "2 bedroomed bungalow in *insert name of village here*?"
Mummy:   *sighs*   "No, 6 bedroomed."
Lady:       "We don't have a 6 bedroomed bungalow."
Mummy:  "Well you must have cos when I went on rightmove and clicked phone agent this is the number it rang".
Lady:       "Lemme have a look".....5 minutes later....."That's on with our Caldicot office, you've rung the Newport office."
Mummy:  "I rang the number on rightmove."
Lady:       "No it says ring *******, that's the number for Caldicot."
Mummy:  "That's the number I rang."
Lady:       "let me try"..... 2 minutes later...."Oh yes, it comes through to us.   How strange.  Anyway, that's not our house.   Do you want to view the 2 bedroomed?"
Mummy:  "Not really, I've got 3 children in the car."
Lady:       *to someone in her office* "Can you tell Matthew the lady has cancelled the viewing at 3.15."
Mummy:  *crossly*  "I haven't cancelled.   I'm outside the house I wanted to view.   It's not my fault rightmove have got the wrong number listed."
Lady:      "Do you want to me to put you through to the Caldicot office so you can make an appointment to view the house?"
Mummy:  "No, it doesn't matter.   It looked pretty shabby anyway."

So them has 40 minutes to kill.   It not worth going home.   It not enough time to go to Costa Coffee (No Katie it really isn't).    It not enough time to go to Subway (No Bryn it really isn't).   So them go to the house but Mummy say Daddy shouldn't sit outside and wait cos if they is anything like Mummy that would freak her out.  So them go and sit in the pub car park for a bit.   But then Katie starts being all silly like she does when we're waiting for Tom on a Thursday afternoon.   She says she needs a wee, she's hungry, she's thirsty, she's bored.   In the end Daddy gives her a pound and tells her to go in the pub and buy some crisps and then use the toilet.   So all the minihumans get out the car.   Then Daddy says to Mummy that them probably won't be allowed in on their own and Mummy should go with them.   But Mummy too cold to get out the car so her say her can't go in a pub on her own cos people will think she is a prostitute.  So Daddy does a big sigh and goes in the pub.
Daddy:     "Do you have any crisps?"
Lady:       "We don't sell any bar snacks sorry."
Daddy:    "Oh...erm... what kind of things do you do here?"
Lady:       "On Monday we do karaoke and on Tuesday we have a quiz and on Wednesday..."
Daddy:    "To be honest they just need the toilet."
Lady:      "Go on then."

Then they got back in the car and Daddy asks for his pound back.
Katie:     "I dropped it down the toilet."
Daddy:   "No you never, can I have my pound back please?"
Katie:     "I dropped it down the urinal"
Daddy:   "They don't have urinals in the ladies.  Can I have my pound back please?"
Katie:     "I know that now.   That's where I went wrong."
Daddy:   "Can I have my pound back please?"
Katie:     "I dropped it in the sanitary bin."
Daddy:   "No you never."
Katie:     "It got stuck in the tampon machine."
Daddy:   "Don't say tampon in front of Bryn."
Katie:     "It got lost in my pocket lining."
Daddy:   "Can I just have my pound back?"
Katie:     "No.   I lost it."
Mummy:  "GIVE HIM THE BEEPIN BEEPIN BEEPIN BEEPIN POUND BACK BEEPIN NOW YOU BEEPIN BEEPIN LITTLE BEEPER"
Katie:     "God calm down.   You only had to ask."

At which point Katie gave Daddy his pound coin back and it was time to go and see the house.   So the estate agent is waiting outside.   A different estate agent from a different company.   he is in a suitable estate agents kind of car and has got the right house.   My humans do think things is looking up already.   The house looks very nice, much bigger than it looks in the photo.   The estate agent knocks on the door and they all waits...and waits... and waits.   So he knocks again, louder.   And they wait...and wait....and Mummy and Daddy tell them what happened at the last house and he tells them how he had appointments booked all morning from 9am to 12pm and not one of the people viewing the houses turned up.   We do think that is terrible and very rude that people would make appointments and just not turn up.

Anyway eventually him knocks REALLY REALLY hard and this old lady answers the doors and says "Is the bell not working?"   And he lies and says "Yes, I rang it three times".

The house is lovely.   It very neat and tidy and smells clean, this makes a nice change.   And there is millions of cupboards.   My humans have a good look around and then it is time to go to the 3rd house.   them is meeting the same estate agent so him speeds off first in his speedy boy car.    On the way them do say they like the house but they think it a little bit far out of town and they is concerned that it be expensive to heat cos they has an oil boiler and no gas mains out there.   But them say them would still consider the house if the dream cottage got sold.

And so on to the dream cottage.   Even though them has already viewed it before them decided them wanted to come back cos it had been so long, 11 months to be precise that them had forgotten lots of things about the house and them wanted to be absolutely sure this was the house of their dreams.

The cottage did not disappoint.  It was even more perfect than they remembered.   Every room seemed bigger.  Even the kitchen which Mummy had said originally she definitely would have to have replaced immediately, even that looked nice and Mummy say other than the worktops which she would change, her did like it.   And them all said them could totally imagine themselves living there.   Them stayed for ages, the lady who lives there, Marion was so lovely again and offered them all drinks and my humans could quite happily have snuggled down on the settee and had a cup of tea but the estate agent was hovering by the door hopping from foot to foot so them said they better go and them all left.

Mummy and Daddy say this is the house.   Even if they get a low offer on our house they will just make a low offer on this one before they say no.   And them might even consider making the budget slightly bigger if they have to just so they don't lose it.

So we has our pawsies crossed.   That's all we can do.

Little clever clogs. By Bessie.

Me just wanted to say quickly before me goes to bed; me is very proud of my minihumans.    Them teachers all said such nice things at parents evening and them is so clever and talented.

Who said it had to be healthy? By Sam

Steph very kindly gave me a voucher code for a free Graze box so I went on the website, crossed out all the stuff I definitely don't like or can't eat and asked for a surprise.  When it came I was a bit disappointed in the size.  It was a lot smaller than I expected.   In the four compartments I had:
BBQ pistachios.  They were really nice.
Mini garlic breads and breadsticks.   They were nice too.
A flapjack.   That was tasty but could have been three times the size.
Eton Mess.   I didn't like that.  I took a couple of bites then gave the rest to Johnny to sprinkle over his weetabix.

So I decided I could make my own graze boxes for a lot cheaper.   I'm thinking haribo gold bears, cocktail sausages, a pot of humous, carrot sticks and a milky bar.

YUM.

Our walk with the pack at Alfreds Tower

On Sunday we went on a long walk to Alfreds Tower.  Tom and Katie didn't want to come but Bryn came with us cos him isn't completely ashamed of his parents yet.  There was 16 houndies and Tinks.

We had only walked about a hundred yards before Lotty jumped in a ditch that was full of wet clay.  It was like quick sand and her started sinking and the more she struggled the more she sank and Mummy was trying to pull her out and thinking she was going to have to go in and save her when Lotty managed to get a hold of the bank and climbed out.  Then she spent the rest of the day with her bottom half orange and everyone laughing and saying she looked like an Essex girl.   Bryn say her is now a fake tan and white basset.

Then we seen some deer in the woods and two of the other girls ran off into the woods after them but we didn't. So we all had to wait for ages for them to be found.   One of them come back on her own but the humans had to find the other one.

We walked through a field of sheeps and baby sheeps.  We was all on leads and we was keeping away from the sheeps but then this one sheep come over with her baby and wanted to meet and greet so we did stop and say hello and the sheep mummy did kiss Lotty on the nose.  It was the cutest thing ever.

We stopped for lunch at this nice National trust place that was a courtyard with a pub, icecream shop and cafe.  The humans all had a hot choklit.  We had water and gravy bones and some crisps.   Lots of humans stopped to take our photos cos we is all so bootiful.

After lunch me was quite tired cos me is getting on a bit and after a while I did decide to sit down.  Unfortunately the adult humans was up ahead and me had stayed at the back of the pack with the minihumans; Bryn, Alfie and Molly.   The adult humans was too far ahead so Bryn did carry me and Molly and Alfie run ahead to fetch Mummy.   Mummy came back and me decided me would walk for a little bit so long as Mummy walked with me.   By the end me and Mummy and Carly was right at the back and everyone else was completely out of sight and we had to guess the way back to the car park.  I did keep sitting down and Mummy would have to carry me for a bit til I got too heavy.  It was snowing heavy by the time we got back to the car.   But Daddy had made the car nice and warm for us so we got in the back and went to sleep.

Watch the video here

I know. I'm a penius. By Sam

I put my skirt on inside out.
I ate a whole tub of cream brie for breakfast.
I lost a beta blocker on the journey between my hand and my mouth.
I lost two invoices.    Then found one in the filing cabinet and the other in the bin.

nein, ich nicht haben eine ahnung, entweder. By Bessie

Mummy's boss has got it into her head that she speaks fluent German.   She doesn't, she just knows more than other peoples in the office.  So anyway, him wants to buy some stuff from Germany so he asks Mummy to email the supplier and ask them for prices so her does.   And her gets the price and gives it to him and then him asks her to get some more information off them so her emails the Germans again.  But by the time her finishes work her not got a reply so her says her will forward all the emails to her boss so he can deal with it and her goes home.

Only her didn't tell him what her email said or what the reply said.   Haha.  Me hope him knows about Google translate.

Oh we did LOL and BOL.

Thanks Outlook. Now I'll go and cry. By Bessie

Mummy said from now on she will answer to the following names:   Anne, Sharon, Sarah, Sara, Sandwich and Salmon.   But not Sam...and definitely not Samantha.  

Also she would like to know who gave the PPI man her mobile number so she was forced to have this inane conversation:

PPI man:      "Hello Madam, have you claimed your PPI back yet?"
Mummy:       "My what?"
PPI man:      "Your PPI.  Have you claimed it back yet?"
Mummy:      "I'm not owed any"
PPI man:      "Oh you must be"
Mummy:      "No I mustn't"
PPI man:      "You must.  Everybody is"
Mummy:      "Not me.  I don't take out loans.  Good day"

AND FINALLY:    Do you think Outlook express is being sarcastic when it sends you this message?:


Hi. This is the qmail-send program at apm-internet.net.
I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses.
This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.


I feel like I just got dumped.  WAHHH

When we met Aunty Penny. By Bessie

On Saturday morning my humans went to view a house that they had seen on rightmove and wanted to know if they liked it.  There was a little tiny whippet sat on one of the beds when them went upstairs so them had a nice cuddle with her then she showed them round the house.  Anyway they said they do like the house but they not sure it worth what they asking cos it needs a bit of work.  So them has put it on the shortlist.  It a very short list.  there only two houses on it.

In the afternoon we went to Cardiff.  Aunty Penny was over from London visiting with Mamgu so we met up with Aunty Penny and Uncle Martin and Ellie and Grace.  Kara and Alfie and their humans, Connie, Gareth and Steph did come too and we all went for a walk on Llandaff fields.  It was good fun and we were really well behaved.  I didn't growl at anybody, Lotty didn't run off and Carly only rolled in one thing which turned out to be a clod of earth and not a poo.

Cerys came too and her and Katie was walking along in the park when their Welsh teacher ran past in her jogging clothes.  That was funny, them wasn't expecting to see their teacher.

After we been for our walk we went to the cafe and had chips and tea.

Today Mummy fell down the stairs because Lotty tripped her up on the way to open the back door for wee wees - again.  She hurt her knee, ankle, big toe and both arms.  So her went back to bed for a bit and when she got up she wasn't hurting any more but throughout the day her arm started hurting.  We helped Mummy bake a carrot cake and Lotty went out for a walk with Katie and Cerys but me and Carly didn't want to so we ran round the garden for a bit and we think that was good exercise.  Then Mummy's arm did swell up lots and her fingers was tingling so her took two ibuprofen and we is sitting in bed now watching Countryfile.

SHUT UP. By Bessie

So I invited Bentley over to my princess cage for a romantic dinner.  We had chicken and pancakes.

At dinner Katie keep telling Bryn to shut up for no reason so Daddy say her is a bit easily wound up and her shout "No I'm not.  he's just REALLY annoying".  We did laugh.  Me and Mummy do think we should start a new page on the blog called "Minihumans being silly"

Daddy. No. Not nice. By Bessie

I has to tell you this cos it made us BOL. Daddy went on a first aid course today and as an icebreaking exercise they had to say 3 people they would invite to their fantasy dinner party. Daddy could only think of 2 (him was going to say the ones Mummy always say but him could hardly say it cos him fancies them like Mummy always says). So him say James May cos them can talk about cars and man stuff. And Nigella Lawson so her could cook the dinner! When him told us this story Mummy did spank him hard and Bryn say would Daddy sit next to her so him could look down her top and Daddy say him would make sure him got the odd chair what didn't reach the table - like when you is at your Grandma's for Christmas dinner and one of you has to sit on a footstool - so him would be low enough to look down her top. Mummy say Daddy is a chauvinist pig, a pervert and a big pikey for having a posh dinner party and not having enough matching chairs.

CAKE! I like a bit of cake. By Bessie

After tea yesterday Mummy says who wants cake so all the humans say they want cake so her cuts the cake into four and passes the plates to everyone.  Only her didn't measure it very well and her accidentally give littlest minihuman the biggest slice.  Well, you'd have thought her had committed a genocide the fuss the other minihumans made.  Them was pouting and huffing and puffing and Mummy say "Oh I'm SO sorry your cake wasn't quite as big as Bryn's cake.  Would you like my cake instead?"  (Mummy didn't have any cake).  Then Daddy do laugh at the minihumans and him say that at least Bryn was enjoying his cake.  And the other minihumans say that a stupid argument and Tom say it a shame Hitler was such a bad man but at least him had fun while he was invading Poland.  Then Katie say Bryn not got much to say and Bryn say "Why would I complain, I got the biggest piece".  And Mummy and Daddy laugh and say that the quote of the day.

Then them was arguing about who made the big mess in the bathroom what Mummy had to clean up.  All the minihumans was blaming each other and Tom say it couldn't possibly be him cos him didn't even get up til 12 o'clock.  And Daddy say no, that was the quote of the day.

This morning we took the minihumans to school then went to get petrol.  We seen a man driving through Tesco car park, stop, lean out the window and spray windowleen on the windscreen.  Then we seen a grubby looking woman asking if they sell dry shampoo in the petrol station.   Them didn't.  Anyway, I think her had gone beyond dry shampoo what does say on the can "for between washes".  BETWEEN WASHES NOT INSTEAD OF WASHES.

Anyway me was thinking if they do a bacon scented dry shampoo I could use that instead of having so many baffs.

Oh I is sorry. Were you trying to play? By Bessie

So them people never made another offer on the house.  Mummy and Daddy went out for dinner on Wednesday with thems friends.  On Thursday it Valentines.  Carly got a card and present off Tiger and Horace got a card off Daisy and Mummy got a card and white choklits off Daddy.  Me got nothing.  But then Bentley did ask me to be his Valentines.  Me likes Bentley lots.

Yesterday we did go for a walk.  We only walked round the village though, we not go down the castle cos it too muddy.

Today Mummy looks on google satellite and her says her thinks there is a path what goes all the way from the house we want to buy to minihumans school so her says we should go and explore.  So we drives there and parks in the village and goes for a walk.  And there is a path!  it only took 11 minutes to walk and that was with me, so them think it much quicker when the humans is on their own.  The path goes round the edge of the golf course and we is standing there looking round when we looks behind and realises we is standing in the middle of the green and these three golfers is all watching us waiting for us to get out the way.  So we hurries out of the way and we walks out the golf course and through a patch of trees and we is on the school rugby field so we goes for a walk round the outside of the school then we walks back to the village but Mummy says her will let Carly off the lead cos her is such a good girl.  So her does and Carly immediately lies down on a fox poo and starts rolling round and round.

So we all had to have baffs when we got home.  I don't know why we should all have baffs.  Me and Lotty didn't roll in fox poo.  Carly had tomato ketchup and malaseb rubbed in her cos her smelled so bad.  Me and Lotty just had our normal purple shampoo.

Carly runs away with the circus this time. By Bessie

Yesterday Mummy says we should all go out for the day but Daddy asks her if she looked out the window yet and her looks and it is tipping it down.  Well we houndies don't want to go out in the rain so we do our wees in the garden and go back to bed.  So Mummy, Daddy and Bryn go out to Maplins to buy something for the telly.  I not know what, something manly.  When them get there Daddy is standing staring at the boring things for ages and Mummy keep asking him to hurry up but him say if he hurries up he will pick the wrong thing.  So anyway eventually like ten seconds before the shops shut him buys something and then they go to look at the kitchens and bathrooms in this posh shop.  The kitchens was all too fancy, not what them was looking for at all.  But them had some nice bathrooms.  Except this one where there were two toilets sat next to each other.  Mummy says the family that poo together stay together and her gets Bryn to take a photo of them pretending to poo together.  But them is having trouble trying to get the facial expression right for constipated but in love.  Then them left before they got thrown out and went to KFC.

Today we went out in the car.  First we went to Pets at Home.  We bought some pleccy food for Jedediah and Moss and we all was allowed to choose a crocodile chew.

Then we was going to go to Tredegar Park and Mummy asked Bryn if he had his gloves and he said he forgot them.  So us houndies and Bryn waited in the car and she went in TK Maxx and Next Clearance to see if they had any gloves but them both had summer stock in already.  In February.  It was 4c and sleeting.

Then they went to Asda and Mummy got Bryn a pair of gloves.  It was either Phineas and Ferb gloves with matching hat and scarf or mens gloves, so she got the mens gloves.  Then she got a tortilla wrap each for her and Bryns lunch and some milk.

Then we went to Tredegar Park.  We was walking round and Mummy and Bryn was eating their wraps and drinking their milk.  Then Katie phoned and asked Mummy what she wanted and Mummy said nothing and Katie said her had a missed call and Mummy said her phone was in her pocket and it not phoned anyone.  Anyway then Katie ask if her can stay one more night.  I think her has officially moved out now.  We hasn't seen her since Thursday morning and it now Monday afternoon.

Then a minute later the phone rang again and Mummy thinking what now but it the estate agent saying the people what viewed our house had an offer.  But the offer was too low so Mummy say no.  Anyway them never phoned back so they mustn't have a better one.

Then Carly ran off.  Her never runs off, her never leaves Mummy's side but her must have seen a skiwwel or something cos her was off.  Her was missing for 10 minutes.  This not a very long time but it felt like forever. Mummy was frantic, her was running and shouting and then eventually she seen Carly standing in the bushes a few hundred yards away and she shout her and Carly come running.  Then cos Carly had spoiled all the fun we had to go on leads and we went back to the car.

Then we come home and ate our crocodile chews and had a sleep before tea.

Daddy runs away with the circus. By Bessie

Monday

Daddy going on a training course for work in Manchester tomorrow so he leaves straight from work and goes to the hotel.  We went for a walk with Mummy then she went to get the minihumans from school then they had to wait an hour for Tom to finish college so they went window shopping.  Them didn't come back with any windows though.  We already had windows.  Then them picked Tom up and Mummy says him needs a haircut so them go to the hairdressers and has a haircut and then them comes home and we all has tea.  The humans has pasta bake.  After tea we watches some stuff on telly that Daddy would probably hate then Daddy phones and says him just got there and him going to have his tea.  Then Katie comes and sleeps in Daddy's spot in the bed and we cuddle with her.

Tuesday

The humans has pittas with chicken burgers and chips for tea.  We watches telly.  Katie sleeps in Daddy's spot again.  Daddy phones and says him had lamb and eight chips for his tea and it cos £16.50.  Mummy is disgusted.

Wednesday

The humans has supernoodles for their tea.  Them eats them out of them plastic bowls what you get microwaveable sponge puddings in.  Mummy says her is seeing how long she can go without turning the dishwasher on.  What this really means is she doesn't know how to turn the dishwasher on.  Daddy goes to Nanny and Grandads after hims course is finished.  Him phones and tells us the course was rubbish and the food in the hotel was expensive.  Mummy tells Daddy them had Chinese for tea.  Supernoodles is not Chinese.  I bet Daddy thinks them had a proper Chinese takeaway.  Katie does sleep in Daddy's spot again.  We does like Katie, her is small and doesn't make any noise when she's sleeping.

Thursday

The minihumans has a teacher training day tomorrow so their school is closed so Katie sleeping over at her friends house tonight.  The estate agent phones and asks if someone can come and view the house tomorrow afternoon.  Then her phones back and says them is one of the people what came in the summer coming for a second viewing.  Mummy can't remember anybody coming in the summer who was interested enough to come back.  So her looks back on here to see if she wrote anything on the date she said and it says the people who came that day said they didn't like the style or layout.  So we doesn't know why them is coming back.  Maybe them forgot and will walk in and say oh yes we hated this one.   Mummy goes to get her prescription....finally.    We get a £10 voucher of McCains and a letter saying them don't know how the piece of rubber got into the wedge cos it wasn't off any of their machinery.  Hmmm likely story.   Mummy, Tom and Bryn has omelette and baked tatties for tea.  We does too cos we likes that.  Mummy and Tom work out how to put the dishwasher on.  It a good job really cos them had their dinner off side plates and eated it with dessert forks and drank their squash in sherry glasses.  Mummy think her is going to get the best nights sleep ever cos there just her and us doggies in the bed but her realises her doesn't like sleeping with no other humans and her is awake most of the night, fidgeting and annoying us.  Mummy did text Daddy to tell him about the viewing but him doesn't phone us tonight.

Friday

Mummy and Bryn take Tom to work then them come home and clean and tidy ready for the viewing.  Them makes the house extra specially nice, them thinks.   Mr Geoff, the estate agent is coming to show them round so just before them comes us doggies and Bryn goes in the back garden so Mummy can hoover the hair off the hall floor.  Then Mummy waits for Mr Geoff so her can tell him we is all going for a walk but him is late so Bryn has to take us round the corner all on his own and wait for Mummy.  Then Mr Geoff turns up at the same time as the people so Mummy not got no chance to tell him about us so her has to hang around the house while the peoples look round.  Then it starts to rain so Mummy texts Aunty Sally to see if us and Bryn can go in her garden and her says yes so Mummy tells Mr Geoff her will be one minute and her runs down the street and tells Bryn but him says him will take us for a walk round the block instead.  Then Mummy comes back and tells Mr Geoff a big lie about how her neighbour had locked themself out and her had the spare key.  Her think it make the people think we is all nice neighbours to each other.  Then the people is telling Mr Geoff how them first come to see our house on the same day them saw their dream house.  So them didn't like it cos them loved their dream house.  So when their house was sold them was going to buy the dream house but then it all went wrong and now them has nowhere to live and is sleeping on a friends settee.  Anyway we does not think them will buy our house cos them really wants to live in the village where their dream house is.  We does not like this village but me not say what the village is cos me knows that me has some readers what hates us but uses this blog to spy on us (Why does you do that?  It can't possibly be of any interest to you, you strange peoples.  If you wants to spy on us, why don't you peer in through our windows like a normal stalker?)  Anyway, back to the point, some of them people live there and them is the kind of people what takes everything personally.  We does actually feel very sorry for the peoples what come to view our house (even if them does want to live in a weird village) cos we would be heartbreaked if we was going to buy our dream house and it all went wrong.

After the peoples has gone, Bryn and us does come home and we dry off and then we all goes to get Tom from work.  Then we comes home and has tea.  The humans has cheese toasties.  The estate agent doesn't phone to say the people want to buy the house and Daddy doesn't phone again.  We does think maybe him has run away with the circus.  Him has actually gone to stay with his friends tonight.  Them does live on a mountain so him probably got no phone signal.

Saturday

We all has a really good nights sleep.  Mummy sleeped right through.  This might have been because we did too and we not needed to get up and go toilet once.  Not even Lotty.  Her wakes up and 10.20 and her looks at the clock and says the estate agent not phoned yet then.  And then at that exact moment the phone rings but it only Bryn's friends Grandma asking if him wants to come over.  So Mummy goes to wake him up and him does want to go over.  Then Mummy making breakfast and Tom come down and Mummy says the estate agent not phoned yet and that exact moment the phone rings again!  But it Daddy.  Him finally remembered where him lives.  Him says it taked him two hours to get from hims friends house to the main road cos the snow so deep him had to dig hims way out.  And him couldn't phone cos him got no phone signal.  Anyway him say once him got to the main road there was no snow so him on his way home now.

Then Mummy puts our foodies down but her not notice me and Carly did swap.  Carly did have my kibble and gravy and me did have Carly's tripe and scrambled egg.  It nice to have a change once in a while.

Bryn gone to his friends house.  Tom playing on his xbox, Mummy helping me write this, I lying on her lap watching.  Carly and Lotty is asleep.  They is both snoring.  Daddy be home in a few hours.  We not know when Katie want to come home, her likes staying at her friends house.  The estate agent not phoned so we knows them people won't be buying our house.  We did almost get excited for a bit yesterday.  Mummy even went on rightmove and bookmarked all the houses we would view if we did sell our house.  Anyway *sighs*  It not matter.  It not like we're homeless or anything.

There is a chicken casserole in the slow cooker.  See how them eat silly food all week then have a proper dinner when Daddy home.

Can you get TB from rolling in or eating badger poo? By Bessie

Today we went for a walk with the basset hound walkers.  We went to Wiltshire.  There was 16 bassets and  a spangle called Bruno.  Lotty liked him.  It was only Mummy and Bryn what went with us this time cos Daddy has a bad knee, Tom has a broked arm and Katie was at her friends house.  Them wore wellies cos it was very muddy.  We didn't wear wellies.  We got very dirty.  We found lots of poos to roll in.  we found horse poo, cow poo (the biggest pile of cowpoo you ever seen, when Mr Dave loads the video you will probly see Mummy climbing the pile of cowpoo to catch Lotty), sheep poo, deer poo, rabbit poo and badger poo.  The badger poo was the best.  We all had a roll in that, all 17 of us.  Even the two that were wearing coats.  The walk was six miles long.  We was very tired by the time we got back to the carpark.  Even Lotty had stopped running about and Gilbert had stopped barking.

When we got home Mummy scraped the dried badger poo off Carly's coat into the carrier bag what she brought it home in and put it in the washing machine with her and Bryn's clothes then her put all the picnic rubbish in the bag and put it in the bin.

Then us three houndies had a B A T H.  Lotty was so dirty she had to get out halfway through so they could change the water.

Then Mummy needed to take her beta blocker but she couldn't find the tablets.  She remembered having one at lunchtime then putting the blister pack in her backpack so she looked but it wasn't there.  Then she looked in the car but it wasn't there.  Then she looked in the bin and it was in the bag with the dried up badger poo.  So she washed the badger poo off and took her tablet.  I wonder if you can get TB from rolling in badger poo or eating badger poo coated tablets?  Mummy went to the doctor on Friday cos every year her has to get the doctor to sign a new prescription.  Him tried to make her change to a different dose but Mummy say NO and him say OK and him write a new prescription for another year.  But her was busy so her never took the prescription down the chemist, her will do it tomorrow.  Anyway, that is why she had to eat the badger poo tablets instead of throwing them away.

Then we had a sleep while we waited for Mummy to make tea.  Her said she would just have a sit down for a minute.  The next thing her fell asleep and slid off her chair onto Lotty's bed.  Lotty was asleep in her bed and she was not impressed to find Mummy on her head.

So Mummy does some star jumps to wake herself up and she made our tea.  Her bought Carly some new kibble to try on Friday, it was salmon and potato and claimed to have no ingredients what she is allergic to.  But by Saturday evening, after three meals on it, her skin was so bad she had to have fusiderm on an open wound on her face and her cone and pyjamas back on.  Mummy very upset that she made Carly's skin bad again.  Her was only trying to help cos Carly so very teeny tiny and needs fattening up.

So anyway, me and Lotty had some of Carly's new kibble with our own kibble and Carly back on the no kibble diet.  Her had tripe, pilchards, three new potatoes and peanut butter.

watch the video of our walk here

Little and large. By Bessie

Yesterday I had to go to the V E T to have a needle stuck in my neck and some nasty stuff squirted up my nose.  We all went cos Mummy wanted to have us weighed.

I am 22.2kg / 49lb

Lottys is 18.2kg / 40lb

Carly is 15kg / 33lb

Today is Daddy's birthday.  We had someone come to view the house first thing so we went for a walk with the minihumans while Mummy and Daddy showed them round.  Then the humans went out for lunch.

Tomorrow we are going on a long walk with the basset walkers.

Subway. Your way...not quite. By Bessie.

Mummy's boss offered to buy everyone a Subway sandwich for lunch.  So Mummy asks for meatballs with no cheese on white bread, nothing spicy, peppery or oniony.

When the sandwiches come the peoples at Subway has written everybody's name on the wrappers.  Mummy is a bit busy so she finishes what she doing then she opens her sandwich.  This is what was in the wrapper:  Steak and cheese on brown bread, jalapenos, peppers, red onions and chilli sauce.  So her asks who has the meatball sandwich and somebody else has already eaten it.

The sandwich is in the fridge at work.  If you want it you is more than welcome.

Lots of rain. By Bessie

Today it rained.  It rained all day.  Very heavy.  It took my humans an hour and a half to drive the 12 miles home.  They got 3/4 of the way home, driving really slowly cos the water was so deep, until they got to a point where they could see a truck up ahead up to its bonnet in water.  Then they turned back and tried a different route.  But that was blocked by a police car parked up to its doors in a puddle.  So they turned back again and went a different route.  They did get home but them got stuck in lots of traffic cos there was big deep puddles what everybody had to drive through and the whole world was going the same way.

Then Mummy and Katie took us to Miss Judith to have our nails done.  Me and Lotty didn't like it.  Carly did.  Then we came home and had tea.  We had pilchards, potato, scrambled egg and gravy.  The humans had steak pie and roast tatties and green beans and gravy.


Ooh I almost forgot, this morning Daddy phoned minihumans school to ask a question about Bryn's trip to Paris.  The lady on reception said she would phone back.  When she phoned back Mummy answered and the lady said "Is that Mr Morgan?"  And Mummy said, "No, I'm a woman"  haha.

We still haven't had our years supply of potato wedges off mr mccains yet. *tuts loudly*

fallovers, makeovers and sleepovers. By Bessie

So much has happened.  Where do me start?  So on Thursday it very icy.  Mummy drives all the minihumans to school.  She drops littlest minihumans as close as she can to school and says "Be careful".  But her can't get to the school what biggest minihuman works at cos it on a steep hill.  So him get out at the bottom of the hill and walk and Mummy says her sorry her can't go any further and him should be extra careful.  Anyway there was a big mountain of snow on the pavement so him goes to step on the road and slips on ice and falls off the kerb.  Him hurt his arm, his face and his bottom.  So he texts Mummy and says he hurt and her asks does he want her to take him to the hospital but him say he be ok.  That evening his arm does swell up and is hurting lots so on Friday morning Mummy does take him to the hospital.

It very busy at the hospital cos lots of people did fall on the ice and hurt themselves.  Mummy says you see all kinds of strange people down the hospital.  In the six hours them was there they seen a white man who thought him was a black rapper, a heavily pregnant woman spending her entire time outside smoking while her mum looked after her other child, a couple what were both wearing hiking boots three sizes too big what made them walk like T-Rexs.  Him was wearing a Russian hat with a soviet badge on it.  Her was dragging a suitcase on wheels which contained - amongst other things - a paperback book entitled "How to stop your doctor from killing you", a glass bottle of water, a box of cakes and a bunch of bananas.  

OH MY GOD I interrupt this to tell you I just pressed something, I don't know what it was but all my text disappeared so I pressed the back button and it said "You have unsaved changes.  Do you want to leave this page?"  And I thought that's not right so I said no, then I found the correct back button and all my text came back again.  Blimey, that was nearly as exciting and scary as that episode of the tweenies where Max dressed up as a prolific paedophile.

Anyway, I was telling you about the strange people down the hospital.  So them got triaged straight away but then had to wait for four hours to see a doctor.  He sent Tom straight to x ray and then them had to go and sit in the waiting room again.  But there was no seats cos it was so busy so them stood by the vending machines and Mummy say her will buy some food and a drink cos them haven't eaten all day and Mummy hasn't taken her tablets.  So first she goes to the machine what sells food and Tom says he'll have a flapjack what is 60p.  So Mummy puts a £1 coin in and the flapjack falls down but lands on top of another flapjack what is balanced on top of the flap what hasn't dropped down.  So Mummy sticks her hand up and shakes the machine and bashes it and presses the money back button but nothing happens.  AND THEN and only then does the woman sat closest to the machine say "That happened to me too.  That's my flapjack underneath".  WELL THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR WARNING US!

So Mummy asks her if she told the receptionist and the woman says there's no point cos they don't own the machines but Mummy goes to the desk anyway and the receptionist says it's not their machine but the man what fills it leaves them an envelope of coins to give refunds, and her gives Mummy her £1 back.  Then  Mummy remember that the flapjack was only 60p so the machine should either give 40p change or have 40p credit but when she checks it looks like the machine stole her money and her flapjack.  Mummy tells the lady sat next to the machine she can ask for her money back too but she doesn't bother.  Tom says her was probably lying and just wanted the flapjack.

Then Mummy goes to the drinks machine and puts the £1 coin in what the receptionist just give her and it threw it back three times so Mummy think that machine must be broken too but then this other person comes in and uses it so it not broken, the £1 must be a fake or something.  If Mummy have a good look it probably say bank of fisher price on it.

Then the doctor call Tom in and show Mummy and Tom the x-ray and him has broken his radius ulna or something or other.  Him says they don't like to put a plaster cast on cos once the fluid has gone down then he has to start trying to keep it mobile.  So a nurse puts this splint thing on instead and then they go to Katie's friend Cerys's house to pick Katie and Bryn up cos them was waiting there and Cerys comes too for a sleepover and them pop to Tesco and them is trying to decide what to have for tea cos Mummy was sposed to go shopping today but didn't get chance, obviously her had more important things to deal with.  But them is so hungry them can't think about cooking so them get a big bag of kibble for me and Lotty and them go to the chip shop for tea instead.

On Saturday Katie and Cerys take Mummy to Cardiff to give her a makeover cos her dresses like a bag of rags/clown/toddler.  Them helps her choose a pink jumper, a green shirt and a new coat.  Katie wants to get some jeans and Mummy wants a skirt so they decide not to get either.    The boy humans go to the cinema to watch the Hobbit.  On the way home Daddy goes over a speedbump and Tom's arm hurts lots.

Today, Sunday, our friends Beau and Bones came for a sleep over.  Them brought their own beds, which we like lots and is sitting on with them.  Them has brought some nice foodies for their tea too, me might try and distract them so me can eat it.  We all did go for a walk together then when we come home we had a play fight and Carly got stuck in the stairgate - again *sighs* Idiot.  Then we had a sleep and Daddy and Katie took Cerys home and then Daddy come home and watched a football match and we sat in the dining room on Beau and Bones's beds and watched Mummy write this for me.

NO I WAS NOT DOING A POO. By Bessie (about Mummy)

So Mummy thinks maybe she will let Katie give her a makeover.  After all, she is 41 now (don't tell her I told you that) and she shouldn't really be walking round in little girls sundresses and Kylie's old knickers (especially in the snow, that's just silly and irresponsible).  I keep telling her, "Mummy, you're not Nicki Minaj".

In other news Mummy needs to buy a new lightbulb for the toilet at work.  They've got an energy saving bulb in there and last night she went for a wee before she went home but she had to wait 5 minutes for the room to light up cos she said she wasn't sitting down till she could see there was nothing on the seat.  Anyway when she come out Steve was hopping from foot to foot outside and him say "I've been waiting ages, was you doing a poo?"  And Mummy shout "NO I WAS WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO COME ON" cos she has never ever done a poo in work and she never would.  Her nervous bowel just wouldn't allow it even if she wanted to.  Then she went back in the office and her boss says, "John is waiting in the car, you've been ages.  Were you having  a poo?" So she screeches again and tells him her going to buy a bulb.  Then she goes out to the car and Daddy sat there revving his engine and she says, "Before you ask..." And him says, "You wasn't doing  a poo?" And her say that no she wasn't doing a poo.

What else?  Last night we was watching Eastenders and Mummy says, "Bugger off Kirsty, nobody likes you.  Not even the viewers".  And Daddy says, "Do they not?"  And Mummy says, "No we don't" And Daddy says him feels sorry for her and her done nothing wrong.  And Mummy shouts at him and says him should be on Tanya's side.  Then in work today Matt says him likes Kirsty and him feels sorry for her so Mummy has to shout at him too.  Then him say his girlfriend shouted at him last night too cos he said that.  These men they just doesn't understand girl politics.

Today in work them had one of the directors to visit, which is annoying cos it means they all has to dress smart; no Dr Marten boots and hoodies.  Mummys boss bringed the director into the office but then him went off to make some tea and the director did come over to Mummy and ask her how were sales compared to this time last year, and her goes "Err Umm I have no idea, that's not really my area".  And him asks "Do you not process all the orders?"  And her thinking oh great, as if I haven't got enough to do now them want me to put everybody else's orders in?  But then Steve what works in the warehouse and was in the office getting some paperwork says "Well we seem to be busier in the warehouse than last January" and then the director starts talking to him instead.  After he gone Mummy say thank you to Steve for rescuing her and him say her looked like a rabbit in headlights and needed saving.  Then their boss did offer to buy everybody a subway roll but Mummy on a diet cos her a big fat heifer so her not want one and Matt went to Subway and bought everyone else a roll but him also bringed back cookies and drinks and her sulked cos her would have liked a cookie and a drink.  Me think her got no real concept of what being on a diet means. There more to it than not saying yes when they ask if you want to go large you know.

In my news, there is no news.  My life is boring.  *sighs*    Carly still not putting any weight on.  Her gets smaller if anything.  Weird.

Coco the clown gets a telling off. By Bessie

So Daddy came home at 4 o'clock on Friday.  The minihumans made a snowman.  We went for a walk in the snow when Daddy came home and then we didn't go anywhere but in the garden for the rest of the weekend.  It was too cold and too icy and Mummy not want one of us to fall and hurt ourselves.

Today all the schools was open again so Daddy took everyone to school and we stayed home with Mummy cos it was her day off.  We went for a little walk, then Mummy rubbed our feeties and our cold tummies and we had a sleep while she wrote some of her book.  Her up to 72000 words now.  Her not sure whether they good words or not but her is enjoying writing it and it keeping her out of mischief.

Mummy went to pick the minihumans up from school and go to Tesco to get some foodies.  There was trolleys all over the place, it look like the trolley collectors was on strike or something.  Them went inside and Mummy want to go in the clothes department to find some wellies for Tom cos him the only human in the family without any.  But them not got any mens wellies.  Then when they is walking through to the foodies Katie says that she needs to give Mummy a makeover and make Mummy dress like someone her own age.  Mummy say "You want to dress me like a granny?"  And Katie say, "No, people your age are fashionable these days".  Then her goes round the shop picking up clothes and Mummy saying no no no don't like it yuck eugh are you joking?  Katie says will she at least buy some jeans?  And Mummy say what wrong with what she wearing?  Katie look her up and down and sigh.  She say "What ARE you wearing?  What is this?  What's with the tights?  You look like a clown."  Mummy very offended but her agrees on one pair of jeans but not the beige top and cardigan.

Then them bought some foodies and come home and made fajitas for tea.  We houndy girls didn't have fajitas.  Me and Lotty had kibble, sardines and gravy.  Carly had meat, tatties and sardines.

STILL NOT PANICKING! By Bessie

So it started snowing sometime in the night.  I got up to go weewees at 2am and it wasn't snowing but Daddy left for work at 5am and there was LOADS of snow.

Daddy say him go at 5 so him get there before it gets really heavy (it already was really heavy) and Mummy say what if it really bad later and him can't get home?  But he says he will worry about that later.  I bet nobody else went to work.  Him probably spent the whole day on his own.

It not stopped snowing all day.  I think it been snowing for about 12 hours so far.  We not been for a walk but we played in the garden and made the snow brown and yellow.

Mummy discovered a great new snack.  Sweet chilli rice crackers dipped in seafood cocktail (to be very specific Special K rice crackers and Tesco seafood cocktail sandwich filler).  I recommend you does try it.  Me and Carly helped Tom eat a packet of space raiders.  Carly not really sposed to eat them cos she lergic but she only had little ones.  Carly would like Mummy to buy Pom Bears next time her goes shopping, she not lergic to them cos they made of potato.

DON'T PANIC! By Bessie

It's snowing.  Daddy said it would snow on Friday, he thinks he's a weatherman.  But it's snowing today, Thursday.  Getting heavy too.  Daddy said all the minihumans should take the day off school even if the schools are open cos the school where littlest minihumans go to and  the school that big minihuman works at are both up steep hills and him not want to have to drive up and pick them up.  Daddy also says he plans to leave for work tomorrow at 6am "to avoid the plebs skidding".  Mummy says he shouldn't call people plebs. Please note Daddy doesn't start work til 8.30 and it's a 20 minute drive.  Daddy will probably go panic buying at Tesco tonight and come home with 36 boxes of lager and a loaf of bread

New Years Resolutions. Hmmm. By Bessie and Sam

We were wondering what New Years Resolution we should make this year that we're not going to keep.  I know you're supposed to do it on New Years Day but we've been thinking about it for three weeks and neither of us can come up with anything.  We can't remember what lasts years were either so we obviously didn't stick to them.

So anyway, here is what we came up with.  A joint resolution:

We are going to spend more time with the people that we love; our family and our real true friends - the ones who were there for us when we needed them.  That's it. Simple.

So there it is.  It's going to be a good year.  We can feel it.

What my humans did at the mall. By Bessie

So this is what some of my humans did today.  Daddy ask Mummy what her wants to do today and her say her doesn't want to do anything so him says them should go window shopping at the mall.  So them ask the minihumans if they want to come but only Katie does so them three goes to the mall.

First them goes to John Lewis and Mummy and Daddy keep saying they will buy stuff and Katie says "Really?"  And they go "No of course not really, we're window shopping".  Katie says we is the only people she knows who still have a big box for a telly and it so embarrassing she can't even invite people to the house.  But Mummy and Daddy just laugh and say they is retro and retro is cool.  Then Mummy and Katie have a nap in a bed and Katie climbs in a cupboard in the display kitchens so Mummy and Daddy run off and hide in the toy department but when Katie finds them she says she knew they were going to do that cos she heard them giggling and running away like toddlers.

Mummy goes to phones 4 U cos her doesn't know how to turn voicemail on her mobile and she keeps missing important calls and the girl asks the man who asks another man who says you has to phone T mobile and it one of the options on the answer thingy.  Well it no wonder her couldn't do it herself, her wasn't looking there.  So anyway her phone has voicemail now for the first time in 13 months instead of a message telling you this phone may be turned off.

Then them went to get some lunch, there was no seats at any of the tables so Mummy did sit on a bench while Daddy and Katie went to get the food.  Daddy said Mummy should lie across the bench so nobody can sit down but her say she not doing that, that's silly.  Anyway she sits right in the middle of the bench but this woman comes over and sits RIGHT next to her but facing the opposite way so Mummy says, very politely, "I'm actually saving these seats for my family".  But the woman completely ignores and starts eating her happy meal.  Please note:  Happy meals are for children, not grown women.  Mummy not know if it cos she deaf or rude (or both).

Then Daddy and Katie come back and Daddy pulls a face at the woman's back and Mummy shrugs and says "Obviously stone deaf" in a whisper over 50 fields.  Then Daddy sits down and Katie sits on the floor cos the woman nicked her seat and Mummy says a very loud comment about sorry her did try and save Katie a seat but some people are pig ignorant.  Then Daddy does what he calls a Bessie and slowly edges the woman off the bench by getting closer and closer into her personal space (what she did steal off us in the first place).  And she keeps turning round and giving him dirty looks.  Some people are so cheeky.

The estate agent phones when them is eating and her says the people yesterday really liked the house but they is not proceedable - this means they hasn't sold their house yet apparently - but when they is they is going to come for a second viewing.  This made us happy cos even though them didn't buy the house yet and they probably won't, at least it means someone likes it.   It very demoralising when all the feedback you get is negative stuff.

After thems lunch Daddy did buy a shirt from Next and Katie and Mummy did say them would help him choose some clothes that didn't make him look like a Grandad having a mid life crisis.  But them couldn't find any.  Mummy wanted to get him a stripy jumper and a body warmer but Katie said he looked like Where's Wally.  Katie wanted him to get a hoody but Mummy said he looked like a mugger.  So them got nothing.

Them went in the Disney Store cos Mummy likes to see if there is any new Finding Nemo merchandise but she already had every Nemo thing in the shop.  Katie say she would like a baby brother or sister so they could have some Disney stuff but her didn't want Mummy to have a baby cos that would be disgusting.  And Mummy ask is that cos she too old to have a baby or because if she was pregnant everybody would know her and Daddy still did it?  Anyway this man walking past must have heard cos him was laughing his pants off and Katie mortified that Mummy said "did it" in public - in the Disney Store at that.

Them went in H&M to look at the clothes in the sale and Katie and Daddy was doing a dance routine (like you do?) and then Katie realised one of her teachers was stood watching her.  haha.  Her says that is awks.  Me not know what that means, me not speak the teen lingo.

Anyway that's what my humans did today.  Mummy not buy anything, Katie not buy anything, Daddy buy a shirt and a McDonalds.

Very tidy. By Bessie

On Tuesday Mummy was driving round with the petrol light flashing.  So her went to Tesco on the way home from work but the petrol station was shut and she said she refuse to pay Texaco prices and what with the Texaco being the only other one around her say her rather do without.  Then Wednesday her never uses her car cos her goes into work with Daddy.  So her says her will get some petrol on the way home from work on Thursday.  But they got visitors and one person off sick in work so her ends up leaving late cos her has too much to do, then getting stuck in the school traffic from all the annoying parents who use the industrial estate as a short cut so her not got time to get petrol before her goes to get the minihumans from their school.  By the time her got them and driven back to Tesco the poor car is juddering all over the place cos it so thirsty.  Mummy practically rolls it into the petrol station and her does a big cheer cos she made it.  Silly Mummy.

Today we had a viewing on the house.  Mummy spends all morning cleaning and we do lots of helping by testing the comfiness of the new duvet cover (very comfy) and the bounciness of minihumans beds (very bouncy) and the barkiness of the lounge window (very barky).

Me interrupt this to remember this article we did read about writing what did say you should never say very, there is always a better word to use instead.  So we is trying to think of words that mean:
- very comfy
- very bouncy
- very barky

We do give up.  Maybe we is just not cut out for literary greatness.  We should leave it to the experts; like Enid Blyton.

Anyway, so we helps lots and then Mummy says we has to go and sit in the car.  So we do but then her goes back inside and hoovers the hall.  Her must have forgotted we was going for a ride so we do shout her.  We have to shout very loud cos Mummy quite deaf when her is hoovering.  Mainly cos she likes to sing 80s soft rock ballads while she is hoovering for some strange reason, although her was singing Milli Vanilli at one point today.  It was very loud and very awful and the back door was open.

Eventually her remembers her has left her three best girls in the car and her comes out and we goes for a drive.  Except we doesn't cos her just drives round the corner where her can still see the house, then her gets out and goes back home.  WITHOUT US!  So we shout AGAIN.

Then Mr Geoff, the estate agent, comes and Mummy picks up a poo what someone else did on our lawn and her lets Mr Geoff in and then her comes and sits in the car and sings to us (badly) while we wait.  Mummy we does not like the complete works of Maximo Park, you needs to put some new music in you car.  The people what come to view the house stay for 16 minutes, this quite a long time.  Once someone came and stayed for 6 minutes.  When they gone Mummy is going to go and talk to Mr Geoff but him come out and get in his car and drive off in a hurry before her has a chance so her goes over to see if Aunty Sally wants to come for a cup of tea seeing as the house is clean enough for visitors for once.  But Aunty Sally not in so we does have tea on our own.  Then we goes for a walk then we has a nap then we all go to get the minihumans from school.

Professor D-Ream never did show us Uranus. By Bessie

the estate agent phones yesterday, her never mentions the complete cock up with the people on Sunday but someone else wants to come and view the house on Friday.  Mummy said they can come but only if the estate agent comes to show them round cos Mummy home alone so her needs to take us doggies out.  So Mr Geoff the estate agent is coming.  Mummy not know how this is going to work.  Her never done a viewing when there been no-one to help with us.

Last night we watched the astronomy programme with Mummy's boyfriend in it, Professor D-Ream.  Her was a bit embarrassing and spent most of it making lewd comments.  Me notice lots of you human ladies on the facebum was doing the same thing tut tut. You should all be ashamed of youselves.  Poor Professor D-Ream, I bet him feels violated with all your jokes about seeing the dark side of his moon.  Anyway things what we learned off this programme was:
- Nanny might be right about Brian May and James May, them do look very similar.
- If we put our dining table on Mars we could see it with a telescope (possibly a stronger telescope than the one in Bryn's room).  But Mummy might be cross when she tries to put the dinner out and the table is on Mars.
- Scientists haven't discovered them yet but there could me methane based life forms somewhere.  Ahem, allow me to introduce you to my sister Lotty.  Parp.  Ooh and cows, them is methane based life forms too.

We found a new house we want to buy.  It probably will be sold before we get round to buying it though, it for sale at £285,000 but we looked at the history on Zoopla and it was for sale in 2010 for £575,000.  So some developer will probably buy it and do it up.  Me not blame them, it a bootiful house, least it could be, it a bit fallen to bits at the moment.

UPDATE:  So Mummy phones the estate agent to go and view the house and the girl says you can only view it if you're a cash buyer and that the house in unmortgageable...whatever that means.

What we did for New Year. By Bessie

Oh gosh, we been so busy.  Where do I start?  So on 30th December we all gets up VERY early and gets in the car and drives forever.  When we gets to Ross on Wye we stops to go to the toilet.  We had a wee and then Daddy starts lifting us into the car when all these Chinese people walk past on their way back to their coach.  So they stop and they stroke Lotty and Carly.  Then they see me in the car and they say OOH you got 3 and then they say NO 4!  And Daddy say "No that's a human child".  Then we all laugh at Katie being mistaken for a basset.

When we get to Uncle Jed's hotel for discerning gentledogs and princesses, we go in and the nice girl takes us to our hotel room while Mummy and Daddy fill some forms in.  Then we relax in our hotel room until the servants bring our tea and let us go for a run in the paddock.

At Nanny and Grandads them had a posh dinner and exchanged christmas presents.

In the morning our humans came to get us and we were very pleased to see them and when Daddy opened the boot we all jumped in by ourselves.  Then we drove to George's house.  This took 50 minutes exactly.  When we got there we got out at the top of the road and us doggies and Mummy walked down to George's house and Daddy and the minihumans went in the car and George and Aunty Jayne came out to meet us.  George was wearing a smart red coat, he looked very nice and very handsome.  We was very pleased to meet him after all this time, and Aunty Jayne too of course.  So Aunty Jayne invited us in and we went in and met Winston and Uncle Hudad.  Winston was very cute and him and Lotty did running up and down the stairs and all around and Lotty knocked a ornament over with her waggy tail but it OK it not broked.  Then her got a bit excited and did a few wees.  That was norty.  Then we went in the kitchen and borrowed a quiche.  It was nice.  Mummy was very cross though, she said we had no right to borrow a quiche and she was ashamed of us.

Then George and Winston showed us their garden, it was raining so we didn't stay outside long.  It much colder up in the North than it is at home me notice.

Then the humans had some lunch, Aunty Jayne did put on a good spread.  Oh and we all give each other presents.  And we liked the fishies, them was cute.  And then me and George sat next to each other on the settee for some photos then we had a nap while the humans told each other how much they loved us (probably, I don't know, I was asleep).  While I was asleep Carly decided she liked the rug and it was hers so anytime anybody put a toe on the rug she growled at them.  She's like that you know.  And too soon it was time to go home.  We had to be back at the hotel by 3.50 cos it New Years Eve and they wanted to lock up early.  Daddy paranoid that there be traffic on the motorway so him not want to leave it too late.  Mummy say don't be stupid, there won't be any traffic today.  Anyway we gets on the motorway and the traffic at a standstill.  Daddy be all haha I told you so.  But anyway it soon get moving and we get back to the hotel in plenty of time and we go back to our room and lounge about before dinner.

So the humans went back to Nanny and Grandads and got changed into their party clothes and drove to Aunty Mic's house for the New Years Party.  Mummy norty and disgraces herself by drinking too much tizer and vodka, making accidentally racist comments in front of Uncle Rob's mother and wiping the floor with everyone at trivial pursuit.  Me will elaborate:

So Mummy wants vodka but she also wants tizer so she has them both, in the same glass.  Then they has 4 music on the telly in the background and they is showing music videos (obviously) and Mummy says she likes Will.i.am and Usher. And she say she not normally attracted to black men but she likes them two.  And everyone says that's a bit racist, and her says no it's not, it's like saying I don't normally fancy ginger men but I likes Rick Astley.  And then her says she likes Will Young too.  And Aunty Mic laugh and say him the whitest black man she ever seen.  And Mummy say she means Will Smith.  Anyway then Grandma walks in and Mummy says "Grandma does you like black men?" And Grandma say "WHAT?  I'm not your Grandma" and Mummy say "Sorry Mummy, this tizer too bubbly, it gone to my head".  Then Mummy realise Uncle Rob's Mum stood behind Grandma and she thinks Mummy a stupid and norty person.

Then they has their tea.  Aunty Mic made some good noms and them all eats lots of lovely foodies.  After tea them played trivial pursuit with a box from the 1980s.  Everybody had to pull wedges out of a box to pick their team.  Mummy and Tom was partners and them won good.  I think everyone surprised that Mummy was good at trivial pursuit.  But because the bubbles from the tizer had gone to Mummys head she kept forgetting and telling everybody else the answers too.  Tom say they would have won in half the time if her didn't keep giving other people the answers, like when her went to the toilet and had an urge to randomly shout Charlie Chaplin down the stairs just as Grandad was asking a question that the answer was Charlie Chaplin.  When her got downstairs Tom did shake his head crossly and her go "What I do?"  Anyway Daddy say one day Channel 4 will make a documentary about Mummy and her ability to remember useless crap.

Them all sleep at Aunty Mic's that night and the next day Aunty Mic make bacon and egg muffins like McDonalds.  Her call them MicMuffins.  Then my humans say goodbye and them go back to Nanny and Grandads.  Them couldn't come and see us cos the hotel was closed to visitors all day but when them drove past Uncle Jed's car was outside so them know there people there looking after us.

Nanny and Grandad have 4 didgibox recorders.  We wonder why til we see how much stuff they record.  Practically every programme on telly.  Mummy have a wacky thought and suggest they watch something on live telly but everybody look at her like she suggested they go skinny dipping in the river severn.  Them watched the Wizard of Oz and Up and Tangled.  Them was all good films apparently.

Nanny and Grandad did some Nanny and Grandadisms for us laughing pleasure.  Small selection for you:
Grandad:  "That's a very good film I haven't seen"
Nanny:     "Barrie, put the bread in the fridge"

Nanny:     "Was James May in the Who?"
Daddy:     "No that was Brian May"
Tom:        "Brian May was in Queen"
Nanny"    "Are they brothers?  They've both got mad hair"

The next day our humans came to pick us up from the hotel so we say goodbye to all the nice servants and get in the car and go home.  We is half way home when mummy say "OH S**T.  I forgot all the dogs stuff".
Her managed to leave behind three anti gulp bowls, a water bowl, two nylabones, Carly's favourite stuffless fox and a big bag of food.  She even asked the boy if he remembered the extra discount cos we brought our own food.   Her said her would phone them the next day and ask them to put everything to one side for Nanny to pick up and Daddy can get it when him go up to see them in February.  In the meantime we need to stop at a shop and get something for our tea cos we got no foodies.  Luckily we got lots of toys and spare food bowls.

So we stop at Asda, me not say where it was in case anyone reading this is from that town cos me is about to insult that town.  So as we driving in we see a man driving down an embankment and over some bollards to get away from the petrol station without paying.  Then we see a boy about Bryn's age having a cigarette while he watches his mum put the shopping in the car.  Then we see two little girls about six years old wearing thigh high stiletto heeled boots, them looked like baby prostitutes.  Mummy and Daddy look at each other and say "Welcome to ******!"

So Mummy and Katie went in and bought sandwiches for everyone and food for our tea.  Daddy say for the last night of our christmas holidays him will take the humans out for dinner to the Beefeater so Mummy not bother buying anything for tea.

When we get home Mummy try and book a table at the beefeater but they is booked up, and the next night so them book a table for friday instead and have fish fingers for their tea.  Then we doggies have to have a bath cos the humans say them not like the smell from the hotel, it smell of jeyes fluid and smelly dog.  So me not speak to Mummy, me go and lie next to Daddy instead.

The next day,Thursday, Mummy goes to work early and Daddy goes to the dentist and takes Katie to her boyfriends house then he goes to work.  Tom and Bryn do look after us.  When Mummy at work the estate agent phones and says someone wants to come and view the house on Sunday.  We very excited, we got a viewing already.  We not expect any activity for months.  The house needs a good clean cos it a right mess.

When Mummy get home from work, me still not speaking to her but Lotty and Carly have both taken to following Mummy round.  They both want to be closest to her so they walk together, right behind her at all times.  Mummy calls them her demon bridesmaids and trips over them a hundred times a day.

On Friday Mummy not in work so we stay home and do cleaning ready for the people coming to view the house.  In the evening the humans go to the beefeater for tea without us.

On Saturday, yesterday, Katie gets up really early and gets the bus into Newport to meet her friends.  It's my gotcha day and the postlady brings me a lovely pink blankie from my sister Sadie.  I love it.  We have some cuddles and then the estate agent phones and says she hasn't been able to get hold of the people who is coming to view the house to confirm the time so she not know if they coming or not.  Mummy think great, we probably cleaning for nothing then.

Then Mummy, Daddy and Bryn go to Ikea to buy a rug to cover the wee stain in the hall.  Tom stay home to look after us.  When they is in Ikea they take lots of photos of Bryn pretending to do poos in the toilets.  They are stupid like that.  Bryn gets fed up in the end of Mummy telling him to do his pooing face so she tells him to pretend to sleep in a cot bed instead.  They don't buy a rug cos they are all too expensive.  Daddy says he will clean the wee stain instead.  Which to be perfectly honest is what  he should have done in the first place.  But they do buy lots of things they didn't go for.  Like 5 pictures of animals in amusing costumes, a big bag of spiced apple scented tealights and a tealight holder.  Mummy is like totally obsessed with tealights and candles.

Then they had hotdogs, chips and coke in the cafe.  Then they went to Marks and Spencer to spend the gift vouchers Mummy and Daddy have had for years.  They bought a new duvet cover and pillowcases.  The colour says it is light heather.  It the colour of the lavender bush what Horace likes to sleep under.

Then them come home and Mummy say her will take us for a walk and Tom say him only just got back so we watch telly instead then we have tea.  Carly gets a baked potato with every meal.  Not fair. I want one.

Today we made the house all nice in the hope that the people would come and view it but they never came.  Never mind.  *sighs*