Why I could never work in Hollister. By Sam

Now I suppose you are thinking the reason I could never work in Hollister is because of their policy to only employ young beautiful people?  Well you are wrong.  This is why I could never work there:

1.  It smells too strong and gives me a headache.
2.  Eventually, i.e. by the end of the first day, I would have one of my eyes poked out by a fern.
3.  It's too dark and I can't see anything.
4.  I'm not wearing fake tan for anyone.
5.  I already have a perfectly good job.
6.  I bet the pay is really bad, they probably get paid in lip gloss and blouses, and that's just the boys.
7.  I'm over qualified.  I have a couple of GCSEs and a RSA in Typewriting that I got on a clickity clack ping typewriter in the olden days when CDs were big and black and a computer was as big as a house.
8.  AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.   I'm not wearing flip flops to work.  I don't even own a pair of flip flops and even if I did, I would wear them to hang the washing out, not to go to work.

But I did get a rather splendid white hoody in the sale today.  I have decided if I only ever wear white clothes then I won't notice the dog hairs all over me.

If you are not young and beautiful or if you don't want to work in Hollister for any of the reasons listed above then you can always shop there instead.  This is my advice on how to successfully shop in Hollister:

1.  Never go on a Saturday or in the 6 weeks either side of Christmas.  If you do you will have to queue to get in the shop.  NO shop is worth queuing to get in. Trust me.  Not even Poundland.
2.  Ditto above with regard to queuing to pay.

3.  Adopt an air of youth and beauty as you enter the shop and you will fit right in and don't forget to say hello to the pretty boy/girl at the entrance, I like to get it in before they do to confuse them.
4.  Learn sign language so you can talk to your children/partner over the stupidly rubbish and loud music.
5.  Don't try and push a pram round the shop.  The staff don't understand babies and will be scared, the baby will likely get it's eye poked out by a fern or choke on the perfume, it's too hot for a baby, it's too loud for a baby, it's too crowded for a baby and let's face it, if you have children you can't afford to spend £20 on a T-shirt for yourself and they don't sell children's clothes.  Maybe you should try Primark - even if the children's department is always up on the 3rd floor for some stupid reason.
6.  Head straight to the back of the shop.  This is where the sale items are situated.  Everything else is a waste of money.

7.  Say yes please you would like a bag.  If you are in Wales this will cost you 5p but it's worth it to fold the bag over and hold it under your head and pretend the firm torso in the photo belongs to you.  You might want to take a photo of yourself doing this, or maybe put your cat or dog in the bag (it's OK, it's paper) and wait for them to peek out, then post it on your facebook or pinterest to amuse your friends.