Our first viewing. By Sam

Got a call in work from the estate agent to say could someone come this afternoon to view the house.  So I said they could come at 5 and then phoned the minihumans to get cleaning.  The plan is the house should be clean and tidy enough at all times so we only need one hours notice.  This is the plan, I don't know how many times I have to repeat this to them.  The reality is Katie's room was such a tip it took her all afternoon to tidy that one room while Tom did his in 3 minutes and then Bryn's and then went round dusting and putting things in cupboards for me.  I'll never find anything again ever but ho hum.

I got home at half three and because I was in such a rush to get on with my jobs I didn't give Bess the obligatory fuss she required which resulted in her giving me a Paddington Bear style hard stare for an hour until the minihumans took them all out for a walk so i could hoover and mop the floors.

When the doorbell went and the estate agent was standing there I had managed to do all the cleaning and hiding of most pet related crap.  Ok so the tortoise house was still in the dining room but it's a family home not a showhouse, my home that is not the tortoise.  He doesn't have a family, unless you count his 104 year old parents who don't live with us.  Oh and after they'd gone I found a half eaten tennis ball and a broken rubber chicken sticking out under the settee.

I lit every candle I own (i.e. a hell of a lot of candles), turned all the plug ins up to max (I'll pay for that later when The Flump keeps us up all night scratching) and sprayed febreze on every soft furnishing in the house.  Trouble is, I know the house probably smells houndy but I a) like the smell of my hounds and b) don't actually notice anymore.  I probably smell houndy.  It doesn't bother me, in fact it's helpful for my enochlophobia (that's a fear of crowds to save you a trip to Mr Google).    Anyway, back to the story.  I know my house smells houndy so I overcompensate.  People are probably more repelled by the smell of clean linen, satsuma, christmas (whatever the hell that's supposed to smell like), cookies, mangoes, vanilla, lilies and apples.  I think that pretty much covers the collection of air freshener and candle fragrances fighting with each other.

After all that, you know how long the people viewed the house for?  9 minutes.  At the end the estate agent asked them if they wanted to look round on their own and they said no thanks and off they went.  I think that means they hated it.  When we went to view our dream home we were there for about an hour.  We went round the house 3 times, the kids had a glass of coke, we picked where we would put every piece of furniture and who would have what bedroom.  

I went through the list of what might put them off:  looked up and down the street, every car was in it's own drive and not up on the pavements or in the flower beds.  Rottiebeater's rubbish had finally been taken from said flower bed (if you put a soiled dog bed, 2 soiled pillows and 4 binbags in the communal flower bed 10 days before the binmen come then that is flytipping in my book).  Checked the garden, yep I got every last turd up.  Then realised I'm pontificating again.  Leave it.  The first person to view your house isn't going to be the one who buys it.

So back to the real world.  Bessie.  She came back from her walk.  Even more angry with me because I didn't come with her AND she got wet and muddy.  Bessie is a princess, she doesn't do wet and muddy.  So she did a wee.  Right in the middle of the kitchen floor.  She waited til I was looking her in the eye first.  Part of me was impressed.  I like a girl who knows how to set up a good revenge attack and she must have been holding that in for hours, it was like a lake.

Now she's asleep with her head on my lap.  Tomorrow when I come in from work I will be sure to give her the long cuddle she expects and in return I expect not to have to use an entire kitchen roll cleaning up after her reprisal.