Not a born chef. By Sam

I don't know if you've noticed.  But I love food.  I love eating it most but I also love watching cookery programmes.  But not those scare mongery things where they show you how things are made.  I know chicken kiev is made from beaks and bumholes mashed up into a big pink blob.  But I still eat it.

I like the food network with a particular fondness for Guy Fieri cos he's basically a big douche but he's kinda cute and he looks like he really enjoys his nosh.    Oh and Barefoot Contessa but to be fair mainly for the comedy value.   And of course Pioneer Woman, but I wish they would show the dogs a bit more.  I like the dogs.  And I like Masterchef and the Food show.  What's that fella called, the one with the really French name but he doesn't sound French at all?  I'm thinking Jean Michelle Jarre but I know that's not right.  Anyway he's nice.  Maybe he could come and cook my tea...

...Only that's where it all goes wrong.  I would never eat the stuff they cook on these programmes, well except diners, drive thrus and dives and maybe man vs food.    I like real food.  I want someone on Masterchef to dish up a big plate of mashed potatoes with lovely thick chicken gravy.     Quite frankly 6 chips served up like jenga and a piece of salmon that looks like it may have come out of one of them posh sachets for cats, well that's not going to fill anyone up is it?

And you do not turn anything into foam.  Food should not appear in front of you looking like it was coughed up by a cuckoo.

So I watch all these cooking programmes and I have a load of boards on pinterest full of recipes and bookshelves full of recipe books.  But really I just throw the contents of the fridge into the slow cooker every morning and hope something tasty has appeared by dinner time.

In conclusion you probably shouldn't come round for dinner after I've been watching the food network.   Because you're either going to get a four foot high burger or a green bean dipped in salt.  Either way you will go home with stomach ache.